Sanmao's Death: Suicide is premeditated.

"A puzzling, unconventional, surreal and strange girl is like a mystery. I like to pursue hallucinations and create tragic beauty. When hallucinations come true, I start to escape. -writer and literary researcher Hu Pinqing

Sanmao (65438+March 26th 0943- 199 1 year 65438+1October 4th)

Sanmao has always been curious about death, and the word "death" frequently pops up in her pen.

"Suicide" happened when Sanmao was very young, when she was in an autistic adolescence. Luckily, she came out that time. When she grew up, she explained, "At that time, she was still young and didn't understand-death was not liberation, but escape."

Later, her fiance died, and she also wanted to commit suicide. They lived together for six years until they met Jose. In these days, she lived a sweet and full life, and she kept silent about such things as death. At that time, a magazine asked her to write an article with the theme: What would you do if you only had three months to live?

She thought for a long time and never wrote this article. She said, "Although predicting death is my favorite way to end my life, I still refuse to die. There are three lives in this world closely related to my personal death, that is, my father, my mother and Jose. If any one of them is still alive for one day, I can't die, and even God can't take me away, because I won't, God knows. ..... I want to keep my home and protect my husband. A responsible person has no right to die. "

After Jose died unexpectedly, one of her three lines of communication with the world was cut off. For her, life became less stable, and death began to surface again. Look at her. At that time, everyone was worried that she would commit suicide, and she did think about it. She once said to her parents seriously, "If you choose the road to end your life, you should also understand it, because it will be a happier destination for me."

Mother begged her: "Try again, try to live again, not to give you a chance to choose, but to ask you to try again."

My father almost lost control and said to her, "If you say this heartless thing, you are telling my father that he lives in hell, because since you said it today, my father lives in fear every day and doesn't know which day he will suddenly lose his daughter." If you dare to do such a thing to ruin your life, then you are my enemy. I am not only an enemy of you in this life, but also an enemy of you from generation to generation, because-you killed my most beloved daughter-"

Her parents' reaction let her know how important her life is to them. So she said, "I would like to be the last person in the life circle of my parents and husbands." ..... The hardships of life, the emptiness inside, and the heartbreak at the time of death are all borne by me alone! "

But she broke her word.

Perhaps, language is time-sensitive. What people say in a certain environment, when the situation of life changes, they no longer agree with what they said before.

Some people say that she is so passionate and strong, how could she commit suicide?

In fact, in those years, she was forcing herself to live. After Jose's death, she was extremely difficult mentally, but in order not to show her vulnerability, she found some fun for herself-writing books, writing lyrics, writing plays, collecting old things everywhere, and really seemed to have a good life. She doesn't want to appear sad in front of everyone, but only shows her sadness in front of some close friends. Later, she seldom showed her sadness in front of her friends. In those years, she didn't always indulge in sadness. She was really happy drinking, chatting and joking with her friends. On the surface, she seems to have been cured, but there is always a dark place in her heart, and her psychological condition is even more dangerous.

In those years, all her words were scattered and she lost her original spirituality. She knows it herself, but it can't change the status quo. Writing is emotional, and it's no use trying hard. In the letter to her father, she revealed her helplessness:

Dad, you can't ask me to be a radiant woman in the desert forever, because the situation of life has changed and that substance has become another crystallization. I really can't write a fake mood.

Although in the years after Jose's death, she made one success after another-published more than a dozen books, set a record, and wrote a play-Rolling the Red Dust. But the creative process is a loss to the creator. Writing a book is no problem. You can create according to your own mind. Writing lyrics and screenplays requires teamwork and repeated revisions. She changed the lyrics of Echo album many times, and the record company typed it back many times. The script has been revised many times. Those days when she was so busy that she lost her memory were all because of these jobs. This is a great loss of energy and spirit.

Rolling the world of mortals is an important breakthrough in Sanmao's creation after Jose's death. It is a work that Sanmao worked hard to complete, and it is also a challenge for her, so she cares about this work very much. Although it doesn't matter to the outside world that San Mao doesn't get the prize, he still cares in his heart. Before the award, she said to a close friend, "I wrote the film" Rolling Red Dust ",starring Brigitte Lin and Maggie Cheung, and I have been shortlisted for the Asian Film Awards. I'm going to Hong Kong to attend the ceremony. I don't know if I can win the prize in the end. I'm very nervous. I am always worried that people have too high expectations for the movies I write, and I am worried that they will be disappointed. "

A friend comforted her and said, "You didn't make the movie. If you can win the best screenplay award, of course, even if you can't, readers will still like you. "

She said, "I'm still worried. If I don't win any prizes, I will lose face. I spent a lot of time and energy on this movie. "

She is not very confident about her cross-border creation, so she needs this award to affirm. But her hopes were dashed. After the release of "Rolling Red Dust", it won numerous awards. He won eight awards, including Best Actress, Best Film, Best Photography, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress, Best Art Design, Best Modeling Design and Best Movie Music, but the best screenplay award was lost.

Since Sanmao moved back to Taiwan Province Province, she has put herself in a busy job, and work has become her safe island. This busyness lasted until 1990, the year before she committed suicide. This year, she almost finished all the work. "Rolling Red Dust" was released in this year; This year's best screenplay award was also lost; The brief and moth-like love with Wang also happened in this year and ended in this year. When all this is over, those things that filled her and gave her a sense of security suddenly pulled away, and the inner air pressure was unbalanced, resulting in a psychological gap, and there was nowhere to fill the emptiness in her heart. She did everything she liked in the world. She once said, "My life is rich, vivid, bumpy and happy, and I am very satisfied." If you stay any longer, nothing new will happen. To live again is nothing more than continuing to write one book after another and going to another distant place, and these things that made her happy at first brought her less and less happiness. Just like the hut she built for herself in the city center, at the beginning, she enthusiastically renovated it, but soon after living in it, she felt dull and moved back to live with her parents. German economist Gehlsen once put forward a law about pleasure: the same pleasure is repeated, and the enjoyment it brings gradually decreases, which is called "diminishing marginal utility" in economics. For Sanmao, at first, when she published an article in a magazine, she felt ecstatic. That ecstasy can even get her out of years of autism. It is conceivable that it is such a powerful force. Then she published a book, and she was happy. The joy of publishing her work for the first time is still there, but it has somewhat diminished. More and more books are published, and in the end, writing and publishing books has become a common thing, even a job, and the joy in my heart is getting less and less. And this year, she was admitted to the hospital because of illness. If she wants to have an operation, her mood will be affected. The love around her is getting weaker and weaker, and neither the emotions from people nor what happened in those two years have reached the level of satisfaction for her.

Sanmao's death has always been premeditated, perhaps for too long. She suddenly committed suicide after people forgot about it.

Mother Miao Jin Lan said in an interview after Sanmao committed suicide: "In the years after Jose's death, Sanmao often told me that she wanted to die and asked me to promise her. She said that as long as I promised, she could die happily. As a parent, how can you promise your child to do such a stupid thing, so you have been asking her not to think about it. Recently, she told me that she was going to end her life. She said,' I have been traveling all my life. I have been to the mainland. I have done what I have to do, and I have no choice. I feel so tired. ..... Because Sanmao often said that she was going to die, just as the shepherd boy often said "Wolf is coming" and "Wolf is coming", her father and I thought that she had said "literati crazy" again, so confused. "

Before Sanmao died, the day before she went to the hospital, she suddenly solemnly gave her mother a jade carving and a birthday card. Mother felt very strange and said to her, "Isn't it a birthday next month?" Sanmao said flatly, "I'm afraid it's too late."

At this time, a new death plot began. When someone loves, death is taboo and not mentioned; When the loved one is gone, death is tempting and fearless. Death is a lake, and she plunged into it. In the hospital bathroom where Sanmao committed suicide, there were handrails on both sides of the toilet. As long as Sanmao has a little idea of survival, she can immediately grab the handrail and save her life, but she doesn't. She walked firmly. Just like what she wrote in "Rolling Red Dust"-if you don't escape, you will die.

Her sister said, "Everything is in her heart, and no one can save her." Her father said, "She has lost the strength to live." She wrote in "Rolling Red Dust": "The tragedy of fate is better than the tragedy of personality."

This sentence is like talking about herself. She is a clever woman who knows everything but can't live.

Excerpt from San Mao Biography: As soon as you let go, I fell into the vast universe.