After a long time, I finally want to look up.

My birthday present to myself in 2020 is a book "May you grow up slowly". What cured me was the last two sentences written by Liu Yu in the article: Good luck. If not, I wish you learn compassion in misfortune, I wish you are loved by many people, if not, I wish you learn tolerance in loneliness.

I looked up the meaning of "compassion", and the explanation on Baidu is: "In Buddhist terms, giving people happiness is called compassion, and pulling people's pain out is called sadness. Later compassion refers to sympathy and compassion for people. "

I like these two sentences very much.

It fits my present situation very well.

In fact, I am a slow-witted introverted person who is not good at words, but I like to express myself, so I can only express my feelings by writing. Although I love writing, in fact, what I write is basically about myself. I haven't received professional writing training, and I won't shape my character. What I write is actually a prototype of myself, or a part of myself. No one wanted to listen to what I wanted to express, so I turned them into various protagonists and supporting roles in my works. I'm not writing a story, but playing with myself. Over time, I found that solitude is actually an ability, a kind of self-enjoyment.

A notebook computer, a pair of headphones, a nice love song list cycle, a desk lamp and a quiet and empty room are the source of my creation. I also have some small habits. For example, every time I decide to write something, I take a bath. My hair is wet on my shoulders, and the breezy night is my most comfortable time. At that time, I was full of ideas and hoped that time would pass slowly.

18+ has already passed the age of sixty, otherwise how can there be a gift of time?

Speaking of gifts, I have to start with my boredom.

Bored and wanted to write something, but inspired by this, he ran away from home and didn't know when he would come back to see my bad old man, so he went to see a doctor, just like he was sick that year.

It's nothing. Just checking it out.

Hot sunshine, noisy streets, fast buses, people coming and going, the world announces to us: busy, busy as a bee. Get on the bus in the hospital in the morning, register, fill in the form, wait for the doctor, see a doctor, check, get the ticket, queue up, check, wait for the doctor, get the report, get the result, register, find a doctor, buy medicine and go home.

After these processes, three days passed.

After the first grade of the first grade came out, I sent my mother a WeChat at the first time. I said, mom, I'm mentally ill. In fact, what I want to express is that in one of my tests, I am not allowed to eat when my brain is hot. As a result, in order to save time, I thought that the two tests could be carried out at the same time, so I ate a mung bean cake in my bag. After a while, I realized that the items I checked today were not allowed to eat.

Then my mother understood: didn't you go to check your stomach? How did you find yourself out of your mind?

Before I could reply to her WeChat, my mother sent another WeChat. She asked me: it is a big deal to be sick in the brain. Come back tomorrow and let's go to the hospital for another check-up. ...

I couldn't listen to it anymore, so I just typed and said, Mom, even if I have encephalopathy, it's hereditary.

Another long voice: you want to scare me to death. I wish I hadn't told you earlier. I'm scared to death ...

Yes, it's good to be alive and healthy.

In the hospital, on the way from the fourth floor to the first floor, I saw many patients lying in hospital beds, with tubes inserted all over their bodies. They lie quietly in bed, waiting for surgery, transplantation and redemption.

Standing at the gate of the hospital, I looked up at the dazzling sun with the test results, and suddenly I felt a sense of "rebirth".

I don't know if you will suddenly feel that other things in your life are not so important at some point, but you are glad that living healthily is already a great gift.

My moment is the moment when I look at the dazzling sunshine.

Just then, I suddenly ... let go.

I, a mortal, have a boring and hard life, but it is good to live.

As long as you live, no matter what you experience at this moment, it is not too late, and there is still a chance to make a comeback.

I used to have a Qian Qian knot and always asked myself "why". Now I want to say to myself: Be happy.

Nothing is more important than living healthily.

I went to the hospital and found my inspiration by the way.

A few days later, my friend sent me that familiar text and asked me why I wanted to write it. Your life has nothing to do with your brother. I think it can be deleted. On closer inspection, it turned out to be "paranoia". If my friend hadn't sent me that message, I really don't think the novel has ended for two years. I replied that I didn't really think so much. I decided that my brother would come to me in various ways that day, but it also indirectly showed that I was alone.

"Paranoia" has been over for three years, and the heroines in my works are still trying to live. Of course, me too. ..

Come to think of it, paranoia is just paranoia, it is not perfect.

Time is the best medicine, and the recovery after medicine is called letting go, which is also called self-healing.

In those days, I have been thinking, maybe the "why" I have been looking for all these years is wrong, maybe some things are not without answers, but from the beginning, this question is wrong. If it is wrong, how can I get the correct answer?

So, I still stand still, and others have long learned to analyze problems. I only care about solving problems, not that solving problems is wrong, but comprehensive. It's like if you make a mistake in a math problem, others will carefully analyze it, including the topic, and even compare their previous ideas to see where they made a mistake, but I just understand the answer. Over time, others will solve math mistakes. For a long time, I have learned to assess the situation and sum up the lessons of failure. I just want to go ahead and make myself tired. I even let myself stay in a city that doesn't exist. I don't want to go out or let others in. Ironically, I not only stayed in it willingly, but also gave birth to a novel called paranoia, which is euphemistically called: I want to cherish that time.

That time is worth cherishing, but it is not worth singing.

The original intention of writing Paranoia at first was really just to commemorate the days in college. Two years after the finale, when I read the familiar document again, I read a different feeling. I am not so much commemorating my heroines as recording that I live in the city called "the city of paranoia", running around and going in and out repeatedly.

I keep saying, I seem to be cursed

In fact, it is myself who has been cursing me.

Being trapped in one place for a long time makes it difficult to get out. Even if you have a seed in your heart, it won't germinate and grow without sunshine and water irrigation, and it won't grow into a towering tree in the end. Therefore, this sapling in my heart is still just a sapling.

When I walked out of the hospital and looked at the dazzling sunshine, I knew that the saplings in my heart were ready to receive sunshine and moisture.

I am actually a lucky girl, because I am healthy and still alive.

Although I don't have any talent, I can say one thing, that is, I can write running script, but even running script, I still love it.

Actually, it's really amazing to let it go. Let go of that moment, as Zhong Bai said, you never know when it will come. Perhaps, waiting for this moment is longer than obsession.

I watched it again during the holiday. I like Zhong Bai, Luqiao and Ren Yifan very much. I envy the deep friendship. No matter what happens, the three of them will stand by each other. Zhong Baihe 13 likes Luqiao Chuan and then breaks up. There was a monologue in the play that left a deep impression on me. Zhong Bai said:

In fact, it is not difficult to accept, whether it is self-deception, compromise or pretending to be free and easy. Do you think they really can't make these seemingly failed attempts? Perhaps, the truth is that they don't want to do it at all, because acceptance is simple. It only takes a moment, and you suddenly feel that you can put down your obsession and start over. This is the first and last step for you to really accept it. It's just that when you let go of your obsession, we never know when it will come and wait for this moment, even longer than your obsession. Therefore, it will be so difficult to accept this matter.

Prior to this, Lu Qiaochuan chose to compromise in the face of "accepting" this matter, accommodating Zhong Bai everywhere, giving up his favorite film photography exhibition, and giving up the curatorial opportunity that would be of great help to his future.

Xiao Haiyang, who also likes Zhong Bai, chose to deceive himself. It's hard to accept, he said. People try many ways to make themselves or others accept it, and compromise is one of them. But in some people's eyes, compromise is a kind of disrespect for themselves, even deception, so there is another attempt. If you don't want to deceive others, you can choose to deceive yourself.

That afternoon in the ancient town, when Yu Hao and Xiao Haiyang were shopping with Xiao Haiyang's favorite girl and Xiao Haiyang's girl, Yu Hao asked Xiao Haiyang if he still had feelings for Zhong Bai. He said that it was many years ago, and I have long let it go.

Yu Hao turned supercilious look, clap your hands, the most-good-yes.

When Xiao Haiyang saw Zhong Bai crying and laughing at the supermarket to call Luqiao Chuan, when Zhong Bai was sitting alone on a stone by a river, he followed all the way, took out his mobile phone and pressed a number, dialed the phone that had already been engraved in his heart, and Zhong Bai answered the phone and asked what happened to Haiyang. After a while, he said to Zhong Bai: There are many ways to commit suicide. You can choose to hang yourself, cut your wrists, take poison, and so on.

In the evening, when he returned to the photo exhibition, he stood in the photo of Zhong Bai taking a taxi last year. During the day, he named it "pity", and at night, he added: "I didn't meet you in the summer of love."

Yes, it's a pity that I didn't spend the summer with you.

Xiao Haiyang said: In this world, there must be many people who think that self-deception must be the easiest, because all over the world, you only need to deceive yourself. This is really convenient, but at the same time, it is also the most difficult, because you need to tell yourself every minute, "that was many years ago, but in fact, everyone has already passed."

He, no longer deludes himself.

Lin Luo said: At the beginning, self-deception is to make yourself or the other party accept it better, but after a long time, you will find that what people call self-deception has nothing to do with people.

Facing the moment when Bi was thirteen years old, Lin Luoxue remembered for more than ten years, but in fact Bi thirteen never remembered her. So Lin Luoxue said: I tried to share my memories with him, but he seemed to have completely forgotten me. I found many reasons to excuse myself, such as his amnesia, for example, the boy was not him, for example, he later fell in love with another girl, and there were so many things, so I let myself accept one by one and deceive myself one by one. Because I know that no matter what the result is, it is hard for me to accept it from his mouth. Therefore, self-deception is actually due to our infinite fear of unknown answers.

20 18 I just think Zhong Bai's writing is beautiful. I copied them down and sent them to my circle of friends.

202 1, when I watched this play again, I seemed to understand what everyone wanted to express. I accepted, compromised, deceived myself, pretended to be free and easy, and was infinitely afraid. In fact, they all have a mother called obsession.

Whether Xiao Haiyang's "self-deception", Lu Qiaochuan's "compromise" or Lin Luoxue's "pretending to be free and easy", Zhong Bai said that these are all failed attempts. Perhaps the truth is that they don't want to do it at all, because acceptance is very simple, just waiting for the time to accept, and I don't know when it will come, so it will be so difficult to accept.

At the end of the road of obsession, there is a beautiful name called release.

In fact, obsession has nothing to do with time, but with yourself and your heart.

In 2022, I hope we can all boldly embrace a new life.