How to overcome self-blame?

Don't blame yourself too much. Self-reproach hurts self-esteem. A person's self-esteem is abnormal and he will live in pain all his life.

What people are most afraid of is not getting carried away, but getting carried away in setbacks is even more terrible.

Only self-esteem can really support your life.

When a person can't evaluate himself correctly, he will be prejudiced against himself, which will lead to pain. Too high or too low an evaluation of yourself will have a bad influence on yourself. If it's too high, you'll get carried away and fall naturally. Frustrated, get carried away, you will be devastated, can't find your own meaning, often blame yourself, and deliberately do a lot of things that make you miserable, a vicious circle.

"One of the main differences between humans and animals is self-awareness: forming a correct understanding of oneself and being able to see its own value. In other words, you can define yourself and know whether you like yourself or not. This judgment ability of human beings leads to the emergence of self-esteem problems. When you reject some aspects of yourself, you are actually destroying the psychological structure. Only self-esteem can really support your life. Judging and denying yourself will bring you deep pain. You will try your best to avoid all activities that may aggravate your inner pain, just like carefully protecting your own body wounds. You will reduce your aggressive behavior in social life, study or career for fear of causing unnecessary trouble. Getting along with people, attending interviews and fighting for vague goals are getting more and more headaches for you. You don't want to open your heart, talk about sex, be the focus, hear criticism, ask for help or solve problems. In order to avoid more judgments and self-denial, you set yourself a protective fence: either complain or get angry, or work hard to improve, or brag or talk big, or you may anesthetize yourself with alcohol or drugs. -"self-esteem"

It is very important to evaluate yourself objectively and keep yourself in a good evaluation. Learn to comfort yourself when you regret, and learn to remind yourself when you are strong.

Providing some thoughts and methods that meet our needs can make us happier, which is heartfelt peace and happiness ~ (if you want to see the summary, slide directly to the end)

The following is the catalogue:

1. What exactly is regret?

2. What makes us blame ourselves?

3. How to weaken this habitual self-reproach desire?

First of all, let's talk about what self-blame is. Self-blame refers to feeling guilty about personal shortcomings or mistakes and condemning yourself. In most cases, self-blame is often manifested as excessive self-blame, which leads to depression, regret, depression, despair and other psychology, affects physical and mental health, and makes our work, study and life unstable in one day.

There is an essential difference between regret and guilt! Guilt is a healthy belief, while remorse or guilt is an unhealthy belief, which needs repeated practice and guidance before it can be corrected into a healthy belief.

Self-reproach can be summarized as "self-attack" in one sentence. Whether it is intentional or unintentional, it will be directed at yourself first. A person is depressed and lonely, but he is yelling and emotionally disturbed.

It's as if I have associated the judge and the prisoner together in my mind and played a role-playing role: "I" am the judge … "I" am the prisoner … What was I thinking just now … You must think …

Finally, this monologue will be endless, endless.

So why do we feel guilty about ourselves? From ourselves, we are more or less perfectionists. Subjectively demanding oneself often leads to worse performance than one's own objective level.

For example, I am a graduate student at xx University. I took it when I was a student and talked to many company personnel. As a result, the proposal of … the day before yesterday was rejected. ...

I have always wanted to achieve the self-discipline behaviors such as going to bed early, getting up early and running in the morning, but I have been trying to achieve it. ...

Sentiments such as superiority, sadness, jealousy and envy will plant a seed in our minds, and this seed will blossom because of a coincidence at some time, which is why we blame ourselves! Because after "bad things" happen, we tend to have internal friction, because we have a high vision and the standard is far higher than our own ability!

As for how to solve the emotion of self-blame?

In fact, there is no way to eliminate self-blame. Just like fighting against yourself, solving self-blame is also a process of constant struggle, just like fighting against despair. But there is always hope.

The solution is "sensory and thinking bombing":

1. Visually: Write your emotions on paper. Go into the bathroom and stick a post-it note on the mirror for your convenience.

Go into the office/classroom, turn on the computer and put your emotional notes on the computer desktop.

2. Listening: Put on headphones, listen to the study and work song list of Netease Cloud Music, and walk with pure music and piano music ~

3. kinesthetic: prepare an error book, write down the source of self-blame, and remind yourself to ask yourself first, "Is it my fault or his fault?" What can this make me grow up? "

4. Brain thinking:

First, establish growth-oriented thinking and ask yourself, "What can I learn from it?"

Second, write a grateful diary about yesterday every morning. If we regard gratitude as a living habit, we can cultivate ourselves into activists. Being positive means that we will have positive and optimistic thinking and less negative emotions such as negative self-blame.

The third and most important point! Be an interesting person, not an interesting person. Fun can make you see happiness, and fun can only make you a comedian. ...

Okay, let's get to the point:

1. Self-reproach is "self-attack", whether intentionally or unintentionally, it will be directed at yourself first.

2. The reason why we often feel remorse comes from ourselves. We are all perfectionists more or less. If we are subjectively critical of ourselves and fail to meet the "saint standard" set by ourselves, we will naturally start "self-attack".

3. the solution?

"Sensory and thinking bombing"

Visually: write emotions on paper and stick them in various conspicuous positions.

Hearing: put on headphones to listen to pure music and piano music?

In kinesthetic sense: prepare an error book and record the reasons and emotions of the error.

Thinking:

First, establish growth-oriented thinking and ask yourself, "What can I learn from it?"

Second, write a gratitude diary about yesterday every morning and regard gratitude as a living habit.

Third, be an interesting person.

Self-blame is different from ordinary introspection. Ordinary self-review only needs to review what you have done, sum up experience and come up with ways to improve in the future, but self-blame forms an attack on yourself, mixed with guilt.

Normal people, it doesn't matter to blame themselves once in a while, for example, adults accidentally dropped their children, were distracted by driving, and didn't listen to their loved ones in time, causing their loved ones to be sad.

But if an ordinary person always blames himself, whether it is his own reason or not, he will blame himself and find his own problems from himself, so he needs to adjust.

Most of this habitual remorse is formed from an early age.

When educating children, some parents will let them reflect on themselves all the time. No matter whether the child has conflicts with others, no matter what happens, he will not comfort the child when he is wronged, but will only blame the child for his poor psychological quality.

There is also a kind of parents who will blame their children for everything. If the child does not do well, blame the child; Unexpected bad things blame children; Children fight with others, whether it is the responsibility of children or not, all blame children; They even blame their children for their unhappiness and life's unhappiness, and think that they are all caused by children.

Over time, children who grow up in such an atmosphere will naturally form habitual self-blame behaviors, and no matter what happens, they will blame themselves.

But it's not true. Work and many things, a few people will do from the beginning. So is life. If you are not taught correctly, you can only think for yourself. There is nothing to blame.

People who habitually blame themselves can easily compare the advantages of others with their own shortcomings, and over time, they will become more and more painful.

To sum up, if a person has habitual remorse and always attacks himself, he must be alert and recognize the facts.

Step 1: Check your thoughts.

I am a loser, I am an idiot and I am ugly-this is the first step to control self-blame: this step can effectively reduce the intensity and frequency of self-blame. At the same time, write down under what circumstances you will have this idea and see if you can find a pattern.

Step 2: Evaluate your judgment.

Judge whether your criteria are subjective or fair and reasonable. If you think you are a "bad guy", have you always been a bad guy? Are you still capable sometimes? What do you think of a loser? Don't blame yourself for things beyond your control.

Step 3: Collect objective data.

Let hard facts challenge your negative thoughts. Make a short list of self-achievements on a piece of card paper and take it out every time self-blame strikes. Or look at your resume and review your achievements. It's not like no one invited you shopping for dinner for two years.

Step 4: Critical or Constructive?

Distinguish between critical and constructive ideas. Your goal should be to improve yourself, not to defeat yourself.

Step 5: Re-evaluate your values.

Make sure that what you are trying to achieve is worth fighting for. Some goals, such as kindness, integrity and self-discipline, can make life more meaningful and quality (worth fighting for), while others will only make you feel your own shortcomings.

Self-reproach is a reflection on what happened and your words and deeds. Analyzing "self-blame" from the concept of psychology is actually a metacognitive process of self-cognition and self-reflection, and in other words, self-blame is to attribute the cause of the incident to yourself and think it is your own fault. The concept of attribution can be divided into internal attribution and external attribution. Internal attribution means that we think that the consequences of things are caused by ourselves, such as our lack of ability or our carelessness. External attribution is to attribute why this happens to external conditions, such as bad luck, unsuitable weather, uncooperative others and so on. If these two kinds of attribution are too polarized, it is easy to cause psychological and thinking mode problems. Self-blame and guilt caused by internalization will cause great psychological burden to people, and it is their own problem that things happen to this extent. This self-blaming mentality often leads people to fall into remorse for the past, resulting in negative emotions and moods such as depression and inferiority. If you want to overcome self-blame, you must first realize that this mentality comes from your own attribution style, not the fact itself. Don't blindly criticize yourself from the heart, don't think it's your own result, and ignore that the occurrence of a thing is often caused by the environment, others and some other factors, not all your own fault. To realize that mistakes are not terrible in themselves, we should focus on how to improve and learn lessons; Secondly, we can turn the blame on ourselves into the motive force for action, make efforts to make up for and improve our mistakes, and focus on the present and the future, rather than the past that is a foregone conclusion.

If you want to overcome your self-blame, as long as you do my five points, you will certainly do something new.

Step 1: Check your thoughts.

Writing down those self-blaming judgments in a diary or PDA-I am a loser, I am an idiot and I am ugly-is the first step to control self-blaming: this step can effectively reduce the intensity and frequency of self-blaming. At the same time, write down under what circumstances you will have this idea and see if you can find a pattern.

Step 2: Evaluate your judgment.

Look at your words and judge whether your criteria are subjective or fair and reasonable. If you think you are a "bad guy", have you always been a bad guy? Are you still capable sometimes? Dr. Mueller said that patients often find their opinions contradictory. "I will ask,' What do you think of a loser?' The patient imagined a man sitting around the house drinking beer in shorts. I asked, "Were you like this yesterday?" He said,' That's not true. "Also, don't take responsibility for things you can't control. Some people will think,' My investment has shrunk by 35%-what's wrong with me? But I don't think,' What is the market?'

Step 3: Collect objective data.

Let hard facts challenge your negative thoughts. Make a short list of self-achievements on a piece of card paper and take it out every time self-blame strikes. Or look at your resume and review your achievements. Notice that you got a scholarship-it's not that you haven't been asked to dance for two years. "

Step 4: Critical or Constructive?

Distinguish between critical and constructive ideas. For example, if you eat too much at a picnic, then "I am a fat pig" is a condemnation idea, and "I will improve my eating habits from tomorrow" is a constructive idea. Your goal should be to improve yourself, not to defeat yourself.

Step 5: Re-evaluate your values.

Make sure that what you are trying to achieve is worth fighting for. Some goals, such as kindness, integrity and self-discipline, can make life more meaningful and quality (worth fighting for), while others will only make you feel your own shortcomings.

"Some people think,' I can inject Botox, which will make me cuter.' But in fact, if you want to be cute, you have to do something worthy of love. "