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Ha ha ha ha joke I'm in big trouble. LZ will give me more points. I will try my best. 1, Shandong Chinese teacher, reading aloud for students.

An ancient poem entitled "Sleeping in Spring" by Lu You requires students to dictate. Please look around, haha! ! ! )

The Chinese teacher read aloud as follows. A student dictated the following.

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is like a dark green. I am a stupid donkey.

2. A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report:

"Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!"

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" "

Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! )

"Don't be pickles, I pick up a shit to lick for you. . . "

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. . . )

Taoyuan dialect is very strange and has a high ending. For example, "ju" is pronounced "pig".

Go to the propaganda department of the county party Committee first and contact the personnel bureau for an interview. The propaganda department called me to make an appointment and put me on speakerphone.

Propaganda Department: "Hello, are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau) "

The other party: "No, you are mistaken. I am not a person but a pig (Personnel Bureau), and my mother is a pig (Grain Bureau). "

I tried to hold back my laughter and my stomach hurt.

The next day, I attended the briefing of the county government. Roll call before the meeting.

Moderator: "Which units have arrived?"

So the participants signed up one by one:

"I am a wild boar (Public Security Bureau)."

"My name is Pig (Education Bureau)."

"I am a pig (post office)."

"I am a typical pig (telecommunications bureau)

3, aunt!

Hey!

Here comes the potato. Where is the beef?

It is in the washbasin.

Why do you eat some sediment?

The rice is not washed!

Why are all the potatoes in the bowl sprouting?

You just know!

Beef, potatoes and rice are auspicious families ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Uncle!

Huh?

Kung pao chicken and a cucumber.

The food is long gone!

Have some mutton, but not too spicy.

The meat is sold out!

So what should we eat at noon?

Add it yourself!

Empty dishes and bowls are auspicious families ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Classmate!

Oh?

Is the food cooked in the canteen delicious?

You lied!

What's it like to have food in your mouth?

Pull cool, pull cool!

Can that soup be used to wash your face and brush your teeth?

It's a fact!

Cold rice, cold dishes, clear soup, auspicious family!

The Tang Priest's master and apprentice fly in the sky. Suddenly, the plane broke down and needed to parachute. The Tang Priest said, Disciples, there are three parachutes now. Whoever can't answer will jump by himself.

Tang Priest asked the Monkey King: How many suns are there in the sky? The Monkey King: 1.

The Tang Priest asked Friar Sand: How many moons are there in the sky? Friar Sand: 1

The Tang Priest asked Bajie: How many stars are there in the sky? Bajie: . Jump down.

Once again, master and apprentice flew, and the plane broke down again. We still have to skydive. Tang Priest said, let's answer the question.

Tang Priest asked the Monkey King: When was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded? The Monkey King: 1949

The Tang Priest asked Friar Sand: How many people died in the War of Liberation? Friar Sand: 2.5 million.

The Tang Priest asked Bajie, What are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie: . Jump down.

Once again, the master and apprentice were on the plane, and the plane broke down again, so we still had to skydive. The Tang Priest was about to speak when Pig said, Master, I'd better jump directly. Then I jumped off the plane. .

Tang Priest put his hands together. "Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time. . "

Go back after reading it.

The devil caught the princess.

Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Speak of the devil and he will come ..."

Cao Cao: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... hey, there are so many people here. "

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone said, "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun."

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. "

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "If no one hits the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement."

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you."

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking ... "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I have nothing to say: "-_-... let's go ... let's talk outside ..."

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*" (the person who fell to the ground)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What's there to see? "Brother, let's talk outside."

Devil: "Ma's ... This is an engagement party ..."

I remember the first teacher who died because of me. At that time, I was in the first grade of primary school, and my teacher took us to the wild to do natural practice classes. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green, I asked, classmates, do you know how to tell the wind direction? I know, a little girl in my class picked up a leaf and floated into the air: picked up a leaf and floated into the air to see where it floated. The teacher praised it, very good, so who else would like to show it to you again? Me. I volunteered, picked up half a brick from the ground and floated into the air. ...

Teacher, it's blowing up and down now!

I can't remember clearly what the teacher looked like at that time. I only remember that he struggled a few times and then died. In this way, I killed a people's teacher

In the first grade, the teacher taught us about poultry.

Teacher: There is an animal with two feet. Every morning when the sun comes out, it will wake you up and wake you up. What kind of animal is this?

I replied: Mom! The teacher almost died laughing!

When primary school has Chinese class, all Chinese teachers in the school go to listen to Teacher Ni's class. Teacher Ni wrote a word "Bei" on the blackboard and asked me, do you know this word? I replied that I didn't know.

The teacher began to inspire me, do you have a bed at home?

I replied, yes.

Teacher: What's on the bed?

Me: Mom.

Teacher Ni thought, this is also a fact. Mother is a quilt, so she went on to inspire: what about mother?

I replied: My father.

Teacher Ni didn't expect me to say this and make a fool of myself in front of so many teachers. In desperation, she asked: What about the quilt?

I replied: the quilt is on the ground! Teacher Ni was hospitalized with lamb disease because of my anger. ...

Later, a new teacher came to the school and asked us to make sentences. I finished my homework calmly, and the teacher looked at me with new eyes.

My sentence is:

Sad-the ditch in front of our house is very sad.

If canned food is not as nutritious as fruit juice.

Naive-it's really hot today, and it's a good day for swimming.

Ten points-my sister only got ten points in the math exam. What a shame.

Relax, I always start with simple things.

Ginseng-the teacher said that we should take part in the relay of the brigade tomorrow, so we must do our best.

Quilt-Xiaoyu's sanitary quilt was stolen.

Lunch-Xiaoming takes defecation as the first thing to get up every morning.

Poor new teacher!

I was woken up by the teacher in history class. The teacher asked who Princess Wencheng married, and the deskmate suggested: Songzan Gambu! I didn't hear clearly at the moment, so I opened my mouth and answered: Song Dynasty cadres! Later, I failed the history class.

The next day, in the biology exam, the teacher brought a bird covered with cloth, and then he exposed the bird's leg for the students to guess what kind of bird it was. I really don't know, so I handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher saw it and asked angrily, why did you hand in a blank sheet of paper? What's your name? As soon as I heard this, I rolled up my trouser legs angrily and exposed my legs. Now it's your turn to guess who I am? The biology teacher suddenly fell down!

1, money is not the problem, the problem is no money.

2. Diamonds last forever, but one goes bankrupt.

3, water can carry a boat, but also can cook porridge.

A motorcyclist likes to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle his buttons at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road.

When the police arrived, ...

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Officer A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Officer A: Well, I'm not breathing. ......

4. "Mom, how did I grow up?" Lele looked at her childhood photos and asked curiously. As soon as my mother heard the opportunity of education came, she said, "You were raised by your mother."

Lele cried when she heard this: "How did you give me this? Whoops ~ ~ ~ "

Five boys were taught to talk about smoking one by one by the snitch teacher:

The first boy truthfully admitted being beaten; Back to the dormitory, said:

Dude: I want it all, so don't admit it when you want it.

[Scene 1]

Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke?

Boy A: No. ..

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it. ............

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy B is holding French fries carefully because he heard about A.

Teacher: Don't you want some ketchup?

B accidentally got too much, and immediately played it with two fingers-

Teacher: No? The posture of playing ash is very skilled. Call your parents ...............

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy c: no.

Teacher: No? All right, French fries.

Because of the first two examples, the boy C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

Boy C picked up French fries and put them on his ear. ..................

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy d: No. ..

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy ate the French fries with trepidation and put them in his coat pocket.

The teacher suddenly shouted, here comes the headmaster.

The boy was so busy that he took French fries out of his pocket and threw them on the ground, stomping on them. ......................

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy: No.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy just took the French fries,

The teacher said: Don't invite me to dinner.

The boy was so busy that he handed the chips in his hand and then took out a lighter. ................

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy: No.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

The boy ate French fries with trepidation and put them in his upper pocket.

The teacher suddenly shouted, here comes the headmaster.

The boy has sweated his palms and bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster!

Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth.

The boy took the French fries out of his pocket: it's safe, it's still there, the fire hasn't lit yet …

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries.

Boy: It's natural to take away the French fries and eat them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like?

Boy: [Get carried away] Greater China. . . . .

Scene n:

Teacher: French fries, please!

Boy: No thanks.