Why you can’t make decisions

Why You Can’t Make a Decision

More and more people have difficulty choosing, so have you ever thought about why? Why You Can’t Make a Decision is what I bring to you. Yes, I hope it helps everyone.

-Why can't you make a decision?

-Actually, maybe you don't want to make a choice at all.

A few days ago, my friend complained to me about something that was not rewarded for her kindness:

Her young colleagues asked her about a new opportunity at work, but it was a mixed blessing. Which one to choose? Then my friend told this girl her analysis and thoughts. Later, the girl regretted her choice and blamed her friend, thinking it was all because of her suggestion, which resulted in this result.

My friend was very angry after hearing this several times. She felt that she was just taking opinions. Why is the girl being blamed for not making her own decision?

After my friend told me, What I think is that my friend may be really wronged, and maybe no matter what her ideas are, this girl will blame her. Because there is a pit in the girl's heart, no matter what you say, you have to fall into it. But the girl is also very innocent, because she struggles in this trap every day, which makes it even more painful.

What kind of trap is this?

Even the girl herself doesn’t know what to do,

But she just wants to rely on someone,

< p> Of course, the result is always wrong.

Why can’t a person make a decision?

The reasons may be as follows:

1. In a growing environment, it is always the parents who help. The child decides.

This type of family encourages children to be dependent and is unwilling to support their children's independence. So when a child grows up, he will not have the ability to make decisions about any issues in life, because he does not know what his choices mean?

For example,

Can a family tolerate this? Child's rejection?

In some families, children need to listen to their parents (most likely because of their parents' subconscious). When children have different opinions, parents find ways to turn their children around and listen to them. Over time, children get used to not having their own opinions and just listen to adults on everything. When the child needs to make a decision, the child is suddenly confused. He doesn’t know whether he can make a choice, and what to do after making the choice? Because it means resisting his parents’ opinions, can he still be safe?

From the perspective of attachment relationships, every decision of one's own means a child's independence and separation from the mother. But when a person's attachment relationship has not developed to the point of independence and trust in outside relationships, making decisions can be a real difficulty.

2. Making a decision means taking responsibility.

Every decision means what to stick to and what to give up, such as which job is suitable for you? Should you get married? Be willing to take responsibility when problems occur in an intimate relationship, or even leave the relationship and decide to divorce.

Therefore, they are afraid of regrets after making a decision. Choice sometimes means breaking the balance. Many people do not make decisions and would rather struggle in pain, because this avoids the loneliness in the relationship and themselves becoming the initiator of taking responsibility. square.

3. Perhaps being entangled forever is also a way of connecting with others.

It is better to wait for others to make a decision than to make your own decision and then regret it. So, being a child is a position of getting used to being safe.

4. If you decide, it means facing the reality that I am not good enough.

When we avoid choices, we also avoid that the result may not be perfect. Just like that girl, every outcome has pros and cons. If you make the wrong choice, you need to face it yourself. This is a feeling. As many people say, "I can't even think about it", so what I don't dare to think about is the most terrifying result.

Of course, I think the best result of this method is:? My problems can be blamed on another person!? The most relieving thing in the world is to blame others from a moral high ground. . Because you are so wronged and others are so sorry to you. So when you don’t make a decision and give it to others, you have a right. As long as you are not satisfied, you can criticize him?! Who asked him to help you choose?

However, things are always fair. When you are unwilling to choose, your entanglement and discomfort will occupy a lot of space in your heart. Choice and result have become two ends of the scale, and it will be painful to go either way.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, this is not because a person is unwilling to make a conscious decision, but because he is unconsciously unable to free himself from a cyclic pattern. Hidden beneath this pain is a lonely child. He is helpless and unable to judge the existence of a sense of security. He can only jump around looking for a place to stay.

How to jump out of this trap?

Every person who seems to have difficulty making a decision has his inner pain and struggle, and maybe he has a feeling, that is? Can't bear to leave, can't let go. Maybe every choice means a loss. When you don't feel rich enough in your heart, maybe you are really afraid of that "choice" in your heart.

Perhaps only when a person experiences enough security in the relationship and has enough resources to feel his own value, can he have the ability to choose to have it and then give up.

Extended reading:

Others can help you make decisions, but they cannot live your life for you

I often receive inquiries from readers in the backstage of the official account. Mostly about feelings. Many people like to ask me, what should I do?

Just like yesterday, a reader added my WeChat account and sent more than a dozen voice messages. From her broken words, I could hear her anxiety and sadness.

The girl is from Hunan and worked in Chengdu after graduating from university. Half a year later, I met my husband. There was nothing exciting about the two of them, but they still felt that they fit each other.

When I got married, the husband’s family pooled their money to buy a house. Although it wasn’t big, I finally had a home. Their parents are relatively far apart, and they only see each other a few times a year. They don't have much contact, and their lives are peaceful and sweet.

Another year passed, their baby was born, and troubles followed. The mother-in-law came from the countryside to look after their children and lived with them. The difference in living habits always makes the girl feel uncomfortable.

My mother-in-law is one of those people who is not very educated, but is very powerful. She always makes the decision and interferes in everything. But the girl is not particularly capable of giving in and compromising. Just like this, she won’t give in to anyone, and sparks will hit the earth.

The husband was caught in a dilemma, so he simply pretended to be deaf and mute and let the two women fight at home. Less than half a year later, the girl completely fell out with her mother-in-law. Her mother-in-law jumped and scolded her for being a hypocrite. She threw things and told her to get out.

The girl wanted to divorce her husband, but she couldn't make up her mind. She felt that no matter what happened to her mother-in-law, she loved this man after all. No matter how servile this man was, he was still the father of her child.

She asked me: Sister Xiyan, do you think I should get divorced? I don’t want to see my husband at all now. I feel annoyed just by seeing his face, and I don’t want to say a word to him at all. , I would feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with him. ?

I replied to her: ?What do you think is the reason why you don’t want to divorce now?

The girl said again: ?It’s just the child, and there is uncertainty about the future life and so on. However, I feel that living like this now is a waste of my life. ?

Then, the girl suddenly said: "Sister Xiyan, tell me, whether I should get a divorce or not, I will listen to you and you can help me decide." ?

I don’t know how to answer. The more difficult the choice is, and the more it involves the future, the more difficult it is for others to make the decision for you. Because all consequences and future difficulties need to be borne by yourself.

So, I replied to the girl: Think about it, are there any reasons why you can’t leave or don’t want to leave? If there are any, then stick to it. If there are none, then leave decisively. You need to make this decision yourself, I can't help you. I can easily say, leave, or not leave. But I cannot be responsible for your future days. No matter what decision I make for you, you have to go through the bumpy roads on your own. ?

Each of us likes to turn to others for help when we encounter difficulties, hoping that someone can help us make a decision. Maybe you already have the answer in your heart, and you just hope to use this person to confirm that you made the right choice. Or, you hope that when you regret it in the future, you can tell yourself that this decision was not made by myself, so as to alleviate the pain in your heart. .

However, have you ever thought about it, the person who makes decisions for you cannot live for you. Whether it's feelings, or opportunities or risks you encounter in the process of growing up, you have to make your own decisions. No one knows you better than you, even if it makes you feel hesitant and at a loss.

I have a friend who got married. He was not happy at all, and there was no sign of happiness.

She met the boy through a blind date. The girl is about to turn thirty. Regarding her marriage, the family is very anxious and lowers the standards time and time again. Slowly, she has changed from having to marry a good man with both ability and political integrity to marrying off as long as she can.

The attitude of the girl and her family was all seen by the boy. This scheming scumbag was very nice to the girl at first, but suddenly changed his face when he was getting ready to get married.

Buy a house? No money; take wedding photos? No time; diamond ring? Too wasteful... That’s it, the house is from the girl’s family, the decoration is done by the girl herself, and the wedding photos It was the girl who made all the reservations and forced the boy to take photos. The banquet and other wedding matters were all taken care of by the girl's family.

To be honest, I’ve only heard of people marrying only to get married, but this time I really saw it.

This scumbag challenges the bottom line of the girl and her family again and again. For example, when taking wedding photos, he kept a dark face the whole time and kept asking why the photos weren't finished yet. The photographer said, handsome guy, just smile and it will be fine after this group of photos is taken. But he said, I can't laugh, that's all I am. For example, when we were discussing where to spend our honeymoon after getting married, he said reluctantly, "I don't have time and I can't take leave."

Such things abound, but the girl finally married him. You may want to ask, girl, why is this happening?

Actually, I want to ask too. So before we got married, I had a serious talk with the girl. I asked her: Have you thought it through? To be honest, I shouldn’t have said anything, but I think there is something wrong with this man. If you marry Will he be happy?

The girl looked at me and said: "Actually, I also feel there is something wrong, but at this point, my parents said that finding another one may not be better than this one." ?

I became anxious as soon as I heard this: "You can't ruin your life because of this mentality." If you feel bad, it's still too late to step back from the brink. ?

The girl lowered her head and said: ?But my parents said that marriage still needs to be adjusted. They also said that my age cannot be delayed any longer. ?

I was speechless, because no matter what I said, the girl’s answer was what my parents said. There are too many people around us who are accustomed to having their parents make decisions, and Chinese parents especially like to make decisions for their children in the name of "for your own good."

When they were young, it was up to them to decide which instrument to learn, what clothes to wear, and which school to attend. When they grow up, they also have to decide where to work and who to marry.

Perhaps we are all accustomed to this kind of life style and feel that our parents absolutely love us and the decisions we make will definitely not be wrong. But girl, your parents can help you make decisions, but can they help you live your life?

In the following days, you will have to face such a scumbag, aren't you really afraid?

You have now foreseen that this man will cheat on you, stay out all night, be a baby boy, and treat you badly, but you just ignore the fire pit in front of you because your parents made the decision for you. Do you really think that when you are burned by the fire, someone can hurt you?

A friend once said that in this world, you are the only one who is wholeheartedly devoted to yourself, and everyone else will. There are selfish motives, including parents.

In this girl, I deeply understand this. Her parents actually realized at the final stage that there was something wrong with the boy and there was something wrong with the marriage. But they just feel that the girl is already so old, and if she misses this time, it will be more difficult to get married in the future. Moreover, it has come to this point and everyone knows it. It would be too embarrassing to say forget it.

It’s because they don’t have these, they are selectively blind, pretending not to see the essence of this scumbag, pretending not to think that this is a foreseeable tragedy.

In the end, the girl did not stop herself from the cliff. The boy was arrogant on the wedding day. Faced with the difficulties of the bridesmaids, he had a bad attitude and acted like he wanted to marry or not. Everyone was embarrassed. But it can only be swallowed alive.

There are many things in life that need to be decided. If you are used to letting others make decisions for you, then you should also think about whether they can help you live the rest of your life.

No matter whether this person is your parents or someone you trust, they cannot help you face the future and the ups and downs. If you plunge headlong into that lie that is "for your own good", you can only wait to spend your life soaked in tears in the future.

The unknown is always the most terrifying, and making decisions for your own life is always the most difficult.

Every time we make a decision, we hope someone can give us a reason, whether it is for or against. In fact, we don’t necessarily really want to listen to the other party’s opinions. What we need more is an order so that we can move forward without thinking, or we feel that when problems arise, there is someone who can bear the consequences with you.

However, is there really such a person? Whether it is a parent, friend or lover, he can cry with you when you are in the most pain, can pity you, but can never make you transcend. , what do you really bear?

I am not a relationship expert, so when someone asks me for help, I usually reply: I can help you analyze it, but the decision is still up to you.

But I believe that no matter how professional an emotional expert is, he or she cannot get an effective way to solve the problem from your words. Even if I give it to you, it will be as a bystander speaking indifferently. The truth is, it's a bit like standing and talking without back pain.

No matter how difficult the road of life is, you must walk it yourself. People who truly care about you will not and dare not make decisions for you.

What you need to do is to be calm and rational, make a decision for yourself, and then hit the road resolutely. In the future, no matter what difficulties you encounter, remember this day. It was you who made this decision yourself. I believe that thinking of this will make you feel better.

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