Ideal is vagrancy or exile?

"Why did you come to Beijing?"

"I don't know, I'm holding my breath. Perhaps it is for the ideal. "

"How is your ideal now?"

"good, not good either. It seems to be wandering, should I exile it? "

...

This conversation happens every day. Such stories are never new.

for many years, the voices of "fleeing from the north to the south" have been heard one after another, but what remains unchanged is that people are still coming and going in the import and export of these big cities, and some people are excited and flustered at first, hoping that this city will give an answer to their dreams. Some people gradually leave with loneliness or relief, and the words of ideals are no longer spoken. Personal joys and sorrows are not connected with the city.

more than 1 years ago, the ideal was lofty, a single spark, which could start a prairie fire and save the nation. More than 3 years ago, the ideal was romantic, a flower of thought, inspiring people and washing the soul; More than 1 years ago, ideal was the key word in TV, sometimes moved, sometimes reduced to a SHOW；; Nowadays, ideals are ashamed to say. Talking about ideals is melodramatic; Don't talk about it, it seems heartless. Excessive pursuit of ideals seems to be twisted; If you don't realize your ideal, you seem incapable ...

Is your ideal to continue to wander? Or just exile it?

A while ago, I saw the black bridge photographed by the artist Wang Chunshuai-it was in ruins. It was the ideal starting point of many people, and now it is gray, but it is still full of initial expectation and light.

In Wang Chunshuai's memory, Black Bridge is a "marginal" utopia and an ideal place to build art. He liked photography at first, so he came to Beijing. Black Bridge is the first place to accept him. The rent here is cheap enough, 4 yuan a month, 1 yuan for electricity, 1 yuan for internet access and no money for water. Wang Chunshuai was pleasantly surprised that there was such a place in Beijing where the price level was extremely high.

It's not lonely enough here. There are waiters, construction workers, couriers, take-aways, beauty salons ... Most of them are new to Beijing, young and fearless. There are all kinds of cuisines here, such as Huimian Noodles, Chongqing Xiaomian, Northeast Restaurant ... In summer, some people dance square dance, some people talk about eating crayfish on the roadside, and some people hide in pubs and secretly cry. This is the ideal first stop. Everyone can exist here, and everyone is grateful ... But it was demolished soon, waiting for a new house to be built.

The picture was taken by Wang Chunshuai, the former Black Bridge

In fact, for most artists like Wang Chunshuai, they have long been accustomed to such a "nomadic" state. From the painter's village in Yuanmingyuan to Songzhuang, from Heiqiao to Caochangdi ... One place was suddenly demolished, and another place quietly rose. These artists constantly moved to the edge of the city, just to find a place with lower price and relatively loose policies to continue their "utopia". Some people say, "They are still like a circle, like a beautiful giant balloon hanging in the air in Beijing. They are separated from the north drift and do not belong to Beijing. They can barely border the international community, but in the end, they can't avoid giving people a hanging impression."

Yes, their ideals are also like a beautiful balloon, "high above", but they can't grasp the thread in their hands and lose their "control" over life. The ideal place is swaying, and their ideal heart is hesitant.

Photo taken by Wang Chunshuai of Black Bridge after demolition

Maybe someone will ask, do you have to come to Beijing to do art? I remember a friend Xiao K. Before he came to Beijing, a doctor who studied the art market told him, "If you put a small red flag on the map, the rest of the country will only be scattered, and Beijing is a large piece of small red flag, indicating that the center of the art market is in Beijing."

Hearing this, the fire in Xiao K's heart is really unbearable, because where he is, those who study art will become art teachers if they are better, while most of them will open supermarkets and do maintenance ... Life is generally passable. Little k is not satisfied, and what he knows and learns can't just be a dream. So, he took up his bag, took a little money and came to Beijing without hesitation. He firmly believes that this is a noble profession, and he can't explain why it is noble. The road from home to Beijing is like a The Way, and he is also like a devout monk.

Photo taken by Wang Chunshuai

However, after coming to Beijing for six years, I had doubts about my pious heart, not to mention that the external "art place" was wandering and my "work" was wandering. The development of the art industry is extremely slow, and it is common for many art companies to close down. It is natural for these art practitioners to find jobs frequently.

Xiao K once held the position of vice president in a company and interviewed many people. These interviewees, many of whom are in their forties and fifties, have been in business for 2 or 3 years, and they also have many highlights. They have cooperated with all kinds of big names and made some beautiful exhibitions, but in the end, they have to introduce themselves in front of this young man, hoping to continue to have a job. Xiao K is worried that he will be like them when he reaches that age. Even if his fears come true, the company will finally collapse.

Photo by Wang Chunshuai

It's not just these artists who wander in the "ideal land". Sometimes they even feel lucky, at least they are with a group of like-minded people. And those who come to Beijing alone, people from all walks of life, most of them have become an island. If you want to live better, you can go to the "distant places" such as Tiantongyuan, Tongzhou, Yanjiao, Tangjialing, Shigezhuang and Pichun, at the cost of commuting more than two or three hours a day. If you want to have a shorter commute time, you can move wherever the company moves, at the cost of high rent, and you can always be a small mover ...

Last week, I went on an outing and met a 26-year-old girl who lives in Tongzhou. As she spoke, it was very quiet there, and the rent of more than 1 yuan a month satisfied the small world she wanted. She also comforted herself that she could recite words and read e-books on the road after commuting for 2 hours. But when she has to catch the subway early every day, looking at the "vast" crowd, her psychological defense line collapses instantly. It is good not to be late this morning.

Maybe, in these cities, everyone is an island. Fortunately, these isolated islands share the same sadness and joy; Unfortunately, isolated islands understand each other but cannot be connected.

when I was young, reading the sentence "To be or not to be,that's a question." in Hamlet, I only felt that Hamlet was not only a melancholy prince, but also a hesitant prince, and I was confused about his entanglement. Until I became a "drifting north", "to be or not to be" often lingered in my heart and inevitably became a hesitant and melancholy person.

When young people are confused, they always ask some "experienced people", hoping to get over it. However, in the face of the "ideal" problem, "experienced people" are not as understated as when they persuaded the college entrance examination. They are also very entangled. They are eager for young people to go forward with clear ideals, but they can't bear to take too many detours and finally throw their ideals into the abyss. Perhaps, they can only leave the ambiguous sentence, "the ideal, whether it is realized or not, will be lost anyway."

The ideal heart is really clear. It can support you and me from a comfortable town to a lonely big island, and it can also make you and me feel the pleasure and pride of "being", "changing" and "being brave".

Just like Wang Chunshuai, he loves photography, and records what he sees and hears every day, his joys and sorrows. When you are depressed, there are still people to talk with you about your ideals. When you are happy, someone is happy for you and someone raises a glass for you. Two or three years ago, I took pictures of those daily "black bridges" unintentionally. Two or three years later, these photos also became exhibitions. Ideal, persistent, still beautiful.

But the ideal heart and reality are always far away. After so many years of hard work, we still can't have a stable place to live in this city. After working hard for a long time, you will always find that "there are people outside, there are mountains outside", and that ideal is not even worth mentioning; What is even more worrying is that after so many years of wandering, the yearning for home has become more and more intense ... Between the cracks, it is not free after all.

I remember a passage I read on the Internet, "This is a city of ten million people. Without a speck of dust like me, some people should care ... If a cheap rental house is still a home, it is because of his existence. Unfortunately, even he has left. " Just as this passage made me mixed feelings, I saw that a friend who had just left Beijing and returned to his hometown sent a circle of friends. "Opening a circle of friends is all about Beijing. I feel a little split. "

what about leaving? If you don't leave, it's a problem to live in a rental house for a long time, get married and have children. Parents are accelerating their aging, and their hearts are accelerating their self-blame, regret and confusion ... It's okay if the ideal is realized, but if it's not realized, and they are used to this wandering rhythm, what should we do? What makes the ideal heart sway is not only the wandering of "place", but also the inability to accept the gap between ideal and reality.

"the ideal is to keep wandering by heart? Or by reality, to exile? Why can't I always take root? " When a friend told her psychiatrist about this problem, the psychiatrist just said carefully, "Maybe, it's not that you can't take root, but that you can't take root." This sentence, let a friend plunge into the heart, seems to be this every day.

I remember interviewing an artist who once lived in Black Bridge and now has many good works. When I asked him, "How many photos of the Black Bridge appear in the works? Are you obsessed with that ideal place?"? Afraid of this sense of drift? "

For him who moved his studio three times in three years, he simply replied, "Artists should not be afraid of being in a nomadic state, and this change may sometimes break their inertia, which is not a bad thing."

And when I complained about my confusion about the world, he didn't laugh at the young man's ignorance or give so-called life advice. On the contrary, he also admitted his confusion and the process of digesting it. Interestingly, confusion will be replaced by new confusion, which will lead him forward. Yes, even if there is no "ideal", there will still be many puzzles in life. What matters is the ability to solve problems or the courage to accept puzzles. This is probably the ability to take root.

Actually, "ideal" is about choice, not fate. If you have a choice, you have to bear it. Being able to bear it is also a kind of ability to take root. Just like a friend, she thinks that she came to Beijing only because she has no ability to overcome her desires. And some friends think that they are idealistic lunatics. When they come here, they must visit glad you came. Others love the light of the ideal, not the ideal itself.

This reminds me of the movie beginning of spring, in which three young artists in a small town have ideals, three choices and three commitments. Wang Cailing, the protagonist, loves the sense of "being different" brought by opera. She loves to get rid of mediocrity through literature and art, but the reality still teaches her to be an ordinary person. Another teacher who loves to dance ballet, he is always with art, even in prison, he can feel the pleasure of ballet under his feet; There is also a young man who loves painting. He thinks that he can be "another Van Gogh" and must go to the Central Academy of Fine Arts. As a result, he failed to pass the exam five times, and finally went south to become the most realistic person ... < P > Everyone has his own choices, so it is good to pay for his choice, but "ideal" is just an empty word, which reflects his true self and takes off with his ideal.

A lot of times, anxiety is just a temptation to test whether you really love your ideal.

In many cases, the ideal is not a goal, but a way to get closer to the ideal self through the ideal.

This may be an age of being ashamed to talk about ideals. Ideals are amused, laughed at and even trampled on. This may be another era when people want their ideals too much. People silently miss those years when white clothes are fluttering, those moments when ideals are flying, and those who are clear and brave. There are also some people who are struggling and moving forward, keeping their ideals in their hearts and becoming their own abilities and lighthouses.

whether to speak or not, whether to wander or not, we all need ideals.

or, we need to be honest with ourselves!