Need a lot of cold jokes urgently?

1, a male deer, it goes faster and faster, and finally becomes a highway (deer)! ! ! !

2. Two tomatoes cross the road, a car flies by, one of them can't escape and is squashed, and the other tomato points to the squashed tomato and laughs: dig hahaha, ketchup …

The wolf said, "I will eat you!" ! ! "Guess what?

As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

4. The stone fights with the rice cake, and the stone flies and kicks the rice cake into the sea. ..........

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who decided to join the army for life, so they made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and agreed to meet her three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl has been waiting for the boy, but she can't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away. However, the boy has been waiting.

Rice cake! ! !

5. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl?

Answer the boy because jiaozi has a foreskin.

6. There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" From then on, he became a cucumber! !

7. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death …

8. Once upon a time, there was a bird.

He passes through a cornfield every day.

But unfortunately,

One day, a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn.

After the bird flew over, ...

I think it will be very cold if it snows. ...

9. When will Taiwan Province Province be reunified?

When buying instant noodles

10. Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one.

A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: Tomb-Sweeping Day.

1 1. Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a merlin nearby, which may arrive in a moment. "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."12. A girl is lovelorn. I advised her: "Toads with two legs are hard to find, and men with three legs are plentiful!" "

13. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

14. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak meet in the street. Why don't they say hello (assuming they can talk)?

because ..............

because ................

Because they are all strangers ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15. Question: How to make sparrows quiet?

Answer: Click.

Reason: Silence (silence).

16. A college student was unfortunately caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Say, where are you from?" I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! ! ! "College students replied to the enemy's words and were electrocuted. ...

He said, "I'm from TV University!"

17.a: "I'll take you to a place where all girls don't wear bras."

B: "Really? Where is it? Take me away! "

A: "It's in the kindergarten next door!"

18. Wang, the host of Happy Dictionary, interviewed a program audience and asked, "Who is your favorite hostess?" The audience said, "It's you." Wang asked, "Why do you say that?" The audience said, "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan!"

19. Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It is white.

Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (a white man)

20. Why did Xiao Ming fall?

Please think twice ........................

Because the floor is slippery.

2 1. After the party, a group of animals rushed into the 7- 1 1 convenience store to buy things. Because it was too noisy, the clerk knocked it out, but left the lamb alone in the store. Why?

Convenience stores are open 24 hours a day. ...

22. The glass and coffee cup crossed the road together, and suddenly someone shouted: Here comes the bus!

As a result, the glass was hit by a car and the coffee cup was fine. Why?

Coffee cups have ears!

23. A horse said that our company has launched a new product, Ass 3, or MP3…… for short ...

24. I hate two kinds of people most:

First, there is racial discrimination;

The second is black;

Third, I can't count!

25. Thanks to madoka ozawa Gang, Ran Asakawa, Ai Nagase, Sanzhu liang zi, Gao Qiao Maria, Kawamoto Dance, Youmu Pupil, Natsume Mishi, Naomai Qinchi, Shiraishi, Kudo Kwai, Seiichi Kosha, kishida fumio, Zewaixing, Fujisaki Ayaka, Yeshanづき and Chihiro Inoue. When I was in the worst spirit, they came to comfort me at the right time; When I was exhausted from playing CS, it was they who made me feel unobstructed pleasure. When I feel depressed, they make me feel excited ~

26. Now the accuracy of earthquake prediction has really improved a lot, only two words are missing this time: the prediction is in Heilongjiang, but the result is in Jiujiang!

27. Jane Zhang said, "My fans say my idol is Ying."

He Jie said: "My fans say my idol is Jay."

"My fans say my idol is Chang."

Chris Lee said: "You talk, I'll go first!"

28. Five Fuwa get together to chat.

Beibei suggested: Let's give ourselves a nickname. I'll call it Beva!

Jingjing: Then my name is Jingwa!

Huanhuan: My name is Huanwa!

Nini: My name is "Niwa"!

Yingying stood up and said, You can chat. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

It is said that in 2058, five Fuwa got together to chat again.

Beibei: Let's talk about our nicknames again. People respect me very much and call me "Mr. Bei"!

Huanhuan: People call me "Ye Huan"!

Nini: Everyone calls me Grandpa Ni!

Yingying: Everyone calls me Yingying!

Jingjing stood up and said, You talk. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

29. When winter came, I decided to keep the habit of taking a cold bath, but after washing, I found myself back to my childhood! ! !

30. Celery was walking when he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Then he let out a hiss. What did you say he took out? That's celery dung (diligence)! ! ! What color is celery (vegetable) dung?

Answer: yellow.

Because: Qin Shihuang (Qin Shihuang)

3 1. There is a fat man.

Jump off the top of the twentieth floor. ...

It turned out to be .....

Fat man! !

Once upon a time, there was a piece of bread. It felt hungry and ate itself.

Once upon a time, there was a glass of beer. It felt thirsty and drank it. ..

Once upon a time, there was a virgin who felt tired and let herself fall asleep.

33. Who is the ancestor of mankind?

It's peanuts because peanuts ~ ~ ~

34. Which ancient figure was a white-collar worker?

Meng Mu's Three Movements (Thousands)

35. Zhang Fei: "Stop the old thief!"

Yan Yan: "Ring-eyed thief! Dismount and die! "

Police car: "Listen, two thieves ~ ~ ~ You are surrounded ~ ~ ~ Drop your weapons ..."

36. How did the ants die after falling from the Himalayas?

Answer: I am starving. Because it is too light, it will take a long time to float down …

37. The world's largest KB diary

Old bear was about to write a diary when he found that the diary had been used up. He wanted to go out and buy another book, but it was already twelve o'clock at night. But he rode his bike and looked for it in the dark street. After searching for a long time, I finally found a bookstore and went before closing. He likes a diary very much, so he asks his boss how much it costs.

The boss said in a low voice, "This is imported, and the price should be set in 70 yuan ..."

The old bear said, "It's so expensive, but I have to pay 50 yuan."

The boss said, "It doesn't matter, even if you are at 50 yuan."

The old bear said happily, "Thank you, boss."

The boss said in a very low and gloomy voice, "When you buy it back, don't turn to the last page, or something very KB will happen." Don't blame me for not reminding you! "

The old bear said, "Well, I see."

Old bear bought his diary home. He opened the package and put it on the table in front of the room window. At this time, he wants to take a bath and then come out to write a diary. ...

After taking a shower, Lao Xiong found that the window in front of the desk was actually open, and the wind blew the diary page by page ... When the last page was blown, Lao Xiong stepped forward to stop it, but it was too late, and the last page was blown away by the wind.

KB happened ... I saw the old bear let out a scream because he saw the last page, which read:

(Please pull down)

.

.............. pulls again. ...

.

.

.

.

Keep pulling ...

.

.

.

Soon, pull a little more ...

.

.

.

.

.

Well, I'm finally going to pull a little …

.

.

.

.

The last page reads-Pricing: 3 yuan.

7 1. Life is like shit, once washed away, it will never come back.

Life is like shit, it always looks like that, but it's different every time.

Life is like shit, sometimes it's cool, and sometimes it's tangled with five senses!

Life is like shit, you never know what you will pull out. ..

Life is like shit. If you want results, you must plant them first.

Life is like shit, you often work hard for a long time, but only a few farts come out. ..

Life is like shit, even if it is beautifully decorated, the essence is still the same. ..

Life is like shit, only you have to face it silently and bravely.

So, as people often say—

"You go to eat shit! 」

In fact, his original intention is "you should seriously integrate into your own life." 』

72. A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and did a lot of tests.

The doctor said: There is good news and bad news! After reading your test results, I found that you have a potential homosexual tendency! ! And it's hard to cure!

This guy said, oh, my god! What's the good news?

The doctor said shyly, I found you very cute ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

73. One day, the physics teacher of a class in a girls' middle school called in sick.

Forty female students are expecting who will take this course.

In physics class, he is actually a handsome male teacher.

A female classmate teased and said, Teacher, can we play some exciting games instead of class?

The male teacher was silent for a moment and said:

Ok ~ ~

Dear students, put away your textbooks and take the exam now!

One day, Sister Cockroach came back crying. ..

Papa cockroach asked, "What happened to my daughter? 」

Sister cockroach said, "Dad! Why do people call me a pest! Meowed ... "

Brother Cockroach came back at this moment, and he said happily:

"dad! For the first time in my life, someone greeted me warmly ~ "

Father cockroach asked, "Really? What did they say? 」

Cockroach: I just went out. When they saw me, they said:

"ah! ~ ~ ~ ~ worm ~ "

75. Tang Priest: You should find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures this time!

Wukong: Flying is faster than riding! !

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster! ! !

Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, I heard this thing will be sent to the west soon. ...

76. A hunter went hunting with his hounds and wandered around the forest all day without any prey.

It was dark, but he continued riding in the Woods.

The horse suddenly said,' You won't even let me rest. You want to kill me! ? '

The hunter got a fright, immediately got off his horse and ran away with the hounds.

When I ran under the big tree to catch my breath,

The dog patted him on the chest and said to him:

Scared me to death, horses can talk! '

So the hunter was scared to death on the spot. ..............

77. A candy, walking in the North Pole, feels so cold-so it becomes rock sugar! ! !

78. A cabbage, undressing while walking, finally disappeared. .....

79. A bear comes prepared.

The eleventh book is incredible (book 1 1)

The sheep stopped breathing and stood high (the sheep didn't breathe)

80. A black cat saved a white cat from the river. Do you know what the white cat said to the black cat later?

It says: aim ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

8 1. Who will be eliminated, wolf, tiger or lion? wolf

Because: Momotaro (exterminating wolves)

82. How to make drinks bigger?

Read the great compassion mantra

83. A thief steals from someone else's house. When he entered the room, he saw that there was no one in the room, but he was poor and left 200 yuan. ...

84. A condom feels itchy, so it scratches ... Guess what?

This is fatal. ..................

85. Rogue+Rogue =?

= rogue rabbit (2)-Xiaobai+Xiaobai = = Little white rabbit.

86. I bought a TV set made by China Unicom, and I kept choosing channels, but there was no signal. At this moment, the TV spoke: The TV you dialed is not in service area, please redial later …

87. One day, I fell down with a match and broke my head. I went to the hospital to dress it. It turned into a cotton swab! ! !

88. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is about to fall down. Go and help the tower alone. Who is he?

John (because of john travolta)

89. Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to make clay sculptures. One day, he grabbed a quick clay sculpture on a whim and pinched it. As a result, he pinched a clay figurine, which was naked and ugly. He thought and thought. Suddenly, he had a good idea to make the clay figurine's hair and beard with grass. He was so satisfied with his work that he named it "Uncle Cao Ni". .......................

90. One of my classmates from Xiamen University was once caught by the enemy when he went out! The enemy also trapped him on a telephone pole and said, "We asked a person which school he went to, and he called him from RTVU, and then we electrocuted him-you didn't say anything, so did you!" My classmate said that I am from Xiamen University.

9 1. What will sharks become when they eat mung beans?

Mung bean paste

92. Dear, who is more beautiful than Lin Chi-ling and me?

of course it is you ......................

Haha, honey, I love you! By the way, why do you think I'm beautiful?

Recently a little tired ..............

93. A child cried, and his father said, "Be good, don't cry. Later, Dad will take you to the vegetable market to watch others eat sugar ............................. "

94. The first university reunion was held in the zoo.

Everyone * * * the reason is:

Only here can I feel that I am still alone ~ ~ ~ ~

95. The whole family is lazy.

My father asked my mother to do housework, and my mother asked my elder sister to do it if she didn't want to.

Big sister doesn't want to do it, so let her do it.

But my sister didn't want to do it either, so she let the dog do it.

One day, a guest came home and was surprised to find that the dog was doing housework.

Ask the dog: Can you do housework?

The dog said, if they don't do it, I will!

The guest is even more surprised: can you talk?

Puppy: Shh! Keep your voice down Otherwise, they know I can talk and let me answer the phone!

96. "I finally got my wife's heart back from my pet dog! 」

"Really? ! Isn't your wife a dog lover How did you do that? 」

"In fact, it is very simple. I just gave my wife's carefully cooked food to the dog. The dog didn't want to eat it, but I ate it with relish! 」

97. A university has been worried about stray dogs on campus.

Stray dogs sometimes bark at people unintentionally.

Some dogs will run to the classroom during class and then lie down in front of the podium …

One day, the bell rang and the students came into the classroom one after another.

At this moment, I saw a stray dog wagging its tail and swaggering into the classroom. Seeing that the professor didn't look up, I squatted in front of the platform.

At this time, the professor could not help but loudly denounced:

"quick! Somebody get rid of this dog, it's already in this class! ..」

98. The stewardess walked up to the man who protested loudly.

The man shouted: "I want to protest to this airline!" "

I sit in the same seat every time I fly. No movies, not even curtains! I can't sleep! 」

The stewardess said, "Forget it ~ Captain, stop it! 」

99. The girl questioned her boyfriend ...

Woman: "I called you that day. Why did a girl answer the phone?" ! ? 」

Man: "Wrong! How is that possible? 」

Woman: "Really ~ She also told me" The number you dialed doesn't respond, please leave a message after the beep! "Go ahead! Who the hell is she! ? 」

100. One day, Xiao Ming went to the cashier to sing and ordered a dream soup made by Hong Ming.

After waiting for a long time, he didn't come out, so Xiaoming rang the service bell.

As soon as the new waiter came in, he said politely, "What can I do for you, sir?"

Xiao Ming: "Why hasn't the Meng Po soup I ordered come yet?"

Waiter: "OK, sir, I'll help you hurry the kitchen!" " "

10 1. I was hungry last night and wanted to cook some rice porridge. Because the dormitory is small, the rice cooker can only be cooked on the ground, and the porridge maker knows how much porridge will overflow, so on the ground ... at noon the next day, MM came to the dormitory to wake me up. When she opened the door and saw a white sticky thing on the ground, she was full of tears and suddenly jumped up and hugged me tightly, sobbing, "I decided to sleep with you tonight, and I will never be SY again!"

102. I just passed the computer room of a primary school and suddenly found a piece of paper posted on their window, which read: Prevent Mars from flying into the room!

I thought: this school is science fiction, and then I thought ... Oh. ...

103. I stood up and offered my seat to a pregnant woman. She looked at me doubtfully, and suddenly understood, crying and laughing: classmate, I am fat!

104. If you can't find a job, you must save face ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

105. Travel with my girlfriend and stay in a hotel at night. In the evening, the phone in the room rang, and a delicate female voice asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Get out, don't need it!" Just hang up the phone, the phone rings again, or ask if you want service, and then scold! Soon, the phone rang again. This time, my girlfriend was annoyed and picked up the phone and said, "Don't bother me anymore, I got here before you!" " "This move is really smart. There was no harassing phone call all night ... when it was almost dawn, the phone woke us up again. My girlfriend was very angry and picked up the phone and shouted, "Stop fighting, aunt, I've been with you all night!" ! "

Who knows that in a short time, the door was knocked down, and two policemen stood at the door, holding documents in their hands, and said to me with dignity: "Go ahead! Where is the lady who came last night! ! ! "

106. On this sacred day of Valentine's Day, I want to pay for a song for all my lovers to express my blessing, which is Fish Leong's Happy Parting! ! !

107. The final exam is coming, and we advise you not to watch unlucky movies, such as Hanging the Red Lantern High. ...................................

108. The army recruits animals to fight in the army.

So all the animals in the forest should come for a physical examination.

The number one monkey really doesn't want to join the army.

He looked at his long tail.

So the tooth took a hard bite and decided to break him.

After going in ...

The doctor said: the monkey's tail is broken, so he is disabled and doesn't need to be a soldier.

The second rabbit saw the monkey do this.

I also resolutely broke my long ears.

After going in ...

The military doctor said: the rabbit's ear is broken, it's disabled, so he doesn't need to be a soldier …

The third black bear thought. ..

"What if the ears are so short and the tail is almost the same?" 』

Kind rabbits and monkeys come to help him find a way. ..

Suddenly the monkey shouted, I know it's disabled to knock out your teeth!

So the monkey and the rabbit gave the black bear a good beating.

Break all his teeth. .....

Although the black bear was in pain, he was happy to go in for a physical examination.

Soon after, I saw the black bear come out with his mouth covered.

Cry and say ...

Asshole ... they said I was too fat to be a soldier.

109. One day, three garbage cans were walking in the street. ...

They walked side by side in the order of large, medium and small. ...

Walking, the small trash can said to the trash can in the middle, "Brother, why don't we walk faster?"

The trash can said, "This is about to ask Big Brother!" " "

So, the trash can said to the big trash can, "Brother, why don't we walk faster?"

The big trash can said impatiently, "I see!" " "

After a few more steps, the big trash can suddenly stopped. It said to small and medium-sized trash cans: "We are trash cans. How can we walk? "

1 10. Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me question you.

Squid said happily, cuff it!

Then the man roasted the squid. ..

1 1 1. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water.

"tnnd~~ what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

1 12. One day, Mr. Wang drove home.

Suddenly there was a big rush next to him, and when he passed by, the driver shouted at him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big run?" Say that finish, 1 of "sou" took off.

Mr. Wang was very angry and stepped on the gas to catch up.

Seeing him catch up, the driver stretched out his head and shouted to him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big run?" Then, the whoosh disappeared again.

"Mama of, cow B what!" Mr. Wang felt better after scolding, so he stopped chasing.

After driving for a while,

Mr. Wang saw that the bus just turned over on the side of the road. He was curious and slowly approached.

I saw the driver is under the car, a faint said:

"The elder brothers, ran a catastrophe? Do you know where its brakes are? "

1 13. I used to have schizophrenia, but now we are all well ~ ~ ~ ~

1 14. An international student is taking a driver's license test in the United States, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He's not sure. He asked the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

1 15. One day, mung bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and turned into red beans; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

1 16. Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

1 17. There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked. ...

1 18. One day, the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

1 19. A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

On the wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

120. In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

12 1. Two people fell into the trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living?

A: Call for help!

122. Someone looks like a sweet potato and fell down while walking. ...

123. Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

Is that enough? Not enough, and

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