Essential

Recently, I and the people around me have been shocked by Danbao (2 weeks 7)'s self-control. Of course, I am very pleased that he is so sensible. For example, if I tell him that he can only eat 5 peanuts, he will never accept the peanuts handed to him by his aunts and uncles again; I tell him that he can only eat one ice cream a day and cannot eat the second one. If you give it to him, he won't eat it; and you can only watch 5 episodes of Peppa Pig on your mobile phone, and you can't watch anymore after that. During this process, I swore that I never used threats or intimidation to stop him, so he would not cry or make trouble, and would tell others that enough was enough. I think it’s really great that he has such self-control at his age!

I am quite perceptive, so I am very interested in studying why he is like this, and what I and the people who had a key influence on him did during this process. Let him behave like this. To sum up, there are three main points:

1. If we want others to listen to us, we must also listen to others

2. When persuading, try to create more than three types of benefits.

3. When discouraging, explain the interests and do not conceal or exaggerate.

In the process of getting along with Danbao, I will usually be willing to listen to him when he makes requests to me, even if they are not too excessive. So, when I need him to be obedient, he will naturally listen to me. In my life observation, I discovered a very strange phenomenon. Many parents "cannot hear" what their children say and do not pay attention to what they say. The child will naturally imitate them and choose not to listen or not be able to hear. As a result, in such a situation, the only way to make the child understand is through violence and yelling, and the child can only make the parent understand by crying and resisting.

Coincidentally, we can also check carefully and change the target from a child to a colleague/family member/lover around us, and we will find many similar scenes. For example, the boss may find the employees difficult to manage, the wife may dislike her husband for not listening to his advice, the son may complain that his elderly parents are rigid in their thinking and stubborn and unwilling to change, etc. I am particularly careful and aware now, because when I have an idea that I want the other person to listen to me, I have to check myself whether I have listened carefully to what the other person said. Being careful and obedient here actually ultimately expresses the respect we give to each other. Everyone needs a sense of self-respect (the feeling of being respected). If you don’t give, how can you expect others to respect you and listen to you?

Respect is the foundation of interaction between people, whether the object is our children or other people.

When we want to guide/influence someone, if we just say it would be great if you do this, do you think the other person will be touched? Don't talk about each other. When we go shopping, if the shopping guide tells you that you will be fine if you have this thing, will you pay for it in the face of such a pale line? Obviously they don’t know how~

So if you want to really persuade someone successfully, you must deliberately practice your words and let the other person know that there are at least three benefits of doing this. The principle of doing this is simple, because only if we collect more examples, we will have a greater probability of hitting the other party's pain points in the process of persuasion. I used this principle in the course design of personal growth camps. I deliberately explained the application of a concept from three dimensions (personal, family, and work). I also had to explain three examples for each dimension. So there will be 9 examples in a ***. Because I understand that in the learning process, only through rich cases can lecturers capture the emotional experience of different students and make them understand.

This principle is also used by me in parenting, counseling and creating a family atmosphere. In terms of parenting, for example, if I want to guide Danbao to play more on the playground, in addition to telling him the benefits of basic exercise, I also need to let him know other benefits of doing this, such as playing with his mother and meeting other people. Children can pick up leaves/flowers, see snails/butterflies/birds, go treasure hunting, play with other children’s toys, etc. There is always one of these benefits that can "tempt" him, and from the point of tempting him, you can also notice which ones work for him and which ones don't, so as to better understand the child's nature. In consultation, I will often guide everyone to read more books. In addition to everyone knowing that reading is good for us, I will explain in detail why it is particularly good. For example, the accumulation of inspiration, the stimulation of life passion, the cultivation of self-growth knowledge, the improvement of insight, the accumulation of personal brand, etc. For another example, in terms of creating a family atmosphere, I have always been worried about asking my mother to part ways with her because she is really busy with work and has a lot of things given to her by others, so our house has really become a messy store. between. So I have to tell her from time to time that separation is helpful in cleaning up the dust in the house and making it less likely to get sick. Only by tidying up frequently can we truly understand what is missing in the house, instead of causing her constant mental pressure and making her think that She doesn't own something, so she keeps buying it; let her know that house prices are very expensive, and she has wasted a lot of money by hoarding a lot of useless things, etc. In the end, I found that only by helping her calculate the money clearly could she really be moved and start taking action.

Therefore, when persuading, you must try your best to create more than 3 types of benefits to make the other party clearly understand, because there will always be one that will focus on them. The above are some examples from daily life. The more aware we are, the more application scenarios we can create. Here is an exercise to help you improve your persuasion, which is copywriting. Many friends may be stuck in the stage of buying after reading the copy, but today I want to share another idea with you. We can collect what are the benefits of making/owning something. Because in all copywriting routines, there must be a column of "What are your gains?" So what we need to do is sort out these benefits/gains, and then turn them into the words we use to persuade others.

In terms of parenting, what we are most worried about is the safety of our children. We are deeply afraid that they will be electrocuted, scalded, not fed enough, bullied, hurt, etc. I think we, the younger generation of parents, have a good attitude when facing these problems. At most, we can learn from the experience and let the children experience it on their own. However, the older generation is different and will be very worried. The result of their worries is that they will exaggerate to explain the seriousness of a matter, or use white lies to deceive children, etc. The most common situation is that when children are about to touch the plug, they will be very nervous and tell them that there will be electricity and it is very dangerous! But to be honest, I personally tested all the plugs at home and found that there is really no problem. Moreover, how can children under the age of 3 understand such a high-level and abstract word as "danger" by teaching it? They must understand it through "experience" and "association". The meaning of experience is to let them actually feel what it is like to get an electric shock in a safe and controllable situation; the meaning of association is to let them connect with the tragic events they have experienced and understand that an electric shock is very different from a fall. Like, it will be painful.

The above case is not only applicable to parenting. You will find that when communicating with friends/colleagues/family/lovers, not exaggerating or concealing interests is the basis for building trust. I rarely "lie" to Dan Bao. Even if the injection is painful, the doctor's visit is uncomfortable, and I may encounter something he doesn't like later, I will try my best to tell him in a way he can understand. Because I know that he must learn to experience and face it, I will not over-beautify or exaggerate one thing. Excessive and exaggeration will bring about "feeling error" for him, and this feeling error will leading to a crisis of trust. For example, when it comes to getting an injection, I tell him that it will hurt, but it will pass quickly. So after he found out, it was actually okay. He cried for a while when he was pricked by the needle, and then stopped crying immediately. But if I tell him that the injection won't hurt, and the other children are very brave (although there is obviously a lot of crying around), then his outlook will be very confused, he will not be able to figure out what the truth is, and he will not trust me. Brother Yang and I have long insisted on telling him the results of some things without exaggeration or deception, so he really trusts us. Brother Yang and I often feel that Danbao is very obedient and sensible. As long as we talk to him more and help him understand, he will eventually accept it.

Using fear and threats as means of dissuasion, I always feel that more hidden dangers will be laid. Sometimes, it is not a bad thing to objectively and neutrally describe the interests of a matter, or to let the other party truly experience it for themselves.

Back to today’s topic, let’s start from the perspective of parenting and discuss how to make our children listen to us and how to make everyone around us listen to us. The key words here are: respect, multiple benefits, and no deception.

Today I invite you to do a little exercise with me in the article to search for the skills you want to learn (for example: photography/painting/speech/writing/reading/handbook, etc.), and then find them Let’s extract 10 benefits for each skill in these 10 articles.

This exercise will help you look at copywriting objectively and calmly, and avoid falling into the trap of just buying and selling. The most important thing is that you will understand that those 10 benefits are your own learning goals!