What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever seen?

This is a true joke, this is a sad joke. The first story: A man had a relationship with a beautiful woman. The woman offered to give her 3 million to give birth to the child, and the man agreed. After a while, the woman came to pester her again, demanding 2 million. The two parties could not reach an agreement and went to court. As a result, the court investigated and found that the woman's child was not the man's. As a result, the woman ran away and the man cried. Another story: A man began to realize that his eldest son did not look like him, so he secretly took a paternity test. It turned out that he was not his son. The man broke down and quarreled with his wife and filed for divorce. My wife cried and said that she knew she was wrong, and for the sake of our little son, let's live together. The man felt that his younger son was his after all, so he endured it. Unwilling to give up, he proposed to do a paternity test on his younger son as well. The key point came when the wife said that the man did not trust her and firmly disagreed with the paternity test for her youngest son. The more the man thought about it, the more he felt something was wrong, so he still filed for divorce. In the end, because the wife refused to do a paternity test on the younger son, the court ruled that the younger son was not the man’s biological child, and ordered the man to divorce his wife. At the same time, the wife compensated the man for hundreds of thousands of yuan in economic losses. The man won the lawsuit, lost his family, and won a few cuckolds he didn't know the number of.

I remember watching a couple quarreling. When girls quarrel, boys smile tenderly from the side. Girls are not like boys who hug and laugh and say they won’t even argue, so what should we do? A few days later my girlfriend and I had an argument. I also followed the example of that man and laughed next to him. As a result, my girlfriend rushed up to me and slapped me in the face, while making me laugh.

Yesterday I went to pick up my boss from prison. My boss was arrested for smuggling. He dared not reveal where the last batch of goods was hidden. He was sentenced to 20 years. He was finally released today. . After being released from prison, he didn't say a word, and asked me to drive to the suburbs for a day to carefully identify the place where the goods were buried. The two of us dug for a long time and dug out a big box. The boss's hands began to tremble when he looked at the big box. Holding my hand, this batch was released. We will have money. All these years of suffering were not in vain. We lived a good life together. With tears of happiness, we opened the box and found a box full of BB machines.

I have a very good relationship with the girl in college. Every time I send her back to the dormitory and go upstairs, she always hugs me, because after all, the two places will definitely be separated after graduation, and we have never told her. At the class reunion in the first year after graduation, we hugged each other familiarly. I said that after working for a year, you haven’t changed at all and you are still as beautiful. He smiled evilly and said that you have changed a lot and now you won’t touch me when I hug you. . When a girl tells you I like you, it must be a test for you. Girls are very insecure. You should express your cordial feelings so that the other party neither thinks you are frivolous nor thinks you are interested in him. No feeling, just like the gentle big brother next door.

The funniest jokes, two that are still fresh in my memory.

1. I remember a friend of mine got married. He went to his wife’s house to welcome her. When he arrived at his mother-in-law’s house, he wanted to give her flowers, but his wife said she didn’t want them.

The master of ceremonies asked, what kind of flower is this?

The friend replied, rose

The emcee asked again, what?

The friend said, rose

Then the emcee kicked him to his knees. Okay, I said something, why don’t you kneel down to your wife even though you know she didn’t?

2. One of my friends went on a date and sat on the lawn to bask in the sun. We really had nothing to talk about. In order to avoid it, the girl stopped talking. I was embarrassed, so I asked him, who do you think is more beautiful, me or Yun Duo?

Without even thinking about it, the buddy just answered casually, one in the sky and the other in the earth,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, the buddy has never found a girlfriend again,,,,

[Boss: Why are you so late?

Employee: You may not believe it, but I traveled through time this morning!

Boss: Oh? Come and listen!

Employee: I set the alarm for 8 o'clock today as usual!

Boss: What then?

Employee: Then I get up and turn off the alarm clock!

Boss: Keep talking!

Employee: After turning it off, I blinked, and when I opened my eyes, I was already an hour in the future!

Boss:...

Boss: Get out!

Employee: Hey! Great!

Being polite can kill people, right? Let me tell you about my true experience~

The night before yesterday, several buddies made an appointment to eat hot pot at another buddy’s house. They all went there relatively early.

I happened to have something to do, so I planned to finish my work and go there. It was a little late when I left.

When I first drove to Wal-Mart and waited for the traffic light, the guy called me and asked me why I hadn’t arrived yet.

I said I would get something and I would be there soon.

What do you think he said?

He said there was no need to buy anything, just come over and eat quickly. . .

excuse me? !

I was so embarrassed at the time, I just wanted to go to the nearby SF Express to pick up a package!

So I quietly walked into Wal-Mart and bought a big bag of fruit.

This is not a joke! This is not a joke!

My wife is a prodigal woman who spends thousands of cosmetics online every month. Yesterday she liked another blusher, priced at 888. I blurted out, "It's too expensive. 888 can buy a mobile phone!" She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Can a mobile phone make your face red?" I said. "Yes, you can give me 888, and I will let you use blush for the rest of your life." This morning she handed me 888 and said, "I want to see how you let me use blush for the rest of my life." I took the money, He waved his hand and gave her two slaps, and said, "From now on, come to me every morning to draw blush. It also has the effect of promoting blood circulation and unblocking meridians."... No more, 120 is here, my leg was broken by my wife, I have to go to the hospital to pick her up quickly. My legs are broken, I don’t know if 888 is enough.

Recently, a female colleague has become very good at eating. She has gained 20 pounds in one month. She has transformed from a pretty girl to a fat girl. I am particularly curious, "Other girls are losing weight, why are you gaining weight?" Fat?" She said, "I haven't had much luck lately, so I eat more." I said, "Does luck have something to do with how much you eat?" She looked at me in surprise, "Have you never heard that food makes a difference? ”

I used to have no house or car, and I was always rejected by girls when I went on blind dates. Later, I worked hard and finally bought a house and a car. Now when I go on a blind date, no girl thinks I'm poor, but I still get rejected all the time. The reason for rejection is "too ugly!" So I continued to work hard, and my current goal is to "save money for plastic surgery!"

One day, a buddy and I went to a restaurant to eat, and there were two beauties at the next table, so my buddy and I immediately fell in love with each other. When I got energetic, we started chatting about Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Porsche, stocks, funds and real estate, and the beautiful women at the next table kept casting envious glances. After a while, the restaurant owner came over and said, "Brother, I really can't stand it anymore. Please stop bragging. A rich man who drives a Porsche and engages in real estate will not just order a bowl of Malatang!"

I went to my father-in-law's house to visit relatives during the Spring Festival. My uncle handed me cigarettes. I said I didn't smoke, and he said, "You are a graduate student, how come you can't even smoke!" Then I went into the kitchen to help my mother-in-law make dumplings, but she couldn't make one for a long time. My mother-in-law said, "You are a graduate student, how come you can't even make dumplings!" During the meal, my father-in-law poured me wine, and I said I didn't know how to drink. As a result, my father-in-law said, "You are a graduate student, why can't you even drink?" Alas! I regret taking the postgraduate entrance examination now.

1. College Entrance Examination Joke Series: Examiner's Lament

During the imperial examination a long time ago, the examiner saw a scholar answering questions as fast as flying. Then he said casually: Answering questions in this life is like a bow and arrow, once it is fired it cannot be taken back! He once again saw a scholar who had forgotten the words in his hand and was erasing and writing. He scratched his head and scratched his head when he saw others answering with gusto, and he also said casually: Answering questions in this life is like frying in oil, and you are in a dilemma! At this time, the inspector on the side added: Those who are quick to write are diligent, and those who scratch their cheeks are lazy. This is the frog looking at the swan and salivating!

2. College Entrance Examination Joke Series: The Wishes of Candidates’ Parents

Two parents were bored outside school accompanying their children to take the college entrance examination. So he started drinking at a nearby tavern, and when he got excited, he began to punch. A: Tsinghua University, Peking University, I will definitely win after taking the exam! B is not to be outdone: Cambridge, Oxford, the two brothers are bored together! The owner of the tavern was not happy when he heard that his son only passed the second grade last year, so he also said to them: Second grade, third grade, if you can pass the exam, you must be cruel!

3. College Entrance Examination Joke Series: Admission

Shanshan had excellent scores in the college entrance examination and was admitted under exceptional circumstances. I called my grandpa immediately and told him: Grandpa, I have been admitted to Oxford University! Grandpa: What? Beef tendon? The beef tendon is so good, it tastes chewy. Shanshan laughed: I want to say that I am admitted to Cambridge University. You can't say scabbard, scabbard. What do I need a scabbard for if I don't have a sword? Grandpa: That’s right, it’s useless if you have a scabbard but no sword!

4. College Entrance Examination Jokes Series: Various Encouragement Cards

During the College Entrance Examination, parents are also following the trend. From presenting flowers, presenting gifts, and inviting a band to the popular use of encouraging signs to cheer, the conversation really blossomed. There is: I have passed the examination of being a rich, handsome, and better than a second-generation official! Today I’m flipping through books, tomorrow I’m counting money! One more point in the exam will defeat thousands of people! Others are: Li Ran, a classmate from Peking University, is waving to you! Congratulations to classmate Wang Zihan for being named on the gold list! Zhang Shan, you must be the pillar of the motherland! Wait for the pressure mountain to be large. Some even held up large reward checks. Among the many encouragement cards, only one makes people feel relaxed: Wu Dan, you are successful because you successfully completed the college entrance examination!

Hello friends, I am "6 Little Jokes". Welcome everyone to come to my space to see little jokes! Smile and throw away all your worries!

1.

The Chinese New Year is coming soon. A young couple on the bus were arguing about whose home they should go to celebrate the New Year. Each had their own reasons, and it was difficult to distinguish between them. An old man next to them got really tired of hearing this and said to them when they reached a station: "Girls, you've arrived at the station!" Upon hearing this, the couple quickly got off the car. After the car drove away, the two people stared at each other. Are we getting off here?

2.

This year I am a 28-year-old leftover woman who met a divorced man and has a 6-year-old daughter. After getting along for a while, the man was quite nice, but his daughter was too strong, she did whatever she said, and the man spoiled her. I also thought in my heart that if it were my own daughter who dared to do this, I would torture her until she could not find her. However, it seems that the man’s ex-wife was driven away by the man just because he was educating his daughter.

I feel so uneasy, should such a family get involved?

3.

I was bored, walking on the street, and saw a weight and height weighing person on the side of the road, 5 cents per person. Wanting to see if there was any change in my body, I walked over and was about to stand on the scale. The lady looking at the scale hurriedly stopped and said, "If you weigh yourself, it's either 5 cents or 260 yuan!" Nani? It scared me. The weigh-in costs 260 yuan, so why not grab it? The eldest sister looked at me again: "If you crush my scale, you will have to pay for it!"

4.

My younger brother was punished by the teacher at school and was severely beaten by his father when he came home. After a while, my mother came home and scolded and beat her until my brother begged for mercy and no longer dared to do so. It turned out that during the test, my brother made cheat sheets without reviewing, but it was not safe to put them anywhere, so he secretly posted the cheat sheets behind the teacher so that everyone in the class could enjoy them.

5.

The winter vacation is finally here, and my wife wants to travel. I see that the Chinese New Year will be in 12 days, so I said, I might as well not go, and look at my circle of friends. It can be seen all over the country. "Okay, listen to my husband!" "Well, be good!" I looked at the time and saw it was already 1 o'clock noon. No wonder I was so hungry. I said we should either cook something ourselves or order food. Then, I received several pictures on my phone, including Kung Pao Chicken, Spicy Shredded Pork, Stir-fried Cabbage, and Three Fresh Soup. . .

6.

It’s the Chinese New Year. When I return to my hometown, I don’t know many of my juniors. However, when they called me grandpa, I realized that at the age of 28, I had such a high ranking in the village. My wife glanced at me and said, "Actually, my seniority is higher, extremely high!" I said, "How do you say that?" "You have accumulated virtue and talent for eight lifetimes and met such a beautiful, kind, and virtuous woman like me. I It took me eight lifetimes to meet such a dull and sultry man! You are 16 generations older than me! Come and fight."

Just tell me a satirical joke.

The entertainment committee member of the class is named Yu Jing. Not only is her father a high-ranking official in the village, but her mother is also the principal’s former deskmate.

She won first place in every school singing and dancing competition. Once when she was on stage, she accidentally sprained her foot. She walked a few steps with help and won first place in the dance group.

Not long ago, the city held a patriotic dance competition in the red zone, and the school secured a spot to participate in the competition.

After her mother worked hard all night, Yu Jing was appointed as the lead dancer by the principal.

On the day before the competition, the female teacher who led the team and the classmates who were participating in the competition crowded onto the direct bus bound for the competition venue.

Yu Jing’s father, who came to see her off, looked a little confused. In the crowded bus, he called his daughter out of the bus in an official manner. While waving to the bus to go ahead, he said to his daughter: If you squeeze in with them, you will lose your status. You are now a star, a big star participating in the competition. You must be like this. Just like on TV, there are special cars and bodyguards to escort you, that way it will be grand, wait for me to call a few bodyguards for you, and a special car will clear the way to escort you;

Then several cars of the village committee were designated as celebrity cars , and asked a few cronies to escort her daughter to the competition.

After the female teacher who led the team arrived at the venue, she didn’t see Yu Jing coming for a long time, and no one answered the phone. It was about to go on to the competition. She thought of the task assigned to her by the principal. This competition was related to her. Professional title assessment, and even jobs. She was so anxious that she finally received a call from Yu Jing's bodyguard, saying that there was a traffic jam and decided to cancel the performance.

The female teacher shouted: It's over... It's over... Everything is over. La; while running towards the organizing committee office in a panic.

She mustered up the courage to push open the office door and saw a group of men and women sitting in the office, chatting and laughing. The leader of the organizing committee nodded and bowed to them and patted them. The female teacher bravely walked up to the leader. Before she could speak like a leader behind her, the leader turned around and saw her.

The sloppy face suddenly turned serious and serious and said: "Why did you come in? I didn't see the leader was in a meeting;"

The female teacher was frightened by the leader's serious face. He lowered his head and dared not speak. The office fell silent, and every pair of eyes looked at the female teacher with her head trembling nervously in front of her. A big leader sitting in the middle asked: If you have anything to say, don't be afraid; Let’s just say, the people sitting here are all businessmen, celebrities, parents and officials from this city, guest judges invited for this competition.

When the female teacher heard that the people sitting here were all important people, she became more nervous instead of relaxing. She hesitated and spoke a few words, and even she didn't know what she was talking about. The female teacher's heart skipped a beat and she said loudly: Our Yu Jing hasn't come yet, so we can't act...

The office that instantly froze was filled with hurried breaths that could not be concealed. A sneer of laughter broke through.

The big leader sitting in the middle held his breath, glanced at the secret secretary next to him who lowered his head and covered his mouth and sneered, and in a blink of an eye, he said to the female teacher: What are you planning? What program?

The female teacher bowed her head and responded timidly: Four... four crossings of Chishui;.

The big leader glared and said: Look at your knowledge of revolutionary history. Chishui is a stream that never stops flowing. Do you know how much it takes to reflect the magnificent revolutionary history? I thought it was a bottle of iced black tea. This is simply ridiculous...;

Let me tell you a joke I have heard. After telling it to others for so many years, I can’t help but laugh. (This is a funny joke. I can’t bear to read it. I’m very tired of typing.) Now let’s get to the point.

By the way, there is a couple who likes adventure very much. One day, the couple went on an adventure and came to a primitive forest. Unbeknownst to them, there were cannibals living in the forest.

Soon after entering the forest, they were caught by cannibals. The couple was so frightened that they cried and begged, "Please let us go. Let's give the money and food." It’s all for you, okay?” The leader of the cannibals told them: "I don't want your money or things. I can give you two options. One is to be eaten by us, and the other is for each of you to poop and let the other eat it up." If you eat it, I will let you go. You can make your own choice."

In order to survive, the couple looked at each other and nodded and said: "We don't want to die, we choose the second option, we eat."

The cannibal leader asked his men to let go of the couple and let the couple feed each other to eat. The couple had no choice. In order to survive, he suppressed his nausea and ate all the other person's poop. The cannibal leader was quite trustworthy and let the couple go.

The couple ran out of the forest in a panic. The boy breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that they escaped death. However, the girl kept crying and crying. The boy asked her: "We finally escaped and were not eaten. Why are you still crying?" The girl cried and said: "You don't love me at all!" The boy said: "You are still talking about these things at this time. ? Why don’t I love you anymore?”

The girl said: "

Why do you poop so much if you love me!?"