Anonymous growth of sadness

There is holiness in sorrow-Oscar Wilde.

? At first, when I saw this sentence in the announcement of the discussion group of the Sorrow League, I felt a little confused, because sadness and sadness are obviously the difference between the original word and the superlative in English. Finally, a girl named Nano in the group told me that sadness is like a god, sadness is his person, there will be sadness in art, but there is only sadness in life. I wrote down what Nano said. I usually write down what I don't understand first.

? I was drawn into this discussion group by Nano, and the Sorrow League adopts the invitation system, so so far there are only fifty people in the group. As Wilde's only sentence in the announcement represents, this group is a place where literature discusses aestheticism. With a little literary knowledge accumulated in my university, I still remember the creator and practitioner of aestheticism.

? Wilde preached art for the sake of art, which transcends life. Wilde said that art should not imitate life, but life should imitate art. The theory of artistic life not only guided Wilde's artistic creation, but also led to his life's destruction. Because Wilde played homosexuality with Sir Douglas, an American teenager in the feudal Victorian era, Wilde was imprisoned for indecent assault, which also declared the end of the aestheticism movement.

? When it comes to literature, I always think it is between the author and the reader. You write, I read, you express, I feel. Think, collide, rotate and jump.

Second,

? /kloc-In the winter of 0/3, my girlfriend Xiaoxiao and I left Beijing and returned to our hometown. Because for two college students who just graduated from ordinary colleges and universities, the work is busy and the pace of life is tense, and all their wages are dedicated to eating, drinking, housing and transportation. The gap between fantasy and reality has brought great pressure for survival. And we are all comfortable people, so we hit it off, quit our jobs, bid farewell to our friends, packed our bags, and got on the train home with great expectations for a new life.

? I was the first to put forward the idea of going home. Xiaoxiao first stared blankly for a moment and said that you should stop teasing me. I bowed my head and smiled and said nothing.

? "You can't be serious." Xiaoxiao stopped to cut half the green pepper, turned around and took a kitchen knife in surprise.

? I raised my eyebrows at her and gave her the look you thought. I look mean.

? Xiaoxiao opened her eyes wide and wanted to jump up and hug me.

? "ah! Put the knife down first! " I pointed at the knife in her hand in horror.

? Xiaoxiao is my college classmate and fellow countryman, lively and cheerful, generous and gentle, but also contaminated with some neurotic literary cavity. Because Xiaoxiao turns off her cell phone from time to time on weekends, she walks around the city aimlessly, and she can't find it most of the day. When you ask her when she will be back, she will say, just browsing. Sometimes I bring some fruits, vegetables and daily necessities back. At first, I was dissatisfied with Xiaoxiao's inexplicable disappearance and advised her not to be so capricious and weird, but Xiaoxiao still went her own way, completely ignoring my emotions, and I couldn't find anything to pay attention to, because Xiaoxiao usually chose to leave in her spare time, which would not affect her normal life, so I had to stop saying anything but tell her to pay attention to safety and go with her.

? Xiaoxiao and I met in the literature club. Although we knew we were classmates at that time, I was shy by nature and not good at interacting with the opposite sex, so I had little communication with Xiaoxiao in the literary society at that time. The real beginning of intersection was a community dinner in early autumn. At that time, Xiaoxiao had a relatively stable novel section in an unknown magazine. The sounds are noisy and intertwined. Xiaoxiao drank a lot and looked different when he was half drunk. Our dormitory is separated by a building and in the same class, so in order to ensure the safety of lesbians, I was assigned to pick up Xiaoxiao. Xiaoxiao was in front, and I followed, so I walked silently. There was no sound everywhere, except for the insects floating in the air.

? "Come with me to the playground for a while." Xiaoxiao suddenly said. Tone insipid, don't recognize emotions.

? "The dormitory will be locked immediately." I blurted it out and immediately felt like an idiot.

? "Then you should go back first. You are at school anyway. " Xiaoxiao still said simply, with his head down to go.

? I was so sleepy and tired that I almost said, okay,

? "Let's go and meet you. After all, I am a person with a mission. " I tried to hide my helpless tone.

? "Not reluctantly." Xiaoxiao looked up at me with a smug smile.

? "Not at all." I looked at her pretty face and agreed.

? Several couples are walking sporadically on the playground, and the dim street lamps set off an ambiguous and quiet atmosphere.

? "I have read your article and won my heart." Smile made a gesture of putting his hand on his heart.

? In fact, what touched me was Mix's next sentence.

? "If I speak so bluntly, will it appear that I am superficial?"

? I suddenly felt a lump in my heart. I have read Xiaoxiao's novels, and we are all keen on the pursuit of the meaning of life, exploring the emotions covered by ordinary life with decadence, sadness, numbness and even morbidity. I'm not sure whether this method can give people hope. I just think there must be something hidden in it. At least we have a common topic in literary pursuit.

? "I like what you wrote, too, but I have been embarrassed to talk to you." I couldn't conceal my inner joy and said with a smile.

? "What's embarrassed? Everyone is a classmate, huh? "

? "I'm not good at interacting with girls." I explained.

? "Well, I think this is very good, this is very good. Your future girlfriend won't worry about your cheating. " Xiaoxiao said humorously.

? "Well, it has nothing to do with being good at it." I pointed out the problem.

? "I don't think you are very good at it." Xiaoxiao left a sentence.

? I looked at my mobile phone, and it was past the closing time of the dormitory. Although the bed was not checked on Friday, the school gate was closed. I wonder how to spend the night with such a drunk girl.

? Suddenly Xiaoxiao said, "Sit down and let's talk."

? So Xiaoxiao and I sat side by side on the lawn, looking at the stars in the night. I don't know what to say. We are not very familiar with it. Now the topic of literature is too serious and meaningless.

? "Don't talk to me about literature." Xiaoxiao warned.

? "I think so too." I smiled.

? "Actually, I am very lonely." Hearing Mix say this, I don't know if she is really drunk or lyrical.

? "No one is not lonely." I have to go on.

? "But everyone's is different. Let me talk about mine. " Xiaoxiao took a pleading tone.

? I nodded and suddenly seemed to feel a little sad.

? That early autumn night, accompanied by the chill gradually emerging in the middle of the night, I learned that Xiaoxiao's parents were intellectuals of that era, Xiaoxiao was the only daughter in the family, and she was a happy girl who grew up in love and grew up smoothly. It was not until he was admitted to the university and received the admission notice that Xiaoxiao was told that he was actually an orphan.

? "Dad told me that my parents looked sorry at the time, probably because my parents felt that they had cheated me for so long." Xiao Xiao said so at that time.

? The night she learned that she was an orphan, Xiaoxiao said that she and her best friend went out for a drink, just one bottle. Xiaoxiao said that she was not sad, because in the past 18 years, her parents have been very kind to her, and her food, clothing, housing and transportation are no worse than those of her peers, and her inner care is meticulous, so she did not intend to get drunk to solve anything, but felt that her loneliness was suddenly amplified and she was a little depressed.

? Late autumn is the true face of early autumn. It was cold and quiet, and suddenly I found that there were only two of us on the playground.

? "Then why did they tell you the truth? Is it not good to keep secrets? " I asked.

? "I also asked this. My parents said they felt obliged to tell me the truth. They also explained that telling me the truth is not that you don't love me, nor is it what they think, telling me not to think too much. Actually, I don't hate them telling me the truth at all. Do you know why? " Xiaoxiao asked me.

? "Because they love you enough." I said so, but I vaguely felt that there was something else, but I just couldn't remember it.

? "Love is of course one aspect to me. Another thing is that I have been looking for the answer to my loneliness. Although loved by parents since childhood, she is very independent. I think I have to rely on myself. I was washing clothes when I was very young, cooking for myself when I was alone at home, and going to boarding schools far away from home no more than twice a semester. After making new friends, we separated for various reasons. After losing it, I got it again and lost it again. " Xiao Xiao said simply.

? "All these make me feel lonely." Xiaoxiao paused. "Maybe it sounds trivial, but it's all true."

? "I can understand." I seldom use a firm tone. In the face of Xiaoxiao's frankness, I am very happy to meet her and a little sad. Hers and mine.

? We chatted off and on that night. Under the starry sky, I have some love for Xiaoxiao, and my heart is unexpectedly stable.

Third,

? I have been a good boy in the neighborhood since I was a child, and it is true. My grades are not bad, I am sensible and obedient, and I am polite to say hello to my neighbors. My parents are hardworking workers. They taught me to be honest, kind, diligent and a little traditional and conservative. So much so that when I talk to beautiful girls in middle school, I often blush nervously and talk confusedly. So my youth has a kind of incomplete beauty because there is no puppy love. I once described my youth to Xiaoxiao like this. Xiaoxiao said that you are disabled.

? Until I went to college, I was still disabled, not because I didn't have a girl I liked, not because I didn't want to fall in love, but because I was afraid of no result. When I explained to Xiaoxiao why we didn't fall in love, Xiaoxiao said that you would know that there was no result if you didn't try. You're just running away and don't want to take responsibility.

? "What about you?" I asked.

? "Me too." Smiled and bowed his head.

? "Then you have the face to criticize me." I looked at her.

? "I'd love to." Xiaoxiao seems unreasonable.

? Probably from then on, Xiaoxiao and I had a tacit understanding on the issue of love. We are all lonely, but we are all afraid that we won't last long, and the novelty of the moment will be exchanged for the boredom of the end. Therefore, in the four years of college, none of us has expressed our good feelings to each other and maintained our due friendship. Even so, being together for too long is often mistaken for being a couple. We seem to be used to this relationship, obviously there is no pressure and no loneliness. I have been in college for four years and have never held Xiaoxiao's hand.

? When I was a junior, Xiaoxiao said that I was going to take the postgraduate entrance examination, which surprised me a little. I thought Xiaoxiao would go back to our hometown or stay in Beijing after graduation like me. I don't know where Xiaoxiao will go if he is admitted. Another reason that makes me feel angry and flustered is that Xiaoxiao's grades are not bad.

? Suddenly, I felt cheated.

? Then I was relieved, because we are really just friends. Our relationship has always been very good, and I am a little sentimental.

? Later, it turned out that, with Xiaoxiao's encouragement, I also began to prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination. Xiaoxiao moved me because I can stay in school for several years. So we started working hard, getting up early and going to bed late. During that time, we were both very tired, just like senior three, but fortunately, we were not alone, and we were a lot less tired.

? I am satisfied with the final result. Neither of us passed the exam, and we were not far from crossing the line.

? Xiaoxiao asked me, "retake the exam?"

? I said I wouldn't take the exam. Smiled and said, "I'm not going to take the exam either."

? "Then let's be together." I was shocked when I said this, because I said it naturally and fluently.

? Xiaoxiao said, "Good."

? It was the summer of graduation in 13, and I still felt it was a cool summer in the face of some confusion about the future and frustration in finding a job after graduation.

Fourth,

? I am not an active member of the discussion group of Sorrow Union, but I will open it in my spare time and insert a few words. Until the owner of the group, a man named Bao Ge, prepared to initiate a meeting, many people responded. Xiaoxiao and I were still in Beijing at that time. Faced with the pressure of work and survival, I began to enjoy attending all kinds of free strange dinners, eating and drinking with strangers at strange wine tables, laughing and embarrassed together, leaving after eating and never seeing anyone again, and always feeling unexpectedly relaxed after each end. Of course I didn't miss it this time. It was a Saturday night in a bar called Night.

? I arrived ten minutes early and saw several people standing in front of the bar in the distance. The night wind in early autumn has been a little cold, and several people have wrapped up their clothes in the wind. I was a little surprised when a man who called himself Brother Bao came over and handed me a cigarette. One-meter-eight height, neat oblique bangs, capable figure, white shirt with black baseball uniform, blue jeans and white sneakers. He said he was a student, but he was not childish. Bend over to give a cigarette and smile just right.

? "Wait a minute, everyone is here." Brother Bao raised his hand and looked at his watch.

? Brother Bao registered and I told him my name.

? "Uh-huh, I remember, it seems that I am not very active." Brother Bao said with a smile.

? I'm surprised that this product is really used, even I know if I take the initiative.

? More than twenty people came one after another. The boxes are a little small, and some of them simply lie on the ground.

? The dim light of the bar is only used to cover up the embarrassment that everyone saw at first sight.

? Brother Bao stood in the middle and said, "At least we have some common interests in literature. Don't be bound unnecessarily. First of all, thank you very much for coming. Thank you for your trust in me. I am not a liar. " When I heard this, everyone smiled heartily and seemed to be exposed to the psychology of prevention. "I'm glad everyone can come. We won't play boring wine table games, which will delay everyone's time. Everyone will be single. Think of it as a blind date. "

? "I am not." A girl raised her hand and said.

? "It doesn't matter if you break up soon." Brother Bao smiled and waved.

? Everyone burst into laughter.

Five,

? It was at that party that Nano and I met. Nano was sitting next to me and handed a cigarette to the strong DJ music in the bar.

? Nano is a white-collar worker in a cubicle with exquisite makeup. She was lovelorn at that party.

? Nano said that she had been in love with her boyfriend for five years. The reason for breaking up was that her boyfriend cheated and her boyfriend ran away with her best friend. Nano said she couldn't figure out how such an old story of dog blood could happen to herself.

? "I can understand that my boyfriend likes the new and hates the old, but I can't figure out how my best friend can bear to lose my good friend and be with that scum." After drinking a little wine, Nano's mood evaporated.

? I advised Nano not to drink, so she stopped drinking.

? "Besides, he was drunk and no one sent him back." Nano laughs at himself.

? Nano said that her mother died of cancer when she was in primary school, and then she was autistic. Nano said that when she looked at her mother's cold body lying there and couldn't wake up no matter how she called it, her world seemed to collapse, her life was over, and she couldn't breathe anymore. After that, time seems to stop at that moment forever. After what nano should do, he stopped talking.

? "At that time, I felt that the world was so quiet. Only then did I feel closer to my mother. " Nano dusted off the dust with his forefinger, like a sad painting.

? "Fortunately, my dad didn't give up on me, took me to a big hospital and let me recover slowly. I don't think I'll ever meet such a good man as my father. " Nano wry smile.

? "You are still very lucky to have a good father. Your father should love your mother very much? " I really think Nano has a good father to say that.

? "Well, I love him, too." Nano bowed his head and smiled.

? I think Nano is here because she needs to talk about her lovelorn relationship. At that time, Nano smiled and said, "Anyway, we will never meet again. What does it matter if you confess? "

? I was thinking of the same thing. I nodded with a smile.

Six,

? It's not too difficult to find an accounting job in a small city, so Xiaoxiao and I got home soon, spent the New Year safely, and got an interview notice soon. My parents are also very happy that we go back to our hometown to work. Because Xiaoxiao and I are both only children. So in adulthood, the loneliness of parents and our loneliness are tied together. We become each other's only thoughts. When the work is busy, Xiaoxiao will still go out for a walk alone, but the frequency is less. I gradually understand that this is a way for Mix to relieve the pressure of a long life, just like I was obsessed with dinner before. The law of life makes happiness lose its sense of reality. In order to prevent or escape numbness, we all like to do things that are not so in line with the mainstream to deliberately show our existence.

? Unexpectedly, Nano contacted me later. Asked me if I wanted to go to Japan with her. She has two group tickets. I said I have a girlfriend. How can I go with you?

? "So you still want to go with me. You always have a way. I am waiting for your news. " Seeing the news of Nano, I don't know how to explain it to Xiaoxiao.

? I don't know why Nano wants me to go to Japan with her, and I can't explain why I want to go with Nano. Is it because of my unlimited sense of responsibility? I just heard Nami tell her ordinary story.

? After careful consideration, I confessed to Xiaoxiao.

? Smile and say, "Go if you want."

? "Hey, you really trust your boyfriend to travel with strange women." I have a feeling of being despised.

? "I think you still don't go, you don't trust yourself. I don't care if I let you go, and I don't care if I stop you. " Xiaoxiao put on a embarrassed look.

? "You are not generous, you are testing me, sister." I think what I said revealed something.

? "What are you going or not! Ah! You're asking me your own contradiction. Consider it a test. If you do something wrong to me, you don't have to come back. Come back and I'll fucking kill you! " Xiaoxiao shook my neck.

? So I set off with Xiaoxiao's warning and love.

Seven,

? In late spring, the weather in the north began to get warmer. Nano wore an ankle-high black tulle skirt, high-top canvas shoes, a white shirt with a black jacket and an exaggerated top hat.

? We landed in Kyoto.

? Nano didn't ask me what I said to my girlfriend. We were busy eating, taking pictures and relaxing, and I didn't forget to buy Xiaoxiao a present.

? Nano has been sleeping with me since that day, just sleeping in one room. She sleeps in the bed, I sleep in the big sofa, or change. Nano said she couldn't sleep alone, and her room was always empty. They also stayed up late every day, chatting, drinking and watching movies until they were sleepy.

? The night before I returned home, after taking a shower, Nano suddenly rode on my waist, and I was so scared that my mobile phone hit my forehead, which hurt badly.

? "See how I scare you." Nano eyes looked at me with a teasing smile. "To be honest, I haven't done that for a long time, and I don't feel anything. Will I be cold? "

? I also rode beside the Nano, smelling the smell of shampoo mixed in my hair, pretending to be calm.

? Nano turned over, fell on the bed, looked at me with a puzzled expression and laughed. "You know, there are only two possibilities for your indifference. One is that your girlfriend is very kind to you, and the other is that you can't. " Say that finish and continue to laugh.

? "Frankly speaking, I am the second kind." I'm going to use self-mockery to put out nano's ridicule.

? "I know, that's why I asked you to travel with me."

? I picked up the phone and pressed the bright screen. "I can't, but I have a girlfriend." I proudly show off.

? Nano hit me in the stomach.

Eight,

? Landed in Beijing and walked out of the airport.

? "Let's hug, and we'll never meet again." Nano smiled at me.

? "Well, I probably won't meet again."

? Later, I took out a piece of paper from my pocket, which was Wilde's loaded quatrains:

? We are all in the gutter, but some people will look up at the stars.

? It is written in brackets behind English that it is not convenient to take home. Throw it away.

? Xiaoxiao asked me what I was giggling about. I showed it to her.

? "This girl is very cultured and writes beautiful English." Laughing amuses me again.

? "Yes, very cultured." I went on to say.

? I threw the note into the trash can.