Jokes suitable for tour guides. Be funny. No cold jokes.

A large luxury BUS was driving on the highway. The bus was full of passengers, and the tour guide was shouting to everyone. T

Tour guide: Dear passengers, please pay attention. I will tell you about safety issues and our terminal station. C_G"

Everyone: If you have anything to say, please tell me. 6a@0.r

Tour guide: The car you are riding in has been scrapped for ten years. l

< p>Everyone: Ah---------------}-N *

Tour guide: This car has no braking system, no alarm system, and no --- ----7!

Everyone: Yeah---------------~lM:P0

Tour guide: Don’t panic, fortunately Our driver has superb driving skills. He has a record of 26,859 crashes;#\@*?

Everyone: Wow---------------. M

Tour guide: We are passing through a dark tunnel, so please protect your own safety, especially your head. FUj6A

Everyone: (They were all scared. I want to arrive at the station quickly.) When will we arrive at the terminal? l CvF

Tour guide: Our car’s speed is 200 kilometers per hour, so we will arrive at the station soon;

p>

Everyone: (relieved) Where is the next stop? v$X F

Tour guide: 8Om<

4 Chinese tourists in Japan. During the sightseeing trip, it was time for lunch, and they walked into a sushi restaurant. These four tourists didn't understand Japanese, and they were gesticulating and speaking in various spoken languages. After ordering enough food and drinks, they finally filled their stomachs. Unexpectedly, they were ready to pay. There was a big accident:

A said: "Say in English that you can pay the bill! Hi, Bill please! The boss was a lady and she bowed hurriedly: "Hai, Bear." "Send 4 bottles of beer.

B said: "Let me tell you, How much (how much)? The female boss's face turned redder and brighter: "Hai, ha-ma-chi (red shrimp)!" "Four servings of red shrimp were served one after another.

C stood up quickly: "Listen to me, Japanese says the checkout should be I-ku-ra, yes, I-ku-ra!" Boss Le Dian I shouted to the back hall, "I-ku-ra (salmon eggs)!" "Four more portions of salmon eggs were delivered immediately.

D finally couldn't help it anymore: "Fuck! "Three-eight!" The female boss bowed repeatedly: "Youxi, Sam-ma (Saury)!" "

After the four tourists saw the saury that was served, they all took a breath and slumped in their chairs. Finally, the bill came, and the price was as expected. C said in dialect : "Bargain!"

After the female boss looked at them in surprise, she could no longer hide her happiness: "Hai, Sha-ke (salmon)!" Just 4 portions of salmon. Here we go again. It is said that these four tourists are still ordering food in Japan and will never come back...

Chen Atu is a farmer in Taiwan and has never traveled far in his life. Finally, I joined a tour group and went abroad.

Everything abroad was very new. The key was that Chen Atu was in a luxury group and stayed in a standard room. < /p>

In the morning, the waiter knocked on the door and delivered breakfast and said loudly: "GOODMORNING SIR! "

Chen Atu was stunned. What does this mean? In his hometown, strangers usually ask when they meet: "What's your surname?" "

So Chen Atu shouted loudly: "My name is Chen Atu! "

Like this, for three days in a row, the waiter knocked on the door and said loudly every day: "GOODMORNING SIR! "And Chen Atu also replied loudly: "My name is Chen Atu! "

But he was very angry. This waiter was too stupid. He asked him what his name was every day and couldn't remember it when he told him. It was very annoying. Finally he couldn't help but ask the tour guide, "GOODMORNING SIR! "What does it mean?" The tour guide told him, Oh my god!! It's so embarrassing.

Chen Atu repeatedly practiced "GOODMORNING SIR!" "" in order to deal with the waiter decently.

Another morning, the waiter knocked on the door as usual. As soon as the door opened, Chen Atu shouted: "GOODMORNING SIR!" "

At the same time, the waiter called: "I am Chen Atu! ”

The Chinese, Koreans, and Japanese traveled to the desert together. They were out of water and very thirsty.

While walking, they met Aladdin’s magic lamp.< /p>

Each person can make three wishes. The Japanese say: "Give me a sum of money; give me a sum of money; send me home." The Korean said: "Give me a woman; give me a woman; send me home." "

The Koreans and Japanese went home. But the Chinese said: "Give me a bottle of Erguotou; give me a bottle of Erguotou; call them back."

"With that said, the Koreans and Japanese were called back by the Chinese.

The most beautiful scenery

A certain person liked mountain climbing very much. Once, he went to Switzerland for vacation and invited a local We were climbing a high mountain together as a guide. When they passed a dangerous place, the guide said to him: "Be careful, sir, it's very dangerous here, it's easy to fall." However, if you fall, don't forget to look to the right to see where the most beautiful scenery is. ”

I am definitely not making fun of the network administrator!

An old man drove a donkey into the city. At the intersection, the donkey ran a red light and was fined 5 yuan. The old man whipped the donkey and said: "You think you are a traffic policeman" Ah, you just ran through the red light? The donkey knocked over the fruit stand, and the old man whipped the donkey angrily and said: Do you think you are a municipal industrial and commercial tax official, so you just go ahead and stop on the public green space? , the donkey gnawed on the grass, and was fined 50. The old man whipped the donkey dejectedly and said: You think you are a state cadre, where can you eat?

Immediately drove the donkey back to the village, where the neighbor placed a fish net on the tree, and the donkey looked proud. The old man kicked the old man with tears in his eyes and said, "Do you think you are China Telecom? You can access this broken network for free?" The donkey kicked the old man in anger. Kick whoever?

The wonderful use of chewing gum returns

After the plane took off, a stewardess handed out chewing gum to the passengers, "You are too polite, what is this chewing gum for?" asked a gentleman who was flying for the first time. "To keep your ears from ringing." After the plane landed, the gentleman said to the stewardess: "This chewing gum is really good!" Now can you help me take him out of my ear? ”

Catch up with the world’s advanced level and return

“Last year, the Germans used 170 million condoms, the British used 160 million, and the French only used 100 million. We can catch up, but we have to do it faster”

——French Health Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy said when announcing that the French government will reduce the price of condoms to ensure sexual safety

Wait a minute and return

A man asked God: "Great God, in your eyes, what does a thousand years mean?

God replied: "It only means one minute." "

"Almighty God, in your eyes, what does ten thousand gold coins mean? ”

“It just means a small amount of money.” ”

“Merciful God, please give me a small coin! ”

“Okay, poor man, please wait for a minute!” ”

Traffic Radio Return

Latest news: “A pig was spotted in the driveway on Highway 1!

An hour later: "There are no more pigs on Highway 1." "

The KGB returned

In the Kremlin, Brezhnev picked up the phone to the Egyptian Presidential Palace: "I am Brezhnev, I

< p>Going to speak to President Sadat’s widow! "

" Widow? Is President Sadat still alive? "A surprised voice came from the other end of the phone.

The old man put down the phone and shouted at the KGB leader next to him: "Asshole! Why was the originally scheduled action time

postponed? "

Answer Return

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain what happened to the flies in my soup?

The waiter bent down and looked at it carefully and replied: "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming." "

Threat to return

The postman was very unhappy because he had to row a boat to deliver a birthday card to the lighthouse keeper.

"If you do it again "Mutter," said the lighthouse keeper, "I'm going to subscribe to the daily newspaper."

The cat returns

Mrs. Carter's kitten was running around outside, and for a while, on the roof, After a while, the disturbed neighbor knocked on Carter's door: "Why is your cat running so crazy? "

"That's right," Mrs. Carter explained: "I asked the veterinarian to just perform an operation on him, and he is currently busy canceling the originally arranged marriage. ”

Return according to circumstances

Once a hotel was recruiting waiters, and many people came to apply. The boss wanted to test them:

One day when you walk into the guests I found a female guest bathing naked in my room. What should you do?

Everyone rushed to answer, and some said, "I'm sorry, miss, I didn't mean it."

Some said, "Miss, I didn't see anything." "The boss kept shaking his head after hearing this.

At this time, a young man stepped forward and said: "I'm sorry, sir! "As a result, he was hired.

Telegram returned

Soldier: "Commander, I just received a telegram from the leader."

Commander: " OK! It must be an emergency instruction. Read it to everyone."

Soldier: "Because of your stupidity and incompetence, this battle was completely defeated. You are simply a pig!"

Commander: "This is a coded telegram, please decipher it quickly.

”

Female secretary returns

Female secretary: “Manager, your wife is on the phone. She said she wants to kiss you goodbye on the phone.”

Manager: "I'm very busy right now. Didn't I tell you that no matter what happens, you will take the lead and then transfer it to me when I am free?"

The salesman returns

A salesman was taken to the police station for questioning on suspicion of crime. Half an hour later, three police officers walked out of the interrogation room.

Director: "How's it going? What did you ask?"

Police officer: "No, we can't ask anything, but he has already sold us three pumps. There are oil dryers, two refrigerators and four hair dryers."

Return to the first meeting

A young lady came out of the bathtub and was about to get a towel.

Suddenly she realized that a window cleaner at work had seen her.

She was so frightened that she was paralyzed and stared at the man blankly.

"What's wrong with you, madam?" the man asked:

"Have you never seen a window washer?"

Two men and A beautiful woman returns

Two men and a beautiful woman swim to a desert island after a shipwreck. What will happen between them?

If the two men were Italians, they would fight, and the winner would possess the beautiful woman;

If the two men were French, they would live in harmony. Nothing, then share the beauty;

If the two men are British, they will try to murder the beauty, and then they will get together;

If that The two men were Singaporeans. They did nothing but waited for Mr. Li's instructions.

Debt Return

A farmer in a neighboring village borrowed money from the Gabrovo people. The Gabrovians agreed to lend it to him, but they wanted 9 cents

interest. "

"You are simply plundering," the farmer said angrily. "Let God punish you. ”

“When God sees it from the sky, the 9 is the same as the 6. "

Confidential Return

John: "I want to ask you something, can you keep it secret for me? ”

David: “Of course. "

John: 'I'm a little tight lately, can you lend me some money?"

David: "Don't worry, I just pretend I didn't hear you."

p>

Borrowing money from a Jew and returning

Ivan wanted to drink, so he borrowed a silver coin from a Jew in the village. They both negotiated terms: Ivan would pay off his debt next spring and double the amount, during which time he would use his ax as collateral. Just as Ivan was about to leave, the Jew stopped him: "Ivan, wait a minute, I remembered something. It will be difficult for you to collect two silver coins by next spring. Wouldn't it be better for you to pay half of it now?" "These words made Ivan enlightened. He returned the silver coin. He thought about it for a while while walking on the road, and then said to himself: "Strange thing, the silver coin is gone, the ax is gone, and I still owe one silver coin - —The Jew is quite reasonable."

The debtor's reply

"Dear Sir: I am very sorry for your letter urging you to repay the debt, but I have no choice but to do so. Let me inform you: I cannot pay off my debt because I, my money, and my property are all suspected to be infected with infectious bacteria. For this reason, I was isolated from the outside world during my one-year stay in a mental hospital. After you have read this letter, please burn it immediately and wash your hands with disinfectant for your own safety.

”