If you are in debt, it’s better not to travel together.

I write this sentence here to make myself give up.

I am a very contradictory person. I like living in groups and want to play lively with others, but I am also the kind of person who cannot let go. I am always by my side quietly. See others making trouble and laugh along with others.

This time, my colleagues in the company arranged to go on a trip together after finishing their recent big project. I didn't want to watch them all go out to play, and I was sitting alone in the office, so I wanted to go with them, completely forgetting that I still had unpaid balances.

After graduation, I no longer want to bear the burden on my parents. I have to rely on my own ability to support my living expenses. However, things didn't go as planned, and various trivial matters caused me to owe a lot of money to my friends one after another. The cost of living in the city is high, and the money earned from salary, apart from rent, also needs to be verified. I try my best to use the little money left over every month to return it to my friends. But not only was the money not repaid, but more money was owed.

My colleagues have yet to decide on a travel destination, and I am increasingly unsure of the budget for this trip. My experience of traveling abroad is very limited. In addition, everyone’s spending power is not at the same level. When traveling in a group, they will inevitably spend money in various aspects in order to compromise with each other.

On the one hand, I really want to go on a group trip, which should leave very good memories, but on the other hand, I am worried that financial pressure will cause me to have a very uncomfortable time. It doesn't seem impossible to pay back the money later. If I don't go out to play now, I think I will have the opportunity in the future. After hesitating for a long time, I decided to tell the person in charge that I would not go this time.

But the worst thing is that I am already easily swayed, and the well-meaning inquiries and persuasion from other colleagues will make me fall into that vortex again. It won’t cost too much money, so it’s okay to travel on a budget...

As a person who is heavily in debt, I still feel very guilty about going out for fun at this time. After carefully calculating the balance on my bank card and cash flow in the next few months, and then looking at the prices of the places they had agreed to go to, I felt that I should give up. You should buy a ticket to go home and spend more time with your family while you have time. When you make more money in the future and play without restraint, you should be able to relax even more.

In fact, there is a small but never-ending voice in my heart, always saying, I will ruin other people's moods, so don't influence others to relax when traveling. I have recently found that I am less and less able to control my emotions, and I can easily go berserk over the smallest things. And it’s the type where you’ll still be very angry when you think about it afterwards, and you don’t want to see this person again or have any contact with him anymore.

So I am worried that going out for such an intimate activity will make my colleagues know me better and discover that I am actually a very annoying person, which will lead to estrangement at work in the future.

I am very afraid that after others realize the real me, they will no longer want to have contact with me, so I would rather keep a certain distance from everyone. Moreover, I easily feel disgusted with the people around me. I will be very concerned about the shortcomings of the other person, and feel that those shortcomings will suffocate me, and I cannot accept this person at all. Probably because I am habitually like this, it also leads me to think that other people will treat me this way.

Other people’s world is bright and sunny, but my world is full of contradictions, entanglements, negative energy, and bad emotions...