Show me a joke. Whoever is funny will be rewarded?

I only save classic jokes

1. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

In the car People snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

Everyone in the car Hilarious!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

2. The bus was overcrowded, and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG squeezed from behind the bus and wanted to get off.

Follow the woman After saying "Give way and get out of the car," the woman didn't move at all.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

It turned out that the woman was so powerful, she kept scolding, "You're crazy! You're crazy!" and she was so loud that the whole car looked at her.

GG didn't speak the whole time. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it anymore. He turned around and said to the woman, "Your repeater!"

Everyone in the car burst into laughter~!

There were a few funny children behind, constantly accompanying the scene just now.

Person A said, "You are crazy!"... Person B said, "You are a repeater." "Yeah you"...

Everyone in the car burst into laughter~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get off the car, squeezed past and timidly said, "Oh~ I~ If I think about it, I’m not crazy~! "

The whole car burst into laughter again~!

The woman didn't say anything, but a sentence came from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

< p> Everyone in the car burst into laughter~!

3. Chief: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Chief, the soldier is even darker! The chest said: How well these muscles have been trained! Soldier: Report to the commander, I am a female soldier

4. The miser was out for something, so he was afraid that someone would drink the wine he just ordered, so he wrote on the paper. ：I spit in the cup. After a while, he came back and found a few words on the note: I also spit out!

5. Late one night, I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep at night. , so I sent a text message to a sister who lives with me: "I am depressed, please chat with me for a while." After a while, my sister replied: "Okay, what do you want to talk about? The topic is up to you." I thought about it and replied happily. Said: "Then let's talk about a heavier topic, for example - your weight!" After a while of silence, the sister texted back, which read: "This is too heavy. Then let's talk about something superficial." Well, for example - your IQ!"

6. The stingy man went out for something and was afraid that others would secretly drink the wine he just ordered, so he wrote on the paper: I spit in the cup Phlegm. After a while, he came back and found a few more words on the note: I spit out it too!

7. A primary school student confessed to his long-awaited teacher, but the teacher said it was wrong, but he didn’t. Listen. Finally, the teacher couldn't bear it and said: I don't want any children. The pupil said: I will be careful!

8. Once, GIN and Vodka went to hunt deer in the mountains. The greedy two of them hunted two deer each. When we were going back, we had to take a plane. The captain said worriedly: "With so many deer, we will be overweight!" Both of them said disdainfully: "What are you afraid of? We also shot so many deer last year and we still flew back here!" The captain couldn't resist them and had to let them get on the plane.

The plane flew smoothly for a while, then suddenly started to shake, and finally fell down. The two of them got up with their faces covered in ash. Vodka looked around and whispered to GIN: "Boss, it seems that we also fell here last year!"

9. A certain mental hospital heard that the leaders were coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director called a meeting with the patients.

The director said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit. Everyone should go to the door to welcome me. During the welcome, all patients should stand neatly on both sides of the hospital door. When I cough, everyone cheers together

Palm, the more enthusiastic the better; when I stamp my feet, I must stop them all, and I can’t make any mistakes.

As long as everyone is ready,

You can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. If one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember

? "The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember! ”

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.

At this time, as the director coughed, All the patients applauded and the atmosphere was very warm. Infected by the warm atmosphere, they applauded with everyone and walked into the hospital.

In the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and all the applause stopped. Only the leader was still applauding with a smile on his face

The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a sick man as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. He strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - —“You don’t want to eat steamed buns anymore? ! ! ! ”

10. One day a mother fly and her son had lunch together

The son asked the mother fly: Why do we eat poop every day

The mother fly was angry Said: Don’t say such disgusting words while eating, eat while it’s hot!!

11. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently, and the naked man was furious. , shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

12. The night was dark and windy, and Zhu Bajie was on the moon with Chang'e. My sister was kissing me, and suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly chased me with a nail rake. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei...

13. The earthworm family was very bored today. The little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton. Mother Earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Dad Earthworm thought about it. Thinking about it, he cut himself into minced meat. Mother Earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" It will kill you if you cut it into pieces like this! "Earthworm's father said weakly: "...I suddenly wanted to play football

14. A gambler took 1,000 yuan from home to gamble. A few hours later, he came back.

His wife hurriedly asked: "Has that big bill 'given birth'?"

"Yes, it has given birth." The gambler took out two 10-yuan bills from his pocket. money, and said with a sad face: "Unfortunately, their 'mother' passed away."

15. Which animal likes to ask why?

Passerby: I don’t know

It’s a pig!

Passer-by: Why?

16. Seat belts

The flight attendant announced to the passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. The plane will take off soon

." After the plane took off, the stewardess's voice came from the loudspeaker again. "Please fasten your seat belt more

. I'm sorry, we forgot to load breakfast today."

17. Nun urine test

One day, an old nun felt unwell, so she asked a young nun to take her urine sample to the hospital for examination.

Unfortunately, I was hit by a woman halfway, and all the urine spilled on the ground. The little nun didn't know what to do.

The woman said: "It's just urine, I'll just pay you some compensation." The little nun thought about it and said cheerfully: "Okay"

!

When the test report came out, it was found that the old nun was pregnant!

So the old nun looked up to the sky and sighed: "Are animals unreliable these days, even cucumbers?"

18. The teacher asked the students to make sentences using the word "wrinkles",

Xiaoqiang wrote: There are many wrinkles on my father’s balls.

Teacher’s comment to parents: Don’t show everything to children, as it will have a bad influence.

Xiaoqiang’s father replied:

The child was careless and missed the word "face".

19. Mom often tells Yangyang: "Don't swing on the swing when wearing a skirt; otherwise, the little boys will see the underwear underneath!" One day, Yangyang happily said to her mother: "Today Xiao Ming and I had a swing competition and I won!" Mom said angrily: "Didn't I tell you? Don't swing when wearing a skirt!" Sheep Yang said proudly: "But I'm so smart! I put the inside I took off my underwear so that he couldn’t see my underwear!”

20. I was fired today. The reasons for my firing are as follows:

1 , Work too seriously, one person does the work of two people, adding another laid-off worker in China

2. Look too handsome, so some lesbians have no intention to go to work

3. Being single even at the age of 20 proves that you are not emotionally rich enough

4. You have never flattered someone or respected your leader

5. You are too smart and your work ability is too strong. Sooner or later, they will steal the jobs of people like us

6. Love making friends too much and have too strong social skills. In fact, the reason is the same as the previous one, they are afraid that I will gather people to seek power and usurp the throne

7. I have never made any mistakes at work, which is not a normal human being.

21. The centipede was bitten by a snake.

He was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment.

After diagnosis, the doctor said:

It was anti-venom liquid If it spreads, amputation is necessary!

Centipede thought: Fortunately I have many legs!

The doctor comforted him:

Brother, be more open-minded.

You will be an earthworm from now on.

22. A little tiger came over slowly

Blushingly asked the little squirrel:

"Excuse me, can I eat you?"< /p>

The little squirrel thought this question was quite funny: "Is this your first time eating animals?"

The little tiger was even more embarrassed: "Yes, mom is not at home. "

"Then what did you eat before?"

The little squirrel asked curiously.

…………

“What? Louder, I can’t hear you!”

“Eat milk!”

said After that, the little tiger's face turned redder.

After the little tiger said that, the little squirrel took off his clothes and lifted up his two big breasts~~~~

23. We are going to do a terrible group dance at the Art Festival——

It requires violent and difficult movements such as falling rapidly and raising legs high.

As a result, after just a few days of practice, everyone couldn't stand it.

Some were covered in bruises,

Some had muscle strains... My right leg was injured. It's very serious,

It doesn't obey orders at all!

I went to class on the third floor today.

Oh my God,

I just

straightened my right leg one step at a time. Lift it up.

The most annoying thing is - while walking,

I just heard the two girls behind me muttering in a low voice:

"It's better than schools in big cities." More formal,

If this were our hometown,

People with polio would not be able to go to school at all!

24. There is a man who went to Shaolin to learn martial arts.

The master told him that martial arts focused on internal strength.

He should practice internal strength first,

and then practice external strength.

After that,

The master took out a pipe and asked him to blow into half a tank of water.

When he said he could blow the water in the tank until it overflowed,

It proved that his inner strength had reached the highest level.

So he practiced hard day after day.

Three years later,

there was no effect.

But he thought: Since Master said that, there must be a reason!

So he continued to practice.

After ten years, it still didn’t work.

Finally, he was disappointed,

decided not to practice anymore and prepared to go home.

When he got home, he met his father.

His father asked him,

How did you do after studying under him for ten years?

He felt very embarrassed,

then lowered his head and sighed in defeat,

When he looked up again - his father was gone...

p>

25. Ding Yi, why are you talking in class?

Write your name 100 times again!

This child refuses to change despite repeated admonitions.

Look at his deskmate Xiong Linkui.

He remembered it in just one try~!

26. The FBI's phone rang.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes, what's the matter?" the other party asked.

"I called to report my neighbor Tom. He hid marijuana in the firewood at his house." The whistleblower said.

"We'll investigate," the FBI agent said.

The next day, FBI agents went to Tom's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept and split every piece of firewood.

They found no marijuana, so they scolded Tom and left.

Tom's phone rang.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI chop wood for you?"

"Yes," Tom replied.

"It's your turn to make a call. My garden needs to be plowed."

27. When a king chose a son-in-law, he took a cow to the river and said: Who can make this cow nod first? Then he shook his head and jumped into the river, and I will marry the princess to him.

A butcher came up to the cow and said: "How awesome is that?" The cow nodded.

The butcher said again: Do you know me? The cow shook his head.

The butcher stabbed the cow in the buttocks, and the cow jumped into the river in pain.

The king thought the butcher was rough, so the butcher asked to try again, and the king agreed. .The cow was pulled to the river again.

The butcher came up to the cow and said, "Do you know me?" The cow nodded.

The butcher said again: Can't you return the cow? Shaking his head.

The butcher smiled and said, "Do you know what to do?" The cow turned around and jumped into the river.

The 26-year-old young man bought a birthday gift for his new girlfriend.

They have not been together for a long time, so after careful consideration, the young man

thought that it would be most appropriate to give him a pair of gloves - romantic,

but not too intimate. .

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister,

he went to a department store chain to buy a pair of white lambskin gloves.

My girlfriend’s sister also bought herself a pair of underwear.

The salesperson mixed up the two items when packaging.

As a result, my girlfriend’s sister took the gloves,

and the ones she gave to my girlfriend turned into underwear.

The young man did not check the contents of the package,

sealed it and sent it to his girlfriend,

and attached a note:

Dear of:

I chose this gift,

because of my careful observation.

You always don't use it when you and I go out at night.

If your sister hadn't been there,

I would have chosen the buttoned one.

But she used a short one,

the kind that is easy to take off.

It's a very light shade,

But the lady selling it showed me the same thing she used,

It's been three weeks,

Not dirty at all.

I let her try yours,

She looks great.

I wish I could see you the first time you get wet.

Unfortunately not,

because before I see you next time,

someone else is bound to touch it.

Remember to blow some air into it after taking it off

Because they will become a little damp when used.

Think about it,

How many times will I kiss it in the coming year!

Hope you use it on Friday night,

for me.

Love you with all my heart!