Live in the present and ask nothing.

If I had watched "Mo Wen West East" six months ago, I would have said it was a bad film, because its editing was messy, too many story lines led to a thin narrative, and the "truth" deliberately instilled was elusive, but it was the best Mandarin film I have ever seen in the cinema, not because of its actor's acting skills, beautiful photography and background music, but because it really touched me at this moment.

?

? The film mainly tells the stories of Tsinghua students in four different eras. Although their life experiences and environments are different, they express the same theme: the pursuit of true self. Wu Linglan gave up his liberal arts talent to study science because everyone in the world is proud of his practical learning. Finally, Mei Yiqi's words and Tagore's speech in Tsinghua made him realize that he no longer pursued what others thought was the most valuable. Shen Guangyao is the only child in the family. The only thing his mother asked of him was not to be a soldier. But in the end, he died heroically for the ideal of his country and became an air force. Faye Wong's phrase "Be a hero, don't waste that youthful courage" is to sing him; Wang found true love after his lies were exposed and his goodwill was framed. Facing the intrigue in the workplace, Zhang Guo said, "I am different from them.". I cried many times in the cinema. In the past, I would have praised the precious love and heroism in this film, but today I want to write the themes that run through this film: "truth" and "self".

?

I have experienced a lot in the past six months, which should be the richest, most difficult and most powerless time since I was born. Internship, thesis, work, accident, illness ... all kinds of things are mixed together, and I also lost my way in my haste and gradually lost my vitality in my anxiety, just as Mei Yiqi said in the film: "People put themselves in a busy life, and there is a numbness and sureness, but without truth, your youth will be lost." I started to get sick, and I started to get scared. I'm afraid of being alone and I can't go to work normally. I am not interested in anything. I feel weak, dizzy, chest tightness, palpitations, and then my ears have been ringing. I feel all kinds of discomfort. Going to the hospital for examination has no effect, and taking medicine has no effect. My friend who studied medicine said that I was depressed, but it was very mild, and I was more afraid. I am afraid that I will be really depressed one day, and I am afraid that I can't finish it. I'm afraid I can't work, I'm afraid of my future life, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of noisy environment, I'm afraid I'll die if I get sick, I'm afraid my parents won't be taken care of ... I feel completely different from before.

?

? I gave up my hard-won job. I put down my paper for the time being. I tried to get myself out, meet my old friends and go out for a walk. Although I am in poor health, I am less and less afraid. I began to think about why I am like this. Although I didn't really figure it out, I found that a large part of my reason was because I lost that courage and felt powerless because I was confused about the future. I am afraid that I can graduate, and I am afraid of my life after graduation. My major is to get in touch with the latest information technology every day. Just look at the rest. I want to study. I am listening to knowledge audio when I run, listening to books when I take the bus, and brushing various official WeChat accounts every day for knowledge growth and self-growth. I just became a "knowledge anxiety". I began to doubt the value of my study and my self-ability. I began to doubt the true and ideal meaning of love. I really seem to be.

? There are many voices around, and the students are working hard. People of the same age have already worked and got married. The teacher urged us to hand in our papers and look for jobs. The family says examiner, be a teacher! We watch too much and listen too much. It seems that everyone is telling us some truth and teaching us how to choose, but we are suspicious and don't know what we should do, what we can do and what we should do.

? I used to be high-spirited, young and frivolous, and I felt that the whole world was ours with a bright future, but now I feel as if I can't do anything well. Even after the interview and the attempt, I was recognized by the other party. I was still a little scared, especially after I decided to work in a big city. My body was overwhelmed and I had no courage. Even now, I am quiet every day, especially at night. Tinnitus makes me panic.

?

? However, now I have begun to slowly try not to care about it, not to think about the future, not to get better quickly, because at least now I am alive, I can hear the sound of rain, I can feel the wind blowing, I can see this beautiful and cruel world, and I still have people who love me and people who deserve a good life waiting for me to love them. Life is too short, and the moment is too long. I live in the present and want nothing.

? I understand now that life is constant practice, and the so-called practice is to know yourself and become yourself. I hope, as I hope in the film, that I will not give up thinking about life and being true to myself in the years to come.

?