The story of mother-in-law and Wan Doujian

Screenwriter: Tong Yongjun

Character:

Ajian (screen name is Lianhuabai, a reporter for a newspaper)…………………… ……………………Chen Jian

Xiao Zheng (net name Wandoujian, Ajian’s wife)…………………………………………An Zheng

Grandma Zhang (online name: Winter Melon Flower, citizen)……………………………… support the army

Current opening:

< p>Xiao Zheng (holding a pen and a piece of paper in his hand, thinking, and reading while correcting the manuscript in his hand) divorce agreement, the man, A Jian, screen name, Lianhua Bai, C newspaper reporter, the woman, Xiao Zheng, whose online name is Wandoujian, is the website operations director of 3WC.COM.CN. Reason for divorce: Since the man and the woman were married for 1256 days and 8 hours, they quarreled for 706 days, brackets, and the rest of the time they were sleeping or not together, brackets back. Now the relationship between the two has a crack as wide as Fujiang...

Ajian: (hurrying up with a camera bag on his back) Wife, is the rice ready? I'm back.

Xiao Zheng: (hands it over angrily) Come on, this dish is called boiled lotus white and stir-fried pea tips. I also bought Erguotou.

Ajian: (looking at it) I’ve provoked you again. I ran for two interviews in a row today. After handing in the manuscript, I drove back and got stuck in traffic. In order to see you earlier, I got out of the car and ran 135,555 centimeters, which took more than 3,000 seconds. Look, the water in Fujiang River rose by 2 centimeters. That was my sweat.

Xiao Zheng: Blow it, it didn’t even wet the tip of the hair, and it made the Fujiang River water rise. Even if you put together several years of sweat and tears, you won’t be able to catch a bowl.

Ajian: How come you don’t understand people at all? Although I’m not as good looking as Pan An, and I don’t make as much money as Bill Gates, my heart is loyal to you. Do you know why I named my subnet Lotus White? I just hope that our love will become tighter and tighter like the white lotus flower.

Xiao Zheng: Everyone says that when you get married, you have to marry Big Big Wolf. Look, since I married you, you have told me on the ground at all times that I want to interview and write articles. Please don’t disturb me if you are the one. , you are busy during the day and I am busy too, and at night when you are busy I stay in the vacant room. You make me cry all day long. A few days ago, your mother was still asking me why my stomach still hasn’t responded after being married for so long. Think about it, do I still dare to give birth to you? You didn't have time to take care of me when I was born, and I didn't have time to take care of you either. When you grow up, you will be an orphan who causes trouble.

(Ajian held the divorce agreement and remained silent, while Xiaozheng stuck out his butt and sat down with his back to Ajian without saying a word.)

Grandma Zhang: My actual age is 78 this year. She looks like a winter melon, and her online name is Winter Melon Flower. She has been a matchmaker for decades, arranging to find wives and give birth to babies. Today I want to meet this pair, one is a handsome man and the other is a pretty girl. He is warm-hearted towards people, not arrogant when meeting others, and the couple never quarrels. They are the most reliable people when I work with them.

(Mr. Zhang unknowingly walked to the door of Jian and his wife and knocked on the door)

Ajian and Xiaozheng: (stand up and respond at the same time) Who is it?

Grandma Zhang: Lotus white, lotus white, pea tip, pea tip, I am winter melon flower. If you hear me, please answer me. If you hear me, please answer me.

Ajian: (The face turned cloudy, he stood up and opened the door. At the same time, Xiao Zheng's face also turned cloudy, but he still sat there motionless) Granny Zhang, hello, please come in.

Grandma Zhang: (Looking around after entering the door) Yeah, you and your wife have been married for several years and they are still having a romantic affair. It is already dark and you still don’t turn on the lights.

Xiao Zheng: (Immediately stood up and pulled Granny Zhang aside) Granny Zhang, I want to divorce him.

Grandma Zhang: (Sitting on the ground in fright, then talking to Wang Qipa) What? divorce? Don't ruin my reputation. I have introduced dozens of couples, and not one of them has ever gotten divorced.

Xiao Zheng: From morning to night, he was either interviewing or writing articles. I asked him to help me find connections and find a job for my brother. He only had one word: "difficult".

Ajian: I won’t talk about you either. Either your old cousin or your brother came to see me today. I am just a little reporter. My dad is not Li Gang, our boss. Nor Li Gang.

Xiao Zheng: When your neighbors ask for your help, you don’t help. You often work overtime at night, and you don’t even have the function of an electric blanket. There is no me in your eyes.

Ajian: Don’t say so much. I have been a reporter for more than 2,000 days. I have not been beaten by the gangsters or developers. Since I married you, I have been beaten by her every night, just by him. Kick. Also, no matter how tired I am when I come home, I will always see her sitting in front of the computer, either chatting or stealing food.

Xiao Zheng: As the operations director of a large website, surfing the Internet is my job. Dogs biting motorcycles do not understand science. Currently, 1.1 billion of the 1.3 billion Chinese people are surfing the Internet, and another 200 million are on Taobao. I dare say that if Li Bai were still alive today, he would not write any poetry. Maybe he would choose an online name like "Li Xunhuan" and play legend with Yang Guifei on the Internet every day. The Internet is a potentially huge market, and I go online to seize this business opportunity.

Grandma Zhang: Okay, you two, stop quarreling. Everyone talks about encouraging quarrels and reconciliation, but not dispersal. But you two are justified in arguing that we are in public, and you are justified in arguing that we are in conflict with each other. I am also trying to persuade you to disagree. I will do something immoral and hold a grand divorce ceremony for you. For marriage, you need to apply for the certificate first and then get the certificate. For divorce, you need to get the certificate first and then get the certificate. I think it’s better to choose a different date than to hit it. The ceremony will be held today. (Facing the audience) Do you want to get it?

Audience: Yes.

Grandma Zhang: (clears throat) Now I announce that the divorce ceremony of Mr. Lianhuabai and Miss Wandoujian has begun. Welcome the two old people to enter. Please applaud vigorously.

(Ajian, Xiao Zheng funnyly walked the awkward catwalk to the mall, and then stood on both sides of Granny Zhang, turning their heads in one direction)

Grandma Zhang: Ms. Wandoujian, please You swear in front of a check of 1 million that no matter how considerate, rich or loving Mr. Lianhuabai is in the future, you will never have sex with him?

Xiao Zheng: I swear, I will never have sex with him. My pea tip is willing to grow next to a pile of cow dung, and I don't want this tall lotus to block my brilliance.

Grandma Zhang: Mr. Lianhuabai, please swear in front of the interview book and the camera. From now on, no matter how virtuous, touching or loving Ms. Pea Tip is, you will not be willing to be with her.

Ajian: When I first saw the divorce agreement he wrote, I didn’t want a divorce, but now, I swear, I don’t want to live with her anymore. There are no fragrant grasses anywhere in the world, so why should I care about a pea tip.

Grandma Zhang: Okay, here are the two old friends, please close your eyes, cover your brother with your hands and curse each other for 5 seconds. Please time it to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Granny Zhang: Now I would like to ask the two old men to take off the rings in your hands and return them to each other.

(Xiao Zheng and A Jian each took off their rings and gave them to each other angrily, then returned to their original positions and stood)

Grandma Zhang: I’d like to invite the old couple below. The parents of both parties came on stage and asked our Mr. Lotus White to hold Ms. Pea Tip's legs and return her to her parents.

Xiao Zheng and A Jian: (looking at Granny Zhang in shock at the same time) What’s going on, do you still have to call them after the divorce?

Grandma Zhang: You have to call them when you get married, why not call them when you get divorced? If something happens after you two get divorced, how can your old man find me? Who told me to leave my beautiful reputation to someone else to find a wife and give birth to a baby?

Xiao Zheng: No.

Ajian: No way.

Grandma Zhang: What are you embarrassed about?

Xiao Zheng: (embarrassingly) Actually, I, I am busy sometimes. He was the one who visited my mother all the time. One month, my mother was hospitalized. He did interviews during the day and wrote articles in the ward at night. , my mother likes him very much. If they knew it, they wouldn't scold me to death.

Ajian: (quietly) In fact, Wandoujian is quite attentive. I often go out for interviews and don’t have time, so she has to take care of everything for my mother.

Grandma Zhang: (She chuckled, ignored the two of them, and then sat aside and started singing with her left voice) The star is still the same star, the moon is still the same moon...

Xiao Zheng , Ajian: (One person leans against Granny Zhang)

Xiao Zheng: Granny Zhang.

Ajian: Winter melon flower.

Grandma Zhang: Claws!

Xiao Zheng, A Jian: The ceremony is not over yet.

Grandma Zhang: OK, the divorce ceremony continues. Here, please close your eyes again, hold hands one last time, and answer my questions.

Excuse me, Ms. Wandoujian, can you still hear the sound of the other person’s pulse beating for the last time?

(Xiao Zheng turned to the side, silent, his eyes were sore, Granny Zhang asked again after a while)

Excuse me, Mr. Lianhuabai, is the other person’s hand still as warm as before? ?

(Ajian didn’t say anything and turned his face to the side. After a while, Granny Zhang spoke seriously again)

Since you are both speechless, it means that you have no feelings. Your fate is really true. Exhausted. Please let go of your hands. Now we, the guests here, applaud again and send these old couple to the bridal chamber. Oh, wrong, wrong, send these old couple to the Civil Affairs Bureau.

(Xiao Zheng, A Jian: sadly, slowly exited, walked a few steps, and turned back at the same time)

Xiao Zheng: Granny Zhang, I just heard his pulse beating The sound was gone. (Slowly walking back, holding Granny Zhang’s hand with tears streaming down her face)

Ajian: Granny Zhang, I feel it too, her hand is still very warm. (Slowly walking back, holding Grandma Zhang’s hand with tears streaming down her face)

Grandma Zhang: (Prudently pulling their hands together) Listen to the beating of each other’s pulse again, again Feel the other person's warmth.

Xiao Zheng, A Jian: Winter melon flowers, we will never leave.

Grandma Zhang: (stomps her feet) Oh, by the way, Li Shazi, although you two are both hairy, but you get an electric shock when you look at each other, your hands tremble when you pull them, you don’t say love with your mouth, but you pretend to be in your heart. Love makes me uncomfortable, old woman.

Xiao Zheng, A Jian (smiling sheepishly)

(The music of "Let the World Be Full of Love" starts)

Grandma Zhang: Come on, come on, I give you and your wife a gift (light the torch) and let this holy torch turn into a delicate rose and accompany you forever.

(Magic show in words, the torch slowly turns into a rose)

Xiao Zheng, Ajian: (takes the rose and kisses it) Come on, Winter Melon Flower, we treat you to KFC.

Grandma Zhang: Yes, I eat pea tips and white lotus flowers all day long. It’s time to change my taste.

Xiao Zheng and A Jian: (leaving the stage holding Granny Zhang’s hand) If you want, let’s go.

(While walking, do 88 to the audience, and the music gradually ends)