Sanmao was on the streets of Chengdu before she committed suicide, her eyes full of sadness. What on earth did she go through?

"Personal encounters and misfortune of fate have forced me to mature. The price of all this is the strength to survive in the future." Sanmao once wrote in "How Many Flowers Fall in Dreams" After saying this, she still left us.

Sanmao committed suicide in Taipei

In September 1990, a set of photos of Sanmao were taken by photographer Xiao Quan. In the photos, Sanmao was sitting in a teahouse and listening to people talking. And talking, chatting with the coachman on the roadside, sitting there alone and smoking a cigarette out of boredom... Sanmao was very fond of this group of photos at the time, and felt that Xiao Quan captured the true side of himself. These photos were taken on the streets of Chengdu. In the photos, Sanmao's eyes are filled with sadness.

Unexpectedly, only four months later, on January 4, 1991, someone found Sanmao's body in the bathroom of a Taiwan hospital, hanging himself in nylon stockings. This year, Sanmao was only 48 years old. He left without writing a word before his death. This year is also the twelfth year since Jose's death.

San Mao, a woman who was frank, enthusiastic and casual in her dealings with others. Like most women, she once only wanted to pursue simple happiness, marry and have children with the person she loved, and hold hands for the rest of her life. But all this is just a flower in the mirror.

Reading Sanmao's books, you can always get a glimpse of Sanmao's free and easy optimism, but such a strong and stubborn woman bid farewell to the world by committing suicide.

San Mao, who has been well-read since childhood

In 1943, San Mao, who was born in Chongqing, was named Chen Maoping by his father. Her father, who had high hopes for her, never expected that three-year-old San Mao would change her name to "Chen Ping" without permission because there were too many strokes in the Chinese character "Mao". When he grew up, Sanmao took "Sanmao" as his pen name because he loved "Sanmao's Wanderings".

Sanmao's grandfather once came to Shanghai to do business and made a lot of money. Later, he used all his property to support the construction of his hometown, but he spent the rest of his life in a temple. Thanks to his grandfather's words and deeds, Sanmao's father and uncle lived under the same roof and always lived in harmony.

Sanmao’s father studied at Fudan University and became a famous and knowledgeable lawyer after graduation. My mother came from a wealthy family and received a Western education. Her mother had no hesitation in giving up her studies at Hujiang University to marry Sanmao's father. She carried her eldest daughter, who was still crying in her infancy, through the hail of bullets and rushed to Chongqing to meet Sanmao's father.

Under the influence of his grandfather and parents, Sanmao has been well-read since he was a child. He read all the famous books on the market in junior high school. At the same time, he also inherited his mother's bold character.

Although Sanmao is very young and highly educated in literature, he is a mess in mathematics. In the second grade of junior high school, the math teacher humiliated Sanmao in public. The teenage Sanmao was in adolescence, and his fragile mind was severely traumatized, which will remain with him throughout his life. At this time, she no longer goes to school and hides alone in her room.

With the efforts of his family, Sanmao, who comes from a scholarly family, laid a solid foundation in poetry and English under the careful guidance of his parents.

Meeting the love of her life

At the age of 24, Sanmao went to Spain to study. Sanmao, who was in her junior year, met Jose, who was 8 years her junior. Mao fell in love at first sight. Sanmao, on the other hand, thought that Jose was just a young boy. When he saw that Jose often skipped school just to meet him, he thought that he was just trying to be a novelty, so he severely criticized Jose and asked him to go back to class quickly.

But Jose, who is obsessed with love, still skips school just to meet San Mao. One day, Jose mustered up the courage to express his deep feelings to Sanmao: He hoped that Sanmao could wait for him for 6 years, and he would definitely marry Sanmao after finishing college and completing military service. After hearing this, Sanmao laughed and rejected Jose without hesitation. The two were just polite when they saw each other again.

At that time, Sanmao was surrounded by many suitors. Among the many suitors, she met the one she loved. In 1970, Sanmao's fiancé suddenly met with an accident. Sanmao, who was preparing for the wedding, was deeply hit. Extremely low. At this time, Sanmao met Jose again by chance in Spain. Jose, who still loved Sanmao deeply, solemnly proposed to Sanmao, which moved Sanmao inexplicably. This time Sanmao happily agreed. The two finally held hands and fell in love.

After Sanmao saw a photo of the Sahara Desert, he was fascinated by the life there. After learning about it, Jose resolutely quit his job and went to take care of everything quietly, and then took Sanmao to live with him.

Seven months later, Jose married Sanmao, whom he had been infatuated with for a long time, in a small town in Africa as he wished, and gave Sanmao a camel skeleton that he had found hard in the desert. Mao liked it greatly after reading it and kept it in his collection.

Although the scenery of the Sahara Desert is spectacular, the environment is extremely harsh. Sanmao created her first work "The Story of the Sahara" in this special environment, where she and Jose lived a sweet life. They have lived the life they once longed for, and they have extended a helping hand to the residents here. Although their lives are difficult, they are very fulfilling. Jose's caring and thoughtfulness made her feel like a spring breeze. Here they could be free and carefree.

José’s sudden accident

It’s just that everything has to return to reality in the end. In 1976, Jose, a diving engineer, went to work on a small island. Sanmao reluctantly left the Sahara Desert and followed Jose to Gran Canaria, where they were still as happy as ever.

In 1979, Sanmao's parents came to the island to visit Sanmao, who had been away for a long time. After staying for a few days, Sanmao accompanied his parents to London by plane.

After seeing off San Mao and his parents at the airport, Jose devoted himself to diving work. Jose had an accident at work, and they were separated for only two days.

That night, Sanmao received a long-distance call and rushed to the morgue. She was deeply in grief. She refused to eat or drink for several days and fainted many times. Her parents tried to persuade her to no avail. Her friend Qiong Yao I called Sanmao from overseas and tried to persuade Sanmao, who wanted to follow Jose, until Sanmao calmed down and stopped looking for short-sightedness.

Don’t want her parents and friends to worry, Sanmao chose to face it firmly and tried hard to restrain the thought of committing suicide. But whenever it was late at night, Sanmao couldn't help but miss Hexi, and often couldn't sleep all night. Jose's departure made her completely depressed.

She returned to Taipei, where she had been away for 14 years, and began to recuperate, and her subsequent works were significantly less. She still travels, but rarely goes abroad. Three or four times a year I go to Chengdu, Sichuan, and look at the endless flow of people and meditate for a long time.

José's sudden departure left her wondering where to go. The world is so big, and although she has met many people and seen many sights, she can never find anyone who loves her as much as Jose does, and she can never meet Jose who accompanies her to see the sights. The world is so big, but she is still wandering, but Jose is missing. Twelve years after Jose left, she chose to say goodbye to this world forever.