How to learn to let go (learn to let go from 4 aspects)

When I took my children to eat in a restaurant on the weekend, I saw a boy about 6 years old. During the meal, his parents helped the child pick up food and picked up paper towels to wipe his mouth; while playing in the play area, they saw his The mother knelt down to help the child put on socks and shoes; one moment she helped pass the kettle, and the next she helped wipe the sweat. I was thinking, isn’t this something the child can do on his own?

Many parents are accustomed to being their children's "protective umbrella" and protecting their children at all times. They are afraid that their children will be "blown by wind and rain". This will cause their children to lose the space for independent growth and miss the opportunity to learn self-control. , children’s growth is a process that requires constant self-experience and self-responsibility. Only when parents learn to let go can children truly grow.

Originated from Internet diagram: Parents learn to let go and give their children the opportunity to try and experience

Every parent knows that it is important for children to be independent, and they also know that they must cultivate their children’s independence from an early age so that they can Children learn to manage themselves, but they don’t know how to do it. What we often see is that parents will do almost everything they can help their children do. Because parents deprive their children of the right to try and experience on their own, they also lose learning self-control. opportunity.

I remember seeing this story on the Internet:

A Chinese father took his children to travel to Germany. One day, at the beach, he saw a German mother on a lounge chair. While reading, her child grabbed a handful of sand and stuffed it into his mouth.

After seeing this, the father stepped forward very anxiously and reminded the German mother, "Your child is going to eat sand." However, the mother was very confused. "So what?" she said. After he tasted it, he knew that the sand was not delicious, so he naturally stopped eating it.

The father was very surprised. If this were in China, most parents would stop their children and tell them that sand cannot be eaten, or the children would put it in their mouths and find it difficult to swallow. The conclusion is the same. But the way to reach this conclusion is different. In the former, children obtain indirect experience provided by parents’ judgment; in the latter, children obtain direct experience after personal experience.

The only difference lies in the experience. If you recall the things that impressed us, you will find that they are basically your own personal experiences. Sometimes, if children are allowed to experience things on their own that seem easy to adults, they will learn more from it and the impact on them will be more profound.

The process of children growing up is a socialization process. One of the distinctive features of this process is its practicality. They can understand many truths through personal experience, and parents should provide their children with as many opportunities to experience as possible.

Children's growth cannot be replaced. Parents are often too eager to help them, or require them to be right the first time they make a move. But it is precisely in this way that parents deprive their children of the opportunity to discover, stifle their interest in learning, and dampen their initiative to solve problems.

Parents must learn to let their children grow up. Children with strong living abilities will grow up to be confident and charming people. Don’t be afraid of your children falling. Children can get up on their own

Every child will fall and fall on the way to growth. In the face of this situation, parents’ approaches can be roughly divided into two types:

Type 1: When a child falls, the parents are worried that the child will be hurt by the fall, so they immediately run over to help and comfort the child. When parents show panic, the children who are not crying will be infected by the parents, resulting in fear, tension and grievance, and they will start to cry loudly. The more they coax the children, the harder they will cry.

The second type: when the child falls, secretly observe the child's performance. If they feel that the child's fall is not serious, the parents will encourage the child to stand up on their own, or even turn a blind eye. This will invisibly make the child feel that: the child fell. It's not a big deal, the child will choose to get up slowly by himself, thus cultivating the child's strong willpower.

Comparing these two approaches, there is no doubt that the second approach is wise. This seemingly indifferent parenting method is actually a deeper love. This approach can enable children to learn to control themselves. Emotions and behaviors after wrestling, improving self-control.

Parents should realize that children face setbacks when they are young, and may face setbacks in many aspects such as study, work, and relationships in the future. If you want your children to face those "somersaults" with strength, , we need to learn to let go from the time when the child is young, and believe that the child can get up on his own.

Of course, behind parents letting go is to create opportunities for children to grow themselves. In this process, parents should pay attention to the following points:

1. Act according to circumstances and encourage children

Letting go and letting the child get up does not mean just sitting idly by and ignoring it. When the child falls seriously, parents still need to express their care, otherwise the child will feel that the parents do not love him. Encourage children and let them learn to be strong.

For example, if a child "falls" (encounters setbacks) in learning or other aspects, rational parents should ask as soon as possible: "Are you okay?" Listening to the children's feelings is also a kind of Caring. Children will be moved and satisfied by this action of their parents, and regain their strength.

2. Analyze the reasons and encourage the child to "walk again"

As the child grows, wrestling, falls, and even injuries are inevitable. , we should not let our children fall in vain. We should help them analyze the reasons and let them learn to protect themselves.

American psychologist Adam Grant said that small wins (small successes) can help children regain their confidence. If a baby who has just learned to walk stumbles on a small stone, encouraging him to "walk again" is the best way to regain his confidence and help him get rid of hesitation when he walks the same section of the road next time. And if a kindergarten child encounters setbacks because of wearing pants, asking him to be patient again is also a good way to regain confidence. The goal is to give children this psychological feeling - I made a mistake and now I've found a way to avoid it.

When parents face their children "falling", they should not only be concerned, but not take it too seriously. After a "falling", the child can "get up" and "walk again". A complete growth.

Originated from the network diagram to let children make their own decisions and learn to be responsible for themselves

We often think that making decisions for our children is our unshirkable responsibility as parents, but we ignore one thing , although the child is young, he also has his own ideas, preferences and judgments. They may know better than you what they like and what they are good at.

I remember when I was a kid, my neighbor had a 9-year-old boy. His father was a basketball coach. In order to train him to become the next Yao Ming, he forced him to do various trainings every day, but he had no interest in basketball at all. , often thinking of ways to be lazy. By chance, he saw someone else dancing folk dance, and he was immediately attracted to it. So whenever he had time, he would watch online teaching videos and practice repeatedly. When his father found out, he beat him up, but he still insisted on not giving up. In the end, he was admitted to the Beijing Dance Academy and became a very good dancer.

Many parents like to make decisions and choices for their children. In their view, this is for the sake of their children and for their own good. There is a joke on the Internet: "There is a kind of cold call for mothers who think you are cold." ." Such examples can be seen everywhere in life.

I remember in the park, I saw a child wearing thin clothes, playing ball excitedly, and his mother was standing aside with the clothes in her hand. In fact, the child was in a state of exercise and would not feel cold easily, but, mother I keep urging my children to add clothes, but I don’t actually consider their feelings.

Parents often judge their children's needs based on their own feelings, and then meet this need on their own initiative. However, they do not know that this may not be what their children need. The correct approach for parents is to think about the problem from their children's perspective. Analyze the child's needs and hand over the decision-making power to the child, allowing the child to be responsible for his or her own decisions.

Educator Montessori has a "theory of independent growth". She believes that independence is the cohesive force of the natural development of all living things. Parents should understand that helping their children make decisions in everything, although providing them with a superior and comfortable environment, makes them lose their independence. You know, once dependence becomes a habit, it is difficult to break it.

If we think that the child is too young to make the right decision, as parents we can guide them to make the decision after communicating with them. But once you agree to let him make his own decision, you should trust him, respect his decision, and don't interfere. Don’t label your children casually, respect their individuality

There is such a fable about:

A lion woke up and found that he had an extra child on his tail. A label that says "Donkey."

The lion was very angry and tried his best to get the label off, but failed.

What makes it even more annoying is that whenever it walks on the road, other animals will point to the tag on its tail and whisper: "That's a donkey, not a lion."

At first, the lion did not think of himself as a donkey, because it was stronger than other lions and a tough male lion. Compared with other animals, its size was larger.

However, there were so many voices calling it a donkey that it began to doubt its true identity.

One day, the lion asked another lion angrily: "Do you also think I am a donkey?"

The lion said: "Mr. Donkey, although you look like me , but you and I are not the same kind, your tail clearly says 'donkey'!"

Gradually, the lion accepted that he was a donkey.

And this is no different from humans.

When a person is labeled by a word name, he will perform self-image management to make his behavior consistent with the content of the label. This phenomenon is also called "labeling" effect".

American psychologist Becker believes: “Once people are labeled with a certain label, they will become the person designated by the label.

"

Please recall carefully, have you ever said the following words:

"My baby is a bit timid! "

"He is too timid. He doesn't call out to strangers when he sees them, just like his father when he was a child. "

"Ouch, stop talking, I'm so stupid, everything feels so slow, I'm so worried! ”

“Three minutes of heat! ”

“I just like to bully other children and it makes me mad.” ”

…

Originated from network diagram

Parents may think: I put these labels on my children in the hope of hinting and guiding them toward their parents. However, as a child whose emotional management skills have not yet been developed, once he is labeled as negative, bad, or deviant, it will not only not change the child's "bad behavior" in the eyes of his parents, but it will It will be easier to join the "deviant" group, and it will be easier to slip further and further down the road of "bad behavior"

Every child has strong plasticity, and the child's shortcomings are not finalized, but only temporary. , so in the process of educating children, we should not just simply blame the children for their wrong behaviors, but should demonstrate the correct actions to the children, so that we can effectively correct the children's wrong behaviors, and at the same time, praise can well motivate the children to correct. Children raised in this way will be full of sunshine.

As parents, we can accompany our children in the first half of their lives, but they cannot participate in the second half of their children's lives. One day, the children will need to live independently. Instead of protecting your children from the wind and rain and taking care of everything, it is better to let them go and let them experience, explore, and explore everything they want. Only in this way can children go further and live happier.