There is no need to erect a monument for him, I just hope that roses will bloom for him every year

The recent news about the suicide of a Weibo blogger has made me worried for a long time. I believe many friends also know about this. A photography blogger named "Deer Dawson" left a suicide note on Weibo - "There is no need to erect a monument for him, I just hope that roses will bloom for him every year." The suicide note was 5,000 words long. I read it several times and felt really sorry for this young life.

Lu Dawson left this world feeling "without love, no money, no motivation to live, and no future." Behind this problem, I think the main reason for his suicide: left-behind children, growing up His parents did not give him enough love; he was bullied on campus and the young man living alone did not feel the kindness and warmth of society; he had no ability to cash in and was under great pressure in life. The last straw crushed him.

In my opinion, his case is a classic negative teaching material on family education, which is worthy of reference by all parents.

Hi, I am Deer Dawson

This is the last time I introduce myself like this

Today is the day I was born

I How should I introduce me to you, a rural person, a left-behind child, a child from mountainous areas, a person who has experienced school bullying, a photographer, a young man living alone, and a dream chaser

In this way, I seem to have too many identities I can tell you about it, but I want to say too much, but I don’t know how to say it.

Let’s start with my childhood.

From that kick, I decided to go home. This was the only thing I could do at the age of 9. Even though I'm 25 years old, I still can't forget that feeling. I just couldn't complete the cross-grade homework. What did I do wrong? This has also become a lifelong shadow in my heart. For my family and my parents, I am afraid that this is where I started to have the idea of ????staying away. I'm afraid Hate, my uneasiness, am I not worthy of being loved? If the world only needs prodigies, then should a child with my IQ be treated like this? Until now, I still make excuses because I hope my child will succeed. But in the end, it was him who kicked him. It is easy to hurt someone, but it is difficult to heal someone. After becoming a left-behind child, I am still a child after all, and I will still miss my relatives. And in these long years, I will be accompanied by a long period of campus bullying.

When I was a child, I was well-behaved and polite when I was studying. However, this kind of politeness seemed out of place after I went home to go to school. Boys should be naughty and mischievous. Only those who utter dirty words during fights can be called boys. Those who are too quiet are women and will be called sissies. Facing a new environment and a new group, where should I put my uneasiness and how should I integrate into a new group? No one cared. I dress normally, and I don’t behave like a girl, just because I looked like a girl when I was little. I was bullied and verbally abused in school. Being squeezed out, bullied, made to kneel down, threatened, blocking the way and not letting you go, a group of people bullying you. My family always says that I don't like to talk or say hello, but no one has ever thought about the reason why a person becomes like this. I have been given various nicknames since I was a child, such as fake girl, fake girl, bitch...who should I say these insulting words to. You should be told like this, this world is about the jungle... When people are so numb and everyone is like this, the world may be hopeless

Please stop the campus Bullying

I always think of the word wandering. I took care of myself when I was growing up. I didn’t have a happy childhood. When I was a teenager, I always stayed in various relatives’ homes. My relatives were also good to me, but there was always something wrong with me. A feeling of having nothing to rely on and worrying about gains and losses. Later, the family came back and finally no longer had to live a life of dependence on others, but they suffered more harm. I hope would-be parents understand that children should be born and raised in love, not in fights. Children are also independent individuals, not tools to realize their dreams. Forcibly controlling children's lives, forcing them to do things they don't want to do, and brutally instilling your own ideas will only make them suffer to the point of death. You can stop doing things you don’t want to do, stop saying things you don’t want to say, and stop seeing people you don’t want to see. How wonderful it would be to live in an environment of love forever. But there are always so many insincere things, and I am always forced to do many things. My growth process was full of quarrels, about money or other things, between them, between me and them. When I look back, I can't think of a happy moment. Home is not a battlefield, but a place to express love. The skin I was given, the skin I received, how many scars and pains are buried under the skin, all the things I experienced in those years are always surging like a tide, drowning me, and I have struggled. In the name of love, we are forbidden, sarcastic, closed, and hurt...we exist in this world, and we are not loved or cared for. I once looked at the world with starry eyes, but now my feet are stuck in the mud, sinking one foot every step I take, unable to move.

Why do you call home? A place with no place to rely on, but a home all over the world

I’m sorry, my life seems to be running away all the time, just because my wounds have never healed over the years. Old and new injuries have already caused me great pain. I hate arguing, so I stay away from home, or answer the phone and talk less, but this doesn't make me any better. I also long for light, warmth, love, and a happy home. I never like comparisons, even though I, like most people, grew up watching other people's children.

Shouldn't children be unique to their parents? Shouldn't they all be the crystallization of love? Maybe. How can anyone love me if I am such a rubbish? My ideals have not been realized and my clothes are in rags. Looking back hundreds of miles from my hometown, I have no reason to go back. Going back is just a burden. No one will love me. I am always saying on the phone. The family has no money, whether you have made any money this month, they always only care about money, fame, fortune, and status. No one cares about whether you are happy or not. I feel so stressed.

No love, no money, no motivation to live, no future.

The pain you endure in the process of growing up always spreads like a thick fog inadvertently. Repeatedly mentioned over and over again, hurt again. A controlling and overpowering mother, an irresponsible father, if a person keeps telling you that someone is bad, and then tells you never to take it seriously and treat it normally, I wonder if this is a kind of mental control and brainwashing, I feel so uncomfortable, I feel so disgusted, I don’t want to bear this feeling, I feel like I’m going to have a schizophrenia, this is a kind of torture to me, why no one understands. If a person keeps telling you that you are poor, poor, poor, it seems to be telling you that you will never get out of this pit, even when you may already have independent financial capabilities. My heart will still be filled with panic. Even though I was penniless, I didn't dare to tell my family because I knew that other than telling me not to spend money randomly. I will say over and over again that my family has no money. From now on, no matter how difficult the situation is, I will never tell my family again and I don’t want to increase the load. I know the situation at home, but I hate this kind of words even more. Every sentence It all makes me feel so stressed, and I feel guilty even if I spend an extra penny. I remember when I was in junior high school, I looked at the 50-cent ice cream in other people's hands with envy. I had no better choice other than Xian Mu. I remember my 17th birthday and I didn't even have dinner because I had no money... Looking back In the past 25 years, I have probably been swaying forward in the wind and rain, moving forward ignorantly, and being forced to grow up.

In complex family relationships, the two people are tormenting each other and refusing to divorce for the sake of the children. Their various tempers and behaviors are the greatest harm to the children. I didn’t want to continue a “Marriage Story” episode, let alone have children. How should a person like me love a child? Argue, compare, or hurt the next generation again? If having children is just to carry on the family line and compare, the meaning is never love. When we are born as a baby and interact with the world I think we met each other with love and warmth in our hearts. I never thought it would become so heavy and sad, but it doesn't matter now. I always think about what people live for. When I was young, I always had to compare myself with other people’s children. When I grow up, I am also urged to start a family and start a business. This is like the process of human growth. No one cares about it. What is the meaning of marriage and childbirth? We are always required to obey. Sometimes it would be nice if we could just be ourselves for a second.

The expressions of many things in words seem pale and feeble. Even if you experience it yourself, you may not know how I feel. It's three feet of ice, but it's not as cold as one day. My state is getting worse and worse during this period. Maybe just for a meal, I will break down and burst into tears. I can't control my emotions. I don't understand why you have to come to me for every little thing. I want to give you all the pressure. If you show The melancholy and pain that came out was very intense, so there was an undercurrent of heavy rain beneath the gentle surface, and maybe no one understood why it was like this. I might have wanted to accuse something or change something, but I tried, but I couldn't change a person. I hate their strong desire to control, their verbal violence, and their doing a lot of things that hurt you just for your own good. When I grow up, I understand that life is not easy, but who will heal my wounds and heal me? Some people say why you always feel that you are not confident enough. I have lived in an environment of blame since I was a child, and I have a very low self-esteem. I just want a warm home and be loved, but why is it so difficult?

It has been 25 years, but I can only feel the warmth when I was next to my grandma during the holidays as a child. I really miss her.

Grandma, I miss you so much.

I remembered the stray cat I picked up in Nanjing in 2019. I didn’t have a few hundred yuan, so I spent a lot of money taking it for a checkup, but in the end it was too weak and left. But now I think about it, if I had more money, I would take it for a checkup that night. Maybe it wouldn’t have died so early. If I had a little more money, I might be able to get it better. The doctor at the hospital also said that maybe the mother cat was too young and sick and abandoned it because she felt she couldn’t keep him alive. I I often feel that our fate is probably no different. I still feel heartbroken when I think about it now. Maybe you are still not suitable for living on this planet.

Looking back at the past, I found that it was all the same, and I still didn’t get better. Loneliness seems to be a shadow accompanying me, and the various experiences I have experienced are trials or tortures.

Stranger, please remember that you are worthy of being loved!

People like me, but please love us more, we are never short of love. The spirit and motivation to strive for a better life are never afraid of difficulties and obstacles, but the lack of love.

Please start loving your child now

What crushed me was not a straw, but countless grains of sand. Every step I took was like carrying a mountain on my back.

The wounds of growing up, the confusion of jumping into the crowd after graduation, the appearance anxiety caused by appearance, the dreams that are getting farther and farther... The most desperate thing is never death, but living with sobriety and restraint. Sober people are working hard to live, and many times there is no way out. It’s been four years since I graduated from college. I’ve worked hard but haven’t accomplished anything. I feel so stressed. I couldn't find my direction in the mud, and no one told me what to do. Faced with various choices in life, if I go right, I am lucky. If I go wrong, I have to bear it myself. It can be said that I have never had a complete moment of relaxation after graduation. It seems like I just keep working, running forward, and staying up late. I want to stop, but I can't help it. The pressure and gains are increasing in reverse. My body is getting fatter and fatter, more and more hair is falling out, and more and more emotions are accumulated...

In the city of stars, there is not a single lamp to illuminate me

May my blood flow forever to the place where the roses withered. Those works that have been watered with my blood day and night, I hope they can grow up and bloom. I know that I am just an insignificant speck of dust in the vast universe. It will eventually be submerged in the desert of history. It may not take many years, but can be forgotten in just a week.

I know I have no future, so I want to try my best to bloom

Probably because I long for love and want to be saved, I want to create God, just like those days in the past There is a figure walking alone in the picture, so the subjects of the photos are probably mythical. The god who entrusts his sustenance to may want to create a kingdom full of love, without pain and harm. And the art that I am pursuing so hard now seems like a joke. If I could make more money from my works, I might be able to change my life, but I'm sorry, I haven't, and I can't change it. The art I pursued has not given back to me, and now I can't wait for its feedback. I'm sorry, I'm so tired. A childhood that was not very happy, a family that was always quarreling and poor, and a career that was devastated are just out of reach. and dreams. Who can give me an answer? I can only hear my own echo. I am afraid of the future and fear of the future. I have tried my best not to cause trouble to others, but I still have to accept all the pressure. It seems that everyone is waiting for me to save them. I have made many efforts, but they are all in vain. I cannot see the future and have no direction. I can't even save myself. Looking back on my life, I have been walking on the road. When I reach the end of the road, there is no place to stop. The road ahead is long and the road behind is getting farther and farther. How should I face it? How long does it take for a person to see the sunshine in his life? Maybe my life is a tragedy, so let it end. Maybe it's life. I couldn't help but think of the little boy in Chehefu's article in the primary school text - Fanka. Maybe life is already a very difficult thing.

Will poor people become poorer after all? Or is it just me who is short-term? What am I insisting on?

Farewell, my dream that ended up broken without any disease, please remember that I have spent I run towards you with all my strength

Perhaps his heart has never been healed and has been walking in the cold night

When I decided to stop here, in this journey of life, My eyes were devastated and my head was bruised and bloody. I thought life was like this. Apart from death, I couldn't think of a better way to escape. Living is no longer about enjoyment, but about moving forward with a heavy burden. I am exhausted and reorganized thousands of times, broken thousands of times. At a glance, I see broken rotten wood all over my body. Without love, I cannot learn to love, and peace talks need to be healed with love. For myself, death is not the end, living is. I can't numb my feelings, and there's no place to dump those bad emotions. I can only clearly see myself falling. World, can you hear my cry? I thought time could heal everything, but I just saw myself floating up and down in the long river, dragging my exhausted body and telling myself to persevere. I used to avoid talking about the past, always thinking that I could remember everything, but it hurt me. Pain and life have become one, inseparable, and always come back again at certain moments. I have forgotten when I started writing this suicide note. Over the years, the words always hurt me again and again. I was unable to resist and let them engulf me. I revised this suicide note many times, recording my emotions in bits and pieces, and wrote it intermittently for a long time. I was thinking, how can I write a letter that expresses my feelings about coming to this world and expresses my short life? And a long 25.

My death has nothing to do with anyone, and I don’t want to blame others. The world needs more love, not harm. I'm not crying about how difficult it is for me or how difficult it is. It's more difficult than me. I just want more people to know that love is always the most important thing. I've been trying to heal myself over the years, but that can be true a lot of the time, the more you try to get rid of something, the less you can. Then choose to accept all the hurt, but my heart can no longer be repaired, and I don’t want to numbly pretend that I am fine and move on. I am not living well at all. Over the years, I have told myself to Be strong and be brave, but after all, I am not made of steel. Even if I don’t have to face those experiences when I grow up, they still turn into nightmares that haunt me one after another. I am bullied, forced to get married, forced to have a career, a family, and no private space. , It’s so suffocating. I can’t remember how many times I woke up from nightmares. I tried my best to escape in the dream but couldn’t escape. This unhappiness seems to have started in high school. I’m so tired. I I don’t want to run away anymore, just let this end.

Come on, this is what I say to myself the most. I'm sorry. I thought I could finish all the remaining sets of works before the end, but I didn't do it. My condition became worse and worse, and I suddenly collapsed. I'm in a bad mood and can't concentrate on work. Insomnia and anxiety have firmly taken control of me, or I may fall asleep all day long. How long will it take for these days to end? I no longer want to be like a broken machine pulling on myself emotionally; I'm sorry, I thought I could pay off all the debts I owed for photography before the end, but I didn't do it. I was also condemned by my conscience. I still spent a lot of money on you after living for so many years. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I spent some time this year, seeing my friends again, and having a meal for the last time. Thank you, my friends, for your company in so many late nights, and thank you for listening to me over and over again. Said: My friends, in the last days of my life, I always think about the happy times together; thank you, when I roll and shiver in the cold sea water, thank you for lighting a little spark to warm me, I can't Thinking of retribution.

I write so much just to give myself an explanation. I can't save myself, and I can't save others. In 25 years, I gave my life back to this world. Life is painful, and death is joy. If there really is a past life and a present life, I don’t want to reincarnate and turn into a speck of dust or a drop of rain. It would be better than living in this world. I'm sorry as a human being.

I have tried my best to handle everything, packed all the luggage and sent it home. I don’t want to trouble anyone anymore, maybe I am just a tired person. I'm sorry for causing trouble to everyone during the epidemic. I don't want anyone to come to me, and I don't want to become a piece of waste. Just let me wander alone in the end of the world.

What a wonderful world, but I know you never belong to me.

Thank you for reading this suicide note, and this is the end of it.