Recall the past articles: unbearable days

If there is a terrible day in my life and a memory that I don't want to touch, I think my day should be to pacify the normal school.

At that time, I was 18 years old, in the prime of my life, full of joy and longing, and I stepped into this prestigious school one by one and settled in the normal school.

The two scarlet doors in my memory are particularly high. They are inlaid with gold-plated ferrules and bronze buckles. The threshold is high, but it's all made of wood. They are clumsy, heavy, old and strong, as if time had frozen there.

The buttonwood trees in the yard, without a trace of dust, the tall teaching building, resplendent and magnificent, all these make me feel fresh and curious?

A rural girl who has never walked out of the mountains seems to see a brand-new world here, as if she dreams of taking off here!

However, everything is different from what I imagined. The pride and self-confidence that used to be among the best, like the leaves of a plane tree blown down by the wind, are scattered and scattered until they disappear?

Music I have never been exposed to, sports I have never participated in, and dances I have never thought of are all popular here. I am an idiot, self-abased and cowardly, and began to occupy my thoughts slowly, a feeling of falling from heaven to hell.

I can't forget a simple employee. I feel like a heavenly book, and most of my studies are still at a loss.

I can't forget the disdainful eyes of Shuang Lee Jane, the head teacher and music teacher, and feel stupid to the extreme.

I can't forget the dance that almost the whole class has to perform, but I can't even play a walk-on role.

I can't forget too much, too much, too much, my humble, dull, lost and sad!

After more than a year, I began to adapt to this wandering life: running every morning; Take a nap every morning; Dealing with cultural lessons is not very difficult; Art class seems to be a mess, too? The most worrying thing is music class, just like a fool suffering from being at a loss, at a loss?

Now it seems that even if it is difficult to learn, it is also a kind of edification and infection. Eliminating the passive accumulation of teachers in the past three years will still be a great wealth and capital for me to return to rural teaching after graduation, and I will even become a pioneer and pioneer in music, art and physical education class there.

In the second year of normal school, something unpleasant happened, and the money in the dormitory was lost one after another. I still clearly remember that the method of the class teacher's examination at that time was to let each of us write down the object of doubt on a piece of paper. I was so stupid that I wrote such a line: "I am not qualified to doubt anyone!" " ? What's more, after the note was handed in, I couldn't wait to ask who wrote it. I'm also afraid, afraid that others will doubt me. In fact, I think this is my psychological problem, including now that I am an adult. If my colleagues in the office can't find their books and pens, they just need to shout "Who has seen my books?" ",I was the first to doubt whether I took it? Hurry up and find someone on my own site. I can't worry if the people who lost things can't find their own. This is also a poor psychological quality! Indeed, I have been in the same dormitory for more than a year. Think about which one can't be a thief. I'm sure it's not from our dormitory. My basis is that the dormitory door was broken during that time.

But it turned out that the class teacher thought I did it! I don't know if I'm self-righteous. Or am I timid and impatient? Or maybe I am really suspected by others? Because I was the only one who didn't come home on Sunday, just to save the round-trip fare. For some reason, I became a "suspect" for stealing money.

I remember it was the night before the winter vacation. The night in my memory is dark, with no stars and no moon. I was called to his dormitory by the head teacher. At that time, he was still single, but he also had a marriage partner, just like one of his former students, the chubby girl who taught in the affiliated elementary school.

That night, the director of the political and educational affairs office of the school also went. I don't know if I know his position accurately. I only remember that his name is Li Tieniu and he speaks hard. Every night, I can hear him reprimanding the students in front of the dormitory. He should be the teacher in charge of safety!

A few years ago, I heard from my normal classmates that he died of some kind of disease. Hey! I wonder if he thought of a student like me when he died. He never gave up the hatred or curse of his power and condemnation.

In fact, the trial did not go smoothly, but was stopped several times by my strong and uncontrollable resistance-it was hysterical crying and accusations of hitting the floor! At that time, the class teacher hit me in order to control my excitement! That kind of pain and injustice is biting, and now I feel chilling when I think about it!

I remember that night, another student was called to review. She and I are good friends, as careless and handsome as boys. Unfortunately, a similar incident happened in their dormitory. Like me, she became a "suspect" The two cases were tried together. There was really a little exultation at that time. In such a disastrous experience, there was a person who was in the same boat with me and became my companion. In fact, no matter how capable my personality is, it is hard to resist such unfair treatment! We cried for a long time. A long time? I thought about suicide. The way to die is to jump from the top of a teaching building that is grand enough in my opinion and prove my innocence with my life! However, how brave it takes for a child aged 18 to die! We tried many ways to save ourselves, and all of them refused. We felt stupid and naive. Why don't we ask our parents and relatives for help in such a big matter? After all, we are not adults, and we can't save ourselves. Our rhetoric, excuses, crying and theories are all feeble! So now I have been telling my daughter that if there is anything unfair outside, I will choose to tell my parents at the first time. I won't let my daughter experience my gray youth again?

That night, you stayed in the head teacher's dormitory for a long time? Because we didn't eat when we were called, we were all tired after nearly four hours of interrogation, refutation, refutation and reprimand? I don't know whether it's out of the teacher's love or out of the guilt of hitting me. My head teacher, who has always been cold in my eyes and can even see through my stupid music class at a glance, cooked me a bowl of noodles, a simple noodle soup with soy sauce and vinegar. I held the bowl of noodles in my hand, and I was even moved by it. After all, that bowl of noodles is warm on a cold winter night!

I remember I only ate half a bite, because I was so sad that I couldn't even swallow a bite.

I wonder how the fruitless trial ended. I only remember that it was really cold that night. I was shaking all over, and my gums were moving up and down, saying, "creak?" Tickle? Sound? I don't know how I walked back to the dormitory and moved like a ghost. I was dizzy.

From that night on, I closed myself up, counting the graduation day, and wanted to leave early, early, leaving this pingding normal school that made me sad, miserable, desperate and sad, and leaving my 225 dormitory.

Such a difficult day is a kind of torture for my cheerful self! Because of misunderstanding, speculation and suspicion, this group, which should be full of laughter, began to disintegrate and split, and a layer of gloom hung over the dormitory. Every girl who just wants to bloom like a flower season seems to be silent because of this storm. Don't they joke and chat with each other without restraint, let alone communicate with each other openly? I am even more resentful and puzzled because of being interrogated. I rise like the sun that comes as scheduled every day, blocking myself, suppressing myself, and living next to me like a different person?

Until graduation day, my foot stepped out of the high, wooden and rough threshold of pacifying normal school, and I shouted to myself, "Farewell! Calm down! " I never want to set foot in it again in my life!

"pacify the normal school", "175 class? , "225 dormitory? I will dust them off and bury them forever, including the "head teacher" who is also taking music lessons. . Moreover, I have thought for countless times that my first salary must be the legal fee for taking him to court?

Slowly, my life began to enter a new state-falling in love, getting married, having children and so on. Because time is a good medicine to heal wounds, and because the big events and small feelings in life are full of all thoughts and occupy all the time, I began to slowly let go of this knot and forget this experience. And try to understand the youthful vitality of the class teacher; Began to forgive the helplessness and fear of the little sisters in the dormitory; Start to face up to your original childishness and impulsiveness!

This page of black and white youth records my pain, which is also a kind of hardship and experience.

It always reminds me that I won't doubt a child at will, let alone misunderstand, and I'm not absolutely sure, because I know that such injury will become a brand and will be engraved in the child's heart all my life, so I'd rather muddle along and run aground than invade a young soul at will.

Today, when normal students invited me to a party, I always had a lingering fear. I don't want to face people in the past, let alone think of the past, look back on the past and touch memories.

I really hope they will forget me forever? Don't mention me again!

Until last week, my daughter said that she lost 100 yuan in class and identified suspicious objects; It was not until the day before yesterday that I was dragged into a WeChat group by my classmates in the dormitory and they discussed getting together that I couldn't wait to write down my thoughts, open my scars and let them dry in the sun?

This place that once gave me a dream, I left with full of melancholy and sadness? Going back to your alma mater may last forever?

If life must let go of anything, let go of hatred! Because remembering it is really a burden!

It's better to miss each other than to meet! May the sisters in dormitory 225 be healthy, happy and safe all their lives!

Author: Erhong, formerly known as Zhang Xiaoli (WeChat official account: worship life)

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