Jokes hit hard.

One day I bought two little turtles to raise at home, but my wife didn't like it and was disgusted with all kinds of things. I don't know how to put them down. These days, she was suddenly very kind to the little turtles and fed them all kinds of food. Until one day, she played computer and went to the toilet. I went to check and found that there are several big characters in Baidu search box, how to be a good turtle.

1, catch bugs from your own vegetable fields and throw them on your neighbors' leaves. He threw it and shouted, "It's good to catch up with my heart. Run for your life!" " If you meet someone else, you will be crushed to death. "

2. Go to my girlfriend's house by bus today. After getting off the bus, I want to see my hairstyle. There happened to be a car parked next to the cornfield on the roadside, so I went over and took all kinds of photos, using the rearview mirror and the window glass of the car. At this time, a dark cloud floated by and it was dark. I only saw those two people in the car in a hurry to get dressed! Brother, let me explain! Brother Wocao, let me explain!

3. I took the company elevator today and suddenly wanted to fart in the middle, but there were many people in the elevator, so I was afraid of being ashamed. But I can't. So I was ready to lose face and fart. Suddenly a brother burps in the elevator, and then fart fills the elevator. Everyone in the elevator looked at the brother, and he was staring at it himself. Sorry, man, I didn't mean to.

4. One day, Xiaoming, who went to kindergarten, ran to his father: "Dad, Dad, what rises in the east and falls in the west?" "Well, is it the sun?" "No, no, five words!" Dad thought for a moment and said, "Santa Claus grandson?" "Wrong, five words! Just those five words! " Dad thought for a long time and couldn't figure it out. At this moment, Xiao Ming said, "Idiot, it's the sun!" " "

Honey, can you accompany me to the gym? Woman: Are you saying I'm fat? Man: If you don't want to, forget it. Woman: Are you saying I'm lazy? Man: Baby, will you calm down? Woman: Do you mean I look like a crazy woman? M: That's not what I meant. W: Are you saying that I love to lie? Man: Well, you don't have to go. W: Wait, why did you go to the gym alone?

6, LZ I go home early after work every day, never go out to play with my colleagues, and rarely participate in company dinners. My colleagues were puzzled and asked me, "Why do you go home early every day?" I said, "Get down to business!" Colleagues are very surprised. What can I do when I go home? I said, "My wife's name is business ..."

7. A male colleague in the company is very black. Once he quarreled with his girlfriend, and the woman said, "Look at your long embarrassment and burn the boiler." The man said, "What's wrong with black? People call me a handsome African guy. " The woman smiled.

8. I went to the bathhouse to take a bath with my colleagues today. The water in the pool was a little hot, so I finally got down. The water reached my neck, and I chatted with my colleagues and said, "The water is really hot today." I made a tea blowing action with my mouth, and then I habitually took a sip. ...

9. There is a buddy who is in a long-distance relationship. Because I like my girlfriend very much, I am afraid that my feelings will fade for a long time, so I often buy things for my girlfriend online. At first, his girlfriend was very happy, so she received express delivery every three to five times. Later ... later ... my buddy's girlfriend hooked up with the courier.

10, a friend has a female friend in do miss. One day, a friend asked the woman, you are so beautiful that you can be a mistress. The woman said, "If I were a mistress, my heart would be dirty", which made my friends respect.

1 1. Every time I watch "Voice", when I see four tutors listening to students singing, I feel that their expressions are like squatting in a pit, then constipation, and then unobstructed! Praise me with the same feeling …

12, watch a little and talk about the car accident of the female host when she was young, and she lost her memory before she was three years old. what can I say? I didn't have a fucking car accident. I don't remember anything before I was five. Maybe I was born retarded.

13, a roadside stall last night,/kloc-six friends aged 0/0, 10 bottles of beer, drank them all, swore to each other and cried bitterly. It turns out that they have graduated from primary school and are reluctant to leave. Shit, is the baby swollen now?

14. There is a rumor in Weibo that when you sleep, you suddenly kick your leg because your brain thinks your body is dying, so it will send out a pulse to wake up your body. The real reason is that the brain thinks you will die if you live like this. That's good. Kick to celebrate.

15. I told my roommate that I had an appointment with a girl for the night. When I left home, my roommate reminded me: "Take safety measures and protect yourself, if you don't want me to lend it to you." "No, no, I have it myself." Then I immediately opened the drawer, dug out a knife and went out with it.

16, the husband of a female colleague gave her a meal and left without saying anything. Someone asked her, who is that man? She said delivery guy. Ask again, why not give money? She said she didn't have to give it. She just wants to sleep with him at night.

17. As a quality person, when I want to smoke, I will ask people around me if I can smoke. I'll smoke if others say yes. If someone says no, then I'll slap him first and then smoke.

18, that April fool's day, the teacher who never called the roll at ordinary times suddenly called the roll. Some students secretly took out their mobile phones to report secrets. The teacher saw it and said happily, "Just make a phone call and see who believes you." So this classmate hit the teacher and the teacher was killed ... This story is unbearable.

19, he took his girlfriend home and bit her ear gently on the way: "I'll show you my housekeeping skills later ..." "Damn it, people won't come!" The girlfriend said shyly. Arriving at the door, he immediately opened his arms in front of the door and said loudly, "I won't let you in!" " "

20. The craziest person in our company is the doorman. The old man is so stubborn that no one is afraid. He hit the office director, department manager and workshop worker. We are all afraid of him, even the chairman calls him dad when he sees him.

2 1, junior high school teachers hit people hard. Once, a classmate named Guo was asked to answer questions. That guy was stupid and didn't answer for a long time. The teacher can't stand it. He came up to him with a pointer and asked, "Guo, where are you strong?" The young man said trembling, "I am stronger than the forest." Everyone was silent for three seconds, and then they laughed wildly, hahahaha ... The teacher couldn't hold back, he didn't hit anyone in that class, and he never hit anyone again.

I feel that some women are really sentimental now. I just asked for directions, and she scolded me and even called the police. Hum! Unbelievable. When I put on my underwear, I must have a good theory with her.

23. I went to work by car this morning and sat next to an uncle. I suddenly yawned. Then the car braked suddenly, so I opened my mouth and kissed my uncle's face. My uncle gave me a look of disgust and left. Don't go, uncle. Listen to me!

24. At a party in our company, there were all kinds of drinks in KTV, such as whisky, green tea, gin and tonic, and red wine Sprite. Ask a colleague what to drink. He said: "Wang Laoji vs. Jiaduobao." ……

25. One day, my friends and I went to the library to buy a map. The friend said, "Boss, how much is the map?" Boss: "Three dollars each." The friend thought for a moment: "It's cheaper. Do you want to sell three pieces for ten dollars? " At this time, I thought, friends are stupid. This account, the boss bowed his head and thought for a moment and said, "no, young man, I don't do business that loses money." In an instant, I collapsed and my math teacher died young.

26. Today, the goddess asked me what I am good at. After a little thought, I said to her, "Below." I saw her blush and called me a rascal. I don't understand. I learned to eat 100 kinds of instant noodles in four years in college. Isn't that a specialty? What's wrong with girls now?

27. I'm going to lose weight and skip dinner at night. My mother advised me, "Daughter, you look good now. You don't need to lose weight. " I was moved to tears, or my mother felt sorry for me. Mom continued to persuade: "You used to pack leftovers. Who will eat them when you lose weight? " Tears really came out. ...

28. I drank too much last night and called the goddess for 20 minutes through alcohol. Wake up in the morning, the call time is 18 seconds …

29. In the subway, a man and a woman had a little friction and quarreled. The woman got off at the station. The woman just got off the bus, hesitated, rushed up and slapped the man, then turned and ran. As a result, a group of people rushed up and squeezed the woman back and didn't go down. Then the man rushed up and kicked the woman, and the woman hit back. After that, they began to beat and scold each other. Then after n stops, it didn't stop. Then suddenly a strong man shouted, "Damn it! I've seen you all standing there fighting! "

30. Express: Excuse me, is this a "little black dog"? Me: Are you ...? Express: I'm from JD.COM. Me: Xiao Mo, there's a delivery for you.

Editor's note: I remember an art class many years ago, and the teacher asked us to draw deskmates. I was very unhappy in that class because I drew my deskmate very well. But she painted me so ugly that I thought she was too boring. What makes me even more unhappy is that her paintings got the highest score in the class because they were "very realistic".

Hot jokes are popular.

Lead: This morning, I got up the courage to write a love letter to the goddess. When I passed him, I shoved it on him and ran away. I had just recovered when I returned to my seat. The letter was still in my drawer! Is it? ! I dare not think much, but I found that my menstrual towel is really gone …

1. Yesterday on the bus, I heard two little girls who looked like primary school chatting! "I think our class XXX is very beautiful!" The other said, "I think it's only temporary!" " Black is a lifetime! "Do your parents know such affection?

2. The story of a good friend. Go to the internet cafe with him all night in the summer vacation of the second grade. The next day, when he came home, his father sat on the sofa and told him to take a shower first. He went without much thought. After he took off his clothes, his father came in with a cane …

I am a traffic policeman. When resting in the police booth, you are often asked unreliable questions. For example, if I go shopping, you can watch my bike here. I often come to ask if there is a pump to pump up my bike. It's nothing. Once I was sitting in a police booth when a middle-aged woman suddenly came in. Ask me: Master, can you mend a tire here?

4. The teacher said: If you want to learn a course well, you should stick to it like chasing girls! Xiao Ming: Then try chasing nine at the same time! Teacher: Get out!

A successful person proudly shows off his achievements: I bought a house and the first step in life has been completed. Do you know what I plan to do next? God replied: Pay the mortgage slowly.

6. A high school classmate (male) who hasn't contacted for a long time chatted with him today: Are you married? Me: I have no one, so I won't get married! He: You idiot, I've been married for two years, and you haven't met anyone yet ... and then I can't help hitting this beast!

7. One day my girlfriend and I were lying together watching TV. My girlfriend suddenly asked me, "Do you like Japanese girls?" I replied, "Of course not". In fact, I want to say that I only like you, but before I can say it, I will slap you: "I don't like sleeping on the sofa tonight." I lost my mind in an instant. ...

8. My nephew is in the second grade of primary school, and the final exam is the sixth from the bottom. There is a mathematical problem in choosing a unit: Does Xiao Qiang weigh 25 () kilograms or grams? He chose grandma. How can I say such a simple question wrong? Xiong Haizi said: I thought I was talking about cockroaches. Nephew! You have learned all this knowledge!

9. A friend who likes to show off called me: "You know, I'm in Bali now." I said, "Oh, I'm only five miles from you." "What? Have you also gone abroad? " "I am in Sanlitun."

10, the daughter of the landlord … just got on the bus and there is still a seat. At the next stop, a child with a baby and some old people came up. She stood up to make way, and the old lady rushed up with an arrow. I said decisively, I'm sorry I gave it to a baby, but it doesn't hurt to stand for a while …

1 1. There is a foreigner in Confucius Institute who likes to learn Chinese. One day, I said to my classmate China, "China is so sexy that I must go and see it." . The students were surprised and studied it carefully. It turned out that this public misunderstood a word: "China characteristics", which was translated into: China, so sexy!

12, since lack of moral integrity, elder sister and younger sister are two different things, and elder sister and younger sister are two different things. Falling in love with her and falling in love with her are two different things, scary and scary are two different things. ...

13, I met a mother and daughter on my way home just now. The little guy looks only three or four years old. I don't know why my mother said: we decided to cut the bag and hammer. I saw two people giving scissors, and my mother said, "I won." My scissors are bigger than yours. " Then the little guy happily took his mother's hand and left, leaving only my petrified back.

14, I came home from dinner last night and saw a man and a woman in a car. I wonder who locked them in the car. It looks very hot. She has taken off all her clothes. That woman's expression is particularly uncomfortable, as if she were dying of lack of oxygen. So I found a stone and broke the car window. Lei Feng should do things without his name. Let's talk about whether I have saved two people!

15 I found an apple on the side of the road and went over to ask, "Is this apple sweet?" Vendor: "Sweet, sweet." Me: "Oh, is it sour? I like sour. " The stall owner pointed to the pile of apples just now: "In fact, this is sour." Are you fucking kidding?

16, the second-rate elder sister was recently poisoned by a costume drama. In the evening, when my parents were away, I steamed buns and fried a side dish to invite my sister to dinner. She can come. All right! Insert a thin needle into the steamed stuffed bun, then pull it out and say, "The needle is black! Poisonous! I know you want to hurt me! Come and drag it out! " I threw up all over her face. It's a bean paste bag, you idiot!

17, a female colleague of the company, brings a can of coke to work every morning, and when she looks suspicious, she goes forward and asks you why you drink coke every day. She replied: this is cheaper. I said, then why don't you drink the water from the company? Free! She said slowly, that, that is useless.

18. Recently, four college students became fathers one after another, and all of them gave birth to boys. One of the buddies shouted in the class: "Students who have never given birth to babies, you have to have daughters, otherwise our son can't find a wife." A female classmate calmly replied: "Nothing, they can be gay." The group immediately broke into warm applause.

19, a few years ago, after graduation from lz University, six brothers in the dormitory had dinner. During the dinner, all kinds of sadness and parting feelings. One second before the heroic sacrifice, they took lz's hand and said something lz will never forget: Boss, wake me up when the braised pork comes up!

20. I went home to visit my relatives. Because I had no change, I took the bus and invested five yuan. Later, a buddy saw that I invested five dollars, and I also invested five dollars and said, "The price of public transportation is rising so fast!" " I turned around and said I had no change. ...

2 1, warm reminder: Thunderstorms have occurred frequently recently. Please swear as little as possible and wait until the limelight is over. ...

22. At the military training meeting, the instructor gave way. I'm tired of practicing, and I can't help cursing: "Shit!" Hearing this, the instructor came up angrily, pointed at my nose and asked, "What did you say?" ! Say it again! "Me:" Report to the instructor, I said slow down! " "I'm so fucking witty!

I went to my wife's house once last winter. There is a milkman in their village. A bottle of seven yuan a catty, I can't drink that much. So I said, the boss wants two dollars, and the boss gave me a white look: two dollars? Then squat down and have a drink by yourself ...

24. I have a crush on a girlfriend, but I can't make any phone calls or text messages. Last night, the goddess sent me another photo of pigeons kissing, secretly pleased, and I didn't understand it all night. Tell me the next day that pigeons kiss … brother+text = roll.

25. Take a boy home in junior high school. Their parents came back when they were sitting on the sofa watching TV. I hid him in the bathroom when I was in a hurry. My mother wanted to go to the toilet, so she opened the door of the toilet. The goods are squatting in it, silently washing clothes. He greeted my mother naturally and said, "Aunt, you are here. I dropped ink on your daughter today, and the teacher punished me for helping her wash clothes! " But he's got my dad's underwear.

26. After eating Lamian Noodles in Lanzhou, you must finish the beef first, or you will not find the noodles when you start eating. I never drink Lamian Noodles soup, so I drank all the soup today just to find that beef …

27. Today, I played games in the Internet cafe. After watching me for a long time, a pupil next to me asked, Big Brother, why are you playing games so hard? I said silently: probably because I don't have a girlfriend.

28. When I was a freshman, several roommates deliberately said that their family was remote and poor. A teaser said, "I was supposed to be a sophomore. I climbed a mountain for a year to get to this school, so I stayed with you." Decisively kneel down ...

29. The memorial service for my girlfriend's uncle was held. At the meeting, the old man's last words were read out: "As a fund, interest will be taken out in front of the tomb once a year, and a lottery will be held after worship."

30. One day, I stole 100 yuan from my home. At first, I was a little scared. Later, my father shouted excitedly: Wife, I will praise anyone who used our counterfeit money! I shouted happily: I used it, awesome! Dad grinned ... oh, forget it, wipe the medicine!

Editor's Note: I just had breakfast at the breakfast shop, and bought a pack of cigarettes for my boss 100 yuan. My boss said that I would return it to 72 yuan. I was secretly happy and quickly put the money in my pocket and left. After returning to the company, I found that the scattered pile of money only added up to 52 yuan. My heart is so tired that the most basic trust between people is gone.

Queen Fan qq talks about noble Leng Yan's strong attack

1, life is not satisfactory and life is earth-shattering.

Seeing the pretender, my brother always lowers his head silently. It's not my brother's good quality, it's me looking for bricks.

3, nonsense life, embarrassing nonsense

Don't use my sincerity as a bargaining chip.

I will still keep that feeling, just to give my youth a regretless account at the end of my life.

If you are as light as a feather to me, don't expect yourself to be Mount Tai in my heart.

7. No one can take anything that belongs to me!

8. Cherish what you have, and don't look back if you give up.

9. I have my own style, and you can't afford to imitate it.

10, feelings are not natural disasters, happiness is your own master.

On my stage, you are no longer the protagonist.

12, I'm not a glass or a crystal, so I can't be easily seen through.

13, when I don't like it, you can choose suicide or blindness!

14, I am so strong that nothing can disturb my inner peace!

15, my friend, I only care about quality, not quantity, but my heart!

16, instead of praying for a plain life, pray for yourself to be stronger.

17, I don't blame it. I am a limited edition.

18, please make it clear that I am not redundant, let alone you!

19, if I can shake hands with freedom tightly, then I would rather lose everything.

20. You will always be the only one for me. I don't want anyone else.

2 1. A confident woman is not arrogant. Self-confidence means believing, and only by believing can she be happy.

22. Those who don't have the courage to start are actually over.

Since we can't go back, don't go back and edit our idol drama again.

24. Have it if you like it, and don't be afraid of the result.

25. Even if my love is cheap, you don't deserve it.

I would rather create my own sadness than copy the happiness of others.

27. Never fall in love because of loneliness.

28, the equivalent of life, there is no distinction between high and low.

As long as we have confidence, everything is a piece of cake.

I don't have time to participate in your past, I will accompany you to the end.

3 1, women can still live a wonderful life without men.

Don't forget, only you can.

If he loves you, he does not need to please you. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to.

34. It is better to be arrogant and lonely than humble love.

35. Mine can't run away, not mine. I don't want it!

Please put away your posture and don't think you know me very well.

You can stop looking at me, but you can't belittle me.

38. Dude, I'm holding hands with you. You can only love me in this life.

No one needs to give sunshine, we are the sun ourselves.

40. There is no room for a grain of sand in my eye, and neither can you.

4 1, friend or lover, if you are not sincere to me, why should I be sincere to you?

42. Wouldn't it be better to know yourself? Why do you want others to know yourself?

43, how much you disdain, how perfunctory I am.

44. San Xiao's ending was nothing but betrayal and extramarital affairs.

45. I have no time to participate in your past, but you will have me in your future.

Please leave my heart when I come back.

You just need to take one step, and I'll take the rest.

48. I don't care about your first love, I only care about your last love.

49. If you have the power to force me, I have the power to kill you.

50. You laugh at my friends who are seldom alone, and I pity your many insincere friends.

Say it very strongly.

Say it very strongly.

First, the company forced me to be a model in Xinjiang. I also got a female model, which is very strong, but I won't be reimbursed after working at this point.

Second, Genting Bingol's birthday cake is very strong! Happy birthday!

Third, this wave of homework at the end of the month is very strong. I wrote all day, 15 in brush, 20 words. I want to sleep after washing.

Fourth, I didn't expect it at all, although it was ok? However, I was very loud, and he just lied with his face.

Five. So far, Ququ has released six original songs and two covers this year, which is very strong.

Sixth, yes! I have nothing to say! ! ! Great! ! ! Very strong! ! ! I obviously messed up my plan without saying a word! ! Very good! !

7.ta_2 is really a very strong and serious person. I don't think they have a special overseas market division and there is no difference. They just convey what obsessive-compulsive disorder wants to express to everyone, which is really a feeling of despair.

Eight, uh-oh, the boiling water stick was taken away. However, the client is just like nothing, yes, the word "sister" is very strong. Therefore, annoying people, no matter how to convince themselves, are still annoying in the end.

It's a little scary to look at yourself with a pale face in the mirror when you are sick like a mountain. Look at yourself with lipstick.

Ten, the city will play Audi TT, stick a Wuling Hong Guang S, this kind of aphrodisiac behavior is very strong.

The female driver on 19 is very strong. Specially open the door and scold the car opposite. despotic

Twelve, I can only say: you commit iniquity, the sky can live, you commit iniquity, the sky can't live. I get along well with my boyfriend. If I don't want to be lonely and empty, I'll ask a netizen, and I'll be fine. Yes! very strong

Thirteen, the whole brother is very strong, the standard brother is very strong, and the class teacher is very handsome.

14. Power failure at night. Well, I'm going to study at night. Well, one candle for each person. Well, it's very strong.

Tea party, my platoon leader, is very strong and experienced. It hit me hard when I came home last year, but I am still very grateful to him. He gave me the motivation to move forward. When I leave, the last thing I want is him.

Thank you, Ernie, Oba, for spending my birthday with me. Eat barbecue with me, sing birthday songs to me and buy me gifts, although my uncle gave me money directly. Haha, very strong! Ouba sings really well, so do Ernie and Uncle. Today, I had an affair with Obaby, and it went all the way to my navel. Can't you have long legs? Ha ha ha, I am convinced. It's hard to be alone abroad, but it's good to have you with me. Love you so much ~

Seventeen, the seventh season of "The Walking Dead" started very strongly, bloody and wonderful, but a little sad, a little scary and a little disgusting. The screenwriter really hung up and couldn't accept the beginning for a while, but the revenge plan must have begun.

18. It is hard to imagine that when a country's currency competitiveness is weak, its capital market can still be strong.

Nineteen, the dollar is very strong, this round of upward trend, the index is at 99 for the first time, the RMB is still below 6. 1, and now it is close to 6.8. The price will be reflected in the inflation in the United States, and the industrial manufacturing industry will almost die. After O 'Hea leaves office, these figures will be true. However, the cost of services in the United States has skyrocketed, and there are not many miracles in consumption. It is said that it is actually very difficult to raise interest rates in 65438+February. It is more difficult for exporting countries to earn dollars. Since the RMB has depreciated, we must resolutely guard it.

The anniversary of your second year just slipped away, and now you find yourself forgetting this special day. Will you be disappointed? Your parents won't forget that they must have seen your heavy rain that day. I went to the first parent-teacher conference after work. The teacher said that Gege has good self-care ability and language expression ability, but sometimes she speaks loudly, like a woman. Well, Manchu genes are very strong! Don't worry, she is thriving.

Twenty-one, Didi is still ok! I don't even know why this trip is free! Very strong.

22. All unhappy love is hooliganism.

Twenty-three, that's quite a tone. Yes, very strong, invincible.

24. Coal is still very strong. Why it is so strong may have something to do with some news, but personally, such marginal plates still don't need too much attention now!

Twenty-five, reasonable, Changchun University Conservatory of Music this orchestra is still very strong. . . Captain Pettitte didn't even arrive at 6, but the trombone was out of tune. What gui is it?

Twenty-six, can you always spoil me as a little princess? I only eat sugar, I don't suffer, and I will be spoiled if I am unhappy. I am wild, temperamental, scheming, nasty, cute and strong. Well, it's cool.

I am wild, I have a temper, I have a heart, I have the means, I am dirty, I am cute and I am strong. Good, but you said I wasn't what you wanted. I'm sorry I don't look like you.

28. Lawyers really don't listen to what their clients say. Today our client is a 60-year-old man. At first, he felt beaten, weak and pitiful. But I didn't feel it until today's trial. Very aggressive, very threatening, and looks strong (there are six people in the family). Instead, the other party, a young man in his twenties, spoke politely, was not in a hurry, and just smiled at the abuse.

Twenty-nine, constantly interrupting others, although it looks very strong and has a strong opinion, it still feels annoying.

30. At this moment, I feel that my wisdom teeth are showing signs of inflammation, but I really want to drink a bottle of iced milk. It must be bright, and nothing else is strong.

Thirty-one, sent such a circle of friends. The straight girl's answer is that it can be very strong.

Thirty-two, very strong, my aunt sent more to my brother. These two sisters won the true story of my grandmother. If they don't eat, they have to. After eating, they will continue to eat.