Who has some classic jokes to share?

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "... cake."

A hundred-dollar bill gave my son a five-dollar wallet for the Spring Festival and a big red envelope. The five-dollar bill opened the red envelope with joy and found that it was his mother.

Panda man wants QJ panda woman, and panda woman struggles and resists to the death. Panda man said angrily after the failure:

"We are all going extinct ~ ~ ~!"

The panda girl was taken to the zoo for breeding, and the experts decided to artificially inseminate her.

Panda Man: "Disgusting ~ ~ So you like people and animals."

Xiaomi: "Mom, I'm hungry!" " "

Mi's mother: "lovely, dad can't find a job and there is no food at home."

Xiaomi: "But I'm hungry ~ ~ ~"

Mother Mi: "Alas ... OK, you can borrow some pickles next door, and I'll boil bath water for your father."

One day, there was a fudge walking in the street.

As she was walking, she suddenly said, "Oh, dear! My legs are so soft! "

A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

Once upon a time, there was a dog who took a dump, but it was separated by four. ...

The owner saw a button stuck on the dog's P chain.

One day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They took a Shandong pie and two cans of underwater chicken and set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor, unloaded their equipment and prepared to eat. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good boy! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go and get back! 」

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! 」

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "Wife ... shall we eat first?" ? I was so hungry that I said ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Well ... wait for him for another five years, or let him go! 」

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years and finally got it! I hate being cheated! 」

A lumberjack applied for a job.

Go to the Woods ahead and see ... see how many trees you can saw in a minute. .....

In a minute. ....

Foreman: Wow ... 20 trees a minute ... amazing ... where did you work before?

Worker: Sahara forest ......

Foreman: Never heard of it ... I only heard of the Sahara Desert. ......

Worker: yes ... then I changed my name!

Wife: Before I married you, I was really blind and stepped in shit.

Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you.

...

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ..

Cloudy night

A group of girls' school students are playing disc fairy in the dormitory. Suddenly,

They kept screaming! ! !

The seniors upstairs hurried into their dormitory.

I saw the plates on their desks spinning at a breakneck speed.

Amazingly fast, and horribly fast.

"Oh, no! What did you do? "

Senior realized that the situation is wrong, hurriedly asked

"We ..." The junior girl said.

"We just asked how fast it could turn ...? "

Electrical appliances held a joke-telling contest,

It is stipulated that every electrical appliance should tell a joke.

Let all the audience laugh,

Otherwise you will be taken to Aruba. First, the washing machine,

As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous desk lamp.

The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.

The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

Just as the magic lamp was about to be taken to Aruba,

The rice cooker stood up angrily.

Turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said:

"I've had enough of your laughter. Don't open your mouth so wide and cold."

A pair of nude statues have stood face to face in the park for decades. One day, Cupid, the god of love, came to them and said, "It must be depressing for you two to look at each other every day, but you can't do it. Today I want you to be human and do what you want! " But only fifteen minutes. "

Say that finish, the two statues turned into people, and the two men immediately jumped into the grass, and the haystack rustled. ...

Ten minutes later, they jumped out of the grass. Cupid said, "Alas, there are still five minutes. Enjoy it again. "

Say that finish, the two men looked at each other, smiled and jumped into the grass. ...

I vaguely heard the female statue say to the male statue, "I pinned this pigeon down, and now it's your turn to shit on its head."

When a millionaire drove a luxury extended Lincoln through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass at the roadside to eat. The millionaire stopped at once.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered.

"Call them," the rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call home, too."

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"Never mind, just call them all."

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

At the beginning of the new semester, every boy has to go on stage to introduce himself. When a handsome guy introduced himself, the host asked, "Have you ever been mistaken for a girl?"

"Of course," the boy disagreed. "When I was a child, my teacher always treated me like a girl, until one day I shaved all my hair in a rage."

"The teachers must be very surprised?"

"well! But what surprised me most was not the teacher, but the boy who had been carrying my schoolbag very diligently for a year. "

There was a man who ventured alone in the forest.

Suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals.

So he shouted to the sky:

"I'm dead, God help me!"

I see a light in the sky.

There is a voice:

"Not necessarily,

Then you pick up a big stone on the ground,

Kill the leader. "

So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground,

Hit the chief hard,

Shoot the director directly.

All the people stayed for a while,

And glared at each other,

Then there was a voice in the sky:

"Now you are really dead."

Six-year-old Xiao Fang is so cute that she is often proposed by boys in her class.

One day, Xiao Fang came home and said to his mother, "Mom! Xiao Qiang proposed to me today, proposed to me ... "

Mother casually said, "Does he have a regular job?"

Xiao Fang thought for a moment and said, "He is in charge of cleaning the blackboard in our class."

Xiaohua, did you use my pencil?

Xiaohua: No, I'm useless.

Bug: Are you really useless?

Xiaohua: I'm so useless!

Bug: Alas, you are the17th person to admit that you are useless.

When the vampire bats came back covered in blood, they were very envious and asked him where he got so much blood. It takes the bat to a big tree.

Q: Did you see that big tree?

Answer: Yes.

It: he NND, I didn't see it.

A mental hospital was clamored to be discharged by a group of patients, and the dean relaxed the rules. All patients who want to leave the hospital must pass the following tests:

Dean: Where are the eyes?

Patient: Here are the eyes (pointing to the eyes).

Dean: Where is the nose?

Patient: This is the nose (pointing to the nose).

Dean: Where are the ears?

Patient: The ear is here (pointing to the ear).

As long as the position can be correctly pointed out, the patient can leave the hospital.

One day, Patient A applied for discharge and passed the above test, so he happily went back to the ward to pack his bags and prepare for discharge. Patient b in the same ward cried in surprise, "impossible, impossible, your condition is worse than mine, and I can't pass." How can I live? " 」

Patient A said, "Shh ~ Don't tell anyone, I use my back! 」

Yitianguang snack street

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?"

Shop assistant: "No, it's from Japan."

The legend of red beans and mung beans

One day, a mung bean jumped from a place 20 stories high.

As a result ... he became.

A seed of love ...

Because he's bleeding

-

Later, the red bean went home to wash away the blood.

After taking a shower and getting wet, I went outside to bask in the sun.

Sunbathing ... accidentally fell asleep ~ ~

When he woke up, he found himself a "dried bean curd"

-

Two days later:

The dried beans began to peel off because of sunburn.

After peeling, it turns back into mung beans.

Neighbors nearby were surprised and thought it was a bolt from the blue.

So you respectfully call this mung bean thunderbolt bean.

The peeled skin was put in a museum exhibition called bean skin.

-

In other words, one day, a red bean came to Thunderbolt Bean (mung bean) and talked about the general trend of the world (known as "peas see the world" in history).

The two beans talked very well, and both thought that the world was a fragmented world and needed beans to lead.

As a result, when Red Beans came home, they began to collect Red Beans from all over the world. Finally, they established the Red Bean Country in Southwest China and the Mung Bean Country in Northwest China.

After the founding of Red Bean Country, Red Bean thought it should have a good title like Thunderbolt Bean.

So red beans call themselves emperors, and history calls them emperor beans.

Later generations of beans also wrote a five-character quatrain for this purpose, the content is

When those red berries come in spring,

****×。

****×,

****×。

Too old to take the exam in the future.

-

Since the establishment of Hongdou, Dou Di has been addicted to harem beauties every day.

Often peeking at concubines taking a bath leads to corns in their eyes, which are called bean corns.

In mung bean country, Thunderbolt heard that Dou Di was addicted to women and ignored political affairs.

So, four generals (so-called green beans) were invited.

Prepare to conquer the red bean country in the south

The armies of the two countries confronted each other by the stream, and the beans suffered heavy casualties and died by the stream.

The process of decomposing a corpse is called tofu.

The bodies of these soldiers were exposed to the sun and turned into dried beans.

Later generations called these soldiers who died by the stream dried tofu. ...

-

Speaking of red beans and mung beans after the civil war ~ ~

Because Dou Di neglected state affairs for too long, the war situation was defeated again and again.

So I decided to marry princess red bean to mung bean country for peace.

The king of mung bean kingdom, thunderbolt bean, is famous for its beauty.

So he promised a truce and married Princess Hongdu as his concubine (commonly known as Natto), and the civil war finally subsided.

Ever since I got natto, I like it very much. I eat natto every day. It's really lucky.

Two years later, Princess Natto gave birth to a son with purple skin (half-blood), which is quite imperial.

Thunderbolt bean was very happy to see the child. Its skin color was purple, so it was named "Purple Thunderbolt".

-

Purple thunderbolt loved animals since he was a child, so when purple thunderbolt was five years old,

Give him the riding skills of Purple Thunderbolt when he was fighting in various places as a gift. This is the dragon of the south.

Known as doudoudou dou long.

There was a historian named Soybean in the State of Jin.

Soybeans like to enjoy flowers very much, so they are named tofu pudding.

This soybean, he loves wine very much, almost addicted to it.

One night, Soybean was drunk.

Walking while drinking, I came to the stable and saw Doudoulong.

As a result, I got drunk and had sex with Doudoulong.

Three months later, Doudoulong gave birth to a son.

It is bean-shaped and covered with long hair. Purple thunderbolt thought the fairy gave it to the child.

Specially named: edamame ~ ~

When edamame was born, it didn't like to drink milk. Seeing that edamame is getting thinner and thinner,

Violet was very worried, so he hired everyone to find a way together.

Later, soybean invented the formula of milk and honey, and edamame was perfect.

Purple thunderbolt named this formula: honey soybean milk ~ ~

-

Words: Dou Di, who was almost destroyed last time, was depressed because of his defeat.

Drinking alone every night, sighing at the full moon ... alas ...

When the servants saw it, they all thought that Dou Di was sighing because he didn't like the moon.

In this way, the story has been handed down.

Someone even wrote a song called ~ ~: "Bean" is caused by the moon ~ ~

-

One day, Satan felt that there was no business recently and wanted to make a stir.

Satan asked around and learned that Dou Di had always wanted to explore the northern mung bean country.

So he sent a demon to help Dou Di.

The demon king was immediately reused after he came to the red bean country.

Doudou Emperor named him Magic Bean, and ordered him to lead an army to the Northern Expedition of Mung Bean Country.

Violet thunderbolt was very angry when he heard the wind, and immediately sent green beans (hey ~ long time no see) to send troops to fight.

The two armies met again on both sides of Daxi, and the magic bean saw the green bean bravely.

I think I should do my best, so I whispered:

Summon a monster from Brazil by magic,

Swallowing mung beans in an instant, the mung bean army fled in tears.

Later generations called this monster ~ ~: Croton Demon.

-

With the help of Croton Demon, the Red Bean Army gained great morale and was invincible.

Purple thunderbolt was very nervous after learning about the war situation, and immediately held a military meeting to discuss countermeasures.

At this time, the holy capital Shi Xing shit, which has always appeared in the name of holiness, came here to preach.

Being arched out by everyone as a general, the helpless St. Doudou Star Shit had to go out with the bean skin.

The two armies of Red Mung Bean fought again, and the situation remained deadlocked. Magic beans seek a quick victory.

So he called the croton demon out again, and St. Dou Shi saw the croton demon eating mung beans in the back line.

He was startled and exclaimed, "Wow, Croton devil."

After a while, Saint Dou Shi calmed down a little, not to be outdone, and invited the messenger of justice ~ ~ Gadullah.

As soon as Gadou appeared, it immediately used the unique stunt of CAMBRIAN era, eternal frozen gas wave,

Cut the croton demon into strips of popsicles, and the red bean army was completely frozen.

Later, people called the frozen red bean army: bean stiff

-

Since the croton demon was killed, the Red Bean Army did not dare to act rashly and retreated to the south bank of Daxi.

Magic Bean, who tasted defeat at the first time, suggested to Didou to build an earth wall along the south of Daxi to prevent the mung bean army from invading.

Dou Di thinks it makes sense, but after a long period of war, the state treasury is empty and it is really unable to pay huge expenses.

At this time, a local rich man heard about Dou Di's difficulties and volunteered to contribute to national construction.

When the emperor heard these words, the letter was very happy and named him ~ ~ potato.

Potatoes are kind-hearted, which makes the people in the red bean country very grateful.

Later generations all respect him ~ ~ potato kernel ~ ~

-

Potato kernel didn't like reading when he was a child.

Every time I go to school, I secretly climb the wall to play.

Once a silkworm baby seller came outside the school.

Potato kernel bought two baby silkworms and kept them at home.

I didn't expect to learn more and more.

Finally, potato kernels become rich by selling silk.

When he grew up, Potato Kernel wrote a book about sericulture experience.

From generation to generation, it has become a family heirloom and is known as the ~ ~ broad bean book.

-

A summer ~ ~

It's really hot,

People from Red Bean Country and Mung Bean Country all went to Daxi to soak in water ~ ~

But the sun is getting bigger and bigger and the weather is getting hotter and hotter.

Even the water in Daxi is boiling,

Therefore, people in red bean country and mung bean country are boiled into red bean and mung bean soup ~ ~

In this way, everything becomes red bean and mung bean soup ~ ~

A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans, "You have a good physique and are in charge of coolies. 」

He said to the French, "You said you were an engineer in charge of the mining plan. 」

To the Japanese, he said, "You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. 」

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out.

Shout out:

"surprise! 」

During World War II, a German officer asked a Swiss officer, "How many of you can fight?"

"500,000."

"What would you do if I sent 6.5438+0 million troops into your country?"

"Then we have to shoot twice each."

An international student is taking a driver's license test in the United States, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He is not sure, ask the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wearing black clothes and holding a black umbrella every day, squatting in front of the hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black with a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two men were silent for a month.

Finally, the old lady said:

I'm sorry ...

Are you a mushroom, too

One day, a female drug addict was arrested in the police station.

The police saw a tattoo on her hand.

Just ask her why you have your boyfriend's name tattooed on your hand.

His name is Xiao Liang, isn't it ... Ah ... isn't it? Let's go

Say, is he taking drugs? Say it.

I saw the female drug addict raise her head with angry eyes.

Say to the police

.

.

.

.

.

.

This is hate. ....

This story tells us ... it is best not to gain weight after tattooing-_-! !

Xiao Bai, Huang Xiao and Xiao Lan take a long-distance bus. Who gets carsick?

Answer: Xiao Bai, because Xiao Bai will vomit (white rabbit).

A high school boy called his girlfriend in the middle of the night to fall in love.

Unfortunately, the girl's mother received it. After asking the purpose, my girlfriend's mother was very unhappy and asked, "What's your last name? 」

The boy said, "My surname is Wei. 」

Mother asked again, "What happened to Wei? 」

At this time, the man nervously replied: "I don't know why? My father's surname is Wei, too 」

"I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. 」

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

The pig said, "people who fart will blush." 」

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

One day, a man met God. ..

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ....

God asked ...

Do you have any wishes? ...

The man thought about it. ...

I heard that cats have nine lives. ...

Then please give me nine lives. ..

God said, ..

Your wish has come true. ....

One day, the man was idle and bored. ...

If you want to say death, forget it. ...

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ....

As a result, a train passed by. ....

That man is still dead. ...

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ...

A man in China once went to Spain on business.

There was a dance one night, and the man took his wife to attend, but when he got to the meeting,

The dance had already started, so he dragged his wife to the empty dance floor.

The two of them danced! After the music, I found all the people beside the dance floor, staring at them.

The man ... he asked his Spanish friend, "why don't you dance together?" 」

His Spanish friend said, "... that's the Spanish national anthem! ! 」

There are three mosquitoes showing their flying skills.

Bitch farted for a long time, and she was flushed with noise.

They couldn't tell who was the winner, so they decided to show each other off.

The British mosquito attacked first and saw him fly to a frog.

I walked around him a few times,

When I came back, I saw the frog's tongue tied with a slipknot.

He proudly said, I'll tell you!

In my hometown, if you don't have this ability, you will soon be finished!

American mosquito sneered twice: Hum! Carving worms, not to mention! !

So he flew to two frogs,

Go back and forth between them several times,

When they came back, the tongues of the two frogs formed a fast knot.

He said, humph! In my hometown, you have to live like this!

China Mosquito replied disdainfully: Just kidding!

In our hometown, we have never seen such bad technology!

British and American mosquitoes said unconvinced, you said this! ? How capable do you think you are?

So China mosquitoes flew to a group of frogs and shuttled among them several times.

When I came back, I saw the frogs' tongues locked together.

It became a ... "Chinese knot" ...