Budd's last article, probably from 2003 to 2004, told the story of a girl and a boy, as if the title was "Ten Years".

The name should be a girl's decade. Some extracts, don't you think?

seven

Writing here, I showed this experience to a friend. He didn't speak, but cried while holding the printed manuscript. He said: in those years, you suffered.

I smiled, and I told him that the pain has just begun, and the days with Xiaojun are sweet. I asked for it. I murdered my lover with a rope called love.

Back in Wuhan, I lost my pager. Moved to the dormitory.

Xiaojun called, but I didn't answer. I asked my classmates to tell him that I dropped out of school.

Xiaojun didn't come to Wuhan to find me. I know he is tired, and he is tired of my willfulness. I miss him, but I deliberately let myself forget him. He is tired of me, and I am too proud to go to him again and again. number

Twenty days have passed, and I have severe insomnia, with a long series of blisters on my mouth. I hardly eat. I began to resent him.

That morning, I finally couldn't get up. I was lying on the bed in the dormitory, and I felt like I was going to die.

I struggled to cook a bowl of instant noodles, tore open the packaging bag and felt like vomiting. I can't stand the taste of instant noodles.

I took a lunch box to * * to buy rice. I just entered the gate of * * and felt sick again.

I turned around, went to the school gate to buy a bowl of bean jelly, put a lot of peppers, squatted on the side of the road and wolfed it down.

Back to the dormitory, the food that I just ate poured up. I ran to the bathroom and vomited everything I ate.

I straightened up and stood by the faucet and thought, am I anorexic?

I went to the hospital and was told that I was pregnant.

Walking out of the hospital, I couldn't find my feet and almost drifted back to the dormitory.

There is a life in my body that makes me afraid and sad.

I never thought I would be a mother at the age of twenty-one.

I'm still a child. I'm not safe as long as I don't snuggle up to someone else's chest.

I vomit almost every morning, and my body is so thin. My classmates gradually became more and more stubborn in my body when I hesitated to have this child.

After a sleepless struggle, I decided to keep the child. My love for Li Xiaojun turned into a bitter hatred for him. I want to have this baby. I want to bring the child to him and ask him how to make me sad.

I became completely crazy, and the child became a tool for me to torture him. I have fantasized for countless times that I stood in front of him with a child who looks like his face, smiled and told him that it was your child, and then looked at his painful expression, I would laugh and laugh sharply.

I have been a drawn knife since 1999 10.

I contacted a well-known beer group in Shenzhen as soon as possible, and then wrote an application to the school to go ahead. 10 10, I stood on the street in Shenzhen, I worked in a big seafood city, and I became a beer promoter. I'm wearing wide clothes. I want to make some money in the shortest time, and then leave here before my stomach swells up and find a quiet place to wait for delivery.

Shenzhen is two hours' drive from Guangzhou, and I work hard in a place two hours' drive from Xiaojun, even paying charming smiles and ambiguous jokes. I hold every penny tightly in my hand like a real bitch.

I have to endure the violent reaction in the early stage of pregnancy. I go to the bathroom every ten minutes and then throw up.

I can't see anything yellow. Throw up when you see it.

It's hard for me to describe that feeling in words. I told you, I'm not a narrative embryo. Now I feel more and more difficult to describe, because there are no adjectives to express my feelings at that time. I am angry and wronged, but with the natural sympathy of women, I feel more and more distressed about the life in my stomach. Finally, I think, I want to find him a father, so that he can see a generous shoulder at first sight when he is born. Thinking about me is just a daze.

At that time, I stopped crying.

I gave it to my children.

Zi has many names, such as Schenk,,. Like a really young mother, I went to the bookstore to inquire about pregnant women's instructions. I don't stay up late anymore. After drinking a lot of nutritious soup, I just can't get fat. My baby has been four months in an instant, and his abdomen is still flat. The company still regards me as a young workforce. I ran back and forth with twelve bottles of beer on my back, and no one knew that my waist was going to be straight.

19991February 25th, I fell down the stairs of Shenzhen Carnival Seafood City, and my blood flowed down the high walking ladder, winding like my youth.

My baby, it's gone.

That little life, the only mark of my youth on my body and skin, died when I fell lightly.

I think of the big empty operating room, the high maternity bed behind the blue screen, the cold instruments stirring in my body, and I bite my lip tightly. The gynecologist in his fifties looked at me affectionately and said, "Son, if it hurts, just scream." I didn't scream, my lips began to bleed, and the doctor wiped my sweat. Finally, she said, it's a pity that it's a boy, almost five months. It wouldn't have been necessary if it hadn't been for a fall.

Do you want to see it? She said while packing the equipment.

I shook my head desperately, and then I fell into a coma.

Writing here, I collapsed on the case and had no strength at all.

My love for that Shen Yao is getting stronger and stronger. I don't even think that was me five years ago. I want to extend my arm to the winter of 1999, give Shen Yao a warm hug and let her sleep in my arms again.

How did I get here? How did I bury my past? Or am I really just writing a story with fake blood in it?

But I clearly saw Shen Yao, who was weak, walk out of the hospital gate with simple luggage in his hand. At the gate of the hospital, she saw a group of people playing chess around. She leaned in to see. It's like five years ago, during recess in high school, she watched Li Xiaojun play chess with others. She squatted on the side of the road to solve a game of chess and won fifty dollars. She took the fifty dollars and thought, Xiaojun, how much have you hidden in your life? I can't believe I'm still making money from the skills you gave me!

I didn't know until I got back to the dormitory that everyone in the hotel had heard about my unmarried pregnancy and I was fired. I buried my head in other people's eyes and packed my bags. I can't stay.

I took out all the money in my passbook, went to Guangzhou Railway Station, bought a ticket, and called my good friend Shantou to let her arrive.

Wuhan came to pick me up, and then there was only 2 yuan left in my hand. I was so hungry that I bought a cantaloupe with a bamboo stick.

I stand in Guangzhou station, my Guangzhou station, my Guangzhou station, my hair is unkempt like a migrant worker, and all the sad memories are there.

At Guangzhou station.

While I was thinking about it, the cantaloupe was taken away by a beggar. Xi。 I got on the train hungry and slept all the way. I was numb with grief.

When I arrived in Wuhan, the first thing I did when I saw the steamed bread was to take her to the noodle restaurant. Steamed bread looked at me with tears in his eyes.

Two bowls of Lamian Noodles, she made my hands red with cold. It was snowing all over the sky, and I was wearing a thin jacket.

My face got goose bumps with cold.

Steamed bread has been with my classmate for ten years. I didn't hide anything from her. She is my only girlfriend, and I'm from Guangzhou.

Gee, she doesn't know, and neither does anyone. I hid my deadliest injury like a cancer patient. Steamed bread took me to her residence. She had already gone to work, and the rented house was a single room, clean and warm.

The room is filled with faint flowers and the kindness of home.

She stuffed money into my wallet, a thick stack, and then took out a pocket with a beautiful coat in it. I said, I don't want it.

She looked me in the eye and said to you with tears, Yao Yao, from today on, you should be a person who lives for yourself. What I can do is

Only solve the material problems, and you have to solve the other problems yourself.

I don't know. Three days ago, Li Xiaojun stood in the room of steamed bread and said to steamed bread with red eyes: Xiaoman, do you know?

Where is Yao Yao?

Steamed bread said maliciously, will you still think of looking for her? How can you make her sad? She doesn't know where she is alone now.

Wandering!

Li Xiaojun begged Shantou to give him a clue so that he could find me. Shantou gave him my address in Shenzhen.

The day Li Xiaojun went to Shenzhen was the day I left Shenzhen. Maybe we passed by by by train again.

This refusal made Li Xiaojun let me go completely, because my lovely old colleague described me as an existence.

A disgruntled woman who was raised and abandoned. They described how bloody I was when I fell. What was Li Xiaojun like then?

What look? Became a mystery.

I have never set foot in Guangdong province in the past five years.

There, is my hell.

eight

In telling this story, I neglected many people. They passed me by.

For example, in a hotel in Shenzhen, a boy slipped me a note and put roses on the windowsill of my dormitory. I didn't.

I haven't seen or touched him, but I hurt him badly. I stood under the street lamp and asked him, You are a waiter. What do you like to do?

Me?

In the darkness, his face turned red. He took a breath and turned away.

Later, we passed each other countless times in the hotel, and his eyes were full of anger and disdain.

Later, he left the hotel.

Later I heard that he started a company.

Later, I heard that he had become a minor celebrity in Shenzhen.

I often think of him. He is a good boy and should find a white and flawless woman. There is also a boy from Jiangmen, whose home is separated from Hong Kong by water.

We met on the plane to Wuhan. Yes, that was when I returned to Wuhan from Guangzhou. He will go to Wuhan on business in January.

He sat next to me, and I sat there staring blankly with red eyes. He talks to me from time to time.

The first time I flew by plane, I vomited badly. He has been busy for me, more considerate than a stewardess.

We hitchhiked from the airport to the center of Wuhan. He gave me his phone number. I know he fell in love with me at first sight.

He invited me to dinner at my school, and I lazily refused.

He has a distinguished family, a good education and a decent job. As long as I have something to do, he takes me shopping.

Stay in front of the product for more than three minutes, and I will definitely receive this gift one day. He is romantic to the extreme and a gentleman to the extreme.

I went to see him off when he returned to Guangzhou. At the airport, he asked me shyly, Miss Shen, if you are willing, will you consider being my female friend?

Friendly?

I smiled. I said I sent you an email, and you will know my answer when I return to Guangzhou. I told him everything in the email.

When he flew back to Wuhan to find me, I had already gone to Shenzhen.

When he found my address in Shenzhen, I had left Shenzhen.

In order to see the bright moon in the sky, I missed the flying light of the world.

We actually met in Beijing in 2003, when there were already smiling women around him. We exchanged pleasantries and he turned around.

A lonely smile. Let me catch my breath and talk about Shen Yao.

I put myself out of the plot and pretended that Shen Yao was just a woman who happened to have the same name as me and had a similar experience.

. A new century has begun. On the New Year's Eve of the Millennium, the fireworks all over the sky bloom like flowers, which is particularly enchanting. I sat on the balcony railing with steamed bread, and she asked me

Still hate Li Xiaojun, I am silent, I think of my dead child, I think of the supercilious look I have seen, I

Bite your teeth and say: hate.

Steamed bread stopped talking, and it was my hate word that made me pass Li Xiaojun once again.

Before the steamed bread asked me this sentence, Xiaojun said to the steamed bread on the phone, Xiaoman, I decided to let Yao Yao tell me who she really is.

What happened? How could she humiliate herself like this?

Li Xiaojun, I also want to ask you what you did to Yao Yao! Steamed bread hugged me, patted me on the shoulder and said, Yao Yao, forget Xiaojun and start over. Youth is inherently bitter.

I fell asleep in the arms of steamed bread, and I saw Xiaojun standing on the other side of a big river in my dream. I'm screaming at him here.

He didn't respond. I've had this dream for three years and I'm tired of it.

Steamed bread called Xiaojun that night. She told Xiaojun calmly: Shen Yao hates you, please leave her alone.

A quiet life. And these, I don't know. How many times have we passed by? It was snail time, and I could hardly laugh.

I often stop on the bus, sprinkle washing powder in the toilet, cut vegetables and forget to put water on cooking, which is my life.

This is a mess. I am like a cripple who has lost the ability to live.

I live in a small attic near Hanzheng Street. I go to work early and come back late every day. On weekends, I sit on the balcony and read the newspaper.

I didn't turn a page from dawn to dark. I didn't speak all day, but I felt it at the last minute.

It has to be someone else's voice.

When I find a job, I am often fired within a week because I am too slow and often make retarded mistakes. Looking for a job in smoldering weather in June, my skin is tanned. I stood on the street of Wuhan, looking at the huge billboard.

Oh, I have almost no proud capital. No one has been interested in it for four years, and the major is not good.

Finally, some companies want me. They like my young and pure face. I stand in the company lobby every day, wearing a straight suit.

The right makeup is like a living sign. Occasionally, obscene customers will make some excessive jokes, as long as I am not angry.

Smile, everything is fine.

Life seems to smile gradually.

nine

In 2000, I was in a fog, and there was no news of Xiaojun.

In 2000, my trajectory was from work to dormitory and I never crossed the line. Two thousand years is very important. Because just when I seemed to be coming out of the haze, Xiao Jun and Li Xiaojun appeared.

A wound that looks like blood coagulation was stabbed again. June 2000165438+1October 12 received a phone call from a high school classmate after work, saying that a group of Wuhan classmates were having a party in a restaurant.

The shop is waiting for me.

Everyone was there when I went, and a group of people were joking. I smiled quietly in the corner and sat down.

Suddenly someone answered the phone and asked everyone, hey, comrades, guess who's here?

Students, your word-of-mouth guess, the students who answered the phone mysteriously said: Li Xiaojun, an excellent employee of Motorola.

Go back to Wuhan.

After saying his word, the door of the private room has been opened, and the lover I miss very much stands in front of me.

My head exploded with a bang. In all the voices, Xiaojun also saw me, and we crossed the surrounding voices and stared at each other.

My love, he is still tall and straight, I miss the chest is still generous, his eyes, his eyebrows, his cold hands.

Fingertips, his thick curly hair, and the scarlet mole behind his ears are still there.

I want to go forward and cry on that chest.

Xiaojun just looked at me like that, and then he was punished. He drank spicy white wine glass after glass. drink

The neck is red.

I just looked at him stiffly, across a round table, and I looked at him, leaving an indelible mark in my life.

Xiao Jun, he didn't look at me again, didn't say a word to me.

After dinner, we moved to another classmate's house for activities, and I was forcibly pulled over. Jun Xiao is in another car.

My classmate deliberately refused to let us ride together. They know about my embarrassing past with Li Xiaojun. They think me and

Li Xiaojun has dispelled the dark clouds. Who knew I was deeply grieved? Eight people, two tables. A table of poker and a table of mahjong.

Li Xiaojun and I share a table, and he sits opposite me.

After a night of silence, I lost 300 and he lost 400.

There's nothing to say. When he left, he finally said, Shen Yao, please pass me my coat.

This sentence is very clever. When we are together, he often tells me: Shen Yao, give me my coat.

Come on, Shen Yao, bring my shoes in, and Shen Yao bring my tie. ......

For a moment, I also had hallucinations, as if we still loved each other, as if I could go to his arms and imitate at any time.

Buddha, I can still swing around his neck, as if ......

It's like. What he said today was preceded by the word "please", which integrated all our energy.

The past is innocent.

My jun has completely turned over my page. He is no longer the one waiting for me in the same place.

Although, I wasted the whole green years for him. I went back to my residence and searched out all the treasures with traces of Xiaojun bit by bit, facing the winter.

The faint sunshine caressed it carefully.

He gave me hairpins, brooches, all tickets from Wuhan to Guangzhou and tickets from Guangzhou to Wuhan. He wrote to me.

Words, a phone book with his handwriting, his tie clip, his cold medicine, his pager receipt, our room.

Rent receipts, and, uh, sheets for our first intimate contact.

I spent the whole day looking at these tiny things, looking at them, and began to wipe my tears and sob to open them.

Start calling.

After a year, I finally burst into tears. I miss Xiaojun.

I thought he missed me too.

I am miserable because of missing.

I thought his pain was worse.

I thought we would be together again, and he would come and hug me and kiss my eyelashes as usual, his.

With thin lips and bright eyes, I thought he would say: Yao Yao, I love you, and I still love you.

I thought I could jump into his arms again and bite the tooth marks on his shoulder willfully. I want to sleep in his arms and do it.

A dream has warm spring in bloom, alternating seasons and waves on the wet shore.

Everything is over, he can politely say please to me, and he doesn't look at my haggard face. For him, I am in a year.

I lost ten pounds, and my wrist was so thin that I could see blue blood vessels. He didn't even look at them. When he left my sight,

I didn't even look back. I almost fainted behind him. He didn't know there were so many details. male

I don't even know. I resigned from the company with red eyes and bought a plane ticket to Beijing.

I want to find a corner to lick the wound, not Wuhan, not Guangzhou, not Shenzhen.

I choose Beijing, where the four seasons are distinct and the winter is very cold. ten

June, 5438+February, 2000, at the Capital Airport, the wind was cold, and I walked into the crowd with my small suitcase.

At that time, my face was cold, my eyes were no longer clear, and my hair was straight to my shoulders. The only constant is that my lips are like babies. I insist.

I don't need any lipstick or lip gloss. I have been loyal to him for six years.

I rented a room in Gongzhufen, painted it with tender powder, lit a faint fragrance of Buddhism in the room, and put it on the windowsill in green.

A leafy plant lets two fish swim in the water in a fish tank on the dining table.

I go back and forth between Guomao and Gongzhufen every day. I am used to hanging handrails in the subway and sleeping with rigid pillars.

Accustomed to it, the average life is not small.

I seem to be getting farther and farther away from Xiaojun. No longer contact students in Wuhan. I bought a mobile phone number in Beijing, and the phone book is full of my friends in Beijing.

Three months later, I spoke fluent Beijing movies, and even Beijingers didn't know my origin. They didn't think. I once said

In Wuhan, they don't know that I can understand every word of Guangzhou dialect.

I smiled reserved and talked gently with customers. It's like I was born for work.

However, the night is a difficult time.

I have the habit of crying on the terrace at night. I cried happily, then dried my tears and went into the room to go in.

In bed, sobbing to sleep, I relied on this day to vent like a baby. I wake up in the middle of the night occasionally, and I will.

Nightmare, I woke up trembling, and I stood on the terrace with my arms around me. The night in Beijing was as cold as water, and my bare skin was stabbed.

It hurts. I often stand there for half a night.

When I wake up, I will get up quickly and run to the subway station to start my day's work. No one knows what my secret night is like.

This is unbearable.

Without him, I am just lonely. On weekends, I will play chess with people in the activity center of the community to kill time. My chess level is getting better and better. In the community,

Almost can dominate. Only when I play chess can I think nothing. I can tolerate giving chess to my kind grandfather. I

Make them laugh, the old man haggles like a child, and I will give in or win them.

I spent a day in the activity center like that. If there is sunshine, I will push the elderly with inconvenient legs and feet for a walk and listen to them.

Interesting things in old Beijing. Their love for me is beyond my imagination. For a time, clothes hanging in the community were repeatedly stolen.

But my clothes have never been lost. As long as I wash them, they will chat near the clothesline until the clothes are dry.

They helped me take it off. Every time I come back from the company, I can't help but see the clothes hanging on the door handle and smelling of sunshine.

My nose hurts. If you give love, you will get more love.

But I have paid so much love for Li Xiaojun, and all I get is a real pain. eleven

You think I will describe those processes, no, no, I want to end this memory, the more those details are stripped away.

The sadder it is, no wound can withstand repeated description, and it is shocking to open it. We'll talk about it later, everyone.

Every story that begins in the past will have a later story.

Later, in 2003 1 month, a man named Suk said loudly in the crowded street of Wangfujing, "Shen Yao, get married." .

Give it to me. I forbid you to cry again.

Suk has pure eyes, fair skin and slender fingers. He was thin, but he said he would protect me, and I tried to hold his arm.

Bo, leaning on his chest, groping for warmth with his eyes closed.

I said to Suk: Suk, give me three days, just three days, and I'll give you the answer.

Suk wrapped his big hand around mine and said, I'll wait. For three days, I made a flight with it.

Flying is at night and seeing the darkness in your eyes. Standing at Baiyun Airport, listening to the sonorous Cantonese seems like a lifetime ago.

. I took a taxi and gradually drove into the center of Guangzhou. Every slight bump makes people feel palpitation, as well as the shy young companion.

The machine asked me: Miss, where are you going?

Please show me around, anywhere. I said.

And then he kept asking me.

I sat in the back seat and watched the neon flashing outside the window: then, we returned to the airport.

The driver looked at me in surprise in the rearview mirror. I smiled and explained: I just forgot the taste of Guangzhou and flew in to smell it. When I returned to Beijing, it was already early in the morning. In the chilly spring of January, I dialed the telephone of a steamed bread. I asked her if she knew where Li Xiaojun was.

No, the steamed bread was silent, and then he told me word by word: Li Xiaojun's wedding date is set for May 1 day.

Hang up the phone, sit on the side of the road, stare blankly, and then stop the car hard.

Taxis are struggling in the Third Ring Road, and traffic jams are common in Beijing. I opened the window bored and looked outside. There was one wearing it.

The man in a dark blue suit stood beside a Passat and looked like Li Xiaojun. As soon as I got off the bus, I jumped off as if I were possessed.

I saw the man get on the bus, and then the bus moved slowly. I ran very fast, and the traffic began to get faster and faster. I

I was completely thrown on the Third Ring Road, and the traffic gradually passed by me. I was left behind again and again, and I seemed to see time pass by me.

Passing by, I stood in the traffic and cried.

Three days later, Sook and I stood at the marriage registry.

twelve

Xiaojun, if you read this article one day, please believe that this is all, my ten years, the ten years I have paid for you.

I don't ask, I don't ask how you can make me sad.

After all, we will forget each other in the rivers and lakes and let them drift away. Please don't stop if we can meet again.

Me. Because I promised Sook that I would stay with him for the rest of my life.