Phoenix man’s wife angrily mentioned divorce: 8 days long vacation, 3 waves of guests received, and 7,000 yuan in return, can this marriage still be completed?

Writer Bondarev said: "The root of all human suffering is the lack of a sense of boundaries."

The so-called sense of boundaries refers to the judgment or importance of boundaries.

Chinese people generally lack a sense of boundaries.

To give a common example, the mother bought a bottle of Coke for her child. The mother asked me to take a sip, so she shared the bottle of Coke with her child.

This is the lack of a sense of boundaries.

The correct approach is to ask your child for permission, find a cup, and pour Coke into the cup; if the child does not want to share it with you, respect his choice. This is the sense of boundaries.

Children educated by parents who lack a sense of boundaries will generally have a blurred sense of boundaries. Especially in the "Phoenix Man" family, the lack of sense of boundaries is particularly obvious.

The original family of the "Phoenix Man" is generally poor and lacks resources. It often takes the efforts of the whole family, or even the entire family, to cultivate him into a talent.

It is difficult for "Phoenix men" who grow up in this environment to build and distinguish boundaries between themselves and others.

People who lack a sense of boundaries have difficulty handling relationships maturely in marriage.

01. My husband is frugal by nature and does not want to go out during the 8-day long vacation

The husband of my friend Yu Wei (pseudonym) is a "Phoenix Man" who lacks a sense of boundaries. In the past few days, During the eight-day vacation, she suffered a lot in a life without boundaries.

In the end, she couldn't bear it anymore and filed for divorce in anger.

Yu Wei is 34 years old and a university lecturer. She has been married to her husband for 8 years and has a 6-year-old daughter. She now lives in a second-tier city.

My husband is a "Phoenix Man" who worked his way up from a remote mountain town. He works in a financial institution and earns a fair income. He is a family of three, each performing his duties and enjoying himself happily.

Before this long vacation, Yu Wei had made a travel plan. She wanted to take advantage of the 8-day long vacation to go out as a family and relax.

However, her husband, who had always been thrifty, quickly rejected her proposal.

My husband thinks that instead of spending money to travel together, it is better to study at home to recharge and improve himself. It happened that Yu Wei's school was about to evaluate professional titles. With her husband's persuasion, she decided to stay at home and read and consult information.

As for the 6-year-old daughter, she was taken by her grandparents and signed up for a tour group to go sightseeing.

02. Guests with no sense of boundaries

Yu Wei originally thought she could spend a quiet holiday at home, but she didn’t expect that on the first morning of the holiday, she would receive a call from her husband’s mobile phone The ringtone wakes me up.

It turned out that my husband’s cousin and his wife were traveling by car with their family and passed through their city. Because the road was too crowded, they suddenly got off the expressway and came over for two days.

When Yu Wei looked at the time, it was only around 6 o'clock in the morning. She couldn't help complaining to her husband, who are these people? How come they have no sense of propriety and don't consider others at all...

Despite complaining, Yu Wei and her husband got up and cleaned up together, preparing to receive guests.

My cousin’s group of 5 people, 3 adults and 2 children, stayed at Yu Wei’s house for two days. Although it was only two days, she was very angry.

The two children, one is 6 years old and the other is 8 years old, are at the naughty ages.

The boy jumped around on the sofa, the coffee table, and the bed. He also turned his daughter's toys out and tossed them everywhere...

The girl took advantage of the adults not paying attention. Taking Yu Wei's hundreds of yuan lipstick and smearing it everywhere, wearing Yu Wei's thousands of yuan high-heeled shoes, walking around on the cork floor of the room...

03. The guest's behavior makes People are upset

Yu Wei felt distressed and angry, but did not dare to show it. In the end, she used her daughter's tablet to calm down the two "naughty children".

It doesn’t matter if a child has no sense of propriety, adults are even more excessive than children.

My husband is deeply influenced by his family of origin and somewhat favors sons over daughters. He has always been brooding over the fact that he only has one daughter. In the past few years, he often had troubles with Yu Wei.

Yu Wei was unwilling to have a second child and was very determined. Only in the past two years did her husband gradually give up and no longer talk about having a second child. But as soon as my cousin sat down, she encouraged her husband to have a second child.

They even suspected that Yu Wei was in poor health and kept recommending some folk remedies.

Yu Wei was embarrassed and kept changing the topic, but the other party couldn't understand the situation and kept talking. Yu Wei saw that her husband was about to make a move and knew that the second child would cause trouble again in the future.

Everything that happened next made Yu Wei worried. They smoked in the room, made loud noises, kept swearing, and drank without restraint. They insisted on dragging their husbands to drink to the fullest...

Especially Yu Wei arranged for them to stay in a hotel, but they were worried about Yu Wei spending money , I don’t want to go no matter what. Then, the five of them occupied the guest room and study room at home.

Yu Wei originally wanted to wait until she was finished and go to the study to check information on the Internet, but now she could only vent her resentment to her husband.

The next day, her husband accompanied them to visit nearby attractions. Yu Wei was cleaning up at home. Her husband treated her badly because she did not accompany the guests.

04. 8-day long vacation, receiving 3 waves of guests

My cousin’s family stayed for two nights and then went back on the road. Yu Wei breathed a sigh of relief and was just about to wash and dry the sheets and bedding in the guest room. , my mother-in-law called.

My husband’s uncle and cousin’s family are coming to visit us for two days.

Yu Wei was about to collapse. She asked her husband to book a room and arrange accommodation first. However, her husband said that it would not be too late to make a reservation after the guests arrived. He also said that during the festival, accommodation outside is very expensive. Why go out when you have a room at home? live?

That afternoon, my uncle’s family came and stayed for a few more days, and the scenes of the previous two days were repeated.

After finally waiting for this wave of guests to leave, there are only two days left in the holiday. However, before Yu Wei had time to breathe, her husband, eldest sister and her family were coming again.

Because my husband did not go back to celebrate the Spring Festival, my eldest sister deliberately ended the trip early and brought the whole family over to reminisce about old times.

In this way, after an 8-day long vacation, she received three waves of guests. Yu Wei, who originally wanted to take advantage of the vacation to study and recharge, did not read any books and was exhausted mentally and physically.

05. It took a lot of time and effort, but I also gave him 7,000 yuan as a meeting gift

Moreover, my husband, who wanted to save money, gave him 7,000 yuan as a meeting gift for the child.

Because there is a custom in my husband's hometown that the host will give red envelopes as a greeting gift to the children who come to the house for the first time. There were 7 children here, and my husband gave 1,000 to each child, totaling 7,000.

This does not include other expenses.

If time is spent, money is spent, and the guests are satisfied, then it is worth it.

However, on the first night after the long vacation, my mother-in-law called and said that my relatives finally went over to play. My daughter-in-law, you just don’t want to accompany the guests, and you still keep a straight face all day long?

My mother-in-law scolded Yu Wei. If it weren’t for the help of those relatives in the past, how could your husband have achieved what he has today?

Yu Wei was so angry that she quarreled with her mother-in-law and hung up the phone. The more I thought about it, the more angry I became. My husband happened to come back, and the couple started to quarrel even if they disagreed.

Yu Wei said that everyone in her husband’s family has no sense of boundaries, no sense of propriety, and no regard for other people’s feelings...

She also accused her husband of having the same blurry sense of boundaries. , not knowing how to refuse is what caused all this.

06. The relationship between husband and wife was damaged, so I angrily filed for divorce

My husband failed to control his emotions and became aggressive in his words. Yu Wei filed for divorce in anger.

Psychologist Hellinger said: "A good family must have a sense of boundaries."

It is difficult for people who lack a sense of boundaries to handle the relationship between their original family and the nuclear family. , and at the same time, it will put your husband and wife relationship in a storm.

So, how to manage your relationship as husband and wife?

Hellinger wrote in his masterpiece "Who's in My Family: The Hellinger Family System Arrangement":

"For a relationship to be successful, both partners must leave them." It’s not just about leaving their parents’ home, it’s about letting go of certain values ??within their respective families, and at the same time finding the best and new values ??for them with their new partner.

At this new level, partners can have a good relationship. ”

May you also be able to clarify your own boundaries and keep your own; recognize each other’s boundaries and respect each other’s. boundary.