Have you ever thought that others are controlling your life?

On Sunday afternoon, the sun is lazy. I sat slumped in the lounge chair on the balcony, with a book in my hand, staring blankly. Suddenly, a crisp WeChat prompt brought me back to reality.

I picked up my mobile phone, opened WeChat, saw the voice sent to me by my friend Lena, and asked me if I had time and wanted to talk to me. I said yes, why don't we find a place to sit?

Lena didn't speak quickly, so she talked about the same thing on WeChat, because her husband said that it was still warm at home in such a cold day, so don't go out and toss.

It's nice of me to tease her husband. It is a blessing to care about her so much. Lena gave me a look of distress and distress. I thought she kept a low profile and didn't want to show off her happiness.

Then Lena sent me a long paragraph in voice and text, which almost overwhelmed me. I looked back and forth several times before I found out the point that Chu Lina wanted to express.

It turns out that Lena's husband usually cares about her. When she first got married, Lena felt beautiful in her heart and felt really lucky to find a husband who cared so much about herself.

After several years, Lena felt more and more wrong. She felt that she was firmly controlled by her husband, because whatever Lena did, she had to get her husband's approval.

Lena wants to go shopping with her best friend, and her husband says, what to wear to go shopping? Just buy what you want online, which saves trouble and time.

Lena wants to sign up for a class to learn baking, and her husband says, why don't you pay for it? If you want to eat cake, go to the cake room and buy it. There is no need to buy many tools back.

Lena's unit asked her to go out for further study. Her husband said that as a married woman, taking care of the family is the biggest career, and small jobs are not that important.

Lena feels flattered every time she listens to her husband. She thinks her husband will understand her, afraid that she will suffer, and only hopes that she will enjoy a happy life at home.

But why are you getting more and more unhappy? Now Lena just wants to do one thing, and she immediately vetoed it herself, thinking that her husband would not agree and she could not do it well.

Finally, Lena asked me, "What do you think is wrong with me? Am I not satisfied? Or is there something wrong with our relationship? "

what can I say? Can I say that Lena met a high-pressure husband? With such a husband, your life will become more and more miserable.

2

In life, there are always people who like to care about others, such as their partners or parents. Their attitude towards the other half or children is "high pressure control".

High-pressure control means that in the relationship between two people, one party controls and dominates the other through a series of behavioral tricks.

This kind of control is not physical control, but psychological and emotional harm. Sometimes the victim doesn't realize it, but in the long run, the victim will definitely feel something.

Just like my friend Lena's husband, he always persuades Lena to stop social and personal growth through all kinds of sweet words, even if he wants to have a hobby.

He wants Lena to do everything he says and doesn't want Lena to have her own ideas. Over time, Lena began to doubt herself and felt that she was a person who could not live without her husband.

Once, Lena invited a friend out to dinner, and her husband said, "What's your friend's good association with?" It is better to watch TV at home than to get together without parents. "

Lena felt sick, so she told her friend that she had to go. Her husband snorted and said, "How strong a friendship can you gossip girls have?"

This made Lena very angry and said that she would definitely go today, and no one could stop her. Her husband immediately relented and asked Lena how long it would take, and he would drive to pick it up.

Her husband's attitude made Lena feel that he still cared about himself. Tell him it will take about three hours. Later, Lena happily went out to eat with her bag.

But Lena didn't finish the meal easily. My husband has a WeChat voice for ten minutes. Ask Lena how long it will take to finish, or call Lena to ask where the TV remote control is.

Less than an hour later, Lena couldn't stand the teasing of her friends and found an excuse to take a taxi home. Hardly had she arrived home when her husband greeted her and gave her a big hug.

Lena's full of anger can't be sent out at the moment. Her husband said, I don't want to call you either, but I'm bored at home alone and want you to accompany me. Look how much I love you!

In this way, Lena gradually alienated all her friends in the years after her marriage, because her husband said there was no real friendship between women.

Lena didn't make any progress in her work. Anyway, her husband said she had him to support her family. Lena, who was full of energy before marriage, watched helplessly as everyone younger than her was promoted to her leadership position.

Fortunately, during this time, Lena finally began to seriously think about her relationship with her husband. The more she thought about it, the more horrible she felt. Her life is completely controlled by her husband, but she doesn't know it.

three

Of course, Lena is not the only one who has the same experience. Lisa, a doctor of psychology, once had such an experience. She met her ex-boyfriend after the divorce.

This man has a successful career, full of charm, takes good care of Lisa, pays close attention to Lisa's every move, and even thinks it is a sweet interaction between them when he asks Lisa to tell his social account password.

In the book Invisible Chains: Overcoming High-pressure Control in Intimate Relationships, Lisa pointed out that out of infatuation with controlling others or fear of disorder caused by inner fragility, the perpetrators resorted to external people or things to manipulate them in order to gain a sense of control over their own lives.

They emphasize love and dedication, obliterate each other's self-confidence through verbal attacks, and make each other have the illusion that "he is all good for me", so it is difficult to realize that they are being hurt.

It is precisely because the perpetrators adopt various strategies that many victims think that this is a manifestation of the other party's love, which is generally not shown in front of outsiders, so this kind of injury is very hidden.

However, long-term "high-pressure control" has brought long-term harm to victims, which will make many victims doubt themselves and feel that their lives are very bad.

At the same time, the victim will fall into a vicious circle of "I can't do anything well" and simply do nothing, just waiting for the other party to arrange everything for himself.

If you are emotionally dependent on your partner and dependent on your parents in parent-child relationship, please calm down and think about it. Is your life controlled by others?

Some people say that my destiny is my own, and I don't want anyone to plan my life and control my destiny. The road of life should come out by yourself.

This sentence makes us understand that everyone is an independent individual, has independent thoughts and does what he wants, instead of being held hostage by others unconsciously.

four

Krishnamurti said in Love and Loneliness, "Without dependence, there can be no love." The soul can only walk alone, because we all have the ability to decide our own direction, but we have no ability to control the path of others.

If you want to drag others into your life, or if you want to force yourself into someone else's world, there are only two final results, either waiting for death in your own world or being torn apart in someone else's world.

If you want to be the master of your own life, not bound by your partner or parents, you need to do this:

First of all, be clear-headed and not be confused by the other party's various means.

In intimate relationships, if the other person always tells you that you don't need to do this and you can't do that well, you'd better do nothing.

Sometimes sweet words coax you, sometimes harsh words accuse you, sometimes cynically despise you, and various means take turns to go into battle, as long as it can make you give up your thoughts.

At this time, you must be alert to each other, that is, you should do as he asks. You must be clear-headed and know that the purpose of his doing this is to control your life.

When you can jump out of the scene at that time, you can see the purpose of the other party clearly, and you will not be confused by his various means, nor will you be soft-hearted enough to agree to his request.

Secondly, be independent and do what you want at once.

As an adult, you have the right to decide your own life. When you want to do something, as long as you don't break the law, do it boldly.

You can tell the other person what you want to do, but you should also make it clear that you just respect him. He can make suggestions, but he has no right to decide.

When you firmly communicate with each other, I believe he will feel your attitude, at least he will not try to control you by various means.

Of course, it is very important that you have the motivation to do what you want at once, and don't give the other party time and opportunity to obstruct it.

Third, communicate and speak your mind frankly.

Because intimate relationship and parent-child relationship are relatively two people, others generally don't know each other's mode of getting along. In private space, you are easily persuaded by the other party.

You must communicate with each other more, preferably in public, and speak your thoughts and plans firmly, of course, it must be feasible

If you want to change the relationship between two people, communication once or twice may have little effect. You need to communicate with each other many times, and the key point is to let them see your attitude and actions.

Even if he controls you by various means, you will follow suit. Anyway, there is only one purpose. You can't let the other side sabotage your actions, and you can't compromise.

I believe that through many actions and communication, the other party will gradually understand that you are no longer a "pawn" in his hand, but an independent person.

five

Carnegie said in "The Weakness of Human Nature" that the only way to learn to control yourself is to live in a "completely independent today".

Your own life should be in your own hands. No one else, including your partner or your parents, has the right to control your life.

Learn to be your own master and do what you want, and you will learn to grow, enrich your life experience and realize your dreams.