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My father's life will always be fixed in the afternoon of 202010,31,13: 20. When my father left, his eyes filled with tears, and he left us forever with infinite attachment, reluctance and regret for the world.

After my father left, I couldn't breathe for days. No matter what I do and who I meet, I am listless and full of my father. Especially when a person is alone, thinking about it, tears will unconsciously slide down, and every bit of my father's life will emerge in front of me.

1. Looking at the distant hometown, it is full of homesickness.

The day my father left happened to be a full moon, guarding the empty mourning hall and staying up all night. The bright moon outside the window shuttles through the clouds, which naturally reminds me of my hometown where I was born and raised: the adobe house where we lived when I was a child, and the fir forest outside the back door of the adobe house; A few acres of rice fields and vegetable fields planted at home, and buffalo fed; Wash vegetables in the weir pond in the morning and fetch water from the old well near the village; In summer, I eat on the threshing floor to enjoy the cool, and watch martial arts movies around black and white TV. There are also scenes of transplanting rice seedlings, cutting grain, growing vegetables, peeling cotton, digging sweet potatoes and firewood in the mountains during the busy farming season ... All this, my father's figure seems to be yesterday.

I want to try to remember, but my memory is particularly vague. What I can remember is a few things that are particularly impressive. According to my mother, my father is a diligent and intelligent person. Although he was only in the third grade when he was a child, he was particularly good at arithmetic and bookkeeping. When I was young, I was recommended by the team to work in the county, and worked in banks such as Jingshan Chengguan, Song He and Luodian. As far as I can remember, my father worked in a bank for several years and my mother taught in a village-run primary school. The family is half-owned, with 6 acres of thin land. My dad carries both ends and runs back and forth.

We have four brothers and sisters, two men and two women. When I was about 8 years old, my father built two adobe houses for our two brothers. He is afraid that the sufferings of the previous generation will be repeated in the next generation. At least we'll get married and have a nest to live in. But in that era of poverty, building a house was very difficult.

In order to build two adobe houses, parents get up early and get greedy for the dark to raise building materials. At that time, adobe was made of soil in rice fields. First, drag the buffalo with stones to crush the soil in the rice field. Then, cut the soil into pieces with a brick plough. Then exposed to the sun and dried in the sun, it became an adobe material for building.

My mother used her thin body to carry heavy earth bricks in the brick field, while my father went alone to the deep mountain at the junction of Jingshan and Suizhou to buy wood for building houses, make purlins and rafters, and invited a mason from the market town. After more than a month, he made two adobe houses. I spent most of my time in Dashucun Primary School in a small room. There are memories I can't get rid of.

Second, looking back on the road to study is a deep fatherly love.

1986 Graduated from primary school, went to middle school in Luodian town, and lived with his father. That year, I was admitted to Guohe Key Middle School. In order to give me a good environment, my father bought a gift to find the headmaster of the middle school and transferred me from a remote ravine to Luodian Middle School with better conditions.

Following my father's life, a carefree life, there is nothing to worry about. I remember that every morning, my father would get up early, cook a bowl of egg soup for our two brothers, then buy some steamed buns or steamed buns in the canteen, and then go to school when he was full. After school starts studying in the morning, we also cook noodles every day until we come back for dinner after studying in the morning. Three meals a day, little delay.

I worked hard during my junior high school in Luodian, and I was a monitor for three years. My father seldom asks about my academic performance. He trusted me to study hard in the classroom, and I never gave a discount when I asked for money to buy study materials. When I graduated from junior high school, my father transferred from Luodian Town to Madian Town, a newly established town. That year, my rhinitis has been bad, causing headaches. In the second year of senior high school entrance examination, I didn't get into Jingshan No.1 Middle School, but only Jingshan No.4 Middle School (Luodian High School).

In those years, it was a glorious thing to be admitted to the university. Being admitted to Beijing No.1 Middle School means stepping into the door of the university. My father told me that he had found out and gave me 2000 yuan more. According to my scores in the senior high school entrance examination at that time, I could go to Beijing No.1 Middle School and ask me if I wanted to go. Because I was worried that I couldn't get the money at home at once, or I was worried that I might not be able to keep up with the study in Jingshan No.1 Middle School. I was a strong player in Jingshan No.1 Middle School, so I gave up decisively.

After attending an ordinary high school, my father had little hope for me to enter the university. He wants me to finish three years of high school. If the banking system can arrange employment for my children, ask me to work. I feel that I don't have the talent to enter the university.

1July, 992, graduated from high school, and didn't repeat it. I chose the job my father arranged for me-a tertiary enterprise run by the County Agricultural Bank, selling shoes and home appliances in the shoes and hats counter of a shopping mall.

During this time, just out of school, eighteen or nineteen years old, suddenly stepped into the society, at a loss. Sometimes, I get up alone in the middle of the night and take a long-distance bus to Hanzheng Street to buy goods. Sometimes I pull home appliances in Wuhan with the manager and drag firecrackers back to Jingshan, Hunan to sell them. Those days, I really felt very bitter. Sometimes I almost become a porter. In Hanzheng Street, hundreds of pounds of toothpaste boxes and washing powder boxes make my shoulders ache. Especially sometimes, I pretend to smile and drink with people. I was so drunk that it took me a few days to recover.

58 yuan was paid in the first month of work, which made him unable to make ends meet. I don't think this kind of life can go on like this, so I told my parents that I still want to go to school. My parents agreed that I should quit my job in the shopping mall and go back to Jingshan No.2 Middle School (Chennv Middle School) for further study. After a semester, my grades are not very satisfactory, and I still feel it is difficult to get into college. My mother ran to the school and asked the class teacher about my grades, and asked the teacher's opinion to see if I was suitable for work or school. The head teacher advised my mother that if there were classes, I would rather work.

Go to school, go to work, etc., my father once again put in a good word for the president, and I walked into the mall for the second time. I won't stand at the counter this time and go directly to the warehouse.

While guarding the warehouse, I continued to review high school textbooks and wanted to go to college. From 65438 to 0994, I successfully entered Wuhan Management Cadre College of Agricultural Bank of China after taking the adult college entrance examination, which fulfilled my college dream. I remember that the tuition fee for one year was 3000 yuan. But even this 3,000 yuan is quite difficult to take out at home. Fortunately, my parents gave me a salary increase that year, and I made up several thousand yuan at once. Then, with the support of my parents, I left the unit and went to college.

One year I went to college and my father sent me to school. When I went out, my mother repeatedly told me that I must take a group photo at the university gate as a souvenir. My father, my brother and I took a group photo in the flower bed of Zhongbei Road in Wuchang according to my mother's instructions. Behind us are bronzed figures from several colleges. At that time, we were in the prime of life and full of youth. Although my father is thin, he smiles just right and looks forward to a bright future. When I saw the photo of my father and me again, it seemed like yesterday.

Third, looking forward to getting married is a deep expectation.

1997 graduated from junior college and stayed in Wuhan to work until he went home and got married in 2000.

Before, my parents had been urging me to get married, saying that if the boss was not young, I would find someone to get married, then start a business together and form a small family.

After work, my father concentrated on feeding pigs in the pigsty of Agricultural Bank of China. He has to feed at least two fat pigs a year, one for sale and the other for the New Year. Every time I come home from Wuhan, my father always says, when will you get married?

When I was young, I always had a lot of ideas. I didn't have a career, I didn't meet love, and I always wanted to wait a few years, and I was old when I waited. At the age of 28, I met the college students and girls in the same village who worked in the next unit in the town, so I had the yearning for falling in love and got married after chasing. The big fat pig fed by my father also came in handy, killing more than 300 kilograms of meat and being busy for several days.

I remember when I got married, my parents gave me 20 thousand yuan, saving money from my teeth. Later, I spent more than 10,000 yuan to buy a second-hand house in Jingshan, which looks 80 square meters. This is the real home of Jingshan.

I didn't go out to work after the baby was born. I worked in county newspapers and private schools for several years. The salary is generally around 500 yuan per month. Children go to kindergarten and their families are poor. During this time, I relied on my parents' help to accompany us through this difficult period. Until 2005, I passed the establishment assessment of the unit by my own efforts, and my work settled down, which was 1000 yuan a month. Later, I saved some money to buy a suite and live separately from my parents.

After my father retired, he was always busy. He got a vegetable field in front of the house and planted cucumbers, beans, cabbages, tomatoes and so on. Every summer, the vegetable garden grows lush, and they prepare many fresh vegetables for us every few days. In his spare time, my father sometimes goes fishing in the rivers of Huiting Reservoir and Jingshan River, and plays a small mahjong with the old people in the yard for one yuan, which is quite leisurely.

My father is extremely frugal and always reluctant to spend half a penny. As far as I can remember, my father hardly bought himself new clothes, either his mother or his children. The best clothes are only a few hundred dollars. When he is old, he always likes to pick up plastic bottles and waste newspapers thrown away by others and then take them to waste collection stations to sell. Change back a few dollars or a dozen dollars at a time. We have been trying to persuade him not to answer it. It's not like there is no pension. But he's always unwilling to listen. Even when eating in a restaurant, he takes the finished bottle home and saves it as pocket money. Father is used to working hard all his life.

My father has a hobby. He loves to drink and never stops. As long as I can remember, my father has been drinking three meals a day. The wine my father drinks is very common in the local area. He drank 50 cents a catty of slate rice wine very early, and after moving to Jingshan, he also drank five or six pieces of a catty of sorghum wine for decades. Once, when I came back from an interview in Maotai Town, Guizhou Province, I brought him some local Moutai to taste, but he was not used to it.

Father loves wine, but he is never picky about whether there is food on the table. I remember when I was a child, my father often asked for a bowl of salted peas or a plate of thousands of money seeds as an appetizer. Most of the time, my father always cooks by himself, and the dishes he cooks are delicious, especially the shredded green pepper and eel he fried, which are fresh and tender in hot oil. And his fried peppers, moldy tofu and pickles are all delicious and memorable. Now, we can't eat my father's fried dishes anymore.

Father loves to drink, but I have never seen him get drunk because of drinking. He swallowed the ups and downs of life alone. He seldom scolds our children, no matter whether they are good at school or not, and whether there is any contradiction between husband and wife after marriage, he seldom blames them except for encouragement. Regarding children's studies and exams, he feels that it is good to try his best; As for marriage and family, it is good for a family to be kind. He said that a person's ability is always limited, and you can't get what you want. As long as you have a dream, it is commendable to work hard for it. Don't always compare other people's money. He is honest, does not fight, does not fight with the world, and works silently all his life. Under the guidance of this kind of ideological education, several of our children and his grandson have also been admitted to first-class universities.

After 2000, my father was seriously ill twice. One time, in 2007, he had a cholecystectomy due to gallstones. Once, on 20 18, tongji hospital installed a pacemaker for heart disease. However, my father recovered well. He can still eat and drink, and his ears are bright and his mind is clear. He watches Journey to the West and swords every day, and sometimes he plays mahjong with the old people in the yard. But in the last two years, my father's alcohol consumption is not as good as before, and he can't even drink one or two cups per meal. Every time he pours wine on the table, he adds a little tea to the wine to make it weak. Father said that one day he couldn't drink any more and his life came to an end.

Fourth, staring at my father seems to be a constant yearning.

In the summer of July and August, my father was still in good health. Every day after dinner, he and his mother go for a walk in the People's Square, and they can turn around the People's Square three or five times. He walks so fast that he always leaves his mother behind. At that time, I never thought that my father would not live in 2020.

As October approaches, the weather is a little cold. My mother suddenly told me that my father's diet is not as good as before, maybe at the end of this year and early next year, let us go to the cemetery to choose a cemetery when we are free.

Perhaps I was worried that my father had really left, and I also blamed my mother for saying something unlucky. Because my father suffers from heart disease, lung disease, thyroid disease, enteritis and other comprehensive diseases, he always has to be hospitalized once or twice a year. I thought he would get better as before, and he could drink water from a cup soon. But no.

Father always complains of pain from head to neck to heart. He is afraid of getting cancer. So, I decided to take him to tongji hospital during the National Day holiday to find out.

10 year 10 3, the weather was cold. During the National Day holiday, I drove my father to tongji hospital to see a doctor again.

The car was driving on the highway, but I was full of thoughts. 20 12, 10, 20 18 in February. I took my parents to Tongji to see a doctor. Once my mother had cataract surgery and once my father had a pacemaker. Both actions saved the situation.

I went to tongji hospital to see a doctor this time, but it was still a sea of people. Due to the epidemic situation, it is very difficult to see a doctor, and it is necessary to scan the health code everywhere. The elderly father ran from upstairs to downstairs, from the hotel to the hospital, from the clinic to the examination room, exhausted.

The bed in the hotel next to the hospital is very soft, and the air conditioner is fully open, which is very warm and comfortable. During meal time, I ordered food through the US delegation and delivered the food to my room. Every time, it was vegetarian. But I found that my father ate half a bowl of rice porridge every meal, and didn't eat much other dishes. Sleep at night, toss and turn, get up many times.

I stayed in Wuhan for three days. I checked my father's pacemaker surgery, thyroid and neck enhancement CT, and found no cancer he was worried about. In addition, my father is distressed by the cost in the hotel every day, clamoring to go home, but he can only return to Jingshan.

After coming back from Wuhan, my father was admitted to the People's Hospital. I stayed in the hospital for a week, but I still didn't eat or drink, and I still cried and said that my body hurts here and there. The tumor metastasis written in the doctor's diagnosis is recommended to be referred to a higher-level hospital for diagnosis and treatment. In this case, my father returned home after he was discharged from the hospital, and went to see a doctor after his preparations were stable.

After I came back, my father's illness got worse every day. I stayed in a nearby community hospital for three days, but I still didn't get better. At this time, he can't even drink porridge He only drinks a little honey water every day to maintain himself, and his body is getting thinner day by day, so he can't bear to look straight. Sometimes sitting is not, and lying is not. Father is sleepy most of the time, and he is miserable when he is awake. We can talk to him and touch the painful place with our hands to make him feel better.

65438+1October 3 1, the fifteenth day of the ninth lunar month, which is my mother's birthday. My uncle, aunt (my father's younger brother and sister), as well as my menstruation, my uncle and other relatives all came to visit my father. Father greeted and shook hands with them one by one, but he wanted to talk, but he couldn't say it.

I stood beside my father when he left. In the afternoon 13: 20, father's breathing stopped. When he left, his eyes opened and tears ran down his eyes. I think he should be thinking about his grandchildren who went to college and didn't see him for the last time. He left us forever with infinite attachment to the world, reluctance and regret.

Father is like a candle with the last tear in a tributary. I gently closed my father's eyes with my hand and watched him sleep peacefully and go away.

Parents are there, and life is still there; With parents gone, there is only one way home in life. After my father left, I was breathless and depressed for a few days. I often think that if we had transferred our father to a bigger and better hospital in time according to the doctor's advice, we might have lived longer; If I insist on keeping my father in Wuhan for medical treatment on National Day; If I take a few days off to accompany my father to the provincial capital to see a doctor instead of preparing the speech materials for the graduation ceremony of the party school that year; If we all pay more attention to and care about our father's illness, it may not be the case. There is really no if ... once you lose your loved ones in your life, you will understand the truth: except life and death, everything is a trivial matter that can be ignored.

After his father left, his mother cleaned his clothes and found a note written by his father in the corner of an old wooden box. 1937 was born, 1958 joined the work, 1960 joined the party. At his father's memorial service, the head of the Agricultural Bank recalled his father's ordinary and poor life. "60 years of party age." Immersed in a very sad atmosphere, I stared at my father's portrait and heard this sentence clearly. Perhaps this is the best evaluation of my father's life by the organization.

On the morning of June 5438+065438+1October 2, 2020, I gently placed my father's urn in Mabaoquan Cemetery. Standing on the top of my father's grave overlooking the city, it's easy to find my home. (Huang Xiaoming)