Gao Wenhui: The first snow is rippling.

Text/Gao Wenhui

According to the weather forecast, there should be snow in these two days. Saibei is looking forward to the first snow in winter after a long drought. When I went out in the morning, I saw a thin layer of snow on the ground, and the soil in the garden of the community was covered with a layer of gauze. The white snowflake that shook off the road just fell to the ground and suddenly disappeared, as if it had the function of hiding underground. Cold air mixed with sparse snowflakes fell on my shoulders, on the schoolbags of the children next door to school, and on the ceiling of the bus; I was just about to grab it and enjoy it, but it was gone again. Snowflakes are fluttering, my throat wants to open in the slightly humid air, and my breathing becomes a slow rhythm. At this time, because of the first snow this winter, I have a sweet feeling. However, the first snow seems to have little patience. After breakfast, go out and look for it. It has disappeared. In an hour or two, you will wonder if it really snowed just now; Because, at this time, you only see the wet ground, and the scattered pieces of snow like broken silver are gradually decreasing. This is the first snow in Saibei this winter. She quietly greeted us and turned to leave, as if acting as a messenger, coming and going in a hurry. So I gave birth to a lot of dissatisfaction and hope for this first snow; I feel that the word "Chu" is precious.

When this idea spreads, it is like a stone thrown in a lake, rippling round and round. I remember a sentence written by Nalan Rong Ruo in the Qing Dynasty: "If life is just like first sight, why draw a fan in the autumn wind?" Just this first sight, let Nalan's son remember it all his life and wait for it all his life; It's just that the changes of people and things in the world are uncontrollable and will not develop according to the trajectory predicted at the beginning. Zhao Fan, a poet in the Song Dynasty, wrote in Lian Xue: "The first snow is a cheerful ballad, and the second snow is still pleasing to the eye. Three snows are too much, and four snows are different. " The poem reflects the poet's joy and joy when he saw the first snow, and the subsequent snow, whether beautiful or ugly, good or bad, can't resist the surprise and joy brought by preconceived ideas. A "love at first sight" snow is like a lover of the first love. The timid feeling may be a girl who "walks shyly with her back against the door, but smells the breath of childhood".

? The word "the first time" reminds me of my first love, the birth of a child, the first breast-feeding, the first "mother" the child called, the first time I saw the death of my relatives around me, and the failure of my first workplace competition. Every time for the first time, I was deeply shocked and deeply moved.

? Looking back on my first love, it seems that it can't be called love. This is a kind of unrequited love. It is the kind of imaginary love that only exists in individual consciousness. I owe all the beautiful images that meet my standards to a boy, so the handsome big boy who is tall, handsome and can sing Little Secret is the man of my dreams. I thought he would come to me with a smile and take me to the cinema to see the girl in red with his broad palm; Rainy days will hold up an umbrella for me to shelter me from the wind and rain. But when he really walked by, only my evasive eyes, my drooping head and the heartbeat I could only hear couldn't say a word. During my adolescence, I thought I would only find this type of person to have sex with in my life. But when I meet that "he" year after year, I'm sure that "he" is not the "he" I originally wanted. I added too much of my subjective imagination to this so-called "first love"; This "first love" is no longer my "first sight".

? When I mention children, I think of their birth and growth; Every fetus embodies the hope of the whole family in the mother's womb. Mothers are willing to pass their nutrition and blood to their children through umbilical cord. After giving birth to a child with unbearable pain, the blood connection with broken bones and tendons will be unforgettable. When a child takes the first sip of breast milk, that kind of mother's pride and mother-child dependence will sprout from the bottom of my heart. When the child cries, the first word "mom" is vague, and the mother will be the first to get the message. When children go to kindergarten for the first time, go to primary school for the first time, then take the college entrance examination for the first time, go to work for the first time, talk about an object for the first time, encounter setbacks when doing something for the first time, etc., it will affect the mother's heart, and it takes hard work and effort to run around for the word "early".

My father's death made me realize the feeling of losing my first love; Because my father has stomach cancer, he is suitable for eating lost or semi-liquid food. In order to digest well, he can only eat less and eat more meals. Therefore, his father usually drinks half a bowl of rice paste before going to bed at night, otherwise he will be hungry, painful and unable to sleep. I remember one night a few days before my father died, always saying that I was hungry; When I was sleeping in another bedroom, he insisted that my mother wake me up and feed him. With a spoon in my hand, I dare not look at his skinny appearance. I just feel that my father has been watching me, just avoiding his eyes. After my death, I always thought that my father called me to say goodbye. I just didn't say anything. I was not with him when he left; According to my mom, my dad left with a peaceful face. The departure of my loved ones made me understand that what I lost can never come back.

? Looking back on my first defeat in the company, I did it in my early 40 s, and I had to go through three links: written test, interview and voting evaluation. After leaving school for more than 20 years, I took the book knowledge test like a group of young people and competed for the middle-level position in that unit. I know that this kind of competition is a hopeless participation for me. I just feel that I have been quietly dedicated to my unit for more than 20 years and should give myself a chance to compete fairly. It is also an account of a lot of efforts and efforts along the way. Because there was no such application mechanism in the best years, I missed the right opportunity and often felt ashamed. I remember a poem by Bingxin, a female writer: "The flower of success, people only marvel at her present brilliance!" However, at the beginning, her bud was soaked with tears of struggle and blood of sacrifice. "No flower can succeed casually, in fact, it is more those unsuccessful flowers and grasses; Is it not soaked with a handful of bitter blood and tears? Flowers only care about the blooming process of her short life. Whether anyone appreciates it or whether a photographer just photographed her beauty is secondary. I hope everyone has a beautiful life like a flower and don't wither before that day comes.

? In the early years, I gradually realized that we welcomed the first cry of new life in joy and sent away the last quiet smile of our loved ones in sorrow. We have no choice but to conform to nature. Many first times bring us tears and failures; Of course, there will be surprises and pride. So I thought "Chu" was the introduction of drugs, the sound of gongs and drums before the opening of the main play, the experience of joy or pain, the vanguard of goose feather and snow, the unforgettable encounter between us, and the "looking for him thousands of times, but the man was in the dim light". This is what we expect "April Day on Earth".

? In the experience of "Chu" again and again, I thought that maybe we should learn from Hong Yingming's attitude towards life in the Ming Dynasty: "Don't disgrace our mission, just watch the flowers bloom in front of the court." I don't want to stay or stay, so I wander around with the clouds outside. With this attitude, to meet more "early".

2019165438+1October 29th

Author's brief introduction Gao Wenhui, 1969 was born in jiaxian county, Shaanxi province, and grew up in Hengshan mountain. 1990 graduated from the Foreign Languages Department of Yan 'an University. After graduation, he worked in Hengshan County Branch of China People's Bank and Yulin Central Branch of China People's Bank. Organizational relationship is a member of NLD. Member of Yuyang District Poetry Society and Yuyang District Writers Association. His works have been published in paper publications such as Northern Shaanxi, Yuyang Poetry, Young Eagle on the Frontier, Electronic Periodical, Tengfei, Camel City Poetry, Kyushu Poetry Network and Intranet.