I am asking for some English reading jokes~~~Just try to be short articles~~~Who can help me?

Just search for it

This is what I found

1. How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English. "

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Chinese Translation

"Mr. Judge, how unfair it is that my client has been accused of stealing. He arrived in New York just a week ago and barely knows his way around. Moreover, he can only speak "A few English words."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"

The defendant raised his head and said, "Give me your wallet." ! "

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"

The husband showed his wife the results of a survey in order to prove to her that women are more verbose than men. Research shows that men use an average of 15,000 words per day, while women use 30,000 words per day.

The wife thought for a while and said that women speak twice as many words as men every day because they have to repeat what they have already said.

He asked: "What?"

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, if you sit down, my seat will be empty too.

4.

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

"Oh, nothing , Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

"But has he finished his own cake?"

< p>"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

"Tom, what's wrong with your brother?" Mom asked in the kitchen. "He's crying."

"It's okay, Mom," Tom replied. "I'm eating my cake. He's crying because I won't give it to him."

"Has he finished his own?"

"Yes." " When I helped him finish eating, he also cried.

"

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends say, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

Passerby A said to Passerby B, "Guess how much money I have in my pocket?" "

Passenger B said: "I guessed it right, can you give me a guess? "

Passerby A said: "If you guess correctly, I will give you both! "

2009-6-6 The difference between graduate students and undergraduate students

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."

A teacher said in a graduate engineering class: "I can see it at a glance. Which ones are undergraduate students and which ones are graduate students? " "When I say 'good afternoon', the undergraduate replies 'good afternoon', while the graduate student writes this sentence down in his notebook. "

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?

Tom: Every month.

Dad: Tell me Tom, which month has 28 days?

Tom: Every month has 28 days!

2009-6-4making faces

< p>Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Miss Smith discovered that one of her students was The Sunday school teacher smiled sweetly and said, "Bobby, when I was little, someone told me that if I did. If I make a face, my face will become stiff and it will always look ugly. "

Bobby looked up at the teacher and said, "Miss Smith, don't say no one warned you. "

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."

A man took a friend to visit his grandmother.

While he was chatting with her. At one point, his friend started eating peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all.

When they left, his friend said to his grandmother: "Thank you for the peanuts."

As a result, my grandmother said: "Alas! Since I lost all my teeth, I can only Suck off the chocolate on the outside of the peanuts. "

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

A father planned to Let your son know how terrible alcohol is.

He compared two bugs in a glass of water and a glass of whiskey. The bugs in the clear water were safe and sound, but the bugs in the whiskey curled up a few times and died.

"So, son," the father asked, "what conclusion have you drawn?"

"Well, this means that as long as you drink alcohol, there will be no worms in your stomach. ! "

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

"Doctor," he said, " you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

中文 Translation:

A poor looking man walked into the doctor's consulting room.

"Doctor!" he said, "Help me! I swallowed a penny a month ago!"

"Oh my god," said the doctor, "Why did you go there so early? Why didn't you come to see me then? "

"To tell you the truth, doctor," the poor man said, "I was not short of money at that time!"

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? One or twice?

Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Boy: Hi, have we dated before, once or twice, I forgot.

Girl: Probably only once. I never make the same mistake twice.

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"

"To be deaf," replied the boy.

"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.

"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.

During a music school entrance exam, the teacher asked one of the boys: "What is the most important physical quality for a musician? "

"Deaf," the boy replied.

"Nonsense!" the teacher said angrily.

"What's the matter, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked contemptuously.

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

Bartender: " That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

A man was sitting in a bar, extremely sad.

Bartender: "What's wrong with you? Are you having a conflict with your wife?"

Man: "We had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."< /p>

Bartender: "Then you should be happy!"

Man: "No, today is the last day of the month."

Laughter2009-5 -27

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. . A man never worries about the future before he marries a wife.

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

If a man wants something that is worth 1 yuan but sells for 2 yuan, he will buy it; and for a woman, even if it is something she does not want, if it is worth 2 yuan but only sells for 1 yuan, she will also buy it. purchase.

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time . Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"

Boys will be completely prohibited from entering the girls' dormitory, and girls will also not be allowed in the boys' dormitory.

"No matter who commits the violation, the first offender will be fined $20. The second offense will be fined $60. The third time offender will be fined $180. Any questions?"

p>

At this time, a male student in the crowd asked, "So how much does a season pass cost?"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: You might as well just give me the money.

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.

Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.

p>

Doctor: It sounds like your cough is getting better today.

Patient: That should be the case. I practiced all night last night.

2009-5-21

Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."

Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."

Pete: "The last time I went hunting, I fell from Falling off a very high cliff, believe it or not, when I fell, I thought about all the stupid things I had ever done."

Bob: "You must have fallen off a mountain. "

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't 't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

The two boys spent the night with their grandparents, who knelt beside the bed to do bedtime prayer. The younger brother prayed hoarsely: "I pray for a bicycle, a new DVD..."

The elder brother nudged him: "Why are you shouting and praying? God is not deaf."

The younger brother replied: "God is not deaf, but grandma is deaf."

"

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"

"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"

The patrol officer spotted a woman knitting a sweater while driving, so he drove up and said, "Pull over (pullover)!" "

"No," she replied, "It's a pair of socks! "