The more poems or words appear in the budding magazine series, the better.

In the winter of 2005, I felt the cold before anyone else in this city, because I lived in the lighthouse, the highest point in this city.

The lighthouse is located in the middle of the overpass across the north and south banks of the city, and below it is a giant pier implanted at the bottom of the river. This river, called Minjiang River, flows slowly to the sea. The lighthouse is made of reinforced concrete and exceeds150m. There's plenty of room at the top. Every holiday, there will be several lights shining directly into the sky from the top of the tower.

I live in a room under the floodlight. I have a high-powered telescope. From the surrounding windows, I can see many faces of the city. For example, the east window can see the developed mountain, the construction site under construction and the sunrise. The window in the west can see large fields, factories, old cities, railways and sunsets. The window in the north can see the most prosperous scene in the city center, singing and dancing, feasting and dancing. And the loneliness after the gorgeous turn, the indifferent expression born in the revolving door, and the rigid and cold building.

To the south, there is a university with her. Every day she crosses the red runway, the green football field, the main road at the school gate, and then walks under the overpass that I can't see.

That day, I was watching the blue sky, with dense white clouds and someone playing paragliding in the sky. There are also several hot air balloons to give Christmas presents to the campus. Then I saw her standing on the zebra crossing at the school gate among a large group of students who bent down to pick up gifts, looking up at the sky, facing me in this direction.

By the way, I forgot to mention that I am a photographer. I live here and photograph the clouds above the city and the Vientiane on the ground.

That day, I took a picture of her looking up. She is not very beautiful, but her eyes are big, and there are clouds in them, which makes her look beautiful beyond words.

This is the only photo I have developed. She looked up at me.

Sometimes I leave the lighthouse to buy some daily necessities and dry food. Climbing down the straight stair frame, the steel in winter stung my hand coldly.

Going south, I will watch people fishing on the bridge in the cold wind, from morning to afternoon. I think what a wonderful world this is. Behind me is a steady stream of vehicles and people, but in front of me, everything seems to be still, except the smoke ring that the angler slowly rises. At a certain place, it seems to be solidified, and then quietly dispersed in a trance.

I have never seen anyone catch fish. I often imagine a fish hanging on that thin rope, flying around in a beautiful arc in front of me. Then I saw its eyes, tears fell from it and flew back into the water like wings.

I think I am such a fish. Who says fish have no tears? I once saw a tearful fish in my old fish tank. If you breathe, you will cry. I always thought so.

I walked slowly along the rusty bridge corridor with long and hard bread in my arms, and my scarf was blown up by the wind from time to time. I stood at the corner of the steps under the bridge and saw her again. She stood at the bottom of the bridge and watched some people selling CDs there. I saw some high school students dancing street dance there, some old people playing Tai Chi there and some children chasing each other there.

She is still so quiet, just like my first impression of her.

two

The summer of 2003 is almost over, and I met her for the first time in my junior year.

At that time, our band was participating in the performance of the school anniversary. She is a guest in the audience, wearing a red cheongsam, curly hair and light makeup. Hands gently holding, hanging in front, looks, very dignified.

I am a drummer. J stood in front of me. He is singing, my loneliness is my burning sun, my madness is my cooling blood.

At the end of the song, I looked at J's back and found that she was looking at him quietly, with a beautiful radian in her mouth.

A day later. We were practicing when she opened the door and came in. Mia. When I knew her name, she was already J's girlfriend.

I know J really loves her. He has never been so attracted to a girl, and there is a word to describe what he once was-refusal.

We rested, he went to talk to her, and she wiped the sweat from his face. The rest of the band booed at the back, and her face suddenly turned red, like bougainvillea growing outside the window, sunshine and poetry.

I saw kapok fall.

She always sits by the window when we practice. Sometimes I look at J, and sometimes I look at the goldfish bowl. There is only one fish in it.

She didn't ask me what kind of fish I was like everyone else. If she asks, I might say, that's another me, a fish that tears. Or I will feel that it is too melodramatic to say that, so I don't say anything but smile. Because I don't know what fish it is.

But she never asked, she didn't even ask whose fish it was, and watched the sunset with her day after day.

During that time, J became much quieter, and our band was no longer drunk as usual.

It seems that all of a sudden, we lost that frivolous and fearless. Say goodbye to moss and touch the sun.

I majored in photography. I often hide alone in the darkroom to develop photos, and I often talk to my fish. I thought I could make her stop worrying.

I hope she can have mine.

She is a student of Communication College, one year lower than us. J introduced us like this. J has always been such a silent person and won't say much. We can't know much about them from him.

I live on the top floor of the teaching building, which used to be the dormitory of one of my teachers. Later, he bought a house and lent me this room for free because it was near me.

After J and Mia met, our practice time was much less, and everyone's heart gradually calmed down as we approached graduation. When I'm free, I often sit on the windowsill with my goldfish next to me.

This house is the tallest building in our school, 1 1 floor. The greening here is very good, there are tall pine trees and kapok trees, and there are many that I can't recognize at all. They are all green, and their eyes are very happy.

It feels like living at the top of a tree.

But these are not the most important.

The building opposite is from the Fine Arts Department. Inclined skylight, seventh floor, looking through the glass. Mia is sitting under the window. I know that at this time, J must be sitting opposite and looking at her from behind the easel. She must like this. J must have painted her beautifully, because the sun is too bright and the bougainvillea outside the window looks good. What blooms one after another is her happy smile. Blooming one after another is the sound of her heartbeat.

Actually, I only saw her. I like her better. It's like she is a photo hanging on the wall, looking at the clock opposite, ticking.

I sometimes think that when she looks up, she will definitely see me looking at her here, but never.

Every time she stood up, it was already dusk. I also went out and went downstairs. Every staircase has a big window, just like a bird spinning down at the top of the tree, and sees the thick and strong roots.

I will meet her on the stairs on the sixth floor. She is having a class in the language lab. Smile at each other, say hello softly, and then turn your head slightly. She went upstairs and I went downstairs.

three

Our band occasionally goes to some bars across the river downtown to perform. That year, an overpass across the two banks was being built. We don't want to go too far. We all take dredgers. The boatman knows us very well and listens to rock and roll.

Mia likes to sit in the bow, and the sun shines around her, leaving a beautiful shadow. J sat next to her, sketching her and talking to her in a low voice. At a certain moment, I looked at her and just nodded slightly and smiled.

This is the best moment in my memory. We sat in the same boat and slowly landed.

The city across the river is very prosperous. A J once told me that this city has no culture, and he will go to another city after graduation, where he lost his ideal.

Besides, judging from the way he talks to Mia, I think he is a simple and happy teenager and should not be burdened with too many ideals.

I photographed them together with my camera, but when I watched them slowly appear in the developer, I would be in a daze for no reason. By the time I realized it, the photo paper had blurred into black.

Spring of 2005. Mia is just a sophomore and has plenty of time.

I started my graduation project. I asked her to be my photography model, and she agreed. At that time, she was also an oil painting model of little J.

Our band has been dissolved, but after the Spring Festival, no one said anything, and everyone understood that it was over. Everyone must face their new life and make their own right choices.

The bridge is about to be completed. The construction site is a mess. When I took a photo with her there, she said that the connection between the university and the downtown was too direct and she didn't like it. She likes that she can always be a spectator between the city center and the university.

During that time, I took her to almost all areas except the downtown, developed mountainous areas, construction sites, fields, factories, old cities and railways under construction. I watch the sunrise and sunset together.

In my shot, she likes to wear a white skirt and dance with a smile. When she runs, her skirt dances with her long hair.

This is completely different from what I used to know about her. When I met J, she was always so quiet.

She told me a lot about her classmates, her childhood and her hobbies. She never talks about what happened between her and J.

And I always hide behind the camera to see her, look at her big eyes, and there is a melancholy in her smile.

In two months, I took 700 photos of her, and none of them were scrap metal. I'm only good at taking pictures of one person. In particular, she has all the looks I like.

My photo exhibition and J's oil painting were exhibited at school on the same day.

She moves like a rabbit under my camera.

She is as quiet as a virgin in J's photo.

Many people in the school are discussing our exhibition and her.

I have been to J's art exhibition, and those paintings have existed in my mind for a long time, as quiet as bougainvillea and as simple as kapok.

Very dignified. No one can imagine that J used to be such a fierce rock fan, but there was such a quiet place in his heart.

However, I saw the turbulent uneasiness hidden in the calm.

I can still hear J standing in front of me. My loneliness is my burning sun, and my madness is my cooling blood.

Yes, J has been standing in front of me, and I can't see his face when singing this song.

I can only see mia through his back.

Mia and I are always separated by him. Mia has never seen the soul behind him.

Then, J and I both graduated. He left the city where we stayed for four years. I gradually lost contact with him.

four

When I stood on the steps and looked at Mia, she also looked up and saw me. We greeted each other with smiles as before.

She told me for a long time.

Like I said, long time no see.

At that time, we didn't know what to say, which was a bit embarrassing. It has entered the winter, and she is wrapped in a coat, a long scarf and her arms around her.

J, how have you been? We all said that suddenly, and then we laughed together.

At this time, I saw J again, and I saw her through him.

I haven't heard from him for a long time. She said.

We stood together for a while. She stamped her foot lightly, and I searched my mind for all the memories about her.

I remembered the oil painting cover used in J's graduation exhibition album. Mia sat on the windowsill with her knees in her arms, with a goldfish bowl in front of her. The fish faced her.

Let's go together. I said.

We walked slowly along the river side by side. Dams were built along the river and some new trees were planted. Every tree stands in the cold river wind at a certain distance, like a devout admirer. Loneliness is a kind of belief.

I think we used to be, so we are devout admirers of love.

Sand dredgers are rarely seen on the river, but a yacht is added and fixed on the river. This is a new entertainment city. Some women, beautifully dressed, stood on the deck, smoking cigarettes and talking loudly. With the gentle shaking of the yacht, layers of water waves are rippling on the river. The water is dark green.

Last time I took pictures with you here, there was a beach here. Your fish is dead. You put it in a fish tank and put it in the river, thinking that it would go down the river and return to the sea. But now I think it's cruel. We are like fish swimming alone in a fish tank, floating on the sea. She said.

Her voice is still very light, just like the mist floating on the water. As she said, J went to Beijing after graduation, where he had his ideals, I know. He said he would wait for me there. A year has passed, and our contact is getting less and less. Some time ago, on Christmas Day, I lost my mobile phone and never contacted him again. In fact, I always knew that he was an unstable person, and I felt it the first time I saw him. But I still fell in love with him. More importantly, he also fell in love with me. I don't know what influence I have brought to him. I just think he's starting to lose his temper. Every time we are together, he will always be in a daze unconsciously. Sometimes, I really envy the old days. You can vent yourself like that. I want to be with you, but when I am really with J, I realize that everyone is selfish. I want to have J, and J wants to have me, but we both lost something at the same time. These things are important to ourselves, but they are an obstacle to each other. I know that after graduation, he and I will be separated. The expression on J's face when he painted me made me feel unnatural. He's so depressed. He thought he was being nice to me by forbearing me and depriving him of his original passion, but it was not like that. Because of our personality, we are destined to hide some of ourselves when we are together. I prefer those photos you took for me. At that time, I thought I was the one who really fell in love. All the friends who have seen your art exhibition say so, but I am in J's painting just because of his wishful thinking, or I shouldn't say so. After all, we have been in love for two years, and he has given up a lot for me, but he finally understands that he loves his ideal, and college is a stop in his ideal journey.

What she said was slowly sorted out by me later. In fact, at that time, our conversation was intermittent, just like talking to the wind, and it broke up when it blew. We talk only because we have something in common, and J is the reason why we talk. He just stood among us all the time.

A J loves her, I always knew it, and I still think so. Although he was with me when he left the city. He didn't say goodbye to Mia. He asked me to tell her that he was going to Beijing, and if possible, he would wait for her there for two years.

Two years can change a lifetime. Everyone understands this.

J loves Mia, although he told me when he left. I know you like Mia, too, and I always think you are more suitable for Mia.

When he said this, I had a word in my heart to describe his future, refusal.

This is just an excuse for him to leave, I said to myself.

No one is suitable for anyone, and no one is not suitable for anyone.

five

Before you know it, dusk falls. I suddenly like this moment. Two people walking in the shade under the dim street lamp, wearing high heels and heavy riding boots, two voices at a time, difficult and dull. There is a fence on one side and a road on the other. Occasionally a car passes by, and then it suddenly becomes very quiet.

We don't know when the topic of J will stop. I asked her about some recent things, and she said that she was preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination and might go abroad. In fact, when she first came to college, her parents were already planning to go abroad.

I don't know how far we walked along the wall of the dam, and then we went back the same way. At this time, the broadcast on campus has just begun, and I can recognize her voice, which I hear every night. Only today, I can hear you clearly. This is a kind of love to watch, a kind of love to stand face to face in the same place.

I said, after you go abroad, aren't all your majors basically useless?

What does it matter? She shrugged and said.

That's right. I smiled. It's all about living.

What about you? Still taking pictures? Have you been in this city for more than a year? I'll go and see what you took this year when I have a chance.

All right. I said.

In fact, sometimes it feels quite strange. In college, I have never heard that you have been in love. Are you still single?

Yes, I smiled. If we had talked, it is estimated that I will leave this city now.

She gave me a look and stopped talking.

The night is cold and real. We all choose silence and then miss it. A dress many years ago, beautiful and warm.

Accustomed to emptiness, accustomed to appearing. Perhaps because of inertia, we all walked aimlessly through several stops, walked in the city gradually submerged by darkness, and heard some love related to parting on the radio.

I began to listen to some messy footsteps and endure some encounters.

I wanted to leave, but I was trapped in the same place by fatigue.

I'll pat you again when I have a chance. I was about to return to the overpass when I stopped and turned to her.

She gave me a look, smiled, then lowered her head and said nothing.

I looked up at the lighthouse. There is a big clock on it. Inch by inch, I was buried in one grave after another, like a train passing by one by one, and my heartbeat disappeared, shouting at the whistling wind and hysterically.

At this time, the radio broadcast a love song of a popular singer, with a hoarse voice. Then there is his inner monologue. He told about his wandering time in Beijing, the girl he missed, the photo of the girl in his suitcase, he secretly kissed her in the middle of the night and then quietly left.