There is a newborn at home! Seven tricks to crack the psychological problem of Dabao

Author \ Robbie Ma

As we all know, being pregnant with Robbie was an accident. While taking all contrac

There is a newborn at home! Seven tricks to crack the psychological problem of Dabao

Author \ Robbie Ma

As we all know, being pregnant with Robbie was an accident. While taking all contraceptive measures, we were pregnant with our first child for the first time, and both families were very excited.

Robbie just turned one year old, and my husband and I also had the silly idea of "should we have a second child?" I think we have forgotten all the hard days of taking care of the baby. This time, we worked hard for almost a year and finally got good news. When we learned that the second child was coming, our hearts were full of excitement and expectation, but at the same time we began to worry about how Robbie would face the impact.

In the past three years, Robbie has been the center of our family, and the whole world revolves around him. We take care of all his physical and psychological needs, including food when he is hungry and clothes when he is cold, changing his diapers, taking a bath, telling stories and singing, and accompanying him to visit amusement parks, farms, libraries and museums. But when his sister came, he had to compromise and began to practice "wait a minute!" " He is no longer the "most important" and "priority" person to meet the needs.

Since childhood, because of the great age gap between my brother and me, and because he was sent to the United States for education very early, although we still care about each other, because of the differences in age, gender, educational environment and place of residence, my relationship with my brother is relatively weak, which also makes me often envy friends who have very close brothers and sisters.

Because of the background of growing up, I am particularly nervous about how to help my children establish intimate relationships during pregnancy. Don't underestimate the maintenance of this brotherhood, it is definitely not just the harmony of family atmosphere (although it is really important). For Dabao and Bauer, family is the epitome of society, and children's first social learning environment is not school, but family. When they learn how to get along with their own hands and feet, they will also shape their own model of how to treat others in the future.

Recommended reading: Brothers are not jealous! Ten strategies to make Dabao happy to welcome his younger brother and sister.

Every family member needs time and space to adapt to the changes in the arrival of newborns. For Dabao, he can learn to take care of and share, and enter a state of independent care more quickly. If parents can help the boss prepare psychologically in advance, it can certainly slow down the impact of the baby's arrival on the boss and accelerate the adaptation to the arrival of new family members. Even parents will get a little helper who understands and loves!

In my mother's field, I absolutely dare not pretend to be an expert or a master. I'm just a novice at best. There are always endless events and topics, which are very difficult to pass. Every day, there is a new understanding in collision and friction.

Fortunately, I am still very keen on playing the role of mother. I read some books and reported many lectures during my pregnancy, so I can probably sort out some experiences and share them with you.

Pregnancy preparation

This is a biological instinct. Don't think that children don't "know" that you are pregnant with a baby, so they "can't feel". They can more or less feel the changes in your body and family atmosphere. In order to avoid being caught off guard by the sudden arrival of the baby, it is best to explain and introduce the arrival of new family members and the upcoming changes step by step during the nine months of pregnancy.

Share good news

The simpler the way to share, the better. There is no need to wrap it with stories, and there is no need to explain the complicated process of human conception. Take our family as an example. Just tell Robbie, "You want to be a brother! Mom has a small north nose in her stomach and will come out to play with you soon. "

However, the book explains that younger brothers and sisters under two and a half years old have no concept of time, and it is easy to be confused if they are told too early. About 7 months pregnant, you can consider starting education slowly. In addition, it will also be helpful to connect important festivals, such as: "Beckham celebrates with you before your birthday!" " But my personal experience is that Blair was born later than the due date, which led Robbie to keep asking where his sister was on his birthday.

Little story and great enlightenment

When I was training Robbie's sign language, sleeping, eating, giving up diapers, etc., my favorite trick was to read him a picture book, and gradually connect it with his daily life from the familiar characters or storylines, so that when he encountered similar events in his life, he could easily associate with how the protagonist in the story handled it.

I bought nine books as bedtime stories for my sister's arrival, and I have brainwashed him for nine months, so when my sister was born, Robbie's instinctive reaction exceeded my imagination.

For example ~ Case 1: When my sister cries, he will take the initiative to ask my sister if she is hungry or not.

Case 2: When he was eating yogurt, other friends jokingly asked him if he wanted to share it with his sister. He replied solemnly that his sister was too young to eat.

Case 3: When my sister was four months old, we were asking her to practice "lying down" and Robbie was "setting an example" to show her how to turn over.

We didn't take the initiative to teach him these things, but we learned them from books. We didn't spend much time teaching Robbie in the hectic days when Bauer came. It seems that he immediately played the role of big brother in an exemplary manner, which surprised me and delighted me.

What if I can't find a good book? It's simple. Talented mothers can draw by themselves, or there is a clever way in the book, that is, turn out all the photos and videos of eldest brother when he was a child, take the child through the visit just now, and review what he looked like when he was a child. This doesn't mean throwing the iPhone to the child and letting him see the photos by himself, but letting his parents explain the scene one by one, so that he can understand that after the baby is born, his parents must always hold him for feeding and burping, just like when he was a child.

Let the boss feel involved, too

Take my little brother/sister to the birth check-up so that he can hear the baby's heartbeat on the spot, see the baby's heartbeat through ultrasound, or share ultrasound photos. When the baby is kicking in the stomach, let the little brother and sister touch the mother's stomach and let them feel the baby's movement.

It is said that some units now offer courses for younger brothers and sisters to join, so that they can experience what it's like to have a baby at home with other children (unfortunately, I haven't found a similar course, so I can ask the nearby hospital if there is one). In addition, especially my little sister may like role-playing games very much, so prepare a doll for her to learn how to take care of a baby together.

Tell him in advance what may happen and give him a sense of security.

Instead of constantly telling children what it's like for their mother to give birth in the hospital, it's better to focus on letting them know "what will happen to you if your mother goes to the hospital". We planned in advance to entrust our close friends to take care of Robbie on the day of delivery (of course, family is better, but family is not in Seattle). They have a little brother and a little brother, both of whom are Robbie's best playmates.

So at that time, we will always tell Robbie that when my sister comes, mom and dad will go to the hospital to prepare. At this time, Aunt XX will pick you up to take a shower and sleep with your good friends. For Robbie's age, spending the night with friends is a fresh and fun thing, so to some extent, he is looking forward to it ~ haha.

Some children are sensitive to emotions. Mom and dad can prepare some photos for him to take with him and let him know that although mom and dad are not around, we often miss him. Even make a few phone calls to talk to him and reassure him.

In addition, when the baby is delivered smoothly and the mother's physical strength is still acceptable, please invite family members to come to the hospital with their little brothers and sisters to visit the mother and newborn. At this time, you can consider putting the baby down, hugging the big baby you haven't seen all night, so that he can get your attention at the first time, and then introduce his brother and sister to him.

Take the newborn home

In all mother-baby friendly hospitals, once a mother successfully gives birth to a baby, she will send the baby to her mother's arms at the first time, so that the mother and the baby can have the first intimate physical contact as soon as possible. According to the research report, this kind of skin blind date can make the baby feel the warmth of the mother and promote milk secretion. Similarly, it is a similar concept for little brothers and sisters at home. Although each child reacts differently to the newborn, the sooner he comes into contact with the newborn, the sooner he can start brotherhood.

Not the "confession" of babies and brothers and sisters.

At this time, the baby can't speak, but adults can take advantage of this advantage to express their love for their brothers and sisters instead of the baby. When the baby holds his brother and sister's fingers tightly and the baby smiles at his brother and sister, parents can take this opportunity to convey "Look! The baby likes you so much. These intimate little words have mysterious magic for brothers and sisters, which can bring them the happiness of being loved and make them regard their brothers and sisters as "people".

Recommended reading: Dabao is just a child! Don't force him to learn to be sensible.

Double the gift

Many parents know that Dabao's gift was prepared before the newborn was born, and was given to him as a meeting gift for his younger brother and sister immediately after birth. In addition, it should not be ignored that the enthusiasm of other relatives and friends for the baby may make Dabao feel unbalanced. Brothers and sisters will see an endless stream of visitors, bringing bags of gifts to the baby, not to themselves. Usually, more experienced tourists will prepare one more for their younger brothers and sisters.

At this time, parents can prepare a few small gifts in advance and prepackage them. Whenever tourists give gifts to their babies, they can take them out as gifts for their brothers and sisters. Or, they can ask their brothers and sisters to "hand them over" to their brothers and sisters. Don't underestimate this little trick. This is exactly encouraging brothers and sisters to adjust their mentality and change from recipients to givers.

The power of synchronous praise

Inevitably, the appearance of a newborn will attract the whole circle of friends and family, and all the topics and praises are focused on the lovely baby, which makes Dabao feel left out or ignored easily. At this time, parents should not forget to transfer these praises to their brothers and sisters. For example, everyone is praising "Baby Blair is so good! At the same time, mom and dad can respond "Yes! Because he has a super good role model Robbie. "

Make the boss feel important and special.

For children, they are as eager to be understood and "seen" as adults, making them feel special. They like the feeling of being needed, which makes them feel important.

Even if the newborn distracts you, don't forget to pay more attention to Dabao's behavior or special performance. The more specific the compliment, the better, instead of saying "that's very kind of you" in general, such as "wow! I cann't believe you put on your own socks! He is a big brother ~ you can teach Blair to wear clothes and socks yourself in the future. " The purpose is to let him know that his efforts and progress are in his eyes!

At the same time, he can be invited to join this "baby-rearing" team and assign some small tasks within his power. Robbie often helps me with wet tissues, throws dirty diapers, and even hands her a pacifier when her sister cries. Every time he finishes a task, I will praise him as a great big brother, and he will feel very proud and willing to help more.

Enjoy the time * * *

What I want to talk about here is the "enjoyment" of time, not the "distribution" of time. Both children love each other equally, and we always hope to "allocate" the same amount of time to both children, but this is simply impossible.

Newborns don't need to play with them, but they have many physiological needs that must be met at any time. Feed when hungry, change diapers when wet, hug and comfort when crying, and pat before going to bed. It is difficult to accurately cut which child you should "belong to" during this time.

Therefore, it is important to enjoy the company time and share the time to take care of the baby with the boss. For example, every time we breastfeed, it is the time when our mother and son talk or tell stories; When the baby is full and in a good mood, I will put her in a rocking chair and concentrate on playing with my brother while looking after her, instead of holding him all the time.

When the baby is two or three months old and starts to stare at your face and smile, you can encourage your brothers and sisters to join the ranks of "entertaining" the baby. When they see their younger brothers and sisters smiling at them, they not only feel a sense of accomplishment, but also feel that their younger brothers and sisters like themselves very much!

The boss's exclusive parenting moment

After giving birth to my sister, it is undeniable that our family is very busy! Robbie usually has classes at school. When we got home, we were just a family of four sticking together to do everything. One day, my husband just came home from work early and gave it to the nanny. After class, I took Robbie to the park to play all afternoon. In these hours, he is the only child in my heart and eyes. I will never forget the excited expression on his face, which is beyond words.

In the United States, we often use "my own time" or "one-on-one time" to describe it, which means that when a child enjoys his parents alone (no baby), he doesn't have to go out to play, even though that is only the reading time and snack time for parents and children. At this time, he can get our full attention and company, without the baby around, just like "an hour or two"

I strongly suggest that no matter how busy parents are, they should try their best to divide their work, or ask their elders/nannies to take care of your baby for a while and give all their love to the boss for a few hours!

Dad's role

As a mother, of course, you can take good care of two children with superhuman powers. But in the end, it will take more time and energy to take care of the newborn. So at this moment, the role of dad is more important!

As parents, the biggest headache is to face Dabao's rivalry and degradation. Obviously, many things can be taken care of by myself, but because of the birth of the baby, I hope to win the attention of my parents and start to help them take care of everything. When we are exhausted from taking care of the newborn, Dabao's unreasonable behavior at this time is definitely the last straw to crush us.

Father's division of labor is a panacea to alleviate this pressure. Usually in the third trimester, children may gradually feel that their mother is "not so interesting" because they feel tired and have no physical strength to play with themselves, while their father can indulge their children, take them to an outing in the mountains and seas, go to an ice cream shop or pizza shop to eat all the junk food that their mother is not allowed to eat at ordinary times, and even buy toys.

The article I read mentioned a very good English sentence I learned before, "Speak louder than you speak", which means you should stand up instead of sitting. How children feel their parents' "love" is often more convincing than words.

Conflict is inevitable, and unfairness is the real fairness.

Many times, we will worry about the imbalance in the boss's mind and try our best to make everything "fair". We go to bed at the same time, each person has half a snack, and each person always has a gift ... this is not necessarily a good idea. There is an old saying that "there is no absolute fairness in this world". Originally, the differences in age, gender, personality, preferences and talents between the two children naturally made parents cultivate them in different ways.

So there is the idiom "teaching students in accordance with their aptitude". My brother is weak, so my attitude towards him is firm, while my sister is stubborn, so I will keep some flexibility. Take this example and share it with friends around you. Don't put yourself in a dilemma just for the sake of fairness. In the future, the child will ask you with this ruler "because my sister has it, so I want to have it"!

Usually having a newborn at home can easily corrupt the boss, unwilling to eat by himself (hoping someone will feed him), and even wanting to wear diapers or start talking in the baby's voice to win the attention of parents. Instead of scolding or forbidding, it is better to focus on those "exclusive rights of the boss" and make Dabao feel that being a brother and sister is more beneficial than being a small north nose.

This is not about bribing the boss, but talking to him about what he can do when he enjoys some privileges but the baby can't. For example, my brother can eat ice cream, but the baby is too young to eat. My sister can play the slide, but the baby can't play yet.

Besides, a friend once inspired me. Their brother will go to bed at 8 pm, but his brother can go to bed 10 minutes later. Don't underestimate the charm of this 10 minute. He will feel special for his brother! This little "unfairness" planted an idea in the boss's mind, "Just be yourself. You are different from your sister, but your mother loves you just as much! Your children will gradually realize that being a brother/sister is actually much more interesting than being a baby.

Learn to accept the feeling of disappointment.

It is impossible to have a newborn at home and have no influence on another child at all. For the boss of the family, if you don't get the same time and care, there will be a heavy blow and imbalance in your heart. As parents, we don't need to be discouraged or question whether we are not good mothers or not doing well enough.

In fact, instead of doing everything possible to avoid the disappointment of the boss, it is better to help them manage and face this setback. Of course, sometimes the boss will lose patience and become unreasonable. I will try to give him a specific time and tell him, "When I finish feeding/changing diapers, I will put the baby down and concentrate on playing with you for a while."

Recommended reading: Parents are difficult, and the balance between Dabao and Bauer is difficult.

empathy

Sometimes, you may be depressed, just like the boss "doesn't like" the baby. Please understand that your child may have some subtle and complicated emotions about the baby and feel that the baby has taken away his parents. This doesn't mean that he doesn't like it, because he needs time to gradually sort out his emotions and adapt to the changes in life.

Please understand and respect children's feelings of having children. Blaming blindly will only backfire. Encourage your child to express his negative emotions, talk to him more and listen to what she says instead of rushing to refute his ideas. What he needs is listening, not blaming.

With the help of these suggestions, our family has been running smoothly for four months. Robbie loves his sister very much, but I must say that these are just principles and directions. This is not to say that if we follow this practice, the boss will not be confused and sad, and there will be no quarrels and disputes at home. But I believe that as long as we work hard, we will be far happier than quarreling and arguing. These days are not easy. Please be more patient with your boss and yourself:)

Finally, I want to share with you a sentence mentioned in the book, which is also the highest guiding principle for my current education of two children:

I won't love my children in the same way, but I will love them all the same. Although I love my children in different ways, I love them the same.

* * * Come on with everyone!