Classic funny jokes

Do you know the benefits of learning some jokes? When we meet for the first time, there is always the embarrassment of not knowing what to say. At this time, you need some jokes to ease the atmosphere. Here, I collected and sorted out the classic funny jokes for you, hoping to help you!

Classic joke 1 1, I remember when I left home, my mother told me: Try to bring a blonde back from Europe and America, my mother likes mixed blood! I said I would fight for it!

My dad said: Just find someone from China. If foreign models don't match, we won't be happy together.

2. The teacher called me just now and said that my son is in puppy love and will go to school tomorrow! I have mixed feelings in my heart. This day has come so quickly! See your in-laws tomorrow. Do I need to wear formal clothes? Will the suit be too exaggerated! I'm so nervous,

3. The so-called unruly exercise is that the buddy shouts: Brother, buddy, others are holding watermelon knives, benches, chairs and steel pipes, but you take off your pants.

I just went to the vegetable market to buy food, and that aunt gave me the wrong change. I took a puff in my head and said, "Don't lie to me, my math teacher died young."

I saw an uncle kicking me next to me.

I really didn't recognize him as my junior high school math teacher! ! !

5, junior high school reunion, we haven't seen each other for more than ten years, and after a few drinks, we began to talk about our respective careers.

The monitor pointed to the Mercedes-Benz outside the door and said, "My doctor."

The vice monitor pointed to the BMW outside the door and said, "Awesome, my lawyer."

The study Committee pointed to the Porsche outside the door and said, "Awesome, my reporter."

I pointed to the taxi outside the door and said, "OK, my brother."

Classic joke 2 1, Wukong, Master, I want to know why we went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures in those years. In those years, we worked hard to walk 108,000 miles, and the earth was only 84,000 miles a week. If we get rid of crooked ways, we should bypass them. Why didn't we go east then?

The Tang Priest suddenly realized, "I'll go, and the Tathagata will yin me!"

I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago. We agreed to calm down for a while. Yesterday, she finally called me. I'm so happy. She: I'm getting married next month. Then come on. Damn it, you don't play by the rules! !

A woman from Beijing traveled to Sanya and took a deep breath when she got off the plane. God, the air is so fresh and the quality is so good! I didn't expect my body to bear such a clean environment. After drinking oxygen, I fainted on the spot due to poisoning reaction. 120 the ambulance arrived in time q: where did the patient come from? A: Beijing! The nurse sighed, unplugged the hose of the oxygen bottle, connected it to the exhaust pipe of the car and gave him several breaths. She woke up slowly and said softly, well, this is the smell of home.

4. I lost the bet today and bought a sanitary brocade for my deskmate. I was about to enter the classroom when the teacher saw me.

Ask me what it is. I said tactfully, it's bread.

The teacher dumped me: stand outside and eat before coming in.

I bought a pair of shoes for my mother today. It's just right for her to try!

I shouted: Mom, you have stretched my shoes!

Mom immediately said to me: You got me pregnant and I didn't say anything! Okay, I was wrong.

Classic funny joke 3 1. I didn't expect to be fired by the company today. I am so sad. The cause of the incident is a sauce purple-yesterday, the leader sent a notice saying that "there will be a meeting at eight o'clock tomorrow morning, and the guys who take you to dinner will gather in the office." This morning: when I went to the office, I was forced! My colleagues all brought laptops, so I took a bowl. ...

Yesterday, on my wife's birthday, I bought a silk scarf and waited for her to come back from work and eat cake with my son at home.

Son: "Dad, I think it's too light to buy silk scarves. Mom will be unhappy!" " "

Me: "I met your mother at the age of 22, and now I'm 44." At present, I spend half my life with her. In my opinion, she will like it! " "

Son: "I 16 years old. At present, I have spent my whole life with this woman. In my opinion, she doesn't like scarves! " "

Me: "ok, I'll buy another gold chain!" " "

The teacher said, "The pig is a very useful animal. Its meat can be eaten, its skin can be made into leather, and its hair can be made into brushes. Now who can tell what other uses it has? "

Xiao Ming said, "Its name can be used to call names."

The teacher said, "Get out."

One day, the teacher was reading the text aloud: "The sun shines on my face, and I am warm, soft and fragrant."

At this moment, Xiao Ming stood up and asked, "Who is Miss Sunshine?"

Teacher: "get out."

5. The Chinese teacher asked Xiaoming.

Chinese teacher: Xiao Ming, what did you say in my humble room? Xiao Ming: I think this author is actually very poor. He has no money to build a house, live in a dilapidated house and can't find a wife. Everyone laughed at him, so he wrote an article to comfort himself! Teacher: Leave the classroom in three seconds. ...

6. After reading the news about prawns in Qingdao,

I saw the news of Qingdao prawn and went to get a haircut today. I looked at the price list carefully and confirmed that it was 15 yuan. I found the manager and the hairdresser, and once again confirmed that it wasn't 15 yuan's hair, so I was relieved. The barber understood my feelings very well, and after cutting his hair, he said with indignation, that shrimp seller is too black-hearted. Don't worry, we are absolutely fair here. Every hair 15 yuan, that's outrageous! Every pair of scissors here 15 yuan.

7. I am waiting for the blood test results in the hospital.

Waiting for the blood results in the hospital. At the scene, a four-or five-year-old girl was pressed by her parents to draw blood, crying frantically: "Aunt nurse, can I not have an injection?" "The nurse said," No way. " Little girl: "I have nothing against you. Why are you doing this to me? "Everyone next to the waterfall sweat! ! ! A child born to a mother who watched Qiong Yao's drama can't stand being hurt.

8. I remember a classmate party.

I remember a class reunion, where men and women sat on a big table, and everyone ordered 1 bottle of beer according to their usual habits. At this time, a second-rate children's shoe asked everyone, "Does anyone drink white?" Everybody shake their heads! Just when everyone thought this guy was too manly, he was a man! The goods shouted, "Waiter, give me a bottle of nutrition express."

Classic funny joke 4 1. A man saw a store having a big sale and went in. "What do you want?" "I want to buy dog food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a rule?" "This is the case with goods on sale." The man has been grinding with the salesman for a long time, but the salesman still refuses to sell it to him. No way, the man had to go home and bring the dog before buying dog food. A few days later, the man went to this store to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a cat." It was the same shop assistant, and the man dawdled with her for a long time and finally had to go home and take the cat to buy cat food. A few days later, the man came to the shop with a big cardboard box with a hole in it and found the salesman. "What can I do for you?" "Just put your hand in and you'll know." The salesman put his hand in: "What is it? Very sticky. " "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

2. A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough.

Some people like the dish "spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked in disappointment. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter replied. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman's food has been eaten almost, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. The man thought that a gentleman had wasted delicious food, so he went up to the gentleman and pointed to the "spicy vermicelli pot" and politely asked, "Do you want more, sir?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he swallowed half. Suddenly, he found a little mouse lying at the bottom of the casserole with all its hair. A burst of nausea, the man spit all the fans he had eaten back into the casserole. When he had a stomachache there, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" I am like this ... "

On this day, the hotel owner is patrolling the lobby. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came to ask for a toothpick. The boss thought, why do beggars want toothpicks instead of rice now? I also gave him one to send away, not too old, and another beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too?" The beggar said, "Someone threw up and I came late. The first two beggars ate everything they could, and now there is only soup left. " Can you give me a straw?

5, boss, the second child flies, the second child is airsick and vomits. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second child said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half of it and throw up."

6. A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" " The nun said, "God will punish you for swearing as a priest. "The words sound just fell and she heard a loud thunder chopping the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of god from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

7. The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

8. Three white rabbits picked a mushroom.

The two big ones let the small one get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The younger one said I wouldn't go. If I leave, you will eat my mushrooms.

The two older ones said no and went ~ ~ ~

Half a year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The big one can't come back. Let's eat. Another big one said, wait ~ ~ a year has passed, and the little white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The two big ones don't have to wait for us to eat. Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I know you want to eat my mushrooms.

9. We say that a bear without a tail is called a koala, so what is a bear without a penis called? The answer is the female bear, because the female bear has no penis.

10. In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

Classic joke 5 1, the sky is blue, the sea is deep, and nothing a man says is true'; Love is eternal, blood is bright red, and it is impossible for a man not to fight; When a man has money, he is destined for everyone. If a person can rely on it, pigs can climb trees.

2. Wife's Quotation: You are allowed to get drunk and hook up with girls, but you must return to the team at night. If you dare to break my heart and my lungs, I will definitely cripple your third leg and let your bird sleep forever.

The old couple went to take photos. The photographer asked, "Grandpa, do you want side light, back light or full light?" My uncle said shyly, "I don't care." Can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

A group of ants climbed up the elephant's back, but they were knocked down. Only one ant sticks to the elephant's neck. The ant below shouted: strangle him, strangle him, small sample, what a fucking retrogression!

The child stole a parrot from a brothel. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot called, Move! Seeing his mother, he shouted: The boss has changed, too! Seeing his sister, he shouted, Miss has changed! Seeing his father, he shouted, I'm still an old customer!

6, the long road of life, who is not bad! Family to take care of, lovers to get along! There is a cook at home, a kind-hearted person outside, a nice table and a missing person in the distance! Keep two, keep one, develop three, four, five, six, seven!

7. Mice are particularly depressed without girlfriends. Finally, a bat agreed to marry him, and the mouse was very happy. Others laughed at his lack of foresight. Mouse: What do you know? She is at least a stewardess.

8. On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and pig off the plane. Then the parrot said to the pig, "Come on, I can fly."

9. Driving for the boss is too thrilling. Last week, a group of people parked their car on a quiet road, pulled my boss out of the car and beat him up. Before he left, he was warned to offend people. I drove there again today, and there was a crowd in front. When the boss saw me, he asked me to change my seat and gave me100000 yuan. I gritted my teeth and agreed As a result, the gang pulled the boss out of the car again, and soon there was the voice of the boss crying in ghosts. When they left, they said to me: Let's get rid of your driver this time, and it will be you next time.

10, I lost my key and asked my mother to bring it to me. Mom: You are a big man. You can't even look at anything. Are you full of donkey dung? You keep talking, and my head is covered with blood. Mom lost her key: I told you to come back and deliver the key! A big man can't even count on this! Poplar is so big! Look at him! That's right again. I can't stop. Dog blood is dripping on my head.

1 1. A child asked the rich man: Uncle, how did you become so rich? The rich man replied: When my uncle was young, my father gave me an apple. I didn't eat it. I sold it. Then I bought two apples and sold four apples ... The child said thoughtfully: Uncle, I understand. The rich man said, what do you know? Later, my father died and gave me all his property.

12, a netizen posted a question: "I'm going to attend my ex-girlfriend's wedding tomorrow, and the bride and groom are going to propose a toast. What should I do and say something more appropriate? " Everyone helps. "God replied," Pick up the glass and tell the groom that the bride is beautiful. I will do it first. Whatever! "

First, many things are supported by satiety, such as losing weight.

Second, God gave you a pair of deceptive eyes, but you rolled your eyes with them. This is a waste of resources.

A drunk came home in the middle of the night, and his wife complained that he was late. The drunkard explained, "There are two salesmen who have been pestering me." His wife said, "What did they sell you?" Husband: "Do they ask me for money or death?"

Fourth, in the past, mail was slow, and I only loved one person in my life. Now the network technology is developed, and 50 people can be green in one day.

Having dinner with a friend, he asked me to pay the bill. I feel particularly unfair: "Why should I invite you this time? Last time I ate mala Tang, last time I ate mutton kebabs, last time I ate Lamian Noodles and so on. Which time didn't you invite? "

6. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

Seven, the invigilator's geographical location around the classmate relationship = final exam results.

The difference between stars and us is that they walk the red carpet and we walk the zebra crossing.

9. "Can I touch your school badge?" "You actually said that chest attack is so fresh and refined!"

Ten, you are the wind, I am sand, you are toothpaste, I am a brush, you are Hami, I am a melon, you don't love me, I commit suicide.

1 1. I'm looking for a boyfriend. If you are interested, please bring your resume, copy of unmarried certificate and health certificate. The terms are negotiable. Don't vote for experienced people!

Twelve, my husband has been collecting debts from the boss for almost half a year, and there is still no result. My wife decided to do it herself. A month later, the wife happily said to her husband, "I'm not afraid of his breach of contract this time." I kidnapped his child! " "The husband asked," where are you? The wife patted her belly: "I locked him here!" " "

Thirteen, take your hand and drag the child away. If the child doesn't go, he will continue to drag away if he is dizzy!

Fourteen, when you suddenly don't reply to my message, I always comfort myself: nothing, you are probably dead.

Fifteen, I have a learning heart, but I have a failed life; I have a heart to lose weight, but I live a life of eating goods.

Sixteen, a couple quarreled. Woman: Get as far away from my brain as possible! ! The man said quietly, according to your idea, I should stay where I am.

17. I just went to buy medicine and suddenly forgot the name of the medicine. The drugstore owner said, I have been selling medicine for 30 years. As long as you know the two words in the medicine, I will know what medicine it is. I thought for a long time and said, I only know the last two words. The boss said, what words? I said: capsules.

Eighteen, eat today, blind date at the next table. Woman: "Do you have a car?" Man: "Yes, Audi A8." Woman: "Did you buy a house?" Man: "Yes, 140 flat, by the river." Woman: "May I ask what the annual salary is?" Male: "The basic salary1600,000 or so." Woman: "What do you do?" Man: "dreaming." Next to a few tables, the sound of water spraying and coughing.

Nineteen, we have entered an era when mobile phones are computers, computers are televisions, and televisions are furnishings.

Twenty years ago, primary school students ate spicy strips and college students drank coffee. Ten years later, primary school students eat Haagen-Dazs and college students eat spicy strips. that this is not the important question. The point is who ate the spicy strips or those people.

Twenty-one, do you want to get rich overnight? Do you want to be worth more than 100 million? Do you need food and clothing? If you like, why don't you stay with me and we'll think together.

Twenty-two, an orangutan came to the zoo, which was extremely ugly. The tourists didn't spit when they saw it. The first day, I went to see it, and I threw up. The next day, when you went to see the orangutan, I wondered why the gap between people was so big!

Twenty-three, a big mouse strayed into a flower shop and was chased by a Xiaohua Mall. The rat found that there was no way out, so he picked up a bunch of roses to prepare for low resistance. When Xiaohua Mall saw it, he immediately lowered his head and said shyly, Sorry, I'm still young!

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