Zhang Ailing's life answer sheet: A life full of fleas is still a gorgeous robe.

Zhang Ailing is a famous female writer in China. Her literary career began in the 1940s. She was once popular in Shanghai and a best-selling writer in contemporary China. Some scholars say that the "Zhang Ailing fever" has not retreated for 30 years, and the number of fans is definitely not inferior to that of popular stars.

I often see her books in bookstores, but I seldom read her words. I only read one of her essays many years ago. Love in the City and Lust, Caution are still known through movies.

Little reunion, which I was fortunate to read this time, is the most mysterious work of Zhang Ailing. One is autobiographical, and the other is "out of the belly" works. Although the first draft was completed as early as 1970s, it has not been finalized for various reasons. In her will, Zhang Ailing asked the executor to destroy the manuscript.

Although Zhang Ailing told people in her letter that this is a love story, I don't think so, or not exactly. Although the love story occupies a considerable space, it gives me the overall feeling that a novel cannot be equated with an autobiography, not to mention Zhang herself, at least it is the biography of the protagonist Jiu Li, her main life experience, from childhood to adulthood.

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The opening part begins with HKU's study life and tells the story of his childhood. Jiu Li's childhood experience and complicated family confirmed my impression of reading Zhang Ailing's essays many years ago-gloomy. At that time, I was still young, although I still had a lot of confusion about the future, but I was eager for sunshine with all my heart, and I didn't like this gloom very much.

Zhang Ailing was born in a noble family. Her grandfather Zhang Peilun was a famous minister in the late Qing Dynasty, and her grandmother Li Ju was the eldest daughter of Li Hongzhang, an important official in the imperial court. Her mother Huang Yifan's grandfather, Huang Yisheng, was a navy commander in seven provinces of the Yangtze River in the late Qing Dynasty, and her father, Huang Zongyan, was an official.

However, this aristocratic family is in decline. Zhang Ailing is a "poor person" in an aristocratic school, and her parents cast a shadow over her childhood. My mother followed her aunt to study in Europe when she was only four years old. When she was ten years old, her parents agreed to divorce her. My father is a widow of a feudal family, who only drinks all day, and her stepmother let her in and suffered abuse.

What depresses Jiu Li most is her mother.

Although Jiu Li was sent to the University of Hong Kong by her parents, she was poor and didn't go back in the summer vacation to save a sum of money. Teacher An Zhusi saw her excellent grades and hard work, and personally gave her a bonus of 800 Hong Kong dollars. Jiuli was very excited and asked her to come to Hong Kong to see her mother, but her mother doubted Teacher An's intention and asked her to return it to the teacher. Later, she lost the bet.

This incident left an indelible scar on Jiu Li's heart. She told Third Aunt that she thought it was only for money, and that her mother had spent a lot of money on her behalf. Jiuli said that she would definitely pay it back, and later she really returned the money to her mother. Of course, her mother didn't want to, but she finally shed tears, but she thought it was because of her romance.

Because my uncle's family doesn't have an orally adopted daughter, I always call my mother Er Yi, which is really uncomfortable to read. Jiu Li was so poor that she took advantage of living in a monastery for free. Her mother came to date her lover under the guise of meeting her daughter and stayed in the most luxurious hotel in Hong Kong at that time.

There is a detail that is even more worrying. When Jiu Li was nine years old, Rachel took her across the street and grabbed her hand. Her hesitation and inner struggle were even "disgusting", which really made people feel sorry for the mother and daughter.

Jiu Li said she was tired, and her mother said she didn't like her. However, Jiu Li felt like saying that she didn't like her-it was about her mother's fatal wound. How lonely and insecure are children who can't get maternal love?

Therefore, although Zhang Ailing is known as a child prodigy, she can recite Tang poems at the age of three, write her first novel at the age of seven, and write novels similar to utopia at the age of eight. She is not only outstanding in writing, but also proficient in music and art. She has been a schoolmaster since she was a child, but she has always been an unhappy schoolmaster.

Just when she was confident, her mother came back from abroad, only to find her achilles heel and say to her:

"I'd rather see you die than live and suffer everywhere."

She found

"In the real world, I am equal to a waste."

Although her mother gave her two years to learn to adapt to the environment, but

"My mother's painful warning has no effect on me except that my mind is out of balance."

This is her description in the award-winning essay My Dream of Genius, and in little reunion, she also said that her mother Rachel no longer corrected Jiu Li's every move, and she felt that her mother was dead to her.

When talking about the manuscript in the letter, Song Qi said that Zhang Ailing wanted to write Jiu Li as an unconventional woman, but he thought that only a few readers would think that her unhappy childhood led to her behavior and psychology, and most readers would think that she had no sympathy.

I think Zhang Ailing's intention has come true, at least in my case.

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Of course, the love story of the protagonist in little reunion still occupies a considerable space. If we regard Jiu Li and Shao Zhiyong in the novel as Zhang Ailing and Hu Lancheng, we seem to have a clearer understanding of the entanglement between Zhang Hu, but I am still surprised. Although I've heard about things between Zhang Hu and Shao Zhiyong for a long time, I didn't expect it to be like this.

Shao Zhiyong's promiscuity in his novels has reached an absurd level. He is more than a female nurse. He loves almost everyone, regardless of age. Even when he fled, he cheated his friend's mother and had an affair with that Japanese housewife. What's even more amazing is that he actually talked to Jiu Li about his woman, and he was so affectionate that she felt it was a mistake to send a love letter to let him make a choice. Why did he pull out his tooth? It's hard to make a choice.

However, Jiu Li's affection for him can really be described as "infatuation". She even hoped that the war would continue, just to be with him and collect and cherish his cigarette butts. She once knelt in front of him, held his leg and put her face on his leg, which made Shao Zhiyong feel a little embarrassed. She quickly pulled her up, helped her up, and said with a smile, Bye to his wife! .

Fortunately, Jiuli was calm, and no matter how much she loved him, she decided to break up with him. Considering what happened in Jerry and Li XiaoLu recently, it's not easy.

To tell the truth, these two are my favorite stars, and they think they are a good match. Although I heard that Li XiaoLu was moved by Jerry before agreeing to get married, Jerry's long microblog finally made me feel sad and moved. I remember him as a sunny young man. I didn't watch him much after he became "funny". This statement still shows Jerry's kindness and tolerance, and his deep feelings for Li XiaoLu are even more obvious.

I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Of course, I have no intention to compare Li XiaoLu with Shao Zhiyong. I just want to say that no matter how much love, there must be a bottom line. Life can't be without love, but it can't be only love, especially love, just like Jiu Li's mother's ball, which seems to be the only happiness.

Even if this is the only happiness, if you fall in love with someone you shouldn't love, you can't have it, just as Jiu Li said in his farewell letter to Shao Zhiyong:

"I am not for your woman, but because I will never be happy with you."

There seems to be no happy ending in this novel called little reunion. Song Qi said that little reunion meant irony. In the novels of gifted scholars and beautiful women, the hero is the best, and the wives and concubines love each other in groups. In this novel, the hero is a traitor, and finally he runs away, and the women either divorce or break up.

So for the heroine Jiu Li, I think of Zhang Ailing's widely circulated golden sentence:

Life is a gorgeous robe, full of fleas.

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However, the feeling of this novel is not entirely gloomy. Let's put it this way, it is mother and Shao Zhiyong who hurt Jiuli the most.

In the novel, the beauty and sadness of the mother, the natural expression of the close relationship with her father, the love between her and her uncle, the love between her and her third aunt, and the sadness and crying of her mother when she finally paid back the money.

It is even more documented that her mother Rachel was actually an independent and brave new woman of that era. She dared to resist the shackles of feudal families and pursue her own freedom and happiness. She is very beautiful, comes from a famous family and has traveled abroad many times. Needless to say, she attaches great importance to children's education and nutrition. "Jiu Li listened to Rachel's lunch lecture on nutrition since childhood, and she felt guilty if she didn't eat vegetables or fish for a day." So do many of our so-called educated parents.

Mother Rachel's independence and emphasis on education obviously have a great influence on Jiu Li, and her knowledge literacy and independence have benefited from this.

However, she lacks emotional contact with children. Most importantly, she put her personal feelings first from beginning to end. When Jiuli influenced her relationship with her boyfriend, she even shouted that her daughter was harmful. It is good for her to pursue personal happiness, but she loves her children so little that she can't even bear the basic responsibilities, and she doesn't consider the influence of her words and deeds on her children at all.

Shao Zhiyong's intelligence and understanding of Jiuli are also written in the novel. Although the communication with Yanshan has the feeling of finding the first love, I can't find the feeling of Shao Zhiyong. At the end of the dream, he still lived happily with Shao Zhiyong. Perhaps, as Zhang Ailing said to her friends when the first draft of her work was completed:

"This is a passionate story. I want to express the endless twists and turns of love. After complete disillusionment, there is still something left. "

"Life is a gorgeous robe, full of fleas" comes from Zhang Ailing's early prose My Dream of Genius, which is also regarded as the "first novel" in her literary career. This article is an award-winning article of Shanghai West Wind Magazine. Zhang Ailing was only 18 years old at that time. She won the first place in the Far East Entrance Examination of London University, and was admitted to the University of Hong Kong because of the war, when she was a freshman.

At this time, she was young and conceited, but she saw an unknown life and another side of herself.

"When there is no handover, I am full of joy in life. But I can't overcome this little distress in one day. "

When little reunion was written, Zhang Ailing was already a middle-aged man who had experienced many vicissitudes. Her attitude towards life has become more open-minded. If similar words are used, it should be expressed as "although covered with fleas, life is still a gorgeous robe."

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Of course, Jiu Li and Shao Zhiyong's dream of a happy life only happened once. What she did was more of an exam dream, and it will always be a nightmare. And the second paragraph at the beginning.

"Old at least has one advantage. You don't need an exam, but you still dream of a big exam. It is always a nightmare. "

Echo from afar.

Little reunion is about a woman's life, but both the beginning and the end are dreams about exams, similar to the dawn before the war. It is natural to write at the beginning that she is studying at HKU University, but she still wrote this at the end. The last paragraph is exactly the same as the beginning:

"On the morning of the big exam, that strange and desolate mood can only be compared with the dawn before the army combat. For example, in Smada X, the slave rebels watch the Roman army in the morning fog, which is the most horrible scene in all war movies, because it is completely waiting. "

Perhaps, in Zhang Ailing's mind, life is also a big test, not to mention success or not, but only emotion, affection, friendship and love. As a student, she is even more dismal in the face of this exam. She doesn't know how her answer sheet will be judged in the eyes of readers and the world.

Although this answer sheet has been hidden in the snow for many years for various reasons, she once thought about destroying it, but now her life answer sheet has been given to readers.

In the face of life, what kind of answers should we hand over?