Who has some funny jokes?

The doctor said to the patient, "You should walk more."

"I am the national champion of 10 km long-distance running."

"Really, listen to me, you will become a world champion."

* A good way to lose weight

Rich people who eat and drink will never work. He spends money on eating and drinking, so he is getting fatter and fatter.

It's not even convenient to walk. He had to see a doctor with great anxiety. "

The doctor examined him carefully and finally told him what to do: "Only every day."

Spend sixpence and earn it yourself. "

* Rare quality

Mrs Harper: "Doctor, my husband's condition worries me. His intelligence is a bit strange. "

Trouble. Sometimes, I talk to him for hours and suddenly find that he doesn't listen at all.

Let's go "

Doctor: "madam, this is not a problem." Your husband is so lucky. He has the rarest quality of a man. "

One. "

* Professional habits

The doctor rushed to the hanger and shouted, "Pass me the tool kit quickly."

"What's the matter, Dad?" The daughter asked in panic.

"A young man called just now and said that without me, he would be dead."

The daughter breathed a sigh of relief: "Don't be busy, I think this call is for me."

* Shooting target

There is a lady whose husband is ill. She can't use a thermometer, but she measured her husband anyway.

Wen, and called the doctor: "doctor, please come here, my husband's temperature has reached 63 degrees."

The doctor said, "dear madam, there is nothing I can do." Send him to the fire brigade. "

* "Memory loss"

A middle-aged woman went to see a doctor. To show her youth, the doctor asked her age.

At that time, she said, "I'm in my twenties."

So, the doctor wrote on the medical record card: "amnesia."

* Extend life.

A man was told that he had only six months to live. He is very anxious. "Doctor." He asked, "I

Is there anything that needs to be done? "

"Yes," the doctor replied, "first of all, give all your property to the poor; Second, move to again

Living in a cold and humid cabin in the forest; And marry a woman who raised nine children. "

"Can this prolong my life?"

"No, but it can make these six months the longest in your life."

* A kleptomaniac

A psychiatrist received a crazy phone call in the middle of the night. It was one of his thieves.

The patient cried, "Doctor, you must help me." He pleaded, "I must steal."

It's the same old habit again "

"Oh, for God's sake." The psychologist replied, "Steal two ashtrays and get there early."

Call me in the morning. "

* Veterinary guarantee

A man keeps a dog and barks at night, which keeps him awake. He thinks there is something wrong with the dog.

He took it to the vet. The vet looked at him and said, "His ears hurt. Please let him take this medicine. "

All right. "Say, handed him a piece of medicine.

The man gave the dog medicine, but the dog barked at night. He went to see the vet again.

"I'll give you three more tablets." Veterinarian, "You give the dog one piece and eat the other two pieces yourself."

Put it down. I bet you and one of the dogs will fall asleep. "

* past events of famous doctors

There is a doctor who is taciturn. When other doctors see a doctor, they always ask the patient left and right before leaving.

Diagnosis, but he didn't let the patient talk, and he didn't talk himself, so he started treatment.

The neighbor said to his wife, "Your husband is really a famous doctor. How glorious your face is. "

The lady said, "I don't know if he is a famous doctor, but he has been a veterinarian for a long time."

* Same result

Patient: "Doctor, do you really think I have hepatitis?" Sometimes, doctors treat hepatitis,

The patient died of other diseases. "

Doctor: "When I was treating hepatitis, the patient died of hepatitis."

* Unfortunate patients

A dentist pulled out a tooth for the first time. He is very nervous. He just had his tooth pulled out.

When I came down, my hands were shaking and my teeth fell into the patient's throat.

"I'm very sorry." The doctor said, "Your illness is no longer within my responsibility. You should find a throat doctor. "

Go live. "

After examination, the laryngologist said, "The tooth fell into the stomach. You find a stomach expert. "

The gastroenterologist gave the patient a dimming check and said, "The tooth fell into the intestine. You need to find the intestine."

Professor ke. "

Finally, the patient appeared upside down in the anorectal department. The doctor looked at it with an endoscope and cried in surprise.

"God, why do you have a tooth in your ass?" He said. Go to the dentist quickly. "

* Coins

Carlson said, "I really don't understand what is going on in this hospital. After I was admitted to the hospital, the doctor

Said I was appendicitis, and another doctor said it was gallstones. "

"What was the result?"

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2 jokes are selected and refined

"They argued endlessly, to outdo each other, and finally decided by guessing the pros and cons of coins.

As a result, my tonsils were cut off "

:: Hard times

A woman is giving birth in the hospital. She was angry when the pain became more and more serious.

Panting, he asked the nurse, "Have you passed the most difficult time?" "

The nurse replied, "It's still relatively easy now, and the hard times will continue for 18 years."

* Not in the same industry.

The nurse finished injecting the patient and asked, "What do you do?"

The patient replied,' Just like you. "

The nurse was surprised: "Oh, so we are colleagues."

"no!" The patient quickly explained, "We are in the same trade, but not in the same line."

"Why?" The nurse is confused.

"I nail shoes."

* Police and fans

A fan couldn't get a ticket, so he had to climb to the telephone pole outside the stadium to watch the football match.

I watched it for a while and saw a policeman coming this way. He was about to come down when the policeman gave him a hand and asked:

"Did you score?"

"One to zero, we are in the lead. The fans answered.

"Well, you can see there. Be careful not to fall. " The policeman walked away happily.

At the end of the game, the policeman came up and asked, "What's the score?"

"One to two, the visiting team won ..."

Before the fans finished, the police opened their eyes wide and shouted, "Do you still have a mind to watch? Don't worry.

Come down quickly. "

Seeing this, the fans hurried down. Just halfway up, I heard cheers, thunder and gongs and drums coming and going in the stadium.

The policeman quickly said, "Come on, go up and see who scored again?"

* Punish football fans.

Rolando Bausch, a 27-year-old city football fan, is watching the city's football team and another football match.

When the team was playing, they rushed to the stadium, injured the nose of a member of the visiting team, and escorted them out of the stadium on the spot, and

Be tried by the court.

In the dock, Bowie said, "I didn't see clearly whether I hit the ball or the head."

At that time, I almost became red-eyed when I saw that the team in this city seemed to lose.

Bull ... "

The city court sentenced Bao not to watch the football match for life. Since then, the Bao family has had one more child every month.

Only the broken TV set.

* "That's why I was scolded"

When watching a football match, the wife asked her husband:

"Why does this audience scold the people next to him?"

"He threw soda bottles at the referee."

"Didn't you miss him?"

"This is the reason why he was scolded ..."

* Don't throw bottles

Before the football match, the person in charge of maintaining public order in the stadium said to the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, please."

Don't throw bottles at the referee, because all bottles can be returned. "

:: Football fields and cemeteries

A Brazilian farmer bought a piece of land near a city and immediately got on a tractor.

Go to farm, plow the bowl and dig out a front tooth from the ground.

"Bad luck." He murmured a word and went on plowing.

100 meters later, he dug out another tooth.

"It's really puzzling," the farmer said to himself. He still plowed forward, and after about 30 steps, he plowed.

The head dug another tooth out of the soil.

"There must be something wrong with this." He cried and turned the tractor around and drove home.

That night, he wrote a letter to the original owner of this land: "Is the land I bought before a grave?

Land? I beg you to give me my money back. I don't like haunted places "

Two days later, a telegram came: "Don't be angry, this used to be a football field."

* make things difficult

"I have watched many football games and I know football like the back of my hand."

"Are you? Then tell me, how many holes are there in the football net? "

* Don't arrange a funeral on that day

Roberta Devebaugh's husband is a football coach. He has been married for more than 30 years.

As soon as our football team has a game, we can't think about anything and concentrate on his game. One day, Devo

Fu Bao's husband was in a particularly bad mood, but he still wanted to take part in the competition and didn't comfort his wife Devo.

Fu Bao was angry from the bottom of his heart: "Frank, you should attend my funeral for a ball game."

In addition "

The husband said to his wife very calmly, "Roberta, don't worry." I'll never have a ball again.

Arrange your funeral on the day of the game. "

* Encourage players.

In the first half of the football match, the team lost badly and most of the audience left. Second half ratio

The game is about to start. The coach encouraged the players to say, "Come on, guys, the next game is very important to us."

Good, because shh, our audience has already left. "

* The competition should be arranged on the fasting day.

In a football match between Catholic College and Harbin, the old star Maxwell served as Harvard.

The coach of the college team.

During the competition, there was an argument between the two sides, and a striker of the God Hospital team bit Harvard University.

A player's finger.

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3 jokes are selected and refined

"Ming-Ming-next year; We are scheduled to play on Friday. " Stuttering Maxwell. be

The injured player said, "Because they didn't-didn't-didn't eat meat that day."

* See if you dare to keep your goal.

A coach of Gabrovo football team pointed to the goal area and said to the goalkeeper, "Did you see this?"

Did you get the net? The price is not cheap, if the ball is damaged. You have to deduct it from your salary.

Pay for it. "

* Send the bill to God

Milo said to the nurse in the hospital, "I am a poor man. Please put me in a third-class ward."

Really? "

"Nobody helped you?" The nurse asked.

"No, I only have one sister. She is a nun and very poor. "

The nurse said angrily, "The nun is not poor because she married God."

Milo: "OK, please put me in first class." Please hold on when I leave the hospital.

Just send the hospital bill to my brother-in-law "

* Doctor's question

"I'm sorry, Mr. Bull." A doctor asked his colleague, "Why do you treat a patient?"

Ask him what he often drinks in detail, and you can judge the patient's health according to the brand of the wine.

How's your health? "

"No, of course not. But according to the brand of wine, we can judge the patient's financial situation, and then according to

Determine the outpatient fee. "

* Dentist

Gordon always smiles in the boxing match.

The person next to him said, "Are you a boxer, too?"

Gordon replied, "No, I'm a dentist."

* "Count to eight at a time ..."

A burly man went to the hospital and asked the doctor how to treat insomnia.

"It's very simple," said the doctor. "You just have a slight neurasthenia. When you lie in bed at night

In class, you can easily fall asleep as long as you recite the numbers from 1 to 10 and the number of cycles. Note: You are strong.

Hold on. "

A week later, Dahan came to the hospital again. He looks more tired than when he came last time.

The doctor was surprised and asked him how he got such a field.

The patient said, "I always count from 1 to 10 as soon as I go to bed every night, but I always do."

On the count of eight, I jumped. "

"Why?"

"I am a boxing coach by profession." The patient replied.

:: Nobel Peace Prize

In the second round, the boxing coach asked his athletes, "What is this?"? Do you really want gold?

Do you still want to win the Nobel Peace Prize? "

* Weight

The doctor asked the patient, "How much do you weigh?" "

"68 kilograms."

"When was your heaviest time?"

"85 kilograms."

"What about the least time?"

"3.20 kilograms."

:: Practice

At the clinic.

"It seems that your cough today is much better than yesterday."

"Yes, doctor. You know, I practiced all night. "

* the fence on the x-ray.

An old man bought a scooter with a low seat and safety. But he only dares to ride to 20 an hour at most.

Kilometers, because once he tried a real motorcycle, moved together, rushed into someone else's fence and ran into it.

He broke several ribs and was taken to the hospital. When the doctor showed him a chest X-ray, the old man was old.

Shouted:

"Yes, yes, you can see clearly on the fence. Why can't I see a motorcycle? "

* Build a house

Mr. Miller went to see a doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Your health is very bad."

You have water in your legs, stones in your kidneys, and lime in your arteries ... "

"Now all you have to do is say that there is sand in my head, and I will start building the house tomorrow."

:: Different positions

Patient: "I'm sorry to tell you that my wife thinks you charged me too much for the operation."

Surgeon: "However, dear, I believe that your evaluation of your life will not be like yours."

The lady is too low. "* Weight

The doctor asked the patient, "How much do you weigh?" "

"68 kilograms."

"When was your heaviest time?"

"85 kilograms."

"What about the least time?"

"3.20 kilograms."

:: Practice

At the clinic.

"It seems that your cough today is much better than yesterday."

"Yes, doctor. You know, I practiced all night. "

* the fence on the x-ray.

An old man bought a scooter with a low seat and safety. But he only dares to ride to 20 an hour at most.

Kilometers, because once he tried a real motorcycle, moved together, rushed into someone else's fence and ran into it.

He broke several ribs and was taken to the hospital. When the doctor showed him a chest X-ray, the old man was old.

Shouted:

"Yes, yes, you can see clearly on the fence. Why can't I see a motorcycle? "

* Build a house

Mr. Miller went to see a doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Your health is very bad."

You have water in your legs, stones in your kidneys, and lime in your arteries ... "

"Now all you have to do is say that there is sand in my head, and I will start building the house tomorrow."

:: Different positions

Patient: "I'm sorry to tell you that my wife thinks you charged me too much for the operation."

Surgeon: "However, dear, I believe that your evaluation of your life will not be like yours."

The lady is too low. "

* Absence from work

A clerk has not come to work for two days. On the third day, the boss complained, "You!"

What did you do these two days? "

The clerk replied, "I accidentally fell into the street from the third floor window."

The boss asked angrily, "Does it take two days to fall from the third floor?"

* More than a fixed amount.

"Yes, let me have a headache, the supplier's wife gave birth to three sons, what a suck, this time.

Let him taste what it's like to get more goods at one time than to order for himself. "

* Only eat pork today.

In the restaurant, a famous traveler said to the boss, "Do you know? I used to be a cannibal

The savage tribe lived for five years. "

"Oh, my God!" The boss cried. "You come to us, must let you down. here

There is only pork today. "

* should not be ignored.

A salesman knocked wearily at the restaurant on the corner and asked for a glass of wine. He just took a sip.

Suddenly stunned: "Why, isn't this a cup of boiled water?"

"Oh," said the shopkeeper, "Oh, no, I forgot to mix the wine."

:: Mortgage loans

Customer:' Sorry, I can't pay for this meal because I forgot to bring money. "

Restaurant owner: "Never mind, please write your name on the wall and pay it next time you come."

Customer: "this won't work, others will see my name."

Restaurant owner: "Take off your coat and hang it on the wall, so it can cover it?"

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4 Reply: Jokes are selected and refined

* Teach fleas to read.

There is a sign hanging in the lobby of the hotel: "Please keep quiet at night and don't disturb the guests."

It was not long before. Someone added a sentence under the sign: "Ask fleas to read and write."

* skeleton

The guide showed a group of tourists around the old castle. They found several skeletons in the deep hole.

Lou.

"These skeletons is how to return a responsibility? What were they before they died? " The tourist asked.

The tour guide said, "I think they must be tourists who are reluctant to pay for a tour guide."

* clearance

The tourist told people about his trip to Mexico. He said, "At that time, there were so many Indians.

Surrounding me, it's terrible. I have Indians on my left, Indians on my right and Indians in front.

Indians, followed by Indians. "

"What would you do? How can we get rid of it? "

"I had to buy the leather mattress they sold me."

* That's the elevator

A person wants to taste the taste of staying in a big hotel. He saved enough money, went into the hotel and went through the formalities.

The waiter pointed out the route and went in cheerfully.

But after a while, he turned back and became angry: "I don't live. What house is that?" Let me pay.

I don't want to live in a room with such a big cupboard and only a folding chair. "

The waiter smiled and said, "Sir, you are mistaken. That's the elevator. "

* Adopted unanimously.

In a small town in Pennsylvania, USA, a fire broke out in winter, which was out of control because it disappeared.

After the bollards were frozen, the city Council met to discuss how to prevent the same unfortunate thing from happening again in the future.

Pieces.

After hours of heated debate, a member of parliament jumped up and said loudly, "I move,

In the future, the pillar of fire should be thoroughly inspected 3 days before each fire. "

Someone seconded it immediately and passed it unanimously.

* at a critical juncture

A playboy went to the barber shop for a haircut, and the girl who manicured his nails was very beautiful.

That night, he invited her to dinner and a movie. "I don't think I should accept your invitation," said the girl.

A book just says, "I'm married."

"Tell your husband," suggested Playboy. "I'm sure he won't.

Mind. "

"Ask him yourself." The girl said, "He is shaving you."

* tit for tat

John likes to have long hair. Some of his friends think it looks like a girl's hair, but they

Never joke about this, because John is a big energetic man, he thinks.

It's not funny to make fun of hair.

John goes to the barber's twice a month for a haircut and shampoo. One day the barber said to him, "You!"

Why don't you let me cut off more than half my hair and make it tidy? If I cut it for you,

No one will recognize you, I am sure. "

John said, "You may be right-but I'm sure if you do that to my hair."

No one will recognize you after cutting it. "

* Endless tips

Passengers who have stayed in the hotel for a week must give the doorman, restaurant waiter,

Miss cloakroom, so I hate this endless tipping system.

Someone knocked at the door. He asked, "Who is it?"

"Sir, I sent a telegram."

"Tuck the telegram under the door." He won't tip any more.

The outsider hesitated for a moment and said,' Sir, I can't do it. "

"What can I do?"

The persistent waiter said, "sir, because the telegram is on the plate."

* Strange orders

One day, when a traveler was riding a horse, it began to rain. The whole body became wet and cold, and then

Finally, he came to a small inn in the county. The inn was so crowded that he couldn't get near the fire.

Then he called out the innkeeper and said, "Bring some fish to feed my horse."

The boss said, "Horses don't eat fish."

The traveler went on to say, "Never mind, do as I say."

The crowd in the inn heard this strange order and ran to see the fish-eating horse, so that the whole room.

The traveler was left alone. He sat by the fire to keep warm.

When the innkeeper and his party came back, the boss said, "Your horse doesn't eat fish."

The traveler replied, "Never mind, put the fish on the table until I dry my clothes." . myself

Come and eat. "

* Thief

After the military dictatorship in country F, thieves were everywhere and society became one.

It's a mess. One day, the supreme ruler went to the vault under the guard of the guards.

It's quite strange to see a disabled soldiers standing at the door: "Why,

Is it possible to hand over the vault to such a person? "

"Please rest assured, heavily guarded here, never lose anything.

Yes "The guard replied.

"Then why let this loser stand here?"

"As long as he stands here, he can't steal anywhere else!"

* Rename

After Hitler came to power, a citizen went to the household registration office of the police station to ask for it

Change the name. The policeman said, "Sir, under normal circumstances, I

Children are not allowed to change their names. Maybe you have something special.

Why? Can you tell me your name? "

"Adolf stinks."

"Yes, the problem is clear. If the name is to be changed, then,

Guess what name you want to change? "

"Motz stinks."

* Never accept gifts.

The contractor for business reasons, ready to use the new,

The limousine paid a bribe to a member of parliament. The congressman was expressionless.

Said, "Sir, the usual code of conduct and my own basic honor."

Fame doesn't allow me to accept such a gift! "

The contractor said, "Sir, I understand your position very well.

You know what? I'll 10 sell you this car. "

After thinking for a while, the member replied flatly, "In that case, I"

Just buy two. "

* Divorce

A soldier decided to leave the army and told his officer what he thought.

The officer asked him, "Are you married?"

The private said, "Not yet, sir, but engaged."

"In my opinion, you don't need to get married," the chief wanted to change to a private.

The soldier's idea, "the army is your wife, she gives you clothes to wear and gives you use."

Provide food and housing, and keep your body so good, forever.

Stay with you. What more can you ask for? "

"Want a divorce, sir!"

* Sit in the wrong place

The woman sat on a park bench, looked around and put her legs.

Stretch out in the chair and relax. After a while, a tramp came up to her.

She said, "Beauty, how about taking a walk together?"

"How dare you," said the woman. "I'm not that kind of person.

Four women! "

"So," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"

:: Freedom of lawyers

"You are a liar!" The defense lawyer shouted at the other side.

"You are lying!" The opposing lawyer accused.

The judge gave Xiao Mu a rude knock and said coldly, "Now show the identity of the lawyers of both sides, below."

Keep working the case! "

* Please laugh.

An American lieutenant general visited a foreign military camp. Finally, he spoke in front of the team. on one's pins

He spent 10 minutes telling a joke that he thought was funny.

It is the translator's turn to translate. He only used three sentences. All the people present burst into laughter.

The general was flattered. Afterwards, I asked the translator, "Why did you tell such a long joke?"

A few words will make you clear. "

"Well, general," replied the translator politely, "I don't think your jokes are that good.

People can easily understand its beauty, so I just said to them,' The general just told a story.

Funny jokes, please laugh heartily to show friendliness! "

* Applause

An Englishman went to Paris to give an academic report. When he finished his speech, the applause thundered below.

Sparse, which made him very angry.

Soon, a Frenchman stepped onto the rostrum. The Englishman thought, "This time, I want you."

Know what manners are! "So, every time the French speak, they put all their eggs in one basket.

Clap your hands.

Later, a Frenchman sitting next to him couldn't help saying to him, "Sir, I"

If you were me, you would never clap like this. You know, people on the stage are translating you in French.

What about that speech report just now! "

:: Coup d 'etat

Judge: "I don't believe that such a decent and steady person can."

Beat a petite and fragile woman like your wife. "

John: "but she scolded me and tortured me, which made me completely impatient."

Judge: "What did she say?"

John: "She shouted,' Come on, hit me, I'm not afraid. Come on, come on, touch me.

After a while, I'll take you to that bald old fool-the judge. "

Judge: "The case is dismissed."

* "Give you five years"

The judge said to the defendant, "How can you prove your innocence?"

"Sure, let me think."

"Well, five years, that's enough!"

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6 Reply: Jokes are selected and refined

* After dialing the wrong number

"Hello, is this Raymond Bar?"

"No, I am a private house."

"But what I want is Raymond's bar."

"Then how did you call me?"

"Is your phone number the same as' Raymond Bar'?"

"No."

"Then why did you pick up the receiver?"

* A meaningful answer.

A famous political activist took part in the election. He had something to do when he went to the mental hospital.

I tried to call from the hospital, but I couldn't arrive on time.

He flew into a rage and shouted at the female operator, "Girl, do you know who I am?"

I don't know. The operator replied, "But I know where you are calling from?"

* Don't take the bait

Igor: "Fishing is not allowed in this lake?"

Fisherman: "Really? I said, why don't fish always take the bait? "

:: Reasons for exploration

Two explorers met in the tropical jungle of central Africa. They met in front of a tent.

speak "

"I came here," said one. "I was born to like adventure. I am tired of city life, steam.

The stench of automobile exhaust and the mud on the road after snow melting are simply terrible. I like listening to birds.

Children's voices; I like to stand where no one has been, man. How did you get here?

What about in the room? "

"I'm coming." Another person said, "It's because my son is practicing saxophone all day."

* lion training

"Are you a lion tamer?"

Yes "

"Why don't those fierce lions eat you? Your figure looks very thin and small ... "

"That's why. Those lions are waiting for me to get fat. "

* Lies

Maskell said, "Jose, if you can lie to your face, I will give you a ruble."

Hoshi said, "You just said two rubles."

* Clumsy hunters

Husband came back from hunting.

"You brought back the rabbit's neck, how can there be a small hard card hanging? It's marked

"17.25," the wife asked. This must be the price of rabbits, right? "

"How is that possible?" The husband was frightened. "That ... I killed that rabbit at that time.

Time. "

* Simple call back

A Scotsman went to London to visit an old friend if he wanted, but he forgot his address.

He sent a telegram to his brother: "Do you know Thomas' address? "Brother immediately back.

Telegraph: "Yes."

* Send appointments

My roommate Tom seldom dates recently. He has a date with the most beautiful girl in school.

The young girl's opportunity to go out came suddenly, and Tom had no money around. He immediately gave it

My father, who lives alone, sent a telegram: "I have an appointment to remit money."

His father's answer is: "Rich. Make an appointment. "

* appalling

A first-year medical student wants to read the Handbook of Practical Anatomy written by Kenningham. Among them, the narrative head

Books on department and neck are hard to buy. He sent a telegram to his father who was a doctor, which read as follows

"Send Keningham's head and neck quickly," he said.

:: Introduction of objectives

"I found a good object for you, but this girl has a problem; Her eyes narrowed slightly.

"It doesn't matter."

"Besides, she is a little lame."

"What's the matter?"

"I heard that she is no longer a virgin."

"It doesn't matter."

"What's the matter with you? It doesn't matter. "

"Of course I don't care. I won't marry her. "