How to love a person maturely, how to learn to love a person maturely.

On this issue, I recommend you to read Eyerich, a famous psychologist in the 20th century. Fromm's The Art of Love. Strange to say, when we were students, we would spend more than ten years studying science and culture. After entering the workplace, it takes decades to exercise work skills. But do you realize that the art of love also takes a lot of time to master?

Japanese writer Kotaro Isaka once said: "It's terrible to think that parents don't have to take exams." In short, parents who do not master scientific parenting methods will have a strong influence on their children. The same is true in intimate relationships. If we don't know how to love and be loved, we may often "step on thunder" in our feelings and slowly destroy the original perfect love.

I have many visitors in psychological counseling. They are eager for a sense of security, want to send them photos and positioning when their lover is not around, and constantly ask each other if they love themselves. If lovers can't fully expect it, they will have all kinds of quarrels, and then start the test of whether TA still loves me. According to Fromm, this is a typical "acceptance tendency". Understand love directly as being loved, and always want to rely on the other half and ask him for something. If you don't understand the premise of getting love, you have the ability to love someone, and the intimate relationship between lovers will inevitably be constantly rubbed.

So the most important significance of this book is to remind everyone that while pursuing power, status and money, don't forget to spend time on the art of love and cultivate your ability to love others. Next, I want to start with three questions and show you the essence of Fromm, a psychological master in the art of love.

Let's look at the first question: Is love an active activity or a passive emotion? Many people regard love as a passive emotion, and the expectation of intimacy is to find the right person. It's like meeting my the only thrill or the only thrill, and we can live happily ever after. If you have this idea, you may stumble for a long time and can't wait for a heart-warming object. As my visitor confided, "After dating for more than ten times, people you meet will always have shortcomings of one kind or another. It is hard to imagine spending a lifetime with them. 」

If we put all our hopes on each other and imagine that he is a soul mate who is 100% compatible at the moment when we meet, then we will be frustrated because our expectations have failed. Because there is no running-in, the other half is difficult to understand, and it is difficult to meet the ABCD standard in your mind. For example, I often make an analogy: if you want to find an ordinary spare part, just visit several hardware stores. If you need a special model, you may not be able to buy it in the whole store. Only by actively adapting and negotiating the desired state with your lover can you have the opportunity to customize a satisfactory relationship model.

If we understand love as being loved, we tend to focus on improving our charm and attracting outstanding people to like ourselves. Some girls around me are very keen on dressing up: buying "cut men's color" lipstick, ordering clothes that highlight their figure and temperament, and snapping up big-name skin care products when eating dirt. Their hearts are: "If I become a beautiful little fairy, someone should appreciate and like me." . So after the fantasy becomes beautiful, the whole world will be more friendly and gentle to itself.

So do boys. They no longer try their best to pursue girls, but spend more energy on making money and fighting for their careers. Friend a jun thinks, "as long as I have a house, a car and a position, it is not a matter of minutes to find a beautiful girlfriend." I think the premise of harvesting love is that I am good enough among my peers.

Although this concept can inspire us to become better, it also ignores the fact that enjoying the happiness of intimate relationship is to establish deep emotional ties with the people you like, accompany each other and create a good time together. The way to get true love may not be to strive to improve the face value and material conditions, but to be willing to jump out of the small world of self, take the initiative to love someone, and care about TA's joys and sorrows from the heart.

As Marx said, "in the relationship between people, you can only exchange love for love and trust for trust." To get true love, you must first have the ability to love others. If you have good conditions, but you have no desire to establish contact with others, then you may still be single.

Others believe that love is obtained from lovers, and that emotional support is regarded as wealth, and giving it to each other means your own loss. So he became a "miser" in close relationship. They expect the other half to take the initiative to care about themselves, but resist the one who takes the initiative to pay. They are always worried that they will never return or even lose money. The imaginary object may be very aggressive and choose to do nothing for fear of being hurt.

For example, when talking about why we don't mend our relationship, some visitors say, "What if I make friends with him and then he treats me cynically?" ? "If he remains indifferent, I will feel that all my efforts have been in vain. But in reality, the reaction of the other half is often not as terrible as expected. Even if you give your lover a step, the two sides can get back together.

The reason why we predict "initiative" is poor is not because there is a real threat, but more because being the first person to break the ice will make us feel taken away and feel the emotional burden of the comfort object. In order to avoid this pressure, you may imagine that it is difficult to take the initiative to repair the relationship. Therefore, the cold war and stalemate in feelings and haggling over every ounce are closely related to thinking that giving is losing.

In Fromm's view, true love includes not only being loved, but also the ability to love others. Is to enjoy the process of giving, and realize your potential and value from giving to the other half. Seeing this kind of love, many people are puzzled: "Why can they not care about gains and losses, but only hope that their other half can have a good time?" ? The reason is simple: they don't adhere to the principle of equivalent exchange, and always stare at how much the object pays in return. They care more about whether they have the ability to take care of the other half and feel a great sense of accomplishment from the satisfaction of their lover.

My friend Xiao Chen described his experience: "After receiving the bonus, my wife went to Yunnan, which she has been missing for a long time. Seeing that she is as happy as a child, I think the money is well spent. It can be seen that it is Xiao Chen's greatest happiness to realize her companion's wishes and make her happy. Their love is very consistent.

A classic sentence in The Art of Love: "Immature love is because I need you, so I love you. Mature love needs you because it loves you. 」

The real emotional connection is not based on utilitarian purposes, because lovers are valuable and married to TA. It is more from the heart, asking for nothing in return, and putting the needs of the other party rather than personal desires first. You will be surprised to find that people who don't woo often get more love. Because our sincere investment will create an atmosphere of sharing the value of life, which will greatly inspire the other half and give him back the motivation and security of this heart.

Therefore, love should be a positive activity, not a negative emotion.

Let's talk about the second question: is the object of love a small number of people or the love of the whole world? In essence, you still only know how to love yourself, but you haven't developed the ability to love others. You haven't walked out of the island of yourself and really established contact with the outside world. By summarizing hundreds of emotional cases, I found that couples immersed in the state of * * * often show two contradictions: First, a strong sense of dependence. Put all the emotional needs on each other, hoping to be accompanied by lovers all the time and behave like a clingy person; The second is the anxiety of being swayed by considerations of gain and loss. Because the object is the only emotional pillar, I am very afraid of losing it and worrying about what happens. If lovers ignore themselves, they are as desperate as the sky is falling. If we confine our love to our partners, we will often be troubled by loneliness.

People who are too immersed in inflated egoism may also become masochists or sadists in love. When dealing with sexual psychology, I often hear visitors say, "I am willing to be his slave, and it doesn't matter if I am controlled and whipped." This will make me excited because I feel that I am needed. Behind the words of the abused, I feel that they are afraid of being abandoned and have a sense of panic that no one loves them.

In order to alleviate the unbearable loneliness, they are willing to act as toys for the object and let him freely vent his desires and aggressiveness. Because being a subsidiary of another person, although no longer a complete self, can avoid helpless wandering and have a harbor of their own. This is actually a manifestation of inferiority: I have no confidence to find my place in the outside world by my own strength.

I also want to share another representative case. Tourist Xiao Jing is often beaten by her husband. Although she is eager for her husband to be kind to herself, every time there is a contradiction, she will lose control and scream hysterically at her husband. Finally, the contradiction was completely ignited, and the other party beat him black and blue.

In Fromm's view, the sadist's inner self is actually weak. Therefore, it is necessary to exert strong aggression on lovers. Get rid of powerlessness and unbearable loneliness through sadomasochism. In my consulting experience, I often see some men feel that they are not so manly, because they are anxious about their weakness, so they will strengthen their violent and fierce side in intimate relationships. Deliberately showing strong male characteristics, in order to strengthen the identity of their male identity. This will lead to great contrast: "a dragon at home, a worm outside." "In front of his lover, he may be a furious tyrant, but at work, he becomes a good man who passively obeys Nuo Nuo.

Sadism and masochism are two sides of the same body, both of which stem from the inability to establish contact with the outside world by their own strength, and instead form an expanded self with someone.

In The Art of Love, Fromm believes that true love can not only be well integrated with lovers, but also keep our own perfection without damaging our ability to love the whole world. Love is not another form of self-righteousness, but a general tendency to love others. If we know how to establish emotional connection, it means that we can maintain a good relationship with the external environment except a few specific people.

In a healthy relationship, there should be gaps instead of being filled. You don't regard your lover as the only emotional support, but want to stick with him for 24 hours. Besides one person, we also run our own business. When he is away, we can contact with the outside world through our career. Carry out the work plan bit by bit, promote and land the projects at hand, and feel the recognition of the boss and colleagues in the process of struggle. Or have a group of good buddies, good sisters and like-minded friends. We can often get together, eat hot pot, watch a happy movie, and organize basketball or cycling activities on weekends. Let's have fun and talk about our troubles and get the support of our friends. Even if a person is alone, he can pick up his hobbies and enjoy himself.

Many people do not regard intimacy as the end point, but regard it as a springboard to use lovers to achieve their goals. We can easily observe that this kind of love is not pure, but is mixed with strong utilitarian and self-centered colors. If the focus of emotion shifts to the external value it brings, then the two sides in love can have fierce conflicts. In the emotional problems I deal with, many couples quarrel because of this mentality.

For example, some girls don't really like boyfriends, just because they need companionship, meticulous care and shoulders to lean on. As a result, when the other half feels that the exhibition is going well and the two sides can move the relationship forward, the girl's hesitation and resistance will make him particularly hurt, leading to cracks in the original perfect relationship. It is not difficult to find that if you lack chemical reaction from the beginning and enter the world of two people with other purposes, hidden dangers will be buried unconsciously. Because of the lack of passion, you may not have the motivation to care about him, so the other half complains about indifference. After meeting my parents to get married, the differences between them may even lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

Here I share my consulting experience: consider your partner from two aspects. On the one hand, there are chemical reactions and mental voices. He can really give you the feeling of heartbeat and soul mate.

On the other hand, life partners. Both sides have matching conditions and similar living habits, and he can bring a lot of help to your daily life.

True love should be running in the latter while having the former. If you go for the benefit of the other party from the beginning, it will be more like a request or an exchange.

Maybe you will say, what about blind date? State your family conditions, work situation, car and house. When you meet the right conditions, you will quickly enter the marriage, and if you are not suitable, you will quickly find it separately.

In my opinion, if blind date only provides an opportunity to get to know each other, then it is a good way to find love if two people have * * * songs. However, if your first goal is to get married and have children, it doesn't matter who the blind date meets the requirements, no matter who it is. At least at this stage, the two sides can't call it true love, but they are influenced by the pressure of age and social environment, and everyone makes do with it.

Of course, if you are lucky, you will be lucky if you "get married first and then fall in love" and slowly spark love after marriage. But I have witnessed too many female friends around me get married in a hurry at the urging of their parents, then break up in discord and divorce in a hurry.

A good relationship should aim at the object rather than putting other needs above yourself. If you value each other's added value, you will face great depression and pain at other times except the moment when your own needs are met. Many couples can't stand suffering, and they quarrel at both ends in the last three days to vent their negative energy in this way.

Good love should be centered on the lover, not because of other values attached to him. To determine which purpose, you can ask yourself two questions: "Do I like him?" ? ""Regardless of each other's external conditions, do I enjoy getting along with him? "If these answers are in the affirmative, then intimacy itself can bring us happiness, so we can reduce the psychological conflicts that we don't like so much, but we have to force ourselves to express love. As Fromm said in his book, intimacy will break the sense of boundaries and make both sides have a harmonious experience. But if your purpose is only to be less lonely, or to have a channel to meet your physiological needs, it is difficult for both parties to keep emotional contact all the time. Even because there is no true love, I am restless and increasingly dissatisfied and picky about my lover.

I have witnessed many such examples: at first, the relationship between the two was very good, and even if there was a quarrel, the contradiction could be quickly resolved. But at a certain point, there are more and more contradictions between the two people, which are not as inclusive as before, and even a little friction will break out.

Although it seems to be an itch for seven years, there are also problems in running-in personality, but the most fundamental reason is disappointment with this person. In the quarrel again and again, you gradually find that the other person is not what you expected, and even he doesn't really understand you at all. It's just that when we first fell in love, due to the influence of hormones, we imagined that lovers were perfect partners who had been waiting for years for each other. Now with the passage of time, infatuation has disappeared and many contradictions have surfaced. I just found that there are huge differences between the two sides, and my dissatisfaction with the relationship has gradually escalated.

So this is also the complexity of feelings: passion and physical attraction are needed, but the pursuit of chemical reaction should not be the whole of feelings. Otherwise, when the hormone level drops, remove the rose filter, and you may be disappointed with the other half.

Desire is more important than partner, which is one of the reasons why people like the new and hate the old. The Art of Love says: Love is not only a physiological impulse, but also an appreciation and commitment to lovers. In addition to sparking with each other, you should also appreciate this person, have a degree of matching with him, and be willing to mobilize your reason to practice the promise that will accompany you for life. Only in this way can we be pure in love and regard our lover as the goal of intimate relationship.

Now I will sort out three core questions for you: the first question is whether love is an active activity or a passive emotion.

Fromm believes that true love is not passive acceptance, only looking forward to attracting someone who likes you, or taking giving as a loss, and using a little will be less. In his view, love is more about giving actively, and finding a sense of self-worth in giving to lovers.

The second question is whether the object of love is a small number of people or universal love for the world.

If you can only be kind to your family and lover, you don't really have the ability to love. It is more like going from one person to a small circle, which is essentially an enlarged egoism. People who fall into sexual relations may even become sadists or masochists, and get rid of loneliness through sadistic combination. The real emotional connection is that you can integrate with the object, not get lost in feelings, and still have the ability to establish contact with the outside world.

The last question is whether the purpose of love is the person himself or other values attached to him.

When we enter the world of two people, don't be too utilitarian and put our needs above our lover. If the first goal of love is desire, money and alleviating loneliness, this relationship will inevitably be constantly rubbed. Only when two people have a chemical reaction, appreciate each other's personality and are willing to stick to the promise of growing old together, can the intimate relationship be maintained for a long time.

Finally, I sincerely hope that everyone can pay attention to the art of love and spend more time studying this course. Because like all skills, the ability to love needs practice.