A 10,000-word love letter to her far away

It is now three o'clock in the night. I am lying on the bed, and the sound of rain outside the window is still falling. What a rainy spring it was. The misty spring rain fell from the coldness of January to February. There was even a warm March day that was long overdue. There was a wetness and bitterness everywhere, like depressive tears. If it flows for a long time, it will feel wet and stagnant. It was this weather and this late night that moved me so much and made me want to write this letter. You probably don’t know who I am. I am just a very brief passer-by in your life, and I have never even occupied any position. People will say: "A love that has never even held hands." This is indeed the case. Therefore, I will not leave my name behind the letter. If you cannot even remember who I am after reading the letter, I will only feel a burst of silent misery. If a letter is not enough to convey what I want to tell you, then what about words! What's more, we are separated by several cities and three years, so even if I really want to tell you, there is no way to start. I really want to write this letter to you. It's been a long time, but I just never really got around to it. I always have such desires at night, when I am alone, and I always suppress them because I know I will wake up in the morning. It's another day with bright sunshine, and the deep emotion of that night has gone far away. You will realize that what you wanted to do last night was completely unnecessary, and you can't help but laugh at yourself a little. Of course, it’s also because of the fear in my heart that I can’t get rid of. My love for you in the past has made me a public joke. Writing you such a letter again will cause unnecessary trouble, especially since my status is different now. This troubles me very much. However, I still have unchanging confidence in you, which makes me finally write this letter to you in the middle of this rainy March night. Before I tell you the reason why I wrote this letter, I want to tell you first that you have had such a significant impact on my past that time cannot easily overcome it. I met you in Goujiang Town. For many children, what a bright youth should have been! They love beautiful clothes, waiting to go on dates, secretly reading love letters at home or waiting for phone calls, and then looking in the mirror to see His glowing face, burning eyes, or staring blankly at himself in the mirror, combing his hair a thousand times, but his mind has already flown back to countless sweet moments in the past. Unfortunately (it is indeed unfortunate, I really know the meaning of using these two words), I had the intelligence that has always been praised by people prematurely, so that throughout my youth, I never valued the direct and simple language. Joy, and a single-minded obsession with something deeper, some so-called human spiritual realm. But what I want to point out in particular is that I did not do this on purpose, I was just pushed there by an inexplicable force. I was not happy myself, and even regretted that I could not enjoy such youthful joy. So, while most teenagers were busy dating, I was alone as a bystander and hid myself in endless novels. Yes, I read novels, all kinds of novels, from the works of writers who are praised as world literary masterpieces here, to all kinds of best-selling novels in the market. There is a type of work that is still ridiculously touching me and bringing out Cheap Tears and Laughter is a best-seller by some Chinese and foreign popular writers. In such novels, I see stars and sparks, and all the beautiful things beyond physical life. In these novels, the purpose and main life of the hero and heroine is love. What a wonderful thing! Love, especially love that is strengthened after encountering setbacks and difficulties - that love with countless hugs, tears, love and hate, how excited my young heart. But I never expected that this kind of love story would unknowingly settle into my heart and have such a huge impact. Jing, can you understand the mind of a young man so polluted by love? You see, I used the big word "pollution" again. But yes, I and many other men who grew up at the same time were indeed polluted, not only by such novels, but also by other ways of love promoted by various media. There is no other reason. When we are growing up, we usually learn about love from reading, and then fall in love when we have the opportunity. We have never been with women and naturally cultivate love. Our love is always premature. The love model described in some words is determined first and then implemented unconsciously. (It goes without saying that the direct, natural, necessary relation of human beings is the relation between man and woman. The direct, natural, necessary relation “human creatures is the relation Of man to woman. The case could not be better stated. ) It was under such circumstances that I met you. What a glorious year it was! Looking back now, I remember it as a bright autumn. You stood on the podium in the classroom, and the golden sunshine was like a curtain. It served as your background and illuminated your face. That year you came with earrings...

I found that you seemed to have a clear goal. I also can't understand what it is, but I can feel that there is a huge difference between you and us.

You are calm, peaceful, and willing to really get started on something, unlike a group of friends like us who just finish class every day and go from one ping-pong table to another after class, always just talking endlessly.

How I love you with all my heart! You have become the center and mental support of my entire life. In this way, I followed you, from autumn to mid-winter to the approaching spring, from the U.S. Information Service to various high schools and colleges, and even in middle school classrooms. I always sat at the back and looked at you in front of you from a distance. It will always be out of reach...

In my young heart, I was not wary that love would arise in this way. I allowed myself to be deeply moved by your image, allowing myself to miss you and long to see you. But junior high school life ended later, until after the summer vacation, in a late autumn season with constant spring rain. Then I found that I could no longer see you after a while, and could no longer hear your slightly lower voice singing "Climb the Peak" "Looking at my hometown", I can no longer see your depressed and miserable expression. When I find that I can't see you again, the endless longing for you is surging and I can't get rid of it. Only then do I realize that you have been so deeply present in my heart. Don't go. That's when I started to feel pain. I think I am too inexperienced in love to try my best to forget you in time. On the contrary, I use my young attentiveness and intelligence to find opportunities to see you again.

............

Some are so clean that they are not stained with the world. When I learned that you were married, my first reaction was that no matter what, you would never be able to love me again (I do not deny that I insisted on staying with you over and over again, with the vague hope that one day you would know and be able to reciprocate equal love. ). And the fact that you were married, to me at that time, meant that all possibilities of wishful love had been lost. (Montaigne believes that marriage is a sacred union, and any pleasure derived from it should be restrained and treated with a serious and serious attitude. Kierkegaard pointed out that love is a natural feeling from the heart, and marriage is a Determination; love does not mean getting married, love can hardly become a responsibility)

How do I think of marriage as the eternal and only destination of love, without ever considering the changes in marriage or love outside marriage? Relationship, so the only thing I felt at that time was that no matter whether you would be willing to repay me the same love in the future, you would never play the role of a third party.

Only now do I realize how much damage love can cause. I especially understand that knowing love is hopeless, but there is no way to reduce my emotions at all.

I lay in bed for several days, unable to get up even if I didn't want to. The desperate love hurt my heart every second. The severe pain made me even lose the will to live. I lay there. My family was shocked to think that I had contracted an unknown serious illness and had to send me to the hospital, so they got up from the bed. Then, another dilemma immediately trapped me. That's when I got out of bed, a crazy thought persisted in my heart. The thought simply repeated over and over again: I want to see you, I want to see you, I just want to see you. I argued with myself all day and all night, but in the end I couldn't resist the longing to see you. Finally, I told myself (even though I knew I was lying to myself) that I just wanted to see you one last time. I tidied up a little and then saw myself in the mirror. I was so surprised at the huge change in my whole appearance. I was never a handsome boy. Over the past few days, a lot of tears and no peace of mind made me lose my mind. Only handsome brilliance. I was haggard and haggard, but at that time, I had no ability to take care of this. My only intention was to see you again no matter what.

Hope to adopt