Invisible violence in BDSM community

Socialization is a strong demand of BDSM.

After being interested in BDSM, many people will join various BDSM communities on the Internet if they want to get in touch with relevant people.

About ten years ago, when I was in school, I always felt that the concept of BDSM community in China was primitive and violent.

For example, when I was in college, I added a QQ group, which wrote about high-end groups in Beijing. Every M who joins the group should take a verification video, but S doesn't. S wants to join the group and needs the approval of the group owner. How to approve? That is, the group owner will chat with you and throw all kinds of questions like a political judge. Only those who agree with his BDSM experience and cognition can join this group.

In the group, if a certain M doesn't show a respectful distance from others when he comes out to chat, he will be accused by many S, and will be dismissed as "I can't even speak, how can it be M"? He also asked to write a review within the specified time, and then take a photo with his hands raised on his knees, otherwise he would be kicked out of the group and so on.

I once confided in a group of girls and asked her if you would like this. She said, isn't sm like this? M is not punished, is S punished?

Isn't that what SM is all about?

At that time, I didn't quite understand what BDSM was, but my intuition made me feel that a group of people used some kind of "power advantage" to violence a person. When a newcomer joins this community, the first thing he comes into contact with is not safety knowledge, nor how to protect himself, but the identity brand of "S is high above, M is unconditional obedience".

This is the first time I have seen the social violence of BDSM.

Since 20 16, there have been some objective and neutral BDSM and popular science introductions in China, and I have been working on this. Since then, it can be clearly felt that some concepts in the BDSM community are improving and changing. Some communities have begun to give members popular science safety knowledge, SSC principles, safety words and so on. There are also some communities that regularly hold exchange classes on various topics.

But it is worth noting that community violence is not far away from us.

Although almost all BDSM communities now hold high the banner of "tolerance and freedom" and have many beautiful and kind slogans to attract and attract new people, in the practice of communities, "community violence" is also appearing in new ways and distorting it. In this article, I will list some cases I have observed in order to make everyone aware of their existence.

Safety word shame

Friends who know BDSM may know that safe words are the last line of defense to protect themselves in BDSM practice. No matter S or M, dom or sub, when any yogi feels that the current behavior is unacceptable to him, he can stop all behaviors by shouting safe words.

Generally speaking, safe words must be set in BDSM practice, which is not influenced by the experience or confidence of practitioners. Anyone who hears the other side's safe words should stop their actions.

A good phenomenon is that at present, most people have recognized the above views, and most communities also think that safe words are a necessity for practice.

But at the same time, in some communities, there is an invisible "safety word shame" spreading.

The so-called "shame of safe words" is to skillfully package "don't use safe words in an exercise" into something more powerful, or take "try not to say safe words" as a better symbol of practice.

I once sneaked into a community in BDSM and witnessed one dom spitting on another dom. His general idea is that the technology of that dom is terrible, and people who practice with him always use safe words, implying that he is not a good dom.

A potential hint is formed, using the safe word = bad technology.

This invisibly forms a political correctness within the community: the m/sub that doesn't shout safe words is a good m/sub, and the S/dom that lets the m/sub use safe words is not a good S/dom.

Therefore, for m/sub, it becomes a shameful thing to shout out safe words, while for S/dom, m/sub's shouting out safe words becomes its own incompetence. Unconsciously, an atmosphere has quietly formed. S/dom is afraid of hearing safe words, and prefers m/sub that doesn't shout safe words. M/sub becomes unwilling to shout safety words, and in the end, it is more willing to hold on to them to show its own or the other party's "Excellence". Safety words gradually become vases and redundant decorations in practice.

(Note: If you don't know what m/sub and S/dom mean, please click here. )

But in fact, on the contrary, bottom, who is good at using safe words, is more experienced and worth learning. Ta can greatly reduce the pressure on top. top only needs to do what he wants, because he knows that if the other person senses the limit, he will remind him to stop with safe words, so he can do it without scruple. On the contrary, if the bottom can't use security, the top will become timid. He needs to evaluate the physical and psychological state of bottom at all times, because he knows that bottom will not give him any feedback, and everything must be controlled by himself.

(Note: If you don't know the meaning of top and bottom, please click here. )

Therefore, a top needs to make bottom feel that "using safe words is not a disappointing thing" or "whether you continue to play after using it or not, you will get care, respect and love."

In fact, the use of safe words does not lie in the ability of an S or M, but in being more pleasant and safer. In the community, not using safe words should not be regarded as a better practice. There is always only one criterion for evaluating the Excellence of practice, that is, "whether the practitioner feels happy from it."

Implicit identity discrimination

Some time ago, I heard a joke, "Why no matter which BDSM community, I only heard of the big S and never heard of the big M?" (Note: Slang "big S" refers to more influential, respected or recognized S)

This is a joke, but it actually reflects some common and hidden identity differences in the BDSM community.

In 2020, in the BDSM community, it is almost impossible to see the scene where "S" directly ordered M in the community, but this does not mean that the role bias of BDSM has disappeared.

Let's calm down and ask ourselves, is it easier for S/dom to gain respect and voice in the community?

In case of argument, is the last question more likely to be attributed to M/sub?

When discussing an idea, does M/sub need to provide more information to be more convincing?

Unfortunately, in my opinion, the answer is yes. There is a hidden identity difference in BDSM community, that is, S/dom is easier to gain advantages than M/sub.

I once witnessed a strange thing in a group. A male dom posted a series of photographs, and soon there were voices such as "applause", "beautiful" and "wow, beautiful" in the group. A few hours later, a man M also posted some photos of himself in the group. Everyone's comments became "I think this angle of view is too low, and it will look better if it is raised a little higher". "What lens did you take? Switch to xxx next time, believe me, and make sure to shoot something at another level. "

The irony of this incident is that the photo works sent by male dom were actually taken by this male M photographer, but because the people who sent them were different, they had a completely different evaluation.

I believe that if 1+ 1=2 is not axiomatic, it will be much more difficult for male M to convince everyone than male dom.

Another time, a famous photographer was discussed in a community. After learning his attributes, someone said, "It turns out that he is an M."

It seems that if he is S or dom, it will be more in line with expectations, but it will only be a pity to know that he is M or sub.

We can all blurt out, "No matter what role or position a person plays in bdsm, ta is first and foremost an ordinary person." But in fact, we failed to do this. Even before we spoke, we didn't realize that we were wearing colored glasses.

In a community, I think it doesn't matter whether there is a "greatest big S" or the highest technical skills. What is important is whether a community can give an unknown subordinate the same respect and vision as the "greatest dom".

The so-called violence refers to the involuntary behavior of one party using some "power advantage" to force the other party to submit. The power advantage in community violence is the right to speak among the old players who entered the community first. After the newcomers came in, due to the asymmetry of information, they naturally felt that this was the right thing to do.

Maybe you will say how this is forced. Obviously, you can quit the group by yourself. In fact, I have observed that many people have not left. Under the pressure of public praise, they will feel that they are wrong and everyone is right. Training without using safe words is even more awesome, and the differences in status and roles are constantly strengthened and branded in daily chat.

The violence of community violence lies in its subtle assimilation of you, without asking your opinion, giving you more opinions and choices. In this case, you will feel that all the differences are your own problems, not to mention quitting, and even want to "learn deeply".

This is like asking a domestic abuser a question, "Can you get divorced after being abused? Why not leave? " Similarly, it seems that you have the freedom to leave, but you don't. Many victims of violence really feel that it is their own problem in the end. What they want is not how to leave, but how to correct themselves so as not to be beaten for a while.

I think of this for the time being, and I am worried that everyone will not want to enter the BDSM community after reading it, but at last I want to tell you that no community will be perfect, and every community has its own problems.

Therefore, I won't advise you not to join any BDSM community, but I don't want to deliberately ignore the problems in the community.

As for us, when we see what we like, we will talk more. When we encounter something we don't agree with, we will remain silent and always know what we want. If we can't change others, then the only thing we can do is to be ourselves.

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