The art of ascending posture and farting to escape

The art of rising posture and farting: the art of leaving gracefully after farting

Relax! Use this trick!

In a calm public place, the most terrible thing is that you realize that the hydrogen sulfide gas that has been brewing in your stomach for thousands of years is about to move and try to spurt out. When you can't stand it, you shout "Oh, I'm stuck in a trough" and let it destroy the earth like a locust crossing the border and discredit innocent creatures.

Imagine being in a crowded subway car-the kind where Yao studies the shape of dandruff on other people's heads and respects others' underarm body odor. A girl often feels a small tent rubbing against her body. Unless he is intentional, it is not too bad, which you can judge from his expression and addiction.

In this closed space, there is nowhere to hide. And now you feel like you can't hold back your fart. You can even be sure that this is a fart that makes a fortune, although at this time you prefer it to make a sound-at least it doesn't stink. Farting is not terrible. What is terrible is that you will harm those innocent people by farting (the guy who deliberately rubs against the small tent doesn't count, so he deserves it). If you release the poison gas here, you have to pull it into the pig cage! Because what you have done is so dirty that it has nothing to do with a harmonious society. It is a curse!

Fart won't attack you in the subway. The first date, the queue in the supermarket and the concert will all give you trouble. Then people will spontaneously track you with olfactory radar, and the final result is that people will hate you, and even you will hate yourself.

This doesn't look like a private occasion. You can fart the hottest eyes in the world in your room, intoxicated like a pig rolling in the mud; If it is in front of your brother, he will come forward to shake hands and congratulate you on all the normal body passages; Or your friend will kick you out of the room first when your ass is lifted off the chair. But here, you really offended people who had nothing to do with it.

The above is the reason why I (the original author, the same below) wrote this article "The Art of Farting". Then there is the raiders:

First, unbearable.

Sometimes, fart is unbearable. Do you know what happens when you hold a fart in purgatory? It will give you an explosive shit! Although this is not always the case, I believe that you would rather fart every time than take the possibility.

Second, deceive the sky and cross the sea

The first essence of crime is not to be caught. Just like when I 16 years old, the driving school coach told me what would happen if the police didn't see it and you didn't turn on the turn signal? This also applies to the fart of death: if no one knows that you did it and will not blame it on you, then you are innocent.

Third, the soldiers will block.

Thoroughly assess your situation. If your pants are thick enough and your fart is gentle enough to be stuffed in the cushion, congratulations! You can simply buy a man's suit to reward yourself. Even I can buy one to show my gratitude. After all, you saved the world!

Fourth, the golden cicada sheds its shell.

But if your fart is volcanic and can destroy Beijing, you have to take emergency measures. Look around with your terminator's eyes (that is, Iron Man's eyes that detect and mark the environment), write down the nearest exit, simulate the evacuation route in your mind, and calculate enough speed to ensure that the fart will not follow you (just like a fish shitting in the water, you can only get rid of the poop if you swim fast enough).

V. Blame others

The most important thing is whether there is anyone around you to stop the knife for you. First of all, you have to find a sucker, fart beside him, and let the smell radar all over the world point at him. This person can't be a petite girl with bright hair and charming smile. People will think her shit smells good. If you frame her, people will hate you.

You must find a drunk or someone who is eating McDonald's. After all, these diets are easy to shit. A strong man is a better choice. People who are five big and three thick are generally vulgar, as if they can do such a thing. Crying babies are also perfect scapegoats-although they are young, they are the most likely source of shit; If they cry, it's more like a silly child in a diaper.

Once you choose your goal, you have to wait for the best opportunity. When the underground door opens, you open the door to poisoning. If you can't move your nest, try shooting at the scapegoat, then wave your hand on the tip of your nose when the smell is full, and show your disgust with one eye.

Six, hit-and-run

In case you can't even find a scapegoat, there is only one way left-let go and run. Strike hard first, then hold your head high and run nonstop. You may never return to this crime scene (just like in the movie "Washington Heights", an angry man in the wine cellar is looking for you, a female gangster who creates chaos, will you go back and trap yourself? ), but at least you ran away with intact dignity. Well, you have no dignity, but at least you have no fart, don't you?