Short, modern, funny stand-up comedy script, don't want "Journey to the West"

The Year of the Rat talks about the Olympics

A Now let me tell you some good news! A huge piece of good news!

B What’s the good news? It makes you so excited!

A The good news is that the Year of the Rat is here!

B I thought this was good news! Hi! What good news!

A You don’t know! This is the greatest good news in the world!

B As for that!

A There is more!

B What else?

A Another thing is----I am a rat!

B Hi! What did I think it was? If you were born in the Year of the Rat, you will catch up with the Yin Mao, Heavenly Stems and Earthly Branches, so there is no need to make a fuss!

A

You don’t know! I am a rat and I am different from others! I was born in the Year of the Rat from the day I was born, and I haven’t changed it until now! No matter how those who were born in the year of chicken, duck, goose and dog tempted me, I never changed! And no matter how those tigers, elephants, venomous snakes and beasts threatened me, I never wavered!

B. Listening to what you said, it seems that everyone else is doing the same thing every three days. Let me tell you! No one else has changed it!

A Even if I haven’t changed, I may not be as loyal to my duties and love my zodiac sign so devotedly. I belong to the rat when I stand, and I don’t belong to anything else when I lie down!

B It seems that you really have a soft spot for this rat!

A Of course! I have known this rat since childhood! oops! I'm so happy! I am so happy that I dance and cry every day!

B Right! Not only were you crying, you were also peeing on the bed!

A Since the day I was born in the Year of the Rat, I have been thinking about it all day long, oops! This rat is really good! This rat is so great! This rat is great! This rat is----

B Hey-----what do you mean! Do you want everyone in the world to follow you as a rat?

A I mean, I thought about it three times, and then I came up with a decision.

B Oh! There is still a decision!

A Yes! I have decided that from now on I will always be born in the Year of the Rat! Even if you ask me to change my zodiac sign to cat, I won’t do it!

B Look at your beauty, aren’t you just a rat? What's the big deal? Besides, you're not the only one who is a rat. One-twelfth of the people in the country are rats!

A

How about we be more civilized! In front of so many people, you always talk about how ugly mice are. Let’s not talk about nicknames today, just talk about big names, okay? Let me tell you, the name of the rat is Rat, which is the rat of the rat!

B Say your name? All right! Then let’s talk about Rat, being civilized is a good thing!

A

You talk about civilization! I really want to praise you, you are quite smart! You can tell the answer to such a difficult Rat question by just opening your mouth. With so many people in the country, you can calculate that one in 12 people are born in the Year of the Rat. It’s really not easy! Fortunately, you are not born in the Year of the Rat. What if you were born in the Year of the Rat! That head must be smarter than it is now!

B This is not a compliment to me! Have you ever praised anyone so much?

A Yes! Why don't you look at the special medicines sold in stores that are specially produced for us rats? They don't even need to advertise, but they are so popular!

B What kind of medicine?

A Rat Exterminator!

B That is specially used to eliminate rats!

A

No! This is specially used to kill the aura of mice, so that the mice will become more normal after eating it. To put it bluntly, mice are too smart, too spiritual, too proud, too powerful, too mighty, too lucky, too noble, too great, too-----

B Stop it! Stop it! Who are you talking about?

A, talk about rats! Who else can have so many advantages besides talking about rats!

B Anyway, I know there is an old saying.

A This is to praise the mouse! Just one sentence! Just one sentence will do! Tell me quickly, what an old saying it is!

B Listen carefully, this is: "When a rat crosses the street, everyone shouts to beat it!"

A This sentence is so good! It speaks to my heart! If you don’t say it!

B Why don’t you say anything?

A If you don’t tell me, I have to tell you myself!

B This is what I mean! Aren't you afraid of people shouting and beating you?

A

To be honest, when I heard this slogan in the past, I was so frightened that I didn’t even dare to cross the road! This year is different! I just love hearing this sentence, especially the word "hit". The higher the shout, the happier I am!

B What happened this year?

A This year is the Year of the Rat!

B Co-author There is nothing to be afraid of in the Year of the Rat! You have the guts to get fat!

A

Of course! Have you never heard: In the year of the rat, you can do whatever you want to make money! The mouse is in charge, so do whatever you want! The mouse pulls the shovel, but the big head is behind! The mouse dances like a backgammon, and the mouse sings like a thief (good) Wow!

B No matter how loud you are, you can’t stop everyone from beating you!

A Who to hit? Hit me! Not at all!

B Aren’t you a rat? If I don't beat you, who will? If I don’t beat you, I’d be sorry to the audience!

A I say it again, you are not hitting me!

B Aren’t you a rat? Why don't I hit you?

A Let me ask you, is this Year of the Rat the same as other years?

B I don’t see any difference! There are always more days and nights, spring, summer, autumn and winter pass by in turn. 365 days divided by 12 months, what do you think is the difference?

A If I say it’s different, it’s different. There is a big event in this Year of the Rat. It is a big happy event that has never happened in other years! Did you know?

B

Who doesn’t know? It’s the 2008 Olympics! This matter is a household name and everyone knows it! From the grandparents who are over a hundred years old and have no teeth, to the grandchildren who are three months and two months old and have not yet had their teeth, everyone knows this!

A

Hey! If you say you are smart, you are smart. If you stand together with people born in the Year of the Rat today, you will be exposed to the aura of the Rat. You see, as soon as I started talking, you guessed that it was the Olympic Games. Do you think this Olympics is a competition? Come out?

B What are you talking about! How did the Olympics come about?

A The Olympic Games are made through fighting! Are you saying these projects won’t work? Table tennis, play! Basketball, play! Tennis, play! Shoot, hit! Wrestling, fighting! Skate and hit!

B Hey-----I’ve never heard of skating being called skating!

A: We don’t call it that way anymore. In the past, we called it “Tai”!

B It used to be called playing ice?

A It’s not called skating, it’s called “skating”!

B What a beating!

A Yes! The more you shout to fight, the happier you are, and the more you shout to fight, the more you can win the battle!

B Not only this sentence, but also several others! For example, "Wolf rushes and mouse jumps". This word sounds harsh, right?

A

How pleasant it sounds! This is to praise us! Think about it! On the sports field, which one is faster, the running speed or the jumping speed? As soon as the starting gun was fired, the wolf was still running forward, while the rat jumped forward and with a "pop", it was here! Do you think this is praising the rat?

B Don’t tell me, jumping is faster than running! Then there is another sentence called "rat head and rat brain". How do you explain it?

A Oops! What a good word! This is not only praise, this is simply praise!

B I have never heard of anyone using this word to praise others! "Hey! Lao Wang! You're a very good person, but you've always been a fool!" When I say this, people have to give me a pair of shoes!

A

You don’t know this! It seems like you have never participated in the Olympics! On the sports field, the team leaders and coaches are very smart and intelligent. They are running at supersonic speeds every minute and every second. Adjusting the game plan at any time, sometimes attacking, sometimes defending, just like the commander-in-chief on the battlefield. The first condition to be a good coach and commander is that you must have a rat head and a rat brain to ensure accurate command and victory in every battle!

B He is such a rat-headed rat-brain!

A If you have any other words to praise us, just say them!

B Of course! That phrase "short-sighted" was also used to praise you?

A

This is easier to understand. This is a professional vocabulary. For example, a shooter looks forward and holds a weapon in his hand, ah, that is, a gun. After aiming at the bullseye in front of him, he must aim at the crosshair on the gun. How far is the crosshair from the eye, that is, how many inches? ! If you aim at the bull's-eye and look into the distance, when you fire the shot, you may not know where the bullet will go.

B This word is really professional!

A Not only are these things inseparable from the rat, but almost everything in the Olympics is inseparable from the rat!

B We are talking about the Olympic Games. Make no mistake, we are not talking about the Mouse Club!

A That’s right! I'm talking about the Olympics!

B Why can’t everything be done without rats?

A Let’s start with those who cheer for the athletes in the stands.

B Come on, just come on, what does it have to do with mice!

A, listen! "Come on! You are the best!" "Come on! You are the best!" "Come on! You are the fastest!" Are these slogans relevant?

B What a rat!

A There is more! After the game, go to the podium and have a look, hey! Our Chinese athletes are all the best. The one who is number one is the champion, and the one who is number two is the runner-up. Do you think there are any rats here?

B Co-author The people standing on the podium are all rats!

A

There is also the service staff in our restaurant, who work tirelessly to prepare three meals every day and deliver them to the sports ground. The food is so delicious! They cook coarse grains carefully, and mice make perfect. The meals they make can not only replenish energy for the athletes, but also be dry and thin, with complete taste and different meals. The athletes who eat them are all strong and strong, and they run like mice on the field. Add wings!

B Wouldn’t we let the athletes eat rat meat? If it's like a mouse with wings, wouldn't it become a bird of prey (that is, a bat)?

A is not eating rat meat, but eating potatoes!

B Isn’t this rat meat and rat eaten in the same way?

A Rat meat is rat meat, and potato is potato.

B Then how do you eat this rat?

A Breakfast: fried potato shreds, millet pancakes and millet dregs porridge, lunch: French fries, millet flour cake and millet grain soup, dinner: stewed potato cubes, millet steamed buns and popcorn.

B What kind of rat are you?

A Potatoes and corns!

B Just give this to the athletes! It’s better to keep it for yourself!

A and our volunteers, facing the bright dawn every morning, come to the sports ground from all directions. Each of them carries a mouse bag on their shoulders, which contains their own lunch.

B. Did you bring something delicious?

A There are sweet potato chips, white potato chips, sweet potato chips, and cassava cubes.

B Let’s eat this for lunch!

They are so happy that A became a volunteer! I was happily singing love songs on the road!

B It is indeed a joy to be a volunteer! What love songs are they singing? How about you teach us a few sentences?

A I couldn’t learn the specific words, so I just remembered a song title.

B What’s your name?

A is the one that everyone likes to listen to and can sing----

B What?

A Count the treasures!

B Your Shu Laibao is sung!

A. There are also those policemen in charge of security, security guards, and People's Liberation Army rats-----

B. Why have they all become rats?

A Because it’s the Year of the Rat! Their headquarters has been renamed the police station!

B Oops! It doesn’t matter that you are a rat! Even the Public Security Bureau called the police station!

A There is also the announcer in charge of the weather forecast, who cannot do without rats every day!

B What is the relationship between weather forecast and rats? Even the wind, rain, lightning, and mice can't stand it!

A

Too good! If you don’t believe me, listen: Hello everyone! Today is August 8th, the first day of the opening of the Olympic Games. It is the hottest weather in Beijing. The lunar calendar season is a period of severe heatstroke. Athletes are reminded to prevent heat stroke and cool down. They must not suffer from heatstroke. After August, it will be September, and after September, it will be October. By then we will have good weather with cold and hot weather, and we won’t have heatstroke even if we don’t need to prevent heat stroke!

B Yes! By then it’s time to winterize!

A If you are afraid of heat stroke when it is too hot during your free time, don’t go out. It’s also good to watch the live broadcast of the game online with your wife at home.

B There are no rats this time!

A Why not? Aren’t you holding a mouse in your hand? Besides, your wife is your family member!

B What can I see on the Internet?

A

You can see it from beginning to end! Those who have won awards are among the best, those who have broken records are among the few, the coaches are all smart, the shooters are short-sighted, the runners are all winged, and the volunteers are all It's all a matter of life and death, as you look at it, a line of big words is typed on the computer screen!

B What big character?

A: Do you understand that "if you count the number of famous people, you still have to look at the current situation"? Rat romantic figure! ah!

B Do you think these romantic figures are all born in the Year of the Rat?

A It doesn’t matter if your zodiac sign is rat or not. Anyway, the Olympics are held in the Year of the Rat, and everything can be touched by the aura and blessings of the rat. As long as the rat participates, we are guaranteed to win the final victory!

B Look how beautiful you are, this Year of the Rat is really a bit exciting for all of you who were born in the Year of the Rat!

A You got the gold and silver medals! There are many! I kept counting, counting, and counting, but I couldn’t count them, I couldn’t count them, I couldn’t count them!

B There are too many to count, too many to count, hey! Why did I also follow the saying that it was a rat!

A I am so happy! My wife came in from outside, humming a song and walking forward.

B She can also sing the number of treasures!

A I can hear the words she sang clearly now.

B I heard it clearly this time. What word is it?

A are two mice, two mice, running fast, running fast!

B Why are there two mice?

A My wife is also a rat!

B Hi!